Stargazer

Aloha means hello and goodbye

It was a busy, but fantastic weekend, full of friends and celebrations. I generally don't enjoy weddings (although I loved Ashley's), but Saturday's event was like a Rogers High School reunion. Saying goodbye to these people when I retired two years ago was agonizing, yet that makes it even more exhilarating to say hello, doesn't it? You can easily see the joy on our faces!

This is just a small cross section of former colleagues and lifelong friends. It was marvelous to chat and laugh with everyone. 

These people are very special...

I think Scotch ale must be rather strong. ;)

John knows how to tilt his head to avoid Glass Glare. He looked so handsome!

My dear friend D. brought a date, and glowed with happiness. Her guy (also D.) was easy to talk to, nice and funny. You never really know what twists and turns life might take! Although we sometimes focus on the inevitable negative surprises, there are also these wonderful ones. If I had told Diane six months ago that she would be dating a wonderful man, she would have laughed in my face. Then she would have called me crazy! :) 

Yesterday I met up with my college friend W. for dinner at Dukes on the Tacoma waterfront; we ended up savoring Mac and Jacks, a delicious amber ale, and enjoyed some appetizers, as well as a long conversation about relationships, family, dating, parenting, and life in general. She comes from her home in Maine every six months to visit her elderly mom and her siblings, so I get to see her periodically to catch up. A dishonest (ex) husband, a messy divorce, and two adult children living with her could have made her bitter or unhappy, but she continues to treasure what she has. She seems content with her steady job, her beloved dog, and her closeness to her family. When I got home from our outing, I packed for Maui, which wasn't very difficult. 5 days in a tropical climate requires few outfits! I did try on my swimsuits, and decided that I didn't look TOO revolting in them. I'll never see 30 (or even 50) again, but that's a reality we all have to face, right? Today has included getting myself a little worked up about my flight(my friend checked in since it's her itinerary), especially when I realized that I'm stuck in a middle seat, and that I will need to call about putting my mileage plan on the flights. I did ask about that when she booked...Deep breaths. AND my cable box light is blinking, which is annoying! I have no time to deal with it now, so I'm trying to ignore it. I'm keeping in mind that I'm headed for mid 80s weather, sun, beaches and palm trees. I'm staying at a resort right on one of the most beautiful beaches of West Maui. I have many excellent books to read, and adventures to experience, hopefully good or at least interesting ones. Bon Voyage to me, Aloha, and see you all on the flip side!  xoxo

November 8

Today is an important date because four years ago John's wife Christine died of Stage 4 breast cancer. He doesn't discuss it much, but I've gleaned that it was, like many cancer journeys, a hellacious, excruciating and heartbreaking experience. It's tricky to know how to approach him, especially because Henry would usually fall apart/sink into depression every time there was a momentous occasion or anniversary. John is much more well-adjusted, so I decided to send him a short text this morning that I was thinking about him, and sending hugs. Being John he responded right away with a thank you! November 11th is also his wedding anniversary, thus this is a tough month for him. He seems to handle it very well, but one never knows...

I realized this morning that I'm leaving for Maui on a 6:30 a.m. flight on November 12, and haven't planned or packed anything. By the weather forecast, I shouldn't need too many clothes, right? I'll pack my two ancient black tanks, although I dread wearing swimsuits. I'm 63 years old, and no longer feel confident or attractive showing off that much of my body. I've also been flying first or business class lately, so premium class will be a definite comedown. However, it's only a 5 1/2 hour flight which will seem like a piece of cake after Edinburgh. :)

This time of year I always put flowers and flags up at the cemetery for Veterans' Day, even though Patt would have rolled his eyes about it. He would have said that I'm doing it for me, and not really for him. (true) I try to decorate early so that I beat Patt's family to the vase on his niche; in spite of often treating him/us like excrement during his illness, and dying, then ignoring us afterward, they seem compelled to put flowers on his grave. I've made peace with it, mostly. 

I had extra flowers, so I put them on my younger brother's grave since his birthday is tomorrow. His name was Donald John, just like our President. Ugh.

While there, I couldn't ignore my other younger brother whose grave is next to Don's. Both of them have been gone a long time, but I still treasure my thoughts of them. We were the threesome until much younger brother Eric came along, when I was nearly 15 years old. Losing Don and Doug also meant letting go of our shared childhood. There is no one left to reminisce with about those past holidays and experiences. 

