Stargazer

Emotions

Now you'll see the bad side of me, the reason why I always say that my husband loved me unconditionally. He accepted my intense and ugly feelings; he didn't judge or do much except listen and shrug his shoulders, which was sometimes all I needed. I know that I'm SUPPOSED to be grateful and thankful for everything I have--my wonderful job, my loving parents and brother,my fantastic daughters, my great friends, but SOMETIMES, it's just not enough. There are times to wallow and vent and Father's Day weekend has been one of those for me. I'm weepy and angry that my husband is gone; every time I think about it(which is often), I cry bitter tears and my heart breaks for my girls. I tried to keep as busy as I could; I planned an outing here to celebrate a friend's late birthday. We had a marvelous chat and a very expensive but special tea. I attended the neighbor's graduation barbeque, mowed the lawn, got rid of a bunch of ratty shoes, watered, read, went out to Father's Day lunch with my family...And I cried and cried when I thought about these old memories because we won't be making any new ones :(

Father's Day 2011-putt putt golfing in the rain. Patt won because he was a real golfer, although Alison gave him lots of competition. (which he loved!) We won't talk about my score!

Father's Day 2012(his last one, although of course we didn't know it at the time)-Bowling was one of our favorite family activities. Once again, Patt and Alison were always competitive; see putt putt golf above for my prowess. Happily, I could usually beat Ashley! :) This year I took flowers up to the cemetery for Fathers' Day, a stark difference. I ranted (to my parents) about the yellow daisy and golf ball that I'm pretty sure his good-for-nothing brother left up there. It's just like my mom told me about growing up in a small town! The people who treat you like sh*t in life think they're showing their "love" by putting flowers on your grave. *grinds teeth* I could go on and on(and on!) about this, but trust me that in the ways it really mattered, he was never there for my husband or our family. So today meant this:

And these Facebook words from Ashley (and indirectly Alison) which brought me a little solace:

When I texted Alison Fent "happy/sad Father's Day," she reminded me that we can celebrate how great he was, so it's happy. For Dad, who I'll never stop missing, I will try to be happy: "Imagine a month of Sundays/Each one a cloudy day/Imagine the moment the sun came shining through/Imagine that ray of sunshine as you."

Patt would be delighted that his daughters(and I) are now quoting his favorite John Denver lyrics. Cold comfort at times though.

Bittersweet

The end of the year is always such an emotional time.(frustrating too, of course) It means saying goodbye to my seniors,who usually cause some gray hairs with their so-called senioritis, but also add to my joy. This particular group has been with me for the whole three years I've dealt with Patt's cancer, so they are very special. During that time, they've distracted me, made me laugh, allowed me to teach them all sorts of "exciting" grammar (lol), been at my side and at my back and been as supportive as teenagers could possibly be. (ironically more so than my husband's family!) As I always try to do, I made connections, I shared my philosophy of life, I told funny stories about my daughters(sorry girls) and we bonded over chats, cultural experiences and journals. Now, it's time to say "au revoir" but not "adieu."

This was the goofy photo which I very much enjoyed, since I'm crazy myself. :) I cried beaucoup a little when remembering their words and cards to me, as well as their tears when I told them how I felt about these past three years and our French family. And my day was topped off by a visit from Alison, first to see her grandparents since she'll be in Las Vegas for Father's Day, then for a great coffee/chat at Sbux/The Evil Empire.

There's a definite reason why Alison always thought that pictures of me as a child were her! She has her dad's hands and build, as well as temperament, big blue eyes(mine are brown) but otherwise, the resemblance is startling. It was incredibly GOOD to see her and get her hugs. A very therapeutic visit, although too short. As Alison would say,it's the fault of that d*mn Canadian who knocked our bridge into the water.

