Stargazer

Trifecta of Terror

I know, that's an awfully dramatic (melodramatic?) title. So, let me back up and talk about the forecast versus the reality. Yesterday Alexa informed me several times that the temperature would be above freezing with rain and snow. She lied. My phone app showed me 36 degrees and precipitation of a mixed nature. It was delusional. Because when I got into my lucky Seahawks gear and went out on the roads, they were full on horrible, even with AWD and winter tires. I soon realized that I needed to turn around and head home. Later, I heard many, many horror stories that validated my decision to stay put. The roads everywhere were slush on top of snow on top of ice. (A trifecta of terror) There were snowplows in the ditch. Many were stranded on hills. It took hours to go a normal 15-minute stretch. Accidents galore. And of course, there were entreaties from the fire department and the police to "STAY OFF THE ROADS." Unfortunately, too many people are over-confident of their abilities and have what I call "SnowEgo." I'm from Blah-Blah (other state) and have 4-wheel drive and am experienced in the snow. They're usually the ones sliding sideways down an icy hill. 

John is pretty sure this picture is of the route I would have taken to his house. It's a scary road even under the best of circumstances. Although I made the right call, I still needed to have a therapeutic ten-minute cry after returning home. Mari isn't a dog, yet my sorrow still upsets her; she loves me, meowing frantically and bumping her head against me, as if to say, in cat-speak, "I am here." 

I often understand her "language." Here she's demanding, "Since you're back, turn on the fire, it's cold and nasty outside." 

I'd promised my sick Little Guy to send him photos of my blue pajamas. "I want to see your pajamas!" My late husband disliked these intensely due to their childish adorable pattern. Little did he (or I) know that one day we would have a Grandson who would love them. 

Are they snowmen or are they bears? Or are they Bear Snowmen? 

Younger Daughter, the adventurer, went hiking at Mt. Si whereas Mari and I sat by the cozy fire watching football most of the afternoon. 

Here's my face when my team made a come from behind touchdown in the last seconds of the game. A win! (27-23) At least my day ended on a happier note in spite of a sick grandson and Daughter and being alone when I wanted company. If this weather keeps up though, perhaps I should purchase a snowmobile? ;)

Deep Breaths

STOP! It's not even officially winter yet, but the snow is back. We're sitting at freezing temperatures too. Let me remind you that I'm absolutely petrified paranoid about ice. Commenters have rightfully suggested to me that I make dates and plan activities to combat my December blues; unfortunately, every single "date" I've arranged has had to be cancelled. That seems like more of a disappointment than just sitting in my house with the cat, drinking coffee and watching episodes of "Long Lost Family." Then there's the fact that Little Guy (and his parents) are coughing and feverish again; they were supposed to introduce Littlest Guy to my mom this morning and now that's not happening. One of my bathroom spigots (is that the word?) is getting nearly impossible to turn, I still have no Xmas tree, I forgot to order milk at the grocery store...and it's that "death by 1,000 cuts scenario." One small thing or several won't kill you, but too many will bring you down. 

Yesterday I got to spend some time with my grandsons and their parents which hopefully doesn't mean that I'll pick up another coughing virus. I just recovered from my last one! Littlest Guy wears what look to be doll sized diapers and has the most beautiful face. He's waking up from his preemie slumber and using those lungs! I'm delighted to say that, although small (only in the 17% percentile), he's sleeping, eating and pooping VERY well. 

I loved yesterday's sunshine and the time with my little guys! Watching the snow pour down this morning is disheartening though. I have (had?) plans to watch the football game with John but he lives a huge, twisty hill away from me. 

August 14, 1953-December 4, 2012

It's difficult to believe that it's been ten years. It feels like another lifetime ago. I can still remember how adrift and bereft I felt on December 4, 2012; I'm proud that I've come such a long way in my grief journey and kept on growing and moving forward. I am essentially alone, although mostly not lonely. Sometimes depressed, but always hopeful that there is still much happiness and good ahead of me. 