The Antiques Roadshow was on a few days ago, and I heard them discussing pocket watches. That reminded me of this one that my paternal grandmother gave me. It belonged to my great grandfather Henry Horace Flanagan's younger spinster sister Louise Flanagan. She was born in 1877 (died in 1953), and was a schoolteacher in Chicago. My grandmother Ethel Louise Flanagan Grieve wanted me to have the watch because my middle name is also Louise! 

I couldn't find a single watch that looked like it on-line, which was strange. It's from 1892-1893 and is a well-known brand. I have no intention of selling it but I'm curious about the holly, and the gems; was it a special Christmas edition perhaps? I'll probably never know!

The outside is beautiful too; it's called a hunters' case because of the cover. Amazingly, when wound, the second hand still works. I should see if it will keep time. I would doubt it though since it's 127 years old!

Yesterday I helped out with my brother's children while he was at work, and they left today for Omaha. It's a LONG drive, but he wants to get back there to spend some time with his sister-in-law and nieces. I'm relieved that Wendy, who just lost her 44 year old husband, has the support of her church, a hefty Go Fund me, and life insurance of $200,000. But none of that will assuage the grief and loneliness without JT, and the sadness of the holidays. Their world will be forever changed, as I well know. But as I told John, the beauty and pain of life is that it does continue to move forward; our loved ones remain part of us and live on in our cherished memories. I sound like a cheesy Hallmark movie, but it really is true...Today I went for a run and walk in my special Madagascar shirt (from Ryan and Ashley), visited with my parents, raked leaves, and now am settling down to read/play word games. It's just after 5:20 p.m. and pitch black. Have I already mentioned how much I hate Fall Back? 

 

November

Today, after the despised "Fall Back" it got dark a little after 5, and I had to give myself a pep talk. The dark afternoons are difficult. The holidays can be stressful. BUT I have so much to be thankful for. Without sounding like a bad Hallmark movie, I can nearly always find things and people to be grateful for. 

I'm quirky, and I love Star Trek, especially TNG. So, on Halloween, I wore my shirt, and had new batteries in my functional Tribble. Unfortunately, all the kids found the Tribble terrifying, so I eventually put it in the kitchen. :) The trick or treaters were polite, and mostly dressed up cutely, but no matter what, they got a "Happy Halloween!" and candy. Although I ran out of Twix, I have lots of left over Sour Patch Kids. Last year I bought too many Kit Kats, which are my nemesis, thus this year I'm stuck with candy I hate. Oops!

November wouldn't be the same without my Mountain Men of Alaska calendar, complete with a quote with which I agree wholeheartedly. Sometimes I haven't felt like it, or I've disliked the "music," yet I've always tried to dance through the storms. We all have those tumultuous times, and we all need to try to cope in healthy ways. I'm still learning...

Walking is one of my therapies, and John was game for a trip to the West Hylebos Park, which is close to where he lives. I don't know why he likes to take photos of me from the back though. Ugh!

I thought this arbor of trees was spectacular!

This guy is lovely! Saturday we attended an author event at the Puyallup Library, and there were delicious treats, beer and conversation with some of John's friends. I like stretching myself by doing these different activities although I still feel somewhat awkward around John's couples friends. Are they comparing me (unfavorably) to his late wife? Am I too "fill in the blank with adjective like talkative/opinionated/quiet/reserved"? I am really a mix of many personalities, in case you didn't realize it. I can be outgoing and gregarious, or shy and self-effacing. It all depends on how comfortable I feel. 

This is John's spaghetti sauce before it cooked down. Yummy! Our dinner was delicious, especially the salad he made. I'm very spoiled, aren't I? :)

The light on Mt. Rainier was glorious today; at least I'll see many more sunsets because of "Fall Back." See how positive I can be? Yesterday my sister-in-law's brother-in-law died suddenly at 44 of a heart attack, leaving a wife and two young daughters. A wife who doesn't work and doesn't necessarily have any skills to do so. A new house that they could barely afford on his salary. A life far away from the rest of their family here in Washington. It has thrown my family into an uproar, since my SIL just flew back to Omaha, and my brother and their kids will be driving 1,700 miles to get back there on Friday. In the meantime, my brother has to go to work this week (busy time of year in his job), thus we'll be helping out as much as we can with the kids until they leave for Nebraska. It's very tragic and unexpected, and I can't help thinking about how awful it will be for this family during the holidays. I understand. 

