Stargazer

Tales of Past and Present

In 2009 and 2015 I visited my older daughter in Senegal; they were TRIPS in more ways than one. I learned a lot about myself and challenges that I could face and meet. The latter time was preceded by going to South Korea in March and Thailand in August to see Younger Daughter. By the time I returned home, I was thoroughly burned out, as life changing and fascinating as my travels were. Now when these memories come through on Facebook, I think, "There is no way I could do that again." Too many time changes, lots of shots and pills, culture and cuisine differences, AND ginormous bugs. 

Senegal has beautiful areas, although the history of this place isn't at all pretty. 

It also can be frightening, mostly the animals and the driving. The people were generally friendly and helpful...when they weren't heavily pressuring us to buy something. I soon learned that big markets (like Dakar) gave me near anxiety attacks and that I couldn't establish eye contact with vendors. Even a firm "NON" was an invitation to barter, so I (with great difficulty) ignored the entreaties and kept silent. Yes, I can do it! 

This photo came through in my memories too. Chinook (on the bottom) was the best dog--a Malamute mix and so sweet and affectionate. The puppy was Kiwi, an Australian shepherd, Blue Heeler and Dingo mix. We should have called him Dingy! He was ferociously smart, but destructive and mischievous like most working dogs when they get bored. I haven't had a dog in decades and seeing this photo makes me nostalgic for these cuties. But dogs are lots of work and Mari would definitely disapprove. 

Fast forward to the present: Anders, his mom and I took her Jeep to get new brakes. (ouch) He adored the big tires and toddling around the showroom. 

He also loved "driving" the '44 Jeep Willys. He fussed a lot when I took him out of there! :)

I'm thankful that all three grandsons enjoy books and being read to. In big news, Younger Daughter appears to have a new job working for the VA and assembling medical paperwork for veterans' appointments. Although it's mostly remote, it would involve training to do basic medical tasks. She really wanted the position and is excited about it whereas I'm asking myself these questions: What is she going to do about daycare? How much will I be involved and for how long? And even more importantly, will it conflict with AA? I want her to work, but it's vital that she stay healthy too. Like the Facebook relationship status says, IT'S COMPLICATED. 

 

A Blur

My sleep was interrupted, I'm still extremely concerned about Younger Daughter and her attitude and situation, I may be getting a cold (ugh)yet the weekend with the grandsons was fabulous. It was particularly special that both daughters wanted to visit their grandma, which delighted her immensely. She loves being with family! 

Upon seeing me, both boys wanted to be picked up and snuggled. I'm in decent shape for 68, but about 60 pounds of squirming little guys was a bit much. Thankfully, they allowed me to put them down so they could walk into Gigi's house. Whew! 

We played, we danced, we shared videos of the boys, and we chatted with Gigi. I know it meant a lot to my mom.

Prior to the boys' and their mom's visit, I bought some VERY healthy cereals for breakfast. Just kidding! They chose the dinosaur egg oatmeal which turned out to be quite disappointing. The dinosaurs were miniscule and dissolved quickly. Sharky and Obro didn't fuss at all though, just ate every bit of the oatmeal. During their breakfast, Older Daughter and I were busy making coffee after a night of wake ups and musical beds. I ended up with Sharky in my daughter's bed where she had originally been and Obro and his mom finished the short night in the futon where Sharky started out. I am lucky to still be awake at 7 p.m. yawn

Then later this morning, it was off to the Fair with Younger Daughter and Anders. The wagon that my neighbor gave me was a lifesaver. It always sounds possible to carry kids or allow them to walk but believe me...IT IS NOT.

Anders loved his first Fair scone. More, more! Frankly, I make better ones although they don't look as neat. These cost $3 a piece (!); we old-timers can remember when they were 25 cents. Of course, our salaries were nowhere near where they are now either. People conveniently forget that fact.

The petting zoo was great for the kids, but I thought there were too many goats. I'm not a fan. There were also some chickens, a sheep and rabbit, plus numerous other animals to look at. Anders was obviously intrigued by this guy. 

It was crazy when this goat nibbled on Anders' Croc and then on my daughter's purse. They really do want to eat anything! 

It can be so relaxing to just sit in the grass while your older cousins play (Obro) or do a Farmville scavenger hunt (Sharky).

