At this week's staff meeting our principal mentioned the "ah hah" moments of students suddenly realizing that they now understand what to do on quizzes and tests, if only the "unreasonable, uncaring" teachers would let them re-test. Thus, I thought I would title my post that way just because if they can have their moments, so can I. In my current state of "I don't really give a damn," I raised my hand in front of everyone and replied, "I was here until 4:30 yesterday because too many students get this ah hah moment at the end of the semester, and I'm not willing to be here until 5 every night next week." May I just say, ah hah moments (in this case) equal utter bullshit. Please excuse the plain speaking, but there is no more fitting word. My ah hah moments of the week?
- I really, really never wanted to be a widow and although I'm comfortable with myself and fine with being alone, I hate it all. No matter how many coffee dates, dinners or activities my wonderful friends plan for me, I just don't feel connected to my life right now. The joy is gone.
- Decent books distract me, but I can't concentrate very well. Thus, I start a book and then can't continue in it, even if I know it's probably well worth reading.
- School has been both positive and negative(see above); I mostly feel relieved and delighted to be back in my routine. A couple of parents have sent me touching e-mails about how they have never seen so many students concerned and upset about a teacher...and that my kids love me. (except when I make them do grammar like today--then I don't feel the love!) I'm telling myself, 3 more years after this one and I can retire. I'm pretty sure I want to. Then I wonder what I'll do with myself without Patt, just hang around the house? There are no easy answers.
- I understand that I'm still in denial and depressed; I probably need a counselor but have no desire to add that to my plate. Plus, I'm not sure what I would even say without crying.
And as you can see, I'm not a pretty crier.