I'm not particularly religious, but I hope that their faith helps them because I can't think of a single positive thing to say about JT's death at 44. Nothing. Right now I'm working hard at being there when needed, and doing whatever I can for my/their family...but it's no where near enough. 

From my bank parking lot, here is a blurry photo of Mt. Rainier. No matter what, that mountain brings me solace and peace. I know that it's one of the most dangerous volcanoes in the world, yet it's also one of the most beautiful. Like life, right?

 

Hibernation

So...a whole bunch of excellent books loaded onto my Kindle at the same time, and I'm also expecting a shipment of Book Club books. I recently finished "A Better Man" by Louise Penny(decent, but not her best), and started "The Book of Dust Volume 2" by Philip Pullman(LONG, but difficult to put down). The weather is gorgeous, yet extremely chilly, thus it's tempting to stay inside by the fire and read, read, read. :) I suppose I could do that, being retired, but you all know me better than that, right? 

These will be my last pictures of the neighborhood trees; due to normal fall happenings and some wind, they are now in their barren winter phase. :(

I find the dappled light of autumn amazing! Obviously I've been out walking in this lovely sunshine! 

My thick hair gets easily out of control, and after this disheveled photo, I headed off for a trim. However, it is now TOO SHORT. Perhaps I'll need to hibernate inside my house until it grows out a little. At least it'll be a perfect length for my trip to Maui. (November 12-17) 

This week is Halloween, and I may wear my Star Trek shirt to hand out candy! I'm not a fan of my parents' neighbors' hanging humanoid "decorations" though. One of my younger brothers hung himself, thus I have a tough time with this. Don died in October, and his birthday is coming up on November 9th, so I always think about him a lot this time of year. This weekend is also FALL BACK which I absolutely hate. Please, can we just get rid of this insanity? I've had a couple coffee dates with a friend, and a former student, commiserated with Ashley about her recalcitrant kidney stone(still no sign of it), texted with and worried about Alison for various reasons, fretted over Ashley's health, then buried my nose back into the Philip Pullman book. Reading is such a solace. And quotes also bring me wisdom and peace:

"Balance, when we do find it, is a breathtakingly temporary condition. We stand upon a world that spins at 2000 miles an hour. Our minds, meanwhile, spin at 200,000 miles an hour. We collide every day with other humans who are also sliding and spinning wildly. The landscape of our lives, therefore, changes by the minute. You find your balance one day and think, "Hooray! I have solved it" and then five minutes later the world utterly transforms again, and you're knocked on your ass one more time.
That's just how life is on this planet — messy, fast, out of control, unpredictable. It's all terribly interesting, but also terribly unstable.
That being the case, I dropped the myth of BALANCE a long time ago. (I buried it right next to PERFECT.) My life seems happiest — as I tried to explain to this young woman the other night — when I just surrender to the madness, and embrace the glorious mess that I am...and also when I embrace the glorious mess that everyone else is, and the glorious mess of the world itself. My life gets the most painful when I try to set the entire mess (myself other people, life itself) into order.
The world is like a dropped pie most of the time. Don't kill yourself trying to put it back together. Just grab a fork and eat some of it off the floor. Then carry on."

I shall carry on, and I wish the same for you, dear Blog Friends! xoxo

A minor rant...

We're finally getting those sunny, bright blue skies of autumn, which are perfect for running, walking, lawn mowing, and admiring the beauty of the diffused light shining through the flame colored trees. John is steadfast in his communication, although with Book Club today, and his volunteering to help his daughter with a garage sale this weekend, I don't know how much we'll connect face to face. Sometimes life just gets in the way...

Do people still call these bachelor buttons? I saw them on my walk, and they reminded me of childhood.

