Stargazer

Thankful for Thanksgiving...

with caveats. Of course I'm delighted to spend time with my family.I love good food and great company. But now that Thanksgiving is over, I can admit that there is WAY TOO MUCH sap in this holiday for me. (maybe both holidays actually) I get tired of people trumpeting the positives of this time of year and then treating people like sh*t. I weary of the hoopla and the incessant demands for Christmas lists from my mother-in-law. Yesterday, I worried about my parents hosting the dinner, especially when we arrived and I could tell that my mom's neck was hurting. It was also a little too much to expect her to watch the 3 year nephew while my SIL sat on the couch relaxing. Playing Scattergories on Thanksgiving Eve was my favorite part of the holiday;once again I'm a fan of the small moments. The game was rolling on the floor hilarious. Snoozy as one of the 7 Dwarfs? An orangutan as a Halloween costume? Now the December stresses start up--shopping, decorating, cards, telling my mother-in-law that Ashley and her boyfriend are flying to Arizona on Christmas morning(the you-know-what will hit the fan), "looking forward" to her trying to convince my husband's family that only the children really need gifts (see above for the excrement flying!)...Anyway, I know you'd like to see photos of Thanksgiving for which I truly am thankful...but I'm also a cranky old you-know-what. :)

The girls with my husband's mom, who decided that a holiday would be a good time to harangue Older Daughter about her religious beliefs. And if I had a whole other blog, I could tell you about some of the escapades MIL has pulled in her past. However, I'll TRY to be a better person!

Yes, we are sappy! So what? We've almost been married for 25 years. Scary, isn't it?

We have to have a couple(or ten) wacky shots as well as some posed ones, like...

this very nice photo that will appear on our holiday cards. Now I'm off to do something stupid and unnecessary and will probably be in tears in about half an hour. Any guesses? You're correct if you said that I was redoing our 25th anniversary slide show. I hope there's enough Hefeweisen in the house! :)

There's something so beautiful...

Although the day was definitely mixed(d*mn third period), we had amazing discussions of the French film Les Choristes in both my second year classes. I had prepared some questions, not hoping for too much on the day before Thanksgiving, but was overwhelmed by the thoughtful and insightful responses. (and the music in that film is some of the most beautiful I've ever heard!) Then it was on to my doctor's appointment, which I'd been dreading ALL DAY since I know I've put on at least 5 pounds. It didn't help that the traffic was horrible and I had to take a circuitous route to get there. As I was fuming a little about that, I noticed an absolutely beautiful and unusual hedge/fence that I had never seen before on a street I never drive down--and I was captivated by the experience. What is it called when you feel like you were meant to be frustrated by traffic and then forced to take a different route, causing an unexpected but beautiful moment? Destiny? Serendipity? To my surprise, Dr. E. didn't mention a thing about my weight; I know his comment several years ago made many people, including my daughter, VERY angry. But diabetes is rampant in my family and he did have a point about 5 pounds leading to 10, then 20 or 30. However, he didn't realize how obsessive I am, although not enough to keep those five pounds off! :) To continue with my random blessings, I came home after dark and was depressed about not being able to run. Then I realized that I CAN, as long as I stay in my neighborhood with its street lights. And as a curious(snoopy?) person, I got to observe many rooms, chandeliers, paintings, furniture, etc... as I ran by people's lit houses. There was also something so peaceful about being out by myself in the dark--with just the sound of my radio  to keep me company. Happy Thanksgiving, friends. I hope that you will find beauty and joy in EACH day, not just an arbitrary date on a calendar.