The Dogwood

When we moved into this house nearly 17 years ago, and we were trying to figure out what kind of plants we wanted, I KNEW there would be a dogwood and a Japanese Lace leaf maple. They're traditional in my family; I remember a few clandestine runs into the forest to find a wild dogwood for my mom, back in the olden days. ;) My parents have also always had a huge, gorgeous lace leaf maple, so I wanted one at my own new house. Ours started out tiny, but is now BIG and beautiful, like my favorite rhody, Old Copper!

It's full of busy, buzzing bees (scary to water my other plants near there), but has gone from a leggy stick of a plant to this copper stunner. However, the dogwood is way more interesting...

Mr. Plant Man(Mr. Stargazer) was sent on a mission to buy me a PINK dogwood(my favorite) but came home with this. I was upset and he was apologetic, but in his usual logical way informed me that the white or Korean dogwoods were hardy and survived way better than the pink. I sulked for a while, I'll be honest! So, this dogwood grew and expanded way beyond the boundaries of our yard, thus we had it trimmed last year and it got butchered. All this winter, I was sure it was dead. And I was angry because hadn't I just lost my husband and now his special dogwood tree was gone? How much more would I have to endure? Yet spring came and the leaves came back (yay!) but surely that would be it. Yesterday I went out and saw some flowers blooming, which made me feel a bit renewed. It's surviving, just like I am... but tentatively. I'm setting some goals for myself this summer and hope I accomplish them, although I will need help with a few:

• I want a smart phone and training on it because it may be smarter than I am. I'm still undecided on an Iphone or Droid and that's the main problem!
• I would like to start organizing and getting rid of some of my husband's things, especially clothes. I want the girls here to help me, but their schedules are problematic. Ashley will be in Africa most of the summer, which I really worried about, until this. She may be safer out of the country where there aren't as many crazies who can arm themselves to the teeth.
• I'll need to set up a schedule of yard work, walking, coffee dates, reading, Happy Hours, house stuff(will NO ONE ever call me back on repairs/remodels?) and BBQs or potlucks with friends. Otherwise, I'll sit in my house reading, which I love, but it'll be depressing too. I'm tempted to take a little trip, although traveling by myself would be a downer.
• Unfortunately, I'll also be arranging some medical appointments since it's easier to do so when my time is more flexible. I think I need new glasses which means $$. Bummer, as my husband would say.

 

Faces

Real grief is not healed by time...If time does anything, it deepens our grief. The longer we live, the more fully we become aware of who she(he) was for us, and the more intimately we experience what her(his) love meant for us. Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive, seemingly easy and obvious, and so present that we take it for granted. Therefore, it is often only in retrospect--or better, in memory--that we fully realize its power and depth. Yes, indeed, love often makes itself visible in pain.
--Henri Nouwen

Henri Nouwen was very wise and expressed perfectly how I feel. (which isn't crazy after all) I don't cry as much, but the grief is deeper in many ways. Is it because I'm realizing that his loss is permanent? Every day that passes brings something I want to share with him that I can't, thus compounding my feelings.

Here are some happy faces back in 1974! A few people see Ashley, most people see Alison and I still hate the light blue gown. I wanted the DARK BLUE(which the boys got to wear) I look way better in navy!

This is Patt's "I'm so very delighted to be with my daughter face." He didn't ever have a dad, but he loved being one!

Times two! As the ads for Father's Day come on everywhere, I feel so sad for my girls who are facing this holiday without their beloved father. I know it's just a DAY like any other, but it does still hurt and feel weird. Since Ashley thought my blog letter was therapeutic for me, I decided to write one to each daughter, discussing what their dad most valued in them, talking about special/funny memories and telling them(as if they would forget) how extremely important they were to him. I hope they didn't find the letters too cheesy...

Sometimes(most of the time?)he didn't like his picture taken and ended up with this quirky grimace. Oh, how I miss his expressive faces!

I'm lucky that that isn't his middle finger, eh? :) No real plans for the weekend except a baby shower on Sunday for a friend's daughter. I need to set up a coffee date or two, just to get out of the house. Speaking of that, I have to run, since I'm presenting at the Honors and Awards Event at school this evening. I don't feel nervous yet, but I'm sure I will when I'm standing at the podium. Microphones are not my friend!