I love walking in this kind of weather, where the colors are so vivid! It's much better than slogging along with an umbrella! In the good news category, older daughter won(?) her case against a couple of students who cheated on their final exam last spring. It was touch and go, since the university where she teaches is known for hand holding their elite prep school snowflakes. It's been quite frustrating for her, this child who believes in consequences, but the ethics panel did side with her, finding them responsible. (which means guilty) My son-in-law, when he was a TA at an unnamed east coast university, lost a similar case when the panel ruled that he hadn't specifically stated on his syllabus that cheating was wrong. WTF? Huh? This led me to share several of my own stories about my district, illuminating part of why I left education. Cell phones everywhere, and the lack of respect in their excessive usage in class. The inability to give 0s when no work is turned in or test taken. No penalties for late work allowed. A new assessment provided for students who cheat since they didn't necessarily understand it was wrong. Whhaattt?? Plagiarism? Another chance to write the paper since they probably weren't aware of the rule, in spite of constant reminders EVERY YEAR of exactly what it was. NO CONSEQUENCES. And don't get me started on the abolition of textbooks and notetaking in favor of technology, and more screen time for students that already get too much of it. The reputable studies that show that actual books and writing out notes are way better for retention and learning? My district ignores them. So, I retired, mostly because it was time, but also due to the aforementioned crazy making policies. I still miss my school, most of the students and my colleagues, although I could never go back, given my rant above. Some will say that I just can't adapt to change, and that could be part of the issue; however, I've had to deal with a lot of change during my career, and most of what's happening now feels very wrong. It's OK to realize that I don't fit into this latest version of education though. I'll continue to walk relax, run, procrastinate, travel, read, waste time, and get up at 8 a.m. I'll spend my days on my own schedule, and making my own routines.  Retirement certainly does have many perks! :)

Hard

The weather has tanked, but I'm working hard at being happy. I'm doing many enjoyable things, and have a wonderful guy in my life, although I feel (at times) that it's temporary, and that I'm just the latest in a string of girlfriends. John has had quite a few of them, and seems to move on easily when it doesn't work out. Although he implies that we have a future together and talks about many plans, he also never discusses his feelings for me, although I know that he likes me. He's affectionate without being romantic, if that makes sense. He obviously enjoys our activities, but his attitude toward dating is very casual, which can bring out the neurotic in me. I *think* we're in a relationship, yet there have been occasions when I'm not quite sure that it means the same thing to both of us. When I've gently brought up the subject, he's said that a long-term relationship was what he was looking for, without making it clear that he now considers himself in one. I'm expressing myself poorly here, probably because I'm having kind of a downer evening. We all have those, don't we?

Walking usually helps smooth out the rough edges, especially when the neighborhood trees are so colorful.

This is my cul de sac, complete with yard waste and garbage bins! I love the different shades of leaves.

Behind my fence is this beauty, although when it starts dropping leaves all over my grass I won't be as happy. Raking is excellent exercise though. :)

Friday night we went to a local restaurant with a couple of John's friends, and although my dinner was meh, they had left over sauerkraut that they let me finish. (I'm a huge fan!) It was awkward to hang out with this couple at first; they were his late wife's close friends, and it felt uncomfortable to go out with them as John's newish girlfriend. Everyone in his life has been extremely welcoming to me, but it's still sort of stressful. Yesterday, John looked on Pinterest for a recipe with sauerkraut and found this pork/apple/sauerkraut dish; it was delicious! He combined it with roasted vegetables that he knows I like. He's so very thoughtful. 

His friends gave us a bunch of apples, so I surprised him with this Old Fashioned apple crisp. The recipe called for lots of brown sugar and oats in the topping which sold me! However, I had to head to the store to replace my oats...which expired in 2007. Apparently, I don't use oats very frequently. ;) The apple crisp turned out perfectly!

Who am I? Sbux has an issue spelling my name, although it must come through when I scan my phone app to pay, right? I think they're just trolling me. As for my relationship, I don't really know who I am in that either. I'm feeling unsettled, and unable to completely trust John or myself. Perhaps I need to back off and be more casual, less serious. Maybe I care about him too much, but I don't want to because it's too risky, and I'm not sure that it's reciprocated. I've been down that road before, and it was no fun at all.

 

S.A.D.

After I finally decided that autumn was my favorite season (I like them all for different reasons), I'm backing off on that. Instead of our normal beautiful September and occasionally sunny October, it's been mostly a gray, rainy and currently breezy mess. I need to make the best of it, but how?

Before the leaves all drop, I'm enjoying photographing my neighborhood on my walks. These trees aren't as spectacular as last year, but they're still beautiful.

Since there isn't much sunshine lately, I've also focused on the bright yellow leaves along my route. 

Tuesday, John and I went out for Happy Hour at Montezuma's, then for a walk at Chambers Bay Park.  Thankfully, we only got sprinkled on a little bit, and it's true that the most impressive skies are always the ones with clouds. Sigh.

See?

