Now you'll see the bad side of me, the reason why I always say that my husband loved me unconditionally. He accepted my intense and ugly feelings; he didn't judge or do much except listen and shrug his shoulders, which was sometimes all I needed. I know that I'm SUPPOSED to be grateful and thankful for everything I have--my wonderful job, my loving parents and brother,my fantastic daughters, my great friends, but SOMETIMES, it's just not enough. There are times to wallow and vent and Father's Day weekend has been one of those for me. I'm weepy and angry that my husband is gone; every time I think about it(which is often), I cry bitter tears and my heart breaks for my girls. I tried to keep as busy as I could; I planned an outing here to celebrate a friend's late birthday. We had a marvelous chat and a very expensive but special tea. I attended the neighbor's graduation barbeque, mowed the lawn, got rid of a bunch of ratty shoes, watered, read, went out to Father's Day lunch with my family...And I cried and cried when I thought about these old memories because we won't be making any new ones :(
Father's Day 2012(his last one, although of course we didn't know it at the time)-Bowling was one of our favorite family activities. Once again, Patt and Alison were always competitive; see putt putt golf above for my prowess. Happily, I could usually beat Ashley! :) This year I took flowers up to the cemetery for Fathers' Day, a stark difference. I ranted (to my parents) about the yellow daisy and golf ball that I'm pretty sure his good-for-nothing brother left up there. It's just like my mom told me about growing up in a small town! The people who treat you like sh*t in life think they're showing their "love" by putting flowers on your grave. *grinds teeth* I could go on and on(and on!) about this, but trust me that in the ways it really mattered, he was never there for my husband or our family. So today meant this:
When I texted Alison Fent "happy/sad Father's Day," she reminded me that we can celebrate how great he was, so it's happy. For Dad, who I'll never stop missing, I will try to be happy: "Imagine a month of Sundays/Each one a cloudy day/Imagine the moment the sun came shining through/Imagine that ray of sunshine as you."
Patt would be delighted that his daughters(and I) are now quoting his favorite John Denver lyrics. Cold comfort at times though.