“It's okay if you want to go.
Everyone wants you to stay. I want you to stay more than I've ever
wanted anything in my life. But that's what I want and I could see
why it might not be what you want. So I just wanted to tell you that
I understand if you go. It's okay if you have to leave us. It's okay
if you want to stop fighting.”
― Gayle
Forman
When Ashley made him a compilation of his favorite, but obscure John Denver tunes and he looked at her like this...
When he tried to hula hoop and it was a miserable failure, but made us all laugh...
When he was at the beginning stages of his cancer in August of 2010, but we were blissfully unaware...
And when he was so sick and tired of the cancer after Thanksgiving (nearly two years later) that he was ready to end it. I had told him from the beginning of his/our cancer journey that I would respect his decisions about treatment and would always support him and have his back no matter what. But
it when it came time to allow him to die, as he wished, I really,
really wanted to change my mind and hold on as hard as I could! You
can't even imagine. I'm not brave. I'm not strong. I'm just hurting like h*ll and trying to stumble through each day the best I can. Miss you every minute, Patt. xoxo I also wish I could write poetry about my loss the way Ashley can...
Je me souviens
Des jours anciens
Et je pleure. - Verlaine
Thinking of you often, Margaret. Praying that your grief will be lightened by that peace which is beyond our understanding. The world mourns Patt's passing for we are all affected by the stark reality of the veil lifted in its entirety. Much love to you.
Posted by: Paulette | January 29, 2013 at 09:39 PM
You do write so beautifully, though, it's almost like poetry. I cannot imagine what you're going through, but you help me to understand it. Hugs to you. I wish I'd known him. I bet I would have liked him.
Posted by: Mary | January 29, 2013 at 10:02 PM
Thinking of you from far away.
Posted by: Kathy | January 30, 2013 at 05:22 AM
Oh my word. That poem. Beautiful.
Posted by: Michelle | January 30, 2013 at 07:30 AM
Virtual hugs from far away. I agree with Mary, your prose is as beautiful and expressive as any poem. It isn't about how you write it, it's the feelings.
Posted by: Zazzy | January 30, 2013 at 07:37 AM
You most definitely have a way with words that transcends your grief. I can feel it in my bones. I just wish it didn't have to be.
Posted by: Tonya | January 30, 2013 at 10:58 AM
I would like to think that if I am ever in a similar situation to yours I would be able to gracefully bow to my partner's wishes and allow him to pass without having to drag me kicking and screaming. That IS strong, you know. I don't know if I could do it. I hope so, if it should ever come to pass.
Posted by: Adrasteia | January 30, 2013 at 12:06 PM
You may not write poetry, but your words are still beautiful.
Thinking of you.
Posted by: Profesora de español | January 30, 2013 at 01:12 PM
That must have been hard. You may not think you're brave and strong, but you sure seem that way to me!
Posted by: Marie K | January 30, 2013 at 07:32 PM
Your last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry, Margaret.
Posted by: Stephanie | January 30, 2013 at 10:11 PM
Ashley's poem divulges her deep intelligence and soft heart, aspects she gleaned from her mother and father, to be sure.
Verlaine's poem describes the deepest grief. It is good that you are not afraid to feel, Margaret.
Praying for you...
Posted by: Bonnie | January 31, 2013 at 01:33 PM