This is probably my favorite picture; I somehow managed to capture the sky, cloud, road, and even some reflections. Chambers Bay Golf Course is links style, and in my opinion, hideous. (not full of trees and green grass like most of our golf courses) However, the views from there are stunning, even on a cloudy, drizzly day. 

We walked out on a bridge, where lovers had put on lots of locks. Philosophically speaking, I'm not a believer in these locks, which seem artificial and showy. Plus, I find the whole LOCKED UP idea somewhat creepy. What do you think?

These are the vestiges of Pioneer Sand and Gravel, with part of the golf course in the background. Do you see why I think it's ugly? Plus, it takes a ton of money to golf here since a recent U.S. Open was played at Chambers Bay. I'm not a golfer, so I don't really care; Patt was outraged about the situation though because public funds were used to construct the course, then no "normal" people could actually afford to use it. 

We always seem to take the same selfie! :)

John wanted this shot, so I cooperated. I think it turned out well! After our walk, we headed to Half Price Books where we browsed around, and I bought a few things. Although I shop too much on the Evil Amazon Empire, I do want to support independent bookstores! Yesterday was another great day with John; we saw a mediocre movie, but it was followed by a delicious pot roast dinner at his house. He's an inventive, and excellent cook! 

I found this meditation(Epitaph by Merrit Malloy) poignant and beautiful. John's late wife's death anniversary is coming up in early November, then their wedding anniversary. My big dates are in December. Sometimes I'm exhausted just thinking about getting through the holidays another year. I hear the rain outside, and it's dark and dreary. But I do have lots of love in my life, and many wonderful people, so I am grateful. Most of the time. 

 

The truth...or not

Although I'm relatively open and honest on this blog, I do have a few secrets, so bear with me as I bare a couple. Do you like how I did that? ;)

• My girls: They both have stresses and issues going on, and their distance from me (a 5-6 hour flight) makes me a bit nervous every time they text me. What would Patt have said? He would have told me that none of it is under my control, and to try to let it go. THEN I would have responded with an emotional outburst, and he would have retreated to the garage to "work on a project." No relationship is perfect (ours certainly wasn't) but he knew to give me space, and a logical perspective to cogitate on. Eventually, I would come around, although sometimes it took several tries on his part, and too many weep sessions on mine. I'm tougher now, because I have to be, but OH, it's so hard. 
• John: After worrying myself into a state, I'm realizing (again) that he's NOT Henry. We've spent most of the weekend together, doing fun things. When an e-mail came up on my phone for Match, I mentioned to him that I was still getting notifications, and was he? Yes, he is, but neither one of us is looking; the site just never gives up urging us to come back and date new people. I'll admit to some curiosity to see if Henry is active on there, and if so, what he says in his profile, but otherwise, I have 0 interest in being with anyone other than John. He seems to be the real deal!
• 
• Friday night we went for a beautiful walk, and then had dinner at a downtown pub, the site of our first date in August of 2018. :)
• 
• Unbelievably, we saw some "hairy coos" during our perambulation. 
• 
• After buying some orangish nail polish, I decided that something less permanent, like this sticker, would adequately fix the misplaced apostrophe that my sister-in-law added to my sign. And my black cat Mari approves!
• 
• John has been wanting to fix my gas fireplace, which had a black cord stretching off to the outlet on the left. I had gotten used to that unsightly cord, but he was eager to move it to the right side, thus making it less obvious. To do that, he brought numerous tools, spent quite a bit of time lying in front of the fireplace, spliced the cord to make it longer, and then plugged it into the outlet hidden by the blue recliner. Part of me feels that I contribute nearly nothing to this relationship, but he must enjoy doing this sort of stuff, right? If he ever needs any in-depth literary analysis of English or French literature, I can definitely help him out! :) In fact, we watched(actually re-watched) the film "Arrival" last night, and he didn't understand it, thus I explained it all to him, through my tears. That movie does it to me every time!
• 
• Secrets can be poisonous, but they also can mean that we're all private beings with our own inner worlds. Sometimes it's difficult to know the difference. 

 

Falling into Fall

We've apparently jumped from summer directly into winter, although we're getting some beautiful days. Still, 20s and 30s at night in early October are a bit unusual for us...

This gorgeous coleus couldn't handle those temperatures. 