A Dirge Without Music 
Edna St. Vincent Millay 

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely.  Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains,—but the best is lost.

The answers quick and keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,—
They are gone.  They are gone to feed the roses.  Elegant and curled
Is the blossom.  Fragrant is the blossom.  I know.  But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know.  But I do not approve.  And I am not resigned.

Fridaying

Believe it or not, this isn't going to be another whiny weather post. ;) But there is still some snow involved. 

Can you see why it's dangerous to walk under these branches? Luckily, the last time I got hit with slush, it was only on the arm of my coat and not on my head or down my neck. 

Today it was a three-layer walk, wearing all different shades of blue, my favorite color. 

As for Mari, she waits every day (hopefully) for the milk frother to overflow. Lately, I've taken pity on her and given her a couple spoonfuls of frothed milk in the sink. It's her morning treat! However, I've created a monster because now she wants to lick it off the top of my mocha if I'm not watching her carefully. 

Sadly, my mom's increasing shortness of breath has been discouraging and worrisome this past week; it was better for quite a long time, but now it's become difficult for her again. She wanted me to drag out these old blankets so that we could get rid of them. My Nana (her mom) made this for me 66 years ago. Since Older Daughter has boys, I didn't think she would be interested in having it, but she is. That seemed to make my mom happy. 

Younger Daughter is doing 30 days of one mile running a day. I would prefer she not be out at night although I won't say anything. I would rather have her exercising than doing other not-so-healthy things. 

I howled when Older Daughter sent me this photo, asking what I thought of her husband's new elliptical. Well...I guess they're going to need to cut a hole in the ceiling of this basement room. They intend to eventually remodel it anyway. Perhaps with a higher ceiling? :)

 

Beauties

I have to be clear that no, I don't believe that dad bods are the new six pack. Lest you think I'm judging, I have a mom bod which I'm not entirely proud of. I certainly wouldn't show it off on a calendar! But Fiona the dog is gorgeous at least. December has definitely crept up on me, filled with dates I struggle with like the anniversary of my husband's death, our anniversary, Christmas with its gift giving and getting together quandaries, and the fundamental darkness of the month. Both literally, and at times figuratively. However, I'll continue to work at finding the good and the beauty in each day. 

The kind of snow event I prefer is exactly like this recent one: the "Snowmaggedon" is transitory, then the dangerous white stuff melts quickly off the roads. :) The bonus is that the trees are still decorated with snow, magical unless you're walking underneath an evergreen when it disgorges a large clump of very cold slush. Note to self: Be careful where you walk!

Since school districts in the area were all closed, Little Guy couldn't go to daycare, so he worked hard at snow removal in his yard. Have I mentioned how much I adore this sometimes sweet, sometimes sassy grandson?

We've been so concerned lately about Littler Guy and his eating which has seemed lackadaisical; today Older Daughter found out that he's apparently a power eater. Quick and efficient, like his Mémé. I blame my fast eating on 37 years of teaching and extremely short lunch breaks. :) Happily, our Littler Guy is now up to 7 lbs 12 oz! (from around 6lbs6 when he left the hospital two weeks ago) Such a huge relief! Isn't he handsome and kissable? I know I'm biased but that doesn't mean I'm wrong... 

Photo credit: Kris Robinson

The clouds of winter do give us some of our most incredible sunrises (and sunsets). Since I live in the shadow of Mount Rainier, this photo seems especially appropriate. She may be dangerous, but she's still a beauty. 

The Real Deal

Because I made a mockery of our pathetic "Snowmaggedon," the Real Stuff came this evening. When it all started, I was at Older Daughter's, hanging out with her in-laws on their last night in Washington and sharing a delicious Chile Relleno casserole with the whole family. OD is such a wonderful cook, even with a 2-week-old newborn! I was also enjoying my snuggles with Littler Guy and was spending lots of time playing with his older brother; they are both SO precious. The precipitation at their place definitely looked like snow/rain with wet roads. No problem, right?

