Ah hah

At this week's staff meeting our principal mentioned the "ah hah" moments of students suddenly realizing that they now understand what to do on quizzes and tests, if only the "unreasonable, uncaring" teachers would let them re-test. Thus, I thought I would title my post that way just because if they can have their moments, so can I. In my current state of "I don't really give a damn," I raised my hand in front of everyone and replied, "I was here until 4:30 yesterday because too many students get this ah hah moment at the end of the semester, and I'm not willing to be here until 5 every night next week." May I just say, ah hah moments (in this case) equal utter bullshit. Please excuse the plain speaking, but there is no more fitting word. My ah hah moments of the week?

• I really, really never wanted to be a widow and although I'm comfortable with myself and fine with being alone, I hate it all. No matter how many coffee dates, dinners or activities my wonderful friends plan for me, I just don't feel connected to my life right now. The joy is gone.
• Decent books distract me, but I can't concentrate very well. Thus, I start a book and then can't continue in it, even if I know it's probably well worth reading.
• School has been both positive and negative(see above); I mostly feel relieved and delighted to be back in my routine. A couple of parents have sent me touching e-mails about how they have never seen so many students concerned and upset about a teacher...and that my kids love me. (except when I make them do grammar like today--then I don't feel the love!) I'm telling myself, 3 more years after this one and I can retire. I'm pretty sure I want to. Then I wonder what I'll do with myself without Patt, just hang around the house? There are no easy answers.
• I understand that I'm still in denial and depressed; I probably need a counselor but have no desire to add that to my plate. Plus, I'm not sure what I would even say without crying.
• 
  And as you can see, I'm not a pretty crier.

Comments

[Michelle]

Then we need to redefine our notion of pretty. Grief is oh so human. And normal.

Regarding the meeting at school, I would have said something along the same lines. I never was able to keep my mouth shut about that stuff.

[Zazzy]

Teachers should let you re-test at the end of the semester because now you've learned what you were supposed to have learned to begin with? How are these kids going to cope with college? Do-over! Oh, my.

Hugs to you. I wish there were a path through grief that could be easier. About the books, do you re-read old books? Would it be more comforting to visit an old-friend-book, something you know you love and can lose yourself in for a while?

[Ally Bean]

I'm sorry for all your difficulties. One day at a time, eh?

[Kathy]

When I'm grieving I can't read either. Do what feels comfortable and it will come back in time. As for retirement? I have the same worries about retirement, which for me is 2 years away. BUT every friend I have who's retired says they're busier and happier now than ever, which I find comforting.

[Profesora de español]

The end of the quarter shenanigans are driving me insane right now. "Unreasonable, uncaring" teachers? It's those "unreasonable, uncaring" teachers that are preparing these kids for the real world where they'll have deadlines they need to meet and do-overs are few and far between. Ugh. I can't even think about this anymore.

As for you personally, you've been teaching for so long that I definitely think you deserve to retire soon! I'm sure you'll find plenty of things to fill your time, things you'll enjoy way more than dealing with bad admin/colleagues and apathetic students. You'll have time for old hobbies and develop new ones.

Finally, don't beat yourself up about crying. You're still sad, so cry as long as you need to. *Hug*

[Adrasteia]

I've never once asked for a re-test or a re-anything. If I sucked on some exam, it was my own damn fault and I needed to study harder next time. This is that whole entitlement bullshit problem. "I'm a special snowflake so I deserve an A even though I did nothing to earn it." To hell with that noise. Good for you standing up to the lot of them.

I wish I could brighten your life permanently, but all I can do is love you and be there for you when you want company. <3

[Melissa]

You are holding up remarkably well -- which is wonderful for you but probably doesn't generate heaps of help and lots of attention (which you might not want anyway). Those of us who "cope" often get kind of ignored (my sister-in-law, whom I adore but don't much understand, does NOT cope and consequently the world seems to linger at her feet) and over looked because, well, we are plugging forward, one foot at a time. Three years is a LONG time and then again -- it's a very, very short time. Glad you have the resources to retire but start now thinking about what you really want to do in retirement. My friend Debby joined all kinds of boards and really began to be productive in the community. I cook meals and go the the gym three times a week -- and read novels in bed until noon. It all depends on what you want -- but you need to think about it before the big day comes. Hugs. MGW

[Marie K]

I hate it when the administrators try to make us, who put in ALL the TIME and EFFORT, feel bad for something like that. It just goes to show that they have been out of the classroom too long (if they were ever in it in the first place). Good for you for speaking up!

[Donna W]

Cliff always tells me I need to outlive him because I am such a loner and will be fine. I wouldn't, although I'm sure I would cope if I had to. But nobody else will think I am the most wonderful, beautiful, sexiest person in the world. Nobody else will see me the way he sees me. That's the problem with being the one left behind. I can almost (but not quite) feel your pain.

[Karan]

I think as long as people are willing to give you a bye for crankiness, you should go for it! Take the opportunity to say what you really think in a way that pleases you! And don't worry about the books...if you can't make it through a novel, read novellas and short stories instead...or simp fare that doesn't require you to remember what happened on the page before...I know I've seen plenty of those lately.

[Tonya Watkins]

I think a counselor would probably blink at you and say, "But OF COURSE you are still feeling raw grief after less than 2 months!" Oh, if it could just be chased away, or if you could go to sleep for 6 months and wake up feeling better. That said, an antidepressant would likely soften those sharp edges. (Not addictive, either, and your regular doctor can prescribe it. Just a thought).

UGH on the do-over thing. So *helpful* for dealing with real life.