Feelings

If I had to express how I feel in one word, it would be "lost." I don't know quite what to do with myself; I'm keeping busy with work, reading and Book Club(a little bit of drama there, hopefully resolved), as well as dates with friends for coffee and Happy Hours. Yet, I am empty. It's WAY harder to come home to an empty house than I imagined. It seems unreal that I can't call him on the phone to check in or tell him a funny/frustrating story in the family room. Only he would completely understand my ramblings or identify with me; he knew all the ins and outs of my life. I have made a couple of PROBABLE decisions though: I will retire 3 years after this one; in fact, I'm spending tonight and all day tomorrow at a WEA retirement seminar. It sounded great when I signed up for it, but now that I'm giving up most of my weekend, blech. I'll also eventually get a smart phone; I'm leaning toward an iPhone. P.S. Untrained, impatient perfectionist+new gadget=lots of VENTING! (add that to the normal spring kerfuffle over staffing and incompetent department members/admin...) I'm hoping to visit Ashley in California soon, as well as keeping my fingers crossed that Alison graduates this quarter and finds something productive(wage earning?) to do! As always, I'm focusing on the small moments:

Flowers in February bring thoughts of spring and longer days, maybe even some eventual sun! And I need to learn to bloom where I'm planted like these crocuses.

 

Comments

[Profesora de español]

"I need to learn to bloom where I'm planted" - Beautiful words, Margaret. You will surely "find" yourself eventually, although it will of course be a new you, but you will find yourself. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month, maybe not even next year, but you'll get to a place where you're at least feeling alright. That is my hope.

[Ali]

You have wise friends whose comments are always spot-on. So I'll add my voice to La Profesora's.

[Marie K]

It's nice to see some spring flowers. :) Who knows how long that "lost" feeling will last. I would imagine it varies from person to person. However, seeing people at work who have lost their spouses, I have seen that it does improve. (I'm much better at coffee dates than helpful words...)

[Michelle]

Attending a retirement seminar doesn't exactly sound thrilling. I hope it wasn't too bad!

[Adrasteia]

Will you be okay money-wise if you retire in 3 years? Also, what will you do to pass the time and give yourself a good reason to get up and out and feel productive/proud during the day? I inquire because you're specifically mentioning that you feel at ends now and like you don't know what to do with yourself. I don't want you to give up something that has given you satisfaction and direction for so many years if there isn't a definite plan for something else to take its place. I worry because I love, Maman! <3

[Tonya Watkins]

What are you reading in Book Club? (Bummer about the drama!)

Oh, I do so much LOVE my iPhone. It's pretty much an appendage.

I've since seen on FB that you really enjoyed the retirement seminar and I'm glad it was worthwhile. Was it specifically for teachers? I'm kind of thinking something like that would be beneficial for John and me.

I'm thinking you need something to look forward to -- pleasant things. Big and small. Travel? A pet? Heh, of course those have their downsides...)

[melanie]

I finally broke down and got a Smartphone. Whenever I'm clueless about how to work the thing, I just ask one of my students. They are way smarter about technology than me!

[Melissa]

Lonely is such a hollow feeling. I have to admit that on reading this post, I felt relieved that I wasn't facing "lonely." It's such a comfort knowing that Hubby is in the next room, watching his boring TV, but there to talk with me if I have something to say. You remind me of the things I have to be grateful for. Three years to retirement? It that counting this year or three MORE years. You are such a youngster! MGW

[Pam J.]

I recently read a book called "Wish You Were Here" by Stewart O'Nan. It's about a family who go on their usual summer vacation but without the father of the clan who has recently died. The widow says this about the night of this death: "...that night, driving back from the hospital all her worries and terrors [were] fulfilled and obliterated at the same time, and nothing to take their place." It made me think of you.