One month

So, how many of you actually read the link to the Veil article in my last post? Because I'm going to refer to it at this one month "anniversary." The Veil is still ripped away and I'm trying to mend it with numerous mundane activities, both big and small. As my grieving book said, most people have moved on from the immediacy of someone's loss after one month...and sure enough, today was the first day I didn't get any cards in the mail. I admit that I've been spending some of my time wallowing in anger and hating reality. So, stay away if you can't handle a dose of bitterness now and then. I'm working on getting that pesky Veil back, since it's a great distraction and covers up what I don't want to or can't handle. I'm doing so thus:

• I went back to work yesterday, to the apparent delight of my students and colleagues. I had the best sub in the world, but my students were still glad to be back to their own familiar routine. ME TOO! There were hugs galore and not too many tears, although I did fight for control at times. And I also vented about department politics with a couple of close friends; how does a teacher who is doing his job end up with 113 As(nearly every student) and 0 Fs? IN FIRST YEAR?? I'm sure the admin loves it, but really? I need to retire.
• Yesterday I also took our VHS C tapes to Costco to have them transferred to DVD, so that we can play them easily and they'll be safe. There are so many touching moments on them with my husband talking, hugging the girls, comforting them, making jokes, even being a jerk. :) It took a long time because I kept putting the Touch of Death on each photo machine I used. I ended up using three different ones, although the employee assured me that it wasn't my fault. Yeah, right.
• 
  I also sent in his obituary and a photo(of him in a cheesehead and a quirky grin) to the local newspaper--to be published on January 13th, unless I somehow messed up. ;) I'll eventually put up a link to the beautiful words that Ashley wrote about him, some of them from his own obit/autobiography. Now we/I move on to planning his Celebration of Life. For me that includes scanning loads of photos and producing a photo show with some of his favorite John Denver music; for the girls it will mean putting together a duet of "On the Wings of a Dream" and figuring out a sing-a-long for Take me home, country road. This feels like something he would want to be part of, if he were here.
• As always, supportive friends and family are the best, like my sister of the heart who was waiting in my driveway when I got home from work today. We chatted for a while; it was great to have the company on a lonely Friday evening. We won't discuss my husband's family since they've been non-existent for me OR THE GIRLS. My husband would say to write them off, in fact not too long before he died, he told me, "When I'm gone, you don't need to have anything to do with my sister and brother!" But it's still impossible hard not to feel bitter.

Comments

[Rebecca]

Your sister of the heart is my favorite person today. And rage away! You have every right to be mad and irritated and...

[Donna W]

It's natural to feel bitter and/or angry. It would be unhealthy for you to deny it or try to cover it up. "Take Me Home, Country Roads" is one of my all-time favorite songs, and if anybody wants to play it at my memorial service, it would be oh, so fitting.

[Brett]

I Totally Agree With All That Donna W Said. I Love "Take Me Home, Country Roads" It's John Denver at His Best !

And as for the "In Laws" Just Forget Them. If they ever do show up. Let Them Have Both Barrels and Tell Them "Exactly What You Think Of Them"! They Deserve It !!!

[Brett]

I Forgot To Tell You That I'm "Still" Sending "All The Good Vibes" I Can Muster !

[ms_teacher]

Everything you feel, you are entitled to feel, which I'm sure you know. I loved reading your updates about your husband and I love reading your updates now as well. Thank you so much for letting us be a part of your life.

[Tracy]

The Veil analogy is a perfect description. It is amazing what the human mind and soul can endure--yours included!

[Jay]

I did read the article and it makes me want to BE in the present. And yet I still find myself "wasting" time too frequently. Although I have been relatively successful in just enjoying events as they occur instead of trying to document them. Small steps.

[Stephanie]

That's so good that you are getting your tapes on DVD. I need to do that.
I still think about you every day because your story is now intertwined with my thoughts of Uncle Don, who I think about every day. I hope you are giving yourself a lot of grace in everything you are feeling. Have you read "The Year of Magical Thinking"? She writes a lot about how the first year is especially terrible because every day is the also first calendar day of the new reality. Not that I'm recommeding a book to read (you have probably received too many recommendations), but it was that book that helped me understand some of what our family went through.
Love to you from your neighbor down south.

[kayak woman]

Lot's to think about here. The celebration sounds like it'll be wonderful and I *love* that you're using a cheesehead photo! I haven't used a movie transfer machine (didn't realize you could do that self-serve) but self-serve photo printing machines drive me so nuts that I've begun sending still photos off to Shutterfly to print. I would definitely write off the in-laws. Not worth the time of day.

[Zazzy]

There's a lot of John Denver music, particularly the older stuff, that touches my heart. Annie's Song has always been a favorite and Poems, Prayers and Promises. "I have to say it now, it's been a good life all in all...."

[Michelle]

I'm learning to let go of my expectations of how family should act. I have been so disappointed, and this Christmas was no exception. I can't imagine how you must feel that even now, they are still hanging on to whatever negative patterns they have that keep them from showing love. Yay for sisters of the heart. <3

[Ally Bean]

I'm glad that you went back to such a pleasant reception at school. And I like your idea of the DVD. As for the strange [non]behavior of your in-laws, some people are just too weird to understand. So don't bother.

[Melissa]

You are always in my thoughts. I wish I could believe it would get easier for you as time passes but I honestly think it's going to be harder rather than easier for a while. Glad you have school and great kids, both personally and professionally, to take your mind off some of the loneliness you are feeling. Planning the celebration will help, too. Don't beat yourself up (as much as you can help it) about how you are feeling. And as for Patt's family -- you and I both know that you get back in life what you send out to others. I'm glad you had this year with Patt -- I just wish we all could have granted you both more time. MGW

[Marie K]

That's a fun photo of Patt. It sounds like it was good for you to go back to work (mostly anyway). It's easy to give everyone As when you don't really evaluate progress. I can't believe your husband's family. Ugh.

[Karen F]

Love the cheesehead with goofy smile photo! Great choice :-)

[Tonya]

The cheesehead photo for the obit is priceless!! Absolutely perfect.

I now have multiple John Denver earworms -- but that's not necessarily a bad thing!

[Arlene]

He was right - don't deal with those guys anymore! Recently had a big break with my own husband's sister and I have to tell you, there is something very liberating about being able to say, "hey, you are not part of my life anymore." Shame on them, but you seem to know they weren't going to be there for anyone but themselves.

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