Holidays smolidays

Yeah, holidays ARE stressful around this place, at least this year is headed that way. Thanksgiving at my mother-in-law's had its ups and downs and is difficult to describe. I will say that an 88 year old woman who is barely able to walk should not insist on hosting the dinner. She shouldn't yell at her daughter who was just trying to help do some dishes. (after bringing much of the dinner from her own house) She didn't need to come unglued that a couple of us switched spots at the table (to sit by our significant others) because THAT'S NOT WHERE SHE TOLD US TO SIT. Lest you think that it's just her age that has made MIL so utterly controlling, she's actually been that way for decades...and I sure hope my husband doesn't end up like her. Should I start packing up his things just in case? :) Then there's my mom who is sick, my aunt who is terminally ill and in and out of the hospital and emergency room and our cat, poor little Kendra. We've spent $800 at the vet and still have no idea what has suddenly gone wrong with her. It's agonizing difficult to know what to do next--surgery for $1000 more, another vet's opinion, a one way ticket to Kitty Heaven...

If only cats could talk, maybe Kendra would tell me what to do. It would really help to have some kind of SIGN. Then to top it all off, Younger Daughter called to talk to me; I love my relationship with my daughters, but honesty and an open relationship are definitely a double-edged sword and right now, I feel like I've been knifed. Melodramatic, but true.

Randomly yours

It's Friday night and I have a few things to obsess over think about, like...

• why people are already putting up Christmas trees and lights. (one neighbor had lit lights on his house BEFORE Halloween) Am I cranky just because I'm a Scrooge who has some issues with the materialism and superficiality of the holiday? It doesn't have to be that way, does it? I'm all about the music and the family time, just not so into the gifts and shopping and inflatables and general tackiness.
• why the cataract surgery place sent me a packet with forms and supposedly a self-addressed stamped envelope! (addressed yes, stamped NO) And the way a paranoid person like me thinks is thus: I hope that the doctors are better at surgery than the receptionist is at following through on the stamps! Then I got myself All. Worked. Up about inefficiency when I noticed that my insurance company was completely wrong on one of the forms. I'm dreading this surgery for many reasons, but after correcting about 140 quizzes on Wednesday, I realized that I have to do something. I can't see!
• why the eye surgery place forced me to make all sorts of horrible decisions like: would you rather wear glasses to do x or x activities? Would you mind seeing a halo around lights at night if you didn't have to wear glasses doing x or x? Then they made me pick three distances that I would like them to correct with the new lens, out of five. I don't want to swear about it, but IT WAS HELL!!
• why the cat hasn't rebounded from her shot and $210 treatment at the vet yesterday.She's still very lethargic and doesn't even want to come in the house; she just lies on her favorite sheepskin in the garage. When I called the vet, she said it would take 24 hours or so for the antibiotics to kick in and that her blood tests were fine, except for a high white blood cell count. (bacterial infection? cancer?) Ack!
• what I'm doing tomorrow since I have about 10 errands on my list of things to do and a very busy Sunday. I just want to relax and read. Is that too much to ask?

Scared

I'm feeling ridiculous about this, but I'm utterly terrified. I have to have surgery. Let me back up a little. For the past couple of months, I've known that something wasn't right with my left eye, which has always been my "good" eye. It's been driving me crazy because it's so blurry, as well as frightening me if I have to drive at night. I've tried to convince myself that I could actually see better than I thought, but the reality is that I should have been MORE paranoid, not less. I suspected what the issue was; it was confirmed today by my eye doctor, a cataract that younger people get (HA) and is very fast moving. Then he made the mistake of telling me (and showing me) exactly what they do in this VERY ROUTINE PROCEDURE...but did he have to illustrate the sucking out of the jelly and the fitting of the plastic lens?? (gag) I should probably share with you that I haven't had "surgery" since 2nd grade (tonsils) and that I am petrified of eye issues since a horrible experience with contacts. (short version--got severe scratches on my eyes, so I couldn't open them and couldn't see)Thus I cried ALL THE WAY HOME IN THE CAR and am now qualified for The Biggest Wimp In The World Award. But at least school went way better today; Mr. Pain in the Behind was more under control after I let loose on him yesterday, although still a pill at times. His two cohorts were angelic, at least for now. No bets on tomorrow though.

Honestly...