Gigi went through some old photos while we were at her house and found this one of my late husband with Older Daughter. She was shocked to see how much Sharky resembles her. It's poignant to revisit these memories and wish he were here to enjoy his grandsons. I know he would have adored them as much as I do.
 

 

The Best Laid Plans

Because Sharky and Obro (plus their mom) are coming over for a Mémé sleepover tomorrow, then to the Fair Monday, I had to be at peak efficiency today. I planned my walk to my mom's for lunch, which I would follow by mowing the front lawn. Finally, I would buy some needed groceries at the store. Unfortunately, I didn't expect a torrential downpour halfway through my walk, resulting in NO lawn mowing and a very wet trip to the store. I wouldn't say that I'm obsessive about my plans...but it can be difficult for me to let go of my expectations. Thus, today feels like a bit of a waste. What I will tell myself: I did vacuum, I helped my mother with her laundry, I spent time with Mari, I bought some fun foods for the grandsons. Instant oatmeal with dinosaur eggs that hatch? Heck, yes! 

On the other hand, my visit to the Fair with John yesterday went exactly to plan. The weather was pleasant, mixed cloudy and sunny and 68 degrees. John predicted that I would run into a zillion people I knew, but there were only four. We did everything we wanted: a scone from under the grandstand, the art and photography, gorgeous flowers and thousand-pound pumpkins, local Grange exhibits, the Showplex Sales Hall (which reminded me of a high-pressure Senegalese market!), a variety of animals and LOTS of people watching. There were...um...many interesting outfits! I didn't realize that our Puyallup Fair would have camels and camel rides. You would have to pay me to partake. After we finished our four hours (we were in a 4-hour limit parking spot), we decided on an early dinner at BJ's Brewhouse. Poor John! The minute we entered the bar, I spotted two tables of former colleagues from my high school; there ensued many hugs, hooting and hollering and gossiping chatting. I introduced John who was, as always, a very good sport. 

Every time I see the different colors and styles of dahlias, I want a bunch of them; one of my neighbors buys them to put out for free. Isn't that amazingly thoughtful? As I told her today, she brightens so many people's days. I don't think I've mentioned that she was my late husband's chemo buddy. She survived her cancer; he did not. I chose these three beauties to take to my mom. At the Fair, John and I remarked again that his favorites were the symmetrical and controlled pom pom style ones whereas mine were the chaotic and spiky multi-colored type. And our preferences really do match our personalities!

John is off again to work on clearing out his mother's house two hours away; his brother and his wife have been helping with that although John is convinced that they're taking "valuable" stuff to the dump that he could sell. rolls eyes He's a wonderful guy, but REALLY? In the meantime, I'll be enjoying the weekend and the Fair with Obro, Sharky and Anders, as well as their moms. Some of you might believe that I'm brave (stupid?) enough to take the boys places by myself. I am not. :)

Life Goes On

Even when the times are worrisome and painful, we move forward. What other choice do we have? I thank you all for your supportive and kind comments. The sensitivity of the topic made me hesitate to post, yet I also know from 20 years of blog experience that most commenters are tactful and try not to judge. I blame myself for not being able to "fix" this problem, not that it's actually possible. Like many parents I do GUILT very, very well. 

Of course I want this sweetheart to have the best life possible. He deserves that.

And these guys too! As well as spending time babysitting Anders for various activities (exercise, AA), I'm hanging out with these brothers while their mom is on a work trip in California. She's missing out on some wild weather, pouring rain for example. Hello, fall!

Minor catastrophe: I've been ordering my Monin's Dark Chocolate Sauce from the Evil Empire for many years, after trying approximately 1,000 types of chocolate and finding Monin's the most flavorful in my mochas. When my last shipment arrived, I didn't even look at it, but quickly stuck it in my cupboard. A few days ago, a few weeks after the 30 day return period had expired, I took it out to make my frou frou drink and they had sent me CARAMEL. Thankfully, my mom had given me some Starbucks hot cocoa mix which actually made a decent mocha. However, I'm eagerly awaiting my shipment of chocolate sauce Friday so I can get back to my usual Monin's Masterpiece. :)

Anything that makes me laugh is great at this point, even silly memes! I used to wear these about 40 years ago; with my long legs, they tended to slip down in an infuriating way, so I won't be following this trend. Not that I'm the least bit fashionable anyway! 