The Country Bumpkins

We're not really country bumpkins; we live in the suburbs.In fact, I've traveled around in the US, Europe and Africa. My elderly parents have visited way more countries/places than I have, including the US south and southwest, French Canada, most of Europe, including Eastern Europe and Turkey, etc. However, we don't often go up to Seattle because of the TRAFFIC and for them, traveling I-5 was pretty amazing. Oh, look at the stadiums! Those private jets are landing at Boeing field! There's the Ferris Wheel! Skyscrapers, Lake Washington, the University of Washington, the Space Needle, a beautiful day and lots of boats on the water--they were entranced. Since I drive 7 minutes over relatively untraveled surface roads to get to work, I was a bit more white knuckled. My biggest commuting issue is when I get behind a school bus. ;) I was glad that we made the trip for my cousin's son's memorial service; it was wonderful to see those relatives. We've always enjoyed each other's company, but never made much of an effort to get together regularly. They live in or near Seattle which is truly a fantastic city, but not if you have to drive into it. Most of the invitations have been for our family events like my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, my dad's 80th birthday and various funerals.

My cousin's son, in spite of family interventions and entreaties, drank himself to death at the age of 29. (multiple organ failures like his liver and kidneys and an enlarged heart) It put my struggles with my horrible 6th period class into perspective. I also felt ashamed of getting (secretly) worked up over my nephew's ballet recital where every song had to be ultra religious and the advanced dance group wore black yoga pants under their long skirts. NOT ballet and utterly ridiculous(in my opinion), but there are really so many worse things to worry about. Like how to deal with loss and move forward.

TGIF

You do know that I'm going to vent about school, right? First of all, I adore most of my students and love what I do. But when I had to work with one of my most annoying colleagues for End of Course exams, and he did nothing to help his head proctor(me), I fumed. He kept needing to run errands and when he was in the room, he tried to tell the students erroneous information, kept engaging me in random conversation while the group was testing and typed LOUDLY on his laptop. I even commented to him about the noise since, HELLO, the students are testing. And I had a good book to read, but all I could think about was that I would have liked to shove his distracting laptop where the sun doesn't shine! Guess what? I "get" to work with him again for the Biology End of Course Exams. :( Second, I am  beyond  pissed off angry that admin made a rule that late portfolios=No Senior Ball, then got challenged by a parent of one of my advisory students(who is a real JERK), so now there will be absolutely NO consequence for missing deadlines, not respecting the rules, etc. *primal scream therapy* I have to blame this caving in decision on the downtown admin though and not our own principal who drew the line in the sand. I'm bitter and frustrated, as well as extremely concerned about this generation of kids who deal with no consequences and feel that they can do whatever they want whenever they want. Have fun with them, future employers! But don't blame the teachers, OK? It's NOT US. On a brighter note, Older Daughter got a glowing Spring Review from the UCLA grad department! I'm so proud of her hard work and perseverance, considering the kind of traumatic year we've had. Also, the weather has vastly improved and my college pal, L. sent me some cool photos from our coffee date:

We aren't experts of the Facebook shot, are we? L. only got part of herself in the photo. They both thought I looked young (they are pretty wrinkly), but I'm jealous that they're RETIRED. L. never really had to work, and J. is an author. :)

We're all Seattle grads, but wanted to pose with the UW-Tacoma sign anyway! I hate it that this beautiful weather makes me nostalgic, since Patt always worked incessantly outside when it was sunny, his John Denver tunes blaring. How has it already been almost 6 months? I can't believe it or maybe I just don't want to.

