New Year 2013, too new

I wish I could tell you that I handled the ringing in of a new year with optimism and calmness, but I spent too much of the time crying and remembering how much my husband loved ALL holidays. Just take a glance back at the post I wrote last year; although I was terrified of what this past year would hold, I didn't really anticipate his death. He was, at that time (as far as we knew) clear of cancer, getting his hair back and feeling OK, although still tired--probably from the effing lung cancer spreading insidiously to other organs. CANCER SUCKS! And I wonder, would I have wanted to know what this year would bring? (horrible family issues, estrangements, hospital stays, Hospice and then his death) Or should I have focused on the bowling outings, the game nights, the birthdays and holidays, the trips to NYC and Santa Monica, the evenings we spent together chatting and doing the Super Quiz out of the newspaper, as I tried to? I don't have any regrets about any of it, but wonder if I was realistic enough about his prognosis. Would that have made it easier for me now or is the whole situation impossible to process in the short amount of time I've had? I'm not sure I'm being fair to myself at all...In my internet meanderings, I found this article extremely thought-provoking. And although I'm not sure if it's healthy or unhealthy, I feel compelled sometimes to visit the cemetery, this past time to drop off a Rosemary tree, for remembrance.

That reminded me of a Christmas several years back when he bought the girls rosemary trees because he thought they were "so cool."

You already realize from my last post that I would never claim that he was perfect, but he could often do the perfect small gestures to brighten up our lives. I miss that, and him.

Comments

[Adrasteia]

I hope this year brings you some measure of peace and healing, although I imagine that process will be slow. The rosemary tree you left is a lovely gesture. I'm sure he would have appreciated it. I won't say Happy New Year, since that seems kind of unlikely, but perhaps Tolerable New Year? Leading to Okay New Year and eventually Happy New Year again. *hug*

[Karan]

I suspect that over time you'll be able to sift all of this into manageable piles of memory...make them easier to process and once your stop having to endure all of these "firsts", you'll probably be able to do some of that sorting.

[Tonya Watkins]

I believe Karan is right -- every "first" will feel so raw, and likely knock you sideways time and time again. But also remember to do good things for yourself. You deserve whatever small, medium, or large pleasures you can possibly muster.

[Zazzy]

I love the idea of a rosemary tree. Patt was right, they look cool. I think that you and Patt lived this past year, good and bad. I'm doubting that it would make you feel better now if you had spent the whole year worried that he would die instead of enjoying the time you had. But please stop (apparently) criticizing yourself for grieving. You will grieve the way you grieve.

[Ally Bean]

The article is interesting. I think that like so many things, it is all a pendulum that swings back and forth. You can only confront what is behind the veil for so long, or you'll go nuts. Then, conversely, you can only deal with the day-to-day tedium before you go bonkers.

I suspect that as the pendulum swings more slowly and less dramatically for you, you will get to a better place with your grief and your happy memories. It will always be a lousy thing that happened to you, but you'll find the balance you need within the experience... eventually.

[Michelle]

I guess you just have to take it moment by moment -- something that we all should be doing more often. Wishing you a beautiful New Year in spite of it all.

[Marie K]

Just remember that you are entitled to grieve any way that you feel is right. I love your rosemary tree tribute. What a meaningful, great idea.