In a weird September 11 tradition, I usually get my flu shot on this date but decided to do the new Covid one instead. With my multitude of responsibilities and my 50-year reunion coming up in a few weeks (so much peopling!), I figured that I needed as much protection as possible. The pharmacist agreed with my choice since 1. It's not flu season yet 2. Covid is spiking. Then, not knowing how I would react to the shot, I stuck around home and made cookies. Thanks to Bruce who recommended these delights. I was planning to give most of them away; one of them broke though and the "rules" say that defective cookies can't be shared. I had to eat it, right? The mix of chewy brownie texture with the chocolate chips and the bit of salt from the pretzels made for a decadently rich dessert! 

Note: I do vividly remember the tragedy of 9-11 yet I find myself with less and less to say about it as the years pass. Life does go on after all.

From "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close" by Jonathan Safran Foer, a poignant story about a boy who loses his dad in the World Trade Center:

"So many people enter and leave your life! Hundreds of thousands of people! You have to keep the door open so they can come in. But it also means you have to let them go."

 

Tumult

Today was John's granddaughter's 6th birthday party, but it was also the morning when my Younger Daughter called me from the hospital with an anxiety attack. Her blood pressure had skyrocketed, she thought she was having a stroke/heart attack and had driven herself to the ER at 4 a.m. Because she wanted me to attend the party without worry, she lied to me about a lot of this. As many of you know she's been having a rough (understatement) time, much of it of her own making. She chose a terrible boyfriend then had a baby with him. She also has a laundry list of issues. At least, she's finally going to AA and has a very supportive sponsor, Cheryl. But will it last? I don't know. She's gone from a nearly straight A student, excellent gymnast, gifted musician, college graduate with a Math degree to a person I sometimes don't recognize. Between my mother, my Younger Daughter, spending time with my Older Daughter and her family and John, I don't feel like there's enough of me to go around. Thankfully, Mari makes few demands. 

John brought Mari a gift; at first, she hated it and hid from it, but then decided that it might be a relative. :) Incidentally, John is kind and supportive, yet I don't involve him much in this tumult. John cares about me in his limited way; however, his comfort level for drama and problems is extremely low. Because I understand his personality and want him in my life, I accept that and don't look to him for what he's unable to give. 

If anything can help her, it will be the love of this little sweetheart.

He's so precious, isn't he? And deserving of my best.

Busy!

I knew I shouldn't have opened my mouth too soon. "Oh," I've told several people, "We've had a great summer with no wildfire smoke so far." Then, driving home from Older Daughter's at sunset last night, I looked behind me and saw the blood red sun. Beautiful as that was, it's never a positive sign. Thankfully, the AQI today (65) is moderate, not dangerous, and the smoke is supposed to dissipate soon. Have I ever mentioned how much I love living so close to the Pacific Ocean? :)

My first stop this morning was at a friend's place overlooking the water (Redondo Beach) for an 80th birthday luncheon. Our Ram Ladies group started as World Language colleagues decades ago and ended up as sisters of the heart. We get together every month at the Ram Restaurant "Rams at the Ram" but planned this special celebration for our eldest member, Gail. What a delight it was to spend the time with these close friends! 

We had Salade niçoise with shrimp, French bread, potatoes and green beans, followed by lemon birthday cake. It was quite a feast! Since I was leaving early to attend Grandparents' Day at Sharky and Owen's daycare, an ice cream social, I didn't partake of dessert. Frankly, lemon isn't my favorite anyway. 

The birthday girl (in front) was a P.E. teacher when I was a high school student, then transitioned into Spanish. She's a traveler, a Habitat for Humanity builder, an athlete and an all-around wonderful and caring person. The woman in the floral dress was my 9th grade French teacher in junior high and got me started on my love of languages. Our "chef" in the stripes left her French teaching position on a maternity leave and I stepped in to substitute, then was hired for the job. The others taught on either side of me for many years and in the trenches of education, child rearing, divorces, losses, and joys, deep friendships were born. Unfortunately, we couldn't figure out a way to have everyone in the shot, so one person is missing. The hidden photographer isn't just a former colleague but is also sister to the friend who is peeking her head out from behind the Birthday Girl. 