Ah, well. Next year I'll find an equally pretty, but different plant to grow. It was an investment of a couple of dollars and some water. :)

Other sights of fall are spectacular, like Mount Rainier, floating in the clouds.

My walks illustrate that "In the midst of life, we are in death." I see the juxtaposition of these pretty leaves and blue sky with the return to bare branches and chilly mornings. The death of summer. The end of my annuals. Yet it's also the beginning of the resting season, which is how I look at autumn. It's a chance to spend more time indoors, with the fire on, a purring cat on my lap, a cup of coffee in one hand and a good book in the other. 

Although my coleus died instantly in the 27 degrees of last night, these leaves become even more colorful in the cold weather. I'll enjoy them as long as I can!

I sometimes forget what I share or hide. The other day I mentioned to my parents that Ashley was almost finished(hopefully!) dealing with a painful kidney stone; when they asked, "WHAT KIDNEY STONE?" I then realized too late that I hadn't wanted to worry them, so I kept it secret. Oh, crap. I've probably mentioned that I haven't heard much from John this week, which concerned me, but didn't devastate me. Have I told you that although I very much like the guy, I'm still protecting myself and not giving 100%, as he deserves? Henry didn't destroy my confidence (if John doesn't work out, I would go out and date again, if I felt like it), but he did mess up my trust in men, and in myself. I don't know if I can accurately gauge a relationship or its future. Can anyone? That said, we're hanging out tomorrow and then this weekend, going out for Happy Hour and watching movies. It is a good and solid relationship.  And I always keep these wise words in mind: "If you don't heal what hurt you, you will bleed on people who didn't cut you." Although I'm no longer bleeding, the scars are definitely still there. 

About John

The past few days have been all about John, so I thought it was time to post a bit more about him. Please ignore my insecurities since they're much more about me than about him...

Friday night he invited me over for dinner, and made me this chicken corn chowder(not homemade, but delicious) and this amazing avocado/tomato/lettuce/beet/nuts salad, with balsamic. He pays attention to what I like, and makes sure I get it. I hope I do the same for him!

Yesterday we headed into Tacoma to visit a tap room that was closing; now I wish I'd gone there more often. (a couple times with Henry before this) The amber ale was incredible, but there was NO PARKING. Because John and I had to drive separately(long story), I needed to find my own parking spot in a crowded and crazy area; I finally did so about a mile away, and was in a grumpy frazzled mood after walking down to where he was. However, I did get this view en route, and the minute he threw his arm around me, I was fine. He's such an even tempered guy, and I obviously need that!

He got a flight, which meant that I got to try some sips of beers I wouldn't normally drink. :)

 

Since tap rooms don't have food, we ended up at the Matador to share an appetizer quesadilla, while each having a cup of tortilla soup. A perfect amount!

This morning John suggested visiting Black Diamond for brunch, and then looking around. It's an historic coal mining small town with a well-known bakery, and I've never been, so why not? :) Our trip took us through the beautiful Green Valley: full of farms, animals and gorgeous homes. 

Here's the view of Rainier from the restaurant. It was hard to get a decent shot; I swear it was spectacular!

I "drove" a train. ;)

John climbed up here in the caboose to look out. 

We looked at the memorial for the Washington State coal miners. I recognized several names from my parents' hometown, also a coal mining area. 

We went into an interesting museum, and this antique store, where we recognized many items, and reminisced about them. This is a great look for me, right? Now for the harder part. John is still getting notifications from Match, as I realized when I picked up his phone, which was on my phone charger. Is he active on there, and trying to meet another woman? I would very much doubt it. But...he's never indicated how he feels about me, other than he enjoys spending time together, and (I think?) wants to be exclusive. The truth is that I also hear from Match because I deactivated it, but didn't delete it. So, perhaps it's the same with him? How do I bring this up, or do I? Should I just take the relationship for what it is(very good!), and not ask him about this? Today on the way home, we were listening to a supposed blues station, and he asked me if I thought that Bob Dylan was blues. I reached for my phone, then responded that checking information on the internet had made a lesser person of me. What I meant was that I used to ponder everything for a longer time, puzzled over questions, and discussed my thoughts with others. I worked my brain, and resisted the immediate gratification of internet answers. Yet, am I making everything too hard? Am I tending to overthink myself, and my relationship with John? In this case, there's nothing to google, and no easy internet solutions. There's just me, enjoying my time with John, while not feeling quite sure or confident of any future with him. Sigh.