There is just too much sometimes...making decisions about tool sales, stressing out about the vehicles sitting alongside the house, scheduling appointments to sign official papers, figuring out what to do with my quiet and lonely evenings, not knowing what I want to do with my life at all. I was SO settled and confident when my husband was alive and now I'm completely unnerved by basic tasks. What's happening to me? However...
- I did read through the sympathy cards again which I really needed to do. I apologize to those of you who sent them early; I was in shock and barely looked at them. Now that I'm more(?) coherent, I'm actually reading them and appreciating all the people who sent them, as well as fretting why a few others didn't bother. People handle grief differently, yada yada. I can accept that while not appreciating it much! And what about the bizarre card from my husband's brother's sort of common law wife/girlfriend? It didn't have his name in the return address or the signature on the card which I'm assuming was deliberate. *sigh* The junior high games never end, do they? I refuse to play.
- As a cancer magnet I "get" to hear about everyone else's relatives with cancer, including a student who tearfully shared with me yesterday that her mom has terminal cancer. Of course I was sympathetic and caring, but it's AGONIZING for me to even hear the word cancer right now. On another note, I'll be devastated when my wonderful mom and dad die, yet it can't be compared to the loss of my beloved 59 year old husband with whom I lived and shared a day to day life. I can't compare my experience either to that of a teller/acquaintance at my bank whose 49 year old husband died on November 30th, leaving a four year old child who is now acting out. We can share our tragedies, but never completely and that's normal. The people I most appreciate tell me that they can't understand or know how I feel, but they are sorry and love me, in spite of my angst and occasional bitterness.
- Finally, I did something I never thought I could do. My husband would have accomplished it in 5 minutes, but it took me more like an hour. The lock on the back slider jammed somehow and it wouldn't lock, which sent me into a REAL panic. I don't live in a dangerous neighborhood, but the thought of leaving that door unlocked was terrifying! (it's already tough to be here alone) So, I tried spraying it with lubricant(nope), prying out the lock with a knife(nope, except that I nearly cut myself), finding some iron or wood that I could stick in the door to keep it closed(nope,the pieces were all too long) then when I was in tears and ready to go over to the neighbor's...I remembered my little eyeglass screwdriver. I stuck it into the lock and wiggled it around a bunch until something clicked into place and VOILA, I could lock the door. Will I ever unlock it again? Doubtful for the time being. These kinds of projects from hell make me miss my very capable husband even more. He would tell me that I can do these things, and that I can manage, but then, he always had more faith in me than I have in myself.