After the birthday celebration, I drove directly to Sharky and Owen's daycare where I ate ice cream, tried not to lose my mind in the chaos (SO many kids!) and snuggled with the grandsons. I also crawled under the playground equipment to play a game, chased Sharky around, supervised Obro on the big toy and sweated in the 90-degree weather. 

My Mémé evening after the social included dinner at the Littles' house, running around outside, pursuing Sharky's toy front loader with my tractor until my knees gave out, watching Sharky walk their Slinky down the stairs, reading some books to Obro and teaching Sharky how to "string" a string cheese instead of biting it. After all this, I still needed to drop in at my mom's to pull in her garbage can and give her a little company and conversation. Whew, what a day! It was an excellent one, but very tiring. And Mari was delighted to see me when I finally got home. 

 

Simple Pleasures

There are too many stresses and worries in my world right now (mainly Younger Daughter related), but at least the weather is gorgeous. I'm not looking forward to the Heat Advisory for the next couple days (90s) but I doubt that we'll have many more of them. (fingers crossed) I'm still enjoying long walks, mowing the lawn and hanging out with Mari. She's such a comfort. Plus, John and I went to an early film yesterday, then after two tries, I finally got my filthy car washed. The first attempt was a disaster with a non-functioning machine and NO REFUND. But I digress. The movie was sweet yet poignant, beautifully filmed and Jean Reno starred in it; he's one of my favorite French actors. However, the script wasn't great and the actual fishermen they used as extras couldn't act. Like many non-American films, it wasn't action-oriented; it had no superheroes, car chases or explosions. I think John may have dozed off a few times! The penguins sure were adorable though; they were the best part. 

Since we still had time to burn before our dinner at Hops n Drops, we headed to the nearby Fred Meyer for a Welcome Mat. My current one is flimsy and disintegrating. Apparently, I'm not very welcoming because I preferred this wordless one. John wants me to color in the white spot on the tuxedo cat to look like Mari, but I'm not sure my Sharpie is up to the task! 

Speaking of cats, Poor Ziggy is always trying to escape to the outside, but NOT on a leash. This picture made me laugh. He is outraged! 

The Littles give a great perspective on appreciating simple pleasures. An ordinary slug is fascinating to them, even though Washington State has a zillion of the critters. They get a "yuck" from me.

One of my neighbors puts out free dahlias and invites us to take as many as we want. So, I grabbed a couple on my way home from my walk. They brighten up my family room, don't they? For the rest of the week, I hope for no drama, a couple more outings with friends and some calmness of spirit. That might be a lot to hope for. 

 

September

It's still in the high 80s and feels like summer, but the increasingly early fade of light gives a softness to everything. Summer is bright and harsh. Autumn is crisp and everchanging. Can you tell which season I prefer?

It's definitely not the cold (non-existent) that's causing this color change. Like us, do leaves get tired? I know my annuals are looking scraggly without many blooms. Although I resist putting live plants in the yard waste, I'm getting sorely tempted...

My Alaska Mountain Man calendar for September advises me to run my own race. I don't run anymore, and family obligations can weigh heavily on me at times. Being retired means that workwise I am free to "run" free. Relationships and responsibilities don't always allow that though. Sometimes I feel fortunate to be able to even limp forward.

Life, like this scenery on my walk, is a little bit of everything, isn't it? Evergreens, this newly bright red tree, blue sky and clouds. I try not to ignore any of it. 

All it took was whining on Facebook about retired teachers no longer getting free fair tickets and a former colleague jumped in with EIGHT. I left her these flowers as a thank you. Her kindness means that John and I will go on the 13th to do old people adult stuff like quilts, flowers, art, photography, and perhaps some animals or sales displays. Then on the 16th the daughters and grandsons and I will experience the kid version of the Fair: the animals, the petting zoo and whatever else catches their eyes. It will be a bit tricky to organize since we're dealing with a couple young ones who nap; no sane person wants to mess with a toddler's nap! 

