Although I do try to embrace what I've made of my life, it's difficult sometimes to figure out how I should FEEL about it all. I'm allowed to be happy in spite of my huge loss, right? But is it also OK to get bitter and frustrated at times because I want people to be who I think they are? So, Saturday I ran into my brother at my parents' house; he was there with his two kids since his wife wanted time to herself. (she often does, although she claims to love being a stay at home mom) A long story which I won't go into here. I hadn't seen my only surviving brother for a while, thus I was excited to talk to him, and we had a great conversation about my nephew's health, among other things. L. has had a platelet condition called ITP for five years, and it refuses to get better in spite of many treatments. Now the specialists are talking about taking out his spleen, which scares the sh*t out of all of us. But then my mom started interjecting into the conversation, "E. you need to tell your sister. She should know." And my brother responded that I would be angry, that I wouldn't love him any more. It turned into a ROYAL drama! To make a long story short, he finally admitted to me that he voted for Trump. I wasn't surprised since he has joined an evangelical church, and hangs out with very conservative people, including his simplistic wife. Still, I left pretty quickly after that, feeling shaky and sick. I do love my brother and always will. But I now feel as though I don't know him very well, who he actually is and what he believes.:( In better news, Henry and I saw the film Paterson yesterday(my suggestion!) and then enjoyed a wonderful dinner at a restaurant I would have never chosen. So, life is beautifully random at times, which I need to remember. I'm working on letting go of some of my expectations. A relationship can be anything we make it, right? Whether it's with my brother, or with Henry. And today I had a lovely lunch with Alison at one of my favorite restaurants:
I love carrot cake, and my daughter, so that helped me work on taxes later today with a decent attitude, and will improve my mood for going back to school tomorrow. My retirement paperwork is mostly finished, and although I have mixed feelings, I think it's time to move forward into a different life, whatever that is...or isn't.