Managing...sort of

There is just too much sometimes...making decisions about tool sales, stressing out about the vehicles sitting alongside the house, scheduling appointments to sign official papers, figuring out what to do with my quiet and lonely evenings, not knowing what I want to do with my life at all. I was SO settled and confident when my husband was alive and now I'm completely unnerved by basic tasks. What's happening to me? However...

• I did read through the sympathy cards again which I really needed to do. I apologize to those of you who sent them early; I was in shock and barely looked at them. Now that I'm more(?) coherent, I'm actually reading them and appreciating all the people who sent them, as well as fretting why a few others didn't bother. People handle grief differently, yada yada. I can accept that while not appreciating it much! And what about the bizarre card from my husband's brother's sort of common law wife/girlfriend? It didn't have his name in the return address or the signature on the card which I'm assuming was deliberate. *sigh* The junior high games never end, do they? I refuse to play.
• As a cancer magnet I "get" to hear about everyone else's relatives with cancer, including a student who tearfully shared with me yesterday that her mom has terminal cancer. Of course I was sympathetic and caring, but it's AGONIZING for me to even hear the word cancer right now. On another note, I'll be devastated when my wonderful mom and dad die, yet it can't be compared to the loss of my beloved 59 year old husband with whom I lived and shared a day to day life. I can't compare my experience either to that of a teller/acquaintance at my bank whose 49 year old husband died on November 30th, leaving a four year old child who is now acting out. We can share our tragedies, but never completely and that's normal. The people I most appreciate tell me that they can't understand or know how I feel, but they are sorry and love me, in spite of my angst and occasional bitterness.
• Finally, I did something I never thought I could do. My husband would have accomplished it in 5 minutes, but it took me more like an hour. The lock on the back slider jammed somehow and it wouldn't lock, which sent me into a REAL panic. I don't live in a dangerous neighborhood, but the thought of leaving that door unlocked was terrifying! (it's already tough to be here alone) So, I tried spraying it with lubricant(nope), prying out the lock with a knife(nope, except that I nearly cut myself), finding some iron or wood that I could stick in the door to keep it closed(nope,the pieces were all too long) then when I was in tears and ready to go over to the neighbor's...I remembered my little eyeglass screwdriver. I stuck it into the lock and wiggled it around a bunch until something clicked into place and VOILA, I could lock the door. Will I ever unlock it again? Doubtful for the time being. These kinds of projects from hell make me miss my very capable husband even more. He would tell me that I can do these things, and that I can manage, but then, he always had more faith in me than I have in myself.

Comments

[Adrasteia]

I'm proud of you! I didn't send a card, but I never send cards. Instead I will bring you flowers and French music and hugs on Saturday. If it's any relief, neither I nor anyone I know has cancer, so I will not be traumatizing you with more stories of that horribleness. Also, I am not pregnant, so we don't have to mourn what a terrible mother I'd be, either. (And I would be, I assure you. I have no patience and I loathe children almost as much as I despise fruit punch, which is saying something.) Unfortunately we can't get drunk as we both have to drive and I'm on meds that make it so alcohol is liable to kill me if taken in more than minute doses, but that's what coffee and chocolate after lunch are for! I swear I will be healthy and it will not snow.

[Ally Bean]

I can only imagine how weird and difficult it must be to face all of these everyday challenges by yourself. Like Adrasteia said, I'm proud of you. One little step at time, I suppose. Managing change like this is a slow process.

[Zazzy]

You know you don't have to make all those decisions right away? Don't overwhelm yourself. Do what you have to do and give yourself permission to not worry about anything that isn't necessary right now. And I apologize for past cancer stories.

[kayak woman]

Finally online with an actual *keyboard*, which makes it soooo much easier to write a long rambly comment! I am *not* handy at all in a mechanical sense and I don't know what I would do with broken doors, etc. Probably call Mouse [grin]. I also think that you shouldn't try to make a whole bunch of decisions at once. I have never been through losing a husband but I think your energy to decide things will ebb and flow. I would just go with it (but you know that). And it *is* different losing an elderly parent, especially when you have to uproot yourself from your life to hang out with one who lingers in pain for weeks on end. That said, I wish for more good years for your parents! Sounds like they might be a help to you.

[Tonya]

I am utterly and completely UNmechanically inclined, so I am marveling at you for your repair job! Yay, you!

I also think it's a wise idea to take it easy, take it slow with decision-making, big or small. ;o)

[Marie K]

Good for you for fixing the lock. Sounds like you had a lot of ideas for getting it fixed. When I first got divorced, I was often calling my dad to get his ideas on how to do/fix things. It's good to have resources (whether your own or someone else). :)

[Carl]

His faith was not unfounded, you know... You're a lot more capable, in many, many ways, than you've ever given yourself credit for. Everyone who knows you sees it. You WILL come through, and manage your life as well as you ever have. And you're surrounded by friends who'll always be there to help out, too, you know. We all have faith in you, too.

[Brett]

Congratulations on fixing that lock ! Now, Just Take A Deep Breath ..... Let It Out Slowly ..... And Most Of All Remember "You Can Do This" ! What Ever "This" Is ! All It Takes Is A Little Patients ! And If That Doesn't Work Just Stop And Think About Which Of Your Many Many Friends Can Help You Take Care Of Whatever It Is That Needs Taking Care Of !

That's What "Friends" Are For !!!

[Michelle]

I know what you mean about that feeling of people not understanding. It is a very lonely feeling.

Somehow, strength comes out of it.

[Karan]

Carl is right, you are capable, just out of practice in some of the more mechanical skills. I'm sure it's scary but you can do it! Remember, baby steps!

[Melissa]

I related so closely to your difficulty with the lock. Will always wants to explain to me HOW things work when he fixes them for me -- and I simply don't care about that, I just want things to work and for him to go on fixing them for me. I know it's not realistic . . . but it's WHAT I WANT! (can you hear the cartoon WAHHHHH! added in?). I can't imagine how awful for you to keep hearing about others' hardships . . . but I know each of us keeps trying to top the stories we're told, as if somehow, that makes it seem like we relate. Hugs, my friend. MGW