My dear Tonya gave me an award, but I'm going to do a half baked job of following the directions. I don't like linking to specific bloggers, since you are ALL award winners in my eyes. Does that sound like a teacher for you? (don't want to wreck anyone's self-esteem!) I'm supposed to be honest about 10 things so here goes:

1. I act confident, but I have more insecurities than I let on. I would tell you what they are, but that would be a little TOO honest. :)

2. I'm getting more OCD as I get older and that's no fun.

3. I absolutely love to read and sometimes read Regency Romances to pass the time. Mary Balogh is really good! I tackle serious stuff too, OK?  No judging.

4. I used to be an animal person, but am not so much these days. I hate animal hair, mess and CRAP. I like the idea of having a dog, just not the reality.

5. I wish I weighed about 10 pounds less than I do, had black hair and green eyes.(and were about 20 years younger)

6. I'm intensely curious/nosy which I sometimes don't hide very well.

7. Christmas and I have a love/hate relationship. It makes me sound like a bad person when I admit that I dread the holiday season.

8. I also love/hate teaching. I would prefer to retire in 5 years if I could afford it. (but I can't!)

9. I worry incessantly about my children; will that ever end?

10. Since I'm an addict, I eat cheese every day. My poor cholesterol!

Friday was a very lousy day and I felt ineffective and unappreciated as a teacher. (maybe that's why #8 came up) It didn't help that Older Daughter had a stressful week with job interviews; I also worked myself up over Younger Daughter's trip to Canada to go clubbing with friends. (see #9) That involved a gentle (but serious) threat to take away the car if she took it across the border. Not a warm fuzzy parenting moment!

But she is cute, isn't she? I can keep up with her on Facebook at least! Then today I spent almost all day fighting with a 25th wedding anniversary slide show. It was exhausting and frustrating to choose pictures; I'm not satisfied with the ones I chose at all. It was overwhelming to scan the old ones, so I eventually just gave up. Choosing music was hard too; I'm not good at decision making. Mr. Stargazer and I chose the first song together since he loves John Denver and the song has great lyrics. The other two I picked, then tried to make the slide show, without having a clue what I was doing. I can do video just fine, but I've never done pictures or added music. Although the photos are not sequential, and in spite of some of the silly ones I chose, I'm going to have to TRY to be satisfied with Download 25 anniversary video! (see #2)

Thankful for...

• Veteran's Day and a much needed day off! It gives me the opportunity to have coffee with two of my buddies. AND the sky is blue this morning. That's a lot to be thankful for, right?
• Four interviews this week for older daughter, who has been applying everywhere for jobs and not hearing from anyone, then suddenly has FOUR, ranging from office assistant for a non-profit(interview was yesterday and went well), receptionist in a law office to a CUPCAKE SHOP. I laughed so hard at that one, and so did she, especially when we imagined that they might make her wear a hat shaped like a cupcake. However, although we're hoping that she ends up with a job from these interviews, we're hoping it's not at the cupcake shop.
• Arena conferencing and all the wonderful parents who came last night. They were appreciative of the e-mails I send out, how well I run my classes(I'm a LITTLE hyper organized!) and implied or told me how much their children enjoy the class.They could have been just "kissing up" but it still made me feel great! Normally, I barely talk to anyone and  waste my time distracting talking to the other teachers or roaming around, but this year I had a constant line! I didn't have a second free that I wasn't dealing with parents, so none of my quizzes got corrected, nor did my worksheet on direct and indirect objects get written. Oh, well...
• COFFEE and coffee dates, which I need to go get ready for now. And I'll probably have a manicure. I'll also try to force myself to shop a little for The-Holiday-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named. It's the one that one of my neighbors put up lights for TWO weeks ago. *grumble* A little early, don't you think?

