*This would have been our Christmas card for this year.
I'm sure you all realize that losing a loved one in December is excruciating because of the holidays. Although no one expects me to be joyful, they still think I should be into Christmas...and I'm just NOT. It's compounded by the fact that Mr. Stargazer told me that he had lung cancer two years ago while putting together the Christmas tree. I remember the feeling of unreality then and it's even worse now as I face his favorite time of year without him. He adored the decorations, although he mainly just bought and brought in the tree, then did the lights. My girls will remember the time he arrived with a 10 foot tree that we had to stand on a ladder to decorate; it almost caused a divorce, so he never did that again! :) He enjoyed watching his girls put our special and eclectic ornaments on the tree and make our delicious cookies; I did buy the ingredients for them, so I must be hoping that the girls and I will maintain that tradition. It's hard to know what to do this year because nothing feels RIGHT. On top of the holiday angst and loneliness, we would have celebrated our 28th anniversary on December 15th and December 31st(New Year's Eve) would have been the 33rd year of our first meeting, at a New Year's Eve party at a friend's house. I was with my fiance(at the time) and he was alone, after swearing off women; he was a hunky construction guy in a toga and I was a 23 year old in a bad relationship who wanted someone genuine and real. Thus, we found each other and the rest, as they say, is history.
Here is the last photo of us, at my husband's family's Thanksgiving, the Sunday before the holiday. At that point, he was getting ready to tell me that he was done with chemo and ready to go, although I didn't know it then. Speaking of family, I'm so thankful for mine and for my colleagues at school, my high school group, my college friends, my Book Club circle and many others. Yet I still haven't heard ONE WORD from my husband's brother or sister and it's been a week. I guess I'm not surprised although I'm still gearing up for drama. I suppose that could be one way to distract me from my agonizing and lonely evenings. :(