*What he said

My husband was always impatient with people who only had positive, glowing things to say about someone who had died. "What's up with that?" he would gripe, "Everyone knows that that person was probably a blankety-blank, yet because of death, s/he is suddenly the most wonderful person in the world! BS." Then he would roll his eyes and purse his lips in a characteristic look he had perfected. (impossible to describe, you just had to see it!) Thus, I'm going to honor him by talking about the REAL Mr. Stargazer too. :)

So, I have to say that, although he was a fantastic problem-solver and spontaneous(unlike me), he could also be arrogant. He often pretended to have had all the answers...and it was pointless to try to argue with him.There were things we could rarely discuss without anger, mainly politics, talk radio(he loved it/I hated it) and mistakes. He absolutely hated to admit that he'd made any and was very subtle about apologizing. That means that he would show me in some random way that he'd been wrong, versus just saying, "I'm sorry. I effed up."

He was also terrifically HARD to work for, as our nephew Brian would attest to. As a perfectionist, my husband was demanding and critical, both of himself and others. Many years ago though(before the cancer), Brian said at a family gathering, "Everything I've learned about work and a work ethic was from my Uncle Patt." That was with his own chronically unemployed and jerky dad sitting right there!  Even Ashley came home from helping her dad on the job with these words: "It's scary! Dad is so different at work than he is at home!"

This is that same nephew at my husband's interment--the only member of his family who showed up. Patt was impatient with people at times, but never gave up on those he believed in and Brian was one of those. When I was ready to throw in the towel over frustrations with situations, he would make me step away from the emotional cliff and THINK instead of just feel. Part of what I'm grieving is that I'll now have to do that for myself and I'm not sure how!

I'm also pondering the mysteries of 2008. During that year, our younger daughter did graduate from high school and our older one from the University of Washington. He was feeling healthy, yet in 2008 he insisted on a new will,  as well as a community property agreement and secretly bought a life insurance policy(received the check today); could he have sensed cancer coming two years later? Lung cancer is a silent and fast killer, so I don't believe that's the answer. Looking back, I'm sure I can pinpoint September 2010 as when the cancer started to manifest itself, although we didn't know until he got pneumonia in early December 2010. He could be stubborn, irascible and opinionated, but oh, how I miss him, even the arguments. It would have been wonderful for him to be able to rejoice about the latest successes of the Seahawks because he kept saying near the end, "They're in the hunt!" (for the playoffs) I crave one more hug, one more "I love you." Like me, he was flawed, yet loved.

 

Comments

[laniza]

Longtime lurker here. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing my husband before his time. Thank you for continuing to be honest and real in this space.

[Zazzy]

I'd rather know the person you described than any 'perfect' person I've ever met.

[Adrasteia]

As I've often told Patrick, "You're not perfect, but you're perfect for me." True story. I think anyone who actually was "perfect" would be absolutely insufferable. I love that he makes mistakes occasionally, because that makes me feel okay about making them sometimes, too! Patt and I would've seen totally eye to eye about the only speaking well of the dead thing. I never got that either.

[Ally Bean]

This is a wonderful, honest tribute to a real person. I like people more for their failings, than for their perfections. Thank you for sharing the other side of Mr. Stargazer with us.

[Donna W]

Great entry indeed. I like real people.

[Teacha]

Really beautiful post on the realness of your Patt. I wish I gotten to meat him. (((Hugs)))

[Ali]

I agree with the other commenters. *hug*

[Marie K]

You've always been good at sharing the real Patt. What a great nephew you have there. Patt's 2008 preplanning is interesting...

[Tonya Watkins]

I have always thought of the two of you as very different from each other, almost opposites, and yet you complemented each other in every way. Real people. ;o)

[Karan]

Every entry you make is such a gift to him and to us. Thank you!

[kayak woman]

This is great, it would be god-awful if everyone was perfect! The 2008 stuff is pretty eerie.

[Jay]

Perhaps 2008 was based on something that he saw happening to somebody else.
I know we should get our paperwork and pre-decisions in better order than they are, but it is hard to think about the unthinkable.

[emma]

What a beautiful tribute (including the flaws in Mr. Stargazer).

[Pam J.]

Beautiful.

[Paulette]

You have described the precious human condition....sweet imperfection. I wish that I had known him. Beautiful post.

[Michelle]

Ha, talk radio. Yep. I cannot stand it. Greg loves it. We talk about things other than politics for the reason you mentioned. But people are so loveable in spite of these things. Love this post.

[Melissa]

Honestly, I know Patt on so many levels -- in fact, I live with a man so much like Patt you'd think they had some sort of cosmic bond. Mine may be a different race, 20 years older, six inches shorter, 75 pounds heavier -- but, by god, their philosophy of life makes them twins.

As to his family attending the memorial -- the right family member came - the one you could hug and be glad to see.

We are all missing Patt, even when we'd never actually met face-to-face. MGW

[Liora]

I like the whole person described, as you have done. It is so much more believable, and it shows us he was wonderful AND human. He couldn't have known that he'd get cancer. Sometimes there's an unexplainable nudging to do things, and it sounds like he heard it and heeded it.

Wishing you strength and a happy 2013 even though you're missing Patt.

[rebecca]

I'm so glad your nephew came! That speaks volumes about Patt's character and your nephew's. I've been thinking about you...