Anniversaries

*This would have been our Christmas card for this year.

I'm sure you all realize that losing a loved one in December is excruciating because of the holidays. Although no one expects me to be joyful, they still think I should be into Christmas...and I'm just NOT. It's compounded by the fact that Mr. Stargazer told me that he had lung cancer two years ago while putting together the Christmas tree. I remember the feeling of unreality then and it's even worse now as I face his favorite time of year without him. He adored the decorations, although he mainly just bought and brought in the tree, then did the lights. My girls will remember the time he arrived with a 10 foot tree that we had to stand on a ladder to decorate; it almost caused a divorce, so he never did that again! :) He enjoyed watching his girls put our special and eclectic ornaments on the tree and make our delicious cookies; I did buy the ingredients for them, so I must be hoping that the girls and I will maintain that tradition. It's hard to know what to do this year because nothing feels RIGHT. On top of the holiday angst and loneliness, we would have celebrated our 28th anniversary on December 15th and December 31st(New Year's Eve) would have been the 33rd year of our first meeting, at a New Year's Eve party at a friend's house. I was with my fiance(at the time) and he was alone, after swearing off women; he was a hunky construction guy in a toga and I was a 23 year old in a bad relationship who wanted someone genuine and real. Thus, we found each other and the rest, as they say, is history.
Here is the last photo of us, at my husband's family's Thanksgiving, the Sunday before the holiday. At that point, he was getting ready to tell me that he was done with chemo and ready to go, although I didn't know it then. Speaking of family, I'm so thankful for mine and for my colleagues at school, my high school group, my college friends, my Book Club circle and many others. Yet I still haven't heard ONE WORD from my husband's brother or sister and it's been a week. I guess I'm not surprised although I'm still gearing up for drama. I suppose that could be one way to distract me from my agonizing and lonely evenings. :(

Comments

[Brett]

I Love The Picture That Would Have Been Your Christmas Card ! And I Think That You Can Call It That Not That It's Been Posted ! I Hope You And Your Girls Will Keep The Tradition Alive And Bake Those Cookies ! Because I Believe Patt Is Still Watching Over You All !

Many Prayers And Good Vibes Headed Your Way !

P.S. I Quit Smoking Sunday And, I'M GOING TO SUCCEED THIS TIME !!

[Adrasteia]

Maybe his horrid family will just drop off the face of the planet, and you'll never have to see or hear from them ever again! That to me would be some impressive Christmas Magic. I hope your girls are able to come make cookies with you. I don't blame you for not feeling Christmassy at all. I wouldn't either. But perhaps cookies with your daughters will bring more happy memories than sad. I don't know. This is obviously a ferociously difficult time. *hug* Just let me know when you fancy scheduling a coffee/chocolate/lunch date. No rush.

[Donna W]

I can't even imagine how horrible you feel. Let's face it, when we've been married a long time, everything we do is somehow connected with the spouse. Suddenly half of you is gone! I guess all you can do is cry, and put one foot in front of the other. I am thinking of you.

[Michelle]

My heart really goes out to you. I don't think anyone should expect you to do Christmas stuff if you don't feel like it. My first love was in a car accident on Dec. 23, and they pulled life support on Christmas day. Even though I was only 16, it affected the way I saw Christmas for a long time after that.

I'll never forget how surreal it all seemed -- the cheerful decorations, the carols, etc. all while I was suffering excruciating grief. I think this is definitely the most difficult time of the year to lose someone, not that anytime is easy, of course.

If you like entering contests, here is a completely mindless distracting thing to do on those lonely evenings: http://sweepstakes.floodstreet.com/floodstreet/hot_items

[kayak woman]

Christmas is highly overrated anyway. I think you should do whatever you feel like doing (or not doing). There are many people who are suffering during this season of wretched excess, not to mention folks who don't celebrate Christmas anyway. That said, after YEARS of not making cookies, I seem to have an urge to drag out my mom's and grandma's recipes. We'll see what I actually do.

[Marie K]

You're not the only one not into Christmas this year. Maybe you should send a sympathy card to SIL and BIL. That would knock their socks off. ;) Thinking of you!

[Zazzy]

You know, the whole December thing is kind of arbitrary anyway. Why not reschedule Christmas this year? Have a blow out Christmas in July thing or something. I really can't imagine anyone expecting you to be 'into' Christmas this year. Do as much or as little as you want.

[Busy Mom]

Whatever you choose for Christmas will be the right thing.

[Tonya]

I've thought about that, all your December anniversaries (the wonderful and the godawful -- but all now so painful) and I can totally understand the need to skip this month this year. December and Christmas can take a hike. I'm glad you have your trip to L.A. to look forward to.

[Karan]

I say...send the card because he's still with you in very real ways. Even if you feel like you're just going through the motions, do Christmas in every way that you can because it's in the family traditions that you'll find that you can feel Patt with you. My mil's presence was so tangible that first holiday, I almost set a place for her at the table. And...this tying of your sadness to Christmas...do know that it will fade and gradually, it will become a time to celebrate your connection to him. Really truly.

[Profesora de español]

You have every right to not be into the holidays this year. No one can know exactly what you're feeling right now, so don't let others try to dictate your feelings. I hope that you'll do whatever feels right for you and for your girls. Perhaps just being with them and sharing memories of Patt will be all the holiday that you need. Whatever you choose, know that we're all thinking of you and hoping that you're doing okay (or as okay as you can, considering).

And I love the story about how you and Patt met!

[Ally Bean]

I think that Zazzy has a good idea. Do whatever you want about Christmas this year. Amazing how many memorable events happened for you and Mr. Stargazer in December. Kind of trippy.

[rebecca]

Oh Margaret. "I suppose that could be one way to distract me from my agonizing and lonely evenings. :(" I'm heartbroken for you. Everything else pales in comparison...

[Cyn]

Hi Sweets, that is a beautiful card, a sheer indication of your who you all are, just simply beautiful people. I remember that fateful December day when Tori told me the sad news she read on your Facebook status, my heart dropped that day for you and your girls. Ironically, within 30 days I got my diagnosis. Are you up to a visitor today? Just a quickie visit for a hug?