Tired

“Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor's mind toward some resolution which it may never find.”
― Robert Anderson
I'm sick of grieving and being sad and missing him. It's been two months(as of yesterday) and I still love him and miss him as much as ever. I'm not even sure that I'm over the denial that he's REALLY not coming back. He wasn't here when my engine light went on in the car after $2100 worth of repairs.He was gifted at anything mechanical and would have listened patiently to my b*tching about the mechanics. He's not around at night to exchange stories of our daily activities; even when he was quite sick with cancer, he would listen, share and comfort. I miss that. He always had great perspectives on our girls and their various relationship and school issues; he could calm all of us down with his quiet and loving logic. All my friends and my family are being caring and wonderful, but nothing really helps. I hate being a widow. And I hate myself for being so sad and for not really wanting to move on. Grief isn't pretty or romanticized. It just is.

Comments

[Jay]

I am so sorry.
I can't imagine wearing the word widow.
The only suggestion I can come up with is to adopt a WWPD (What would Patt do) mindset - when necessary or appropriate. You never know what it could do.

[Ally Bean]

"Grief isn't pretty or romanticized. It just is." Yes, it is a miserable state of being.

I think that Jay's suggestion is a great one. It is similar to what my aunt told me after my uncle died. She said that she still talked to him as if he was still alive, because to her, he was still alive. A bit loopy, perhaps... but still kind of makes sense.

[Karan]

You are really hard on yourself, too hard I think. While it is very clear that your grief is still raw and rightfully so, hopefully soon, for your sake, you can reach that a of accepting what is. And I like Jay's WWPD suggestion!

[Michelle]

Oh goodness. That hating yourself bit sounds a little too much like me. The situation sucks. No need to feel bad about feeling bad. I wish all the badness in the world would simply disappear. :-(

[Adrasteia]

People often romanticize poverty, too, for some reason. Neither that nor grief are pretty or romantic. They are both hard, horrible, and full of little miseries that sneak up on you just when you think you're starting to get a handle on the bigger and more obvious issue. Depression is the same way, come to think of it. I find it morbidly hilarious that people think Get Well Soon cards do anything, but I suppose I should try to appreciate the sentiment.

More appropriate would be Don't Give It To Me or Try To Act Happy cards. Please Whitewash Your Facebook So I Can Pretend Everything Is Fine, or perhaps Let's Discuss How Young And Vital We Feel And Act Like Aging And Sickness Don't Exist!

I'm more cynical than usual today because I have sinuses full of what feels like cement. I hear ya.

[Tonya]

I don't think it's in our control to choose to "move on." It might be a talk you'd want to have with yourself after several years, but certainly not after only two months. Grief has a schedule of its own. :o(

[Zazzy]

You and the folks in the comments are right, grief isn't pretty. It just is. And I guess I'm not sure it ever goes away completely. You get through it and it hurts less and maybe you're able to remember the funny things more easily or something, but you've lost a part of yourself. Go easy on you.

[kayak woman]

My mom talked to my dad all the time after he died. I think that before I experienced my dad's death, I might've thought this phenomenon was nuts but my mom was such a down-to-earth pragmatic person that I came to understand how normal it could be for a widow after many years of marriage to that.

I love what so many of your commenters have said (hi Jay). What Tonya says rings true. Grief has a schedule of its own.

[Donna W]

Don't hate yourself. This is the new normal. Another normal will present itself tomorrow. One step at a time, one day at a time, you will survive. It may not be fun, but that's how it goes.

[Tracy]

I have typed at least half a dozen sentiments and deleted them for fear that they sound trite, so I am left with simply saying that you are too hard on yourself. Two months is a short time for so big am adjustment, and your heart and mind need time to heal and adapt to the new normal. Be kind to yourself!

[Pam J.]

You might still be in shock. Or maybe shock mixed with denial. There's a kind of physical pain associated with the feeling of loss, especially in the early months.