Four day weekend

Hold on to what is good
even if it is a handful of earth
Hold on to what you believe
even if it is a tree which stands
by itself.
Hold on to what you must do
even if it is a long way from
here.
Hold on to life
even when it is easier letting
go.
Hold on to my hand
even when I have gone away
from you.
--Pueblo Blessing

An unused snow day, plus Memorial Day made for a long break from school and it made me worry (a bit) about summer vacation coming up quickly. I'll need help devising a schedule and keeping busy; I can feel myself retreat from the world and into a gray fog of depression when I don't have enough to do. So, this weekend I overbooked at times, running from one thing to another! I had coffee dates, one with a school friend and another with a couple of college pals, one of them up from California. It was the first time I remember L. sharing anything negative going on with her family; usually we hear about her "retirement" from IBM, her husband's buttload of money(he's a Westinghouse) and her perfect four children. In fact, although I was excited to see her/catch up, I was dreading how I would react afterward. It's not that I wish issues on others, but I don't want to walk alone on this bumpy journey of life. As you already realize, I'm open about most things; do you think that's why I believe that everyone else must be WAY happier than I am? Anyway, we had a great chat, although I had lots of parking anxiety in downtown Tacoma(by UW-Tacoma); I can't parallel park to save my life! Yesterday I also saw the awesome 3D version of Star Trek, then did a Happy Hour. My friends(a husband and wife whom I introduced in college!) loved the movie, since we're all a bit Trekkie. ;) My major complaint was the very familiar villain who was too different from his original counterpart. I don't know that any other actor could imitate the charming, manipulative cruelty of the original, but they made the new guy just creepy. If a New Zealander can portray a perfect Bones, and Kirk and Spock can be eerily spot on, why did they decide to change the villain so much? It was still loads of fun and full of nail biting suspense; there were also several times when I teared up! I'm ready to see it again SOON.

This man(Happy Memorial Day to my favorite Coast Guard veteran!) would have criticized the film for its copied villain and the derivative lines and scenarios.Strangely enough, he had no problems with the styrofoam rocks and the philandering Kirk in the original series. :) Speaking of Memorial Day, I know Patt didn't die in battle, but I made several trips to the cemetery anyway. On Facebook, a guy got enraged because," Memorial Day is for those who lost their lives in war, Veterans have their own day in September!" Um, really? September? So, I didn't worry too much that I took Patt some of his favorite rhodies(droopy though), plus purple irises from our backyard and finally a small and very cheap(impulse buy) American flag. Now it's on to End of Course testing in Math and Science and all the "lovely" preparations for the end of the school year. As Patt would have said, "At least it's raining!"

Letter

Dear Patt,

Today I went on a "walk through" (with the property manager) of the house that you had just bought when I met you over 33 years ago. It was the place where our relationship grew, where we lived first as a married couple, and where we reared our small children. Now I call it the "rental" which seems like such a pallid word for a former home full of memories of Easter egg hunts, Christmas trees, dinners, games, cooking, laughter(and tears), and family bonding. When I looked out the sliding glass door, I saw the play house you built that the girls loved, until Ashley found spiders crawling around! :) The apple tree is still there and covered with ivy; your mom gave us three of them and we didn't know what variety they were, but the apples were delicious. My mind flashed back to getting the house rentable after your mom,the sort-of- hoarder, died--your constant and dogged work ALONE (unsupported by your family) to try to get it even ready for an estate sale, tied up with all the nasty family drama. Then the lung cancer diagnosis came, yet you still managed to DO STUFF there, not just because we were the property owners, but because you loved that house! I know I complained about the two bedrooms and one bathroom with the four of us; I hope you understood that, in spite of my whining, I loved the house too and the memories that were tied up in it. I'm pretty sure that you did know since the girls and I worked tirelessly by your side last summer to get it ready for these new renters; in the process we talked a lot about our life there. You'd be a LITTLE shocked at what it looks like now. ;) The male renter seemed very pleasant and they're caring well for our beloved first home, but their decorating style is quite eclectic and there are creepy mannequins in odd places. They also don't use the heat, so it was COLD inside.  Of course, it didn't help that we've been having winter temperatures of 52 degrees for a high. (you would hate that!) I was thankful to come home to our cozy 70 degree house! I wanted to brag that I didn't identify myself as the owner; I didn't even introduce myself. I didn't cry or overshare. I didn't talk about my/our special memories of 6911.