I was delighted when Older Daughter invited me along on the Mount Rainier Scenic Railway Polar Express Train at the end of November. It's costly but sounds delightful. And...I'm very excited that I get to wear pajamas just like on our Pajama Day at school. My fleece ones even have polar bears on them! If he goes, John will have a bit more of an issue wearing his PJs. ;)

 

 

Changes

In spite of the currently sunny and hot weather (nearly 90 today), I'm seeing and feeling the transition into fall. I'm noticing these changing leaves, the crisp mornings, the school buses everywhere, the pumpkin spice stuff on the menus...I'm retired yet I still feel some apprehension about letting go of summer to move into an unknown season. For 37 years I faced the adjustments to a new school year and all the different schedules, faces and stresses of those changes. Somehow, I haven't quite shaken those feelings about September.

Anders' custody schedule has changed and now he's over at his dad's for several days and nights in a row. Younger Daughter isn't doing at all well with that change which is worrisome in the extreme. I've talked to her extensively (and wisely!) about the situation but she's not the best listener. Consequently, her life and mine have been tumultuous lately. I'm TOO old for this.

Our local fair started yesterday so I have to remember to stay away from downtown and the messy traffic. At least I can make my own scones from this mix, then add butter and my sister-in-law's loganberry jam. I also procured two free Fair tickets and invited John to go in a couple weeks; he's still working at his late mom's house two hours away and getting quite a bit done. (never enough though!) Note: I've never paid an entrance fee into the Fair and don't intend to; I also still call it the Puyallup Fair and not the Washington State Fair! :)

Next weekend is John's granddaughter's sixth birthday get together and I found this for her. I'm pretty sure that John's ex-wife and her unfriendly husband will also be at this party, so I'm gearing up for that. It won't be terrible, just somewhat awkward. Also on my agenda for next week will be a coffee date and an 80th birthday luncheon for a long-time colleague and friend. Our Ram Ladies group has collectively been through many ups and downs, so we can commiserate on the roller coaster of life! 

And of course, I'm hoping for time with the grandsons, all three of them. They are the sweetest. 

Personally

Personally, I was offended to find out that the friend for whom I tried to give a lovely going away party tried to leave when I was briefly gone with Younger Daughter. (long story and one I won't write about) John tactfully suggested that he should stay to say goodbye to me, but WHAT? I had envisioned the adults playing cards and games after my daughters took their Littles home, so it was a disappointment that his wife and he left so early. Sometimes these events are a wake up call about how important you are or aren't to someone. In that respect, it's better to know where we stand, even when it hurts.

Personally, I've concluded that I can only depend on John for so much; our relationship (like all of them?) has limits. He's an excellent part-time boyfriend who is helpful, fun and thoughtful. However, he's extremely uncomfortable in emotional situations. He would rather everyone and everything be positive and somewhat superficial. Problems exist for him as challenges to be solved and not anything to cry or fret over. I too would like all issues to be easy to resolve by logic and reason. I wish! 

Personally, I've dealt with a lot this past week and am having trouble sorting through it. Coffee dates with friends have helped to show me that I'm not alone in agonizing over others' choices that I have no control over but that affect me mentally and emotionally. When we love others, we open ourselves up to joy AND pain. 

Unfortunately, I have no photos or videos to prove that Anders is beginning to walk; several times he did 4-5 steps in a row! He also waved twice at his mother. He signs for more, especially for his favorite alfredo rotini noodles. I wish he verbalized more though; I'm still concerned about his development in some respects. However, he's such a sweetheart and I love him dearly. That's the important thing, right?

All three grandsons enjoy being read to and that's a great excuse to snuggle.

Here I would have included a couple more photos--of Obro and me with post its all over our faces (his request) and another of the back of Obro's head with his darling curls. However, like too much of my life right now, photos and emailing and HEIC and downloading are misbehaving, so I.GIVE.UP.

Latergram: You didn't really think I would give up, did you? After screen shotting, then manually sending the photos from my icloud inbox to my comcast email, I finally received the pictures. If you know me at all, you understand that I'm not the smartest, but I am one of the most dogged people you'll ever meet. That can be positive...or negative!

Decorated Obro. :)

And Mémé showing the only worthwhile use of Post Its. They bring back Very Bad Memories of many Professional Development days where we had to prioritize concerns/issues/activities/whatever. In small groups. Double torture! 

Doesn't Obro have gorgeous curls?

Test photo: Me on a sunny, breezy 75 degree walk. Pure heaven!