Epic

The weather lately has been epic, as in torrential rain, hail and wind. It's been difficult to make myself leave the house, since the fire, coffee and books are so cozy. (and DRY!)  I was used to the beautiful fall we'd been having, and then WHAM, the big weather hit!  Not too much is going on in my life right now--work, children (their joys and issues), parents, my very sick auntie, etc...Last night we made it out with friends to a local tavern where we played darts(our friend J.kicked our butts) and foosball where a strange older man wanted to give us lessons, and then kicked our butts even worse. I kept telling him that the last time I played foosball was in college in a frat and that I really have no interest in going to tournaments or hanging out in the bar 24/7 to practice. (like he does!) I'm dreading this week because I'm doing a load of testing, we have Arena conferencing Tuesday evening and it's getting close(r) to Christmas, so I need to start stressing thinking about that. At least, I already have a coffee date for Wednesday(Veterans' Day) with a couple of friends, which helps to smooth out the rough edges of life. Mostly.

Sunset

I have no picture to show off since I don't carry my digital camera while running. But if you could have seen the sunset tonight as I was jogging-- the fiery sky with the silhouette of the trees, it would have made you introspective as well. Between issues at school (a really, really jerky student who tries to ruin my day) and the hospitalization of my aunt who has terminal liver cancer, plus the drama over the family trust, it's been a h*ll of a week. Because the mind opens up with exercise(I truly believe), I started thinking about the "sunset of life" and that my aunt is going through that; she's made her last trip to Cancun,  and this will be her last holiday season, if she makes it, which is looking doubtful. A year ago she was healthy and busy, volunteering at all sorts of organizations, flying to Las Vegas to visit her daughter and grandchildren, and enjoying the "light" of an active life. In what seems like the blink of an eye, she's dying. My aunt's husband is angry because the family trust won't pay for her burial, and already her vulture-like daughter is circling to see what money she can get out of her mom's estate or the trust. It's really quite revolting! Don't get me started on the story of that particular sleazebag cousin!  My mom and dad went out to visit Auntie in the hospital today; they are good people who always try to do what's right. They have shaped me into who I am, an overly responsible idiot person who offered to make sure that my Aunt's disabled son (a mere 14 months older than I) would have me as an advocate. Of course, my husband has already told me that that's fine unless I'm suggesting that Cousin comes to live with us...in that case, NO WAY. It's unfortunate that Auntie has such dysfunctional children AND grandchildren (long story) and that she has been the major force in their lives. So, as the sun was going down, I was thinking about death and wishing that it could be as beautiful as a sunset. But it's not, is it?

Freaky Halloween

It's not that Halloween was so creepy, it's that the holiday wasn't much fun without my own kids young adults around. There were no pumpkins to carve, nor stresses about costumes. I miss it...and yet I don't. I was freaked out by the number of non-neighborhood children who showed up at the door, most in costumes, but some not. (yet still expecting candy) In a couple of groups the adults also wanted candy, which I found bizarre. Mr. Stargazer tells me NOT to argue with them or get "teacherish" because he doesn't want our house/property vandalized. Thanks to Wende, we got the idea of making up little candy bags which I handed out to each child person; thus, there were no greedy hands grabbing handfuls of candy and pissing me off. (er, making me frustrated and angry) And we got some visitors!

My brother, his wife and my nephew showed up; I would have loved a photo of my face as he got out of the car in his Captain Hook regalia. I'm sure my jaw must have dropped a couple of feet! And isn't little Peter Pan adorable?

This is exactly WHY you don't put photos on Facebook that you don't want everyone to steal see. :) Although I didn't get to spend Halloween with Younger Daughter, at least I could enjoy(?) pictures of the party that she attended last night. MOST of the photos were appropriate, says her Grumpy 53 year old mom, and all of the ones of Alison were. (whew)

This is my brother Don, the one who killed himself at the age of 23. (long story) Last night his daughter, my niece, her husband and their two boys, one of which looks exactly like him, stopped by to trick or treat.It was a shock, although not an unpleasant one. We've been semi-estranged for a long time for reasons that would take a book to explain, but are really no one's fault. (or many people's fault?) We don't really even know each other very well, but it was wonderful to see her; I offered, as always, to get together, and have my parents meet the boys (their great-grandsons) for the first time; I encouraged her to call me, but I doubt that she will. She's not angry or bitter toward me, just indifferent. And maybe that's a good thing.