I showed a lot of sangfroid and I know that you would have been proud of me. I wish you could actually read this letter and laugh about the mannequins with me. Or would you just roll your eyes and grimace? I miss you every minute of every day! Love, Margaret P.S. Sorry about my new hose; I'm pretty sure that you would hate everything about it, especially the commercials:) But your hands were big and you were strong enough to deal with and coil the demon hose. I hope you would approve of the changes I'm making. xoxo

Gray

Monday as I was driving home from work, I had an overwhelming HUNGER to have Patt here when I got home, not for any particular reason, just because I've been missing him for so long. It's a strange dynamic and hard to explain to others; it's almost like I'm waiting for him to come back, irrational as that is. I go to work, I spend lots of time with friends/family(the good ones!), I work in the yard, I enjoy coffee dates and Happy Hours, I laugh, I read, I watch Monarch of the Glen, yet it doesn't feel real. I'm detached.My existence is gray and seems meaningless. I go through the motions and have good moments, but none of it really touches me deeply or feels like my life. So, THIS made my heart happy today(thank you, lovely parents!):

It's a magic hose that expands and that I won't be tripping over or having to un-kink(de-kink?); I absolutely love it! Is it OK to be so excited over a hose?

My husband would have said, "Unbelievable! You've kept these alive almost through May?" (then he would have smirked!) He would have been impressed though. I guess I can't expect to have a normal life when he was such a huge part of the normal. But I would like to feel happy about the sunshine, both the real and the metaphorical, instead of wishing he could be here to share it with me. Such are the agonies of loss.

Plantaholic

I remember this past fall when we were tearing out dead plants and putting on weed killing black plastic, my husband talked a lot about what we would plant (and where) this spring. Although I knew how sick he was, I still never imagined that he wouldn't be here to order me around and bring his favorite plants home from the store. *sniff* I hate you, LUNG CANCER! So, I had to do this all myself:

The tomatoes I decided on were 1 Early Girl, 1 Roma(never grown them before), 2 Sweet Millions and 1 Sweet 100. Now I have to figure out how to keep them alive, how/when to stake them up and how much to water them. Mr. Stargazer did all that...and very well.

We both liked geraniums, but he preferred Martha Washingtons and was willing to pay the price. I thought zonals would do better in this sunny spot. We always play argued about it; he usually won the argument because whatever he planted in this box thrived. (even when it wasn't supposed to do well in the sun!) I went with the zonals because I don't have much confidence in my plant karma.

The front flower bed and porch are OK, but I'm not too thrilled with them so far. The annuals will get bigger though; the rhody will bloom and the orange lily and Stargazer will eventually flower. I just have to be patient and give them time. A metaphor for my life?

Patt would have wanted 6 pots up on the deck and not 4, although he would have loved the coleus plants I chose. However, I bought them for ME because that's progress in my baby steps toward independence. But I wish he could see them!

Here's the area where I had his beloved rhodies removed; I know he would have hated that. (sorry, Patt) Decision making on my own is both powerful and terrifying, as well as very, very poignant. On another note, I'm becoming the Queen of Happy Hours, due to the invitations of my lovely friends. I'm not sure I've ever deliberately been to one, yet there appears to be a whole world out there of cheap drinks and delicious tapas. :) The best so far has been Mama Stortinis at Kent Station--so many choices! Afterward, my friend and I took a long walk around the shopping area and had a great talk. My weekend also included  a wonderful brunch with another close friend, a delightful coffee date this morning and then friends over for a birthday potluck that turned a little teary. All Patt's friends are turning 60 and he will not. I had a huge party planned for him if he'd been able to make it to August. :( I'm definitely making progress, but it's tough to go on without him. Frankly, sometimes I don't really want to.