Then I went to leave and somehow, for the first time in 50 years of driving, managed to lock my keys, purse and cell phone in the car...with it running! I felt like an absolute cretin moron idiot. With the help of OD and SIL, I contacted AAA, stressed to the employee that the car was running so I couldn't wait until tomorrow (they're very busy due to the weather); within 8 minutes my new best friend Enrique was there to assist. Do you know how little time it takes to get into a locked car? I was alternately appalled and relieved. So, I could finally get onto the road home.

By the time I arrived at my winter wonderland house, white-knuckled, I had realized a few things: 1. I live at a higher elevation than OD and husband. 2. Snow covers the roads and grass very quickly at 32 degrees versus 36 degrees. 3. AWD and winter rated tires are worth every penny! 

If it keeps coming tonight, we'll end up with 5 or 6 inches, in my humble opinion. The convergence zone has converged on my area!

The many trees around my neighborhood are gorgeous! However, the roads are the opposite. 

Although I'm still undecided on a tree, I've put out a few holiday decorations. I'm not a complete Scrooge. ;)

I have many Xmas towels although I hope any visitors know they're not actually supposed to use them. They're just for looks!

Mari is unappreciative of this depiction of her that a friend made for me. "Hey, I'm a friendly cat! I can't help it that I have resting b*tch face." 

I do love her, even though I hate it when she gets cozy with my clean clothes. Tomorrow will be an interesting day. How many inches of snow will we accumulate? Since the nighttime temperature will drop to 25, how icy will the roads be in the morning? Will OD's in-laws be able to fly out tomorrow? Once again, I'm delighted to be retired and to be able to stay home in my recliner with my fire, my black cat and my mocha. Home sweet home!

 

Snowmaggedon, Western Washington Style

The forecasters have been trumpeting the possibility of a Snow Event this week, and here's our first "dump." ;) Being retired and sitting in my recliner with a hot mocha and a roaring fire, the gently drifting flakes this morning were beautiful and calming. I spared a few thoughts for my teacher friends, dealing with hyped up teenagers who regress to elementary school at any sign of a snowflake. I also worried a bit about my brother, possibly driving in ice to get to his job an hour away. Then I took another sip of my dessert mocha and worked on my geography puzzles.

Once I saw that the road was clear for walking, I was especially delighted. Thursday is when the actual Snowmaggedon is supposed to arrive; it's also the day that Older Daughter's in-laws fly out. When I expressed concern to her mother-in-law, she responded, "Oh, we're from Iowa and we're used to it!" My comeback: Well, right now you're in Western Washington and we're NOT. The inexperienced idiots will be on the road with you. Be careful! I didn't mention that SeaTac Airport also doesn't have the same amount of de-icing and runway ploughing resources as the Midwest. They don't generally need them...

Just to clear up a few misconceptions: Washingtonians do carry umbrellas. We do use them in the actual rain. However, most of us own a multitude of hooded jackets, coats and sweatshirts. We tend to put up the hood if it's simply spitting or drizzling. I can't speak for everyone, but it's how I roll.

I bought myself this gift: a mug with photos and the name of my new grandson, as well as his birthdate. He is such a handsome little guy and resembles his older brother strongly. I can't wait to discover the unique person that he is! And get lots of snuggles too of course. Next on our weather agenda is a windstorm. I can hear it outside, blowing my wind chimes around. Welcome (?) to Winter. 

Cyber Monday

Friday felt like Monday because of Thanksgiving and due to that confusion, I've had to remind myself all day that it's MONDAY. How did I participate in Cyber Monday?

For 25% off, I purchased this pack of socks from the Bombas website. Yes, I really am that exciting! :) I already wear and love this brand; however, I've realized that 1. hardwood is slippery and 2. tile is COLD. So, I'm trying this more expensive version of them. If you're me (particular about socks), you have to be careful to avoid ankle or calf styles and to only look at the Quarter length. Ankle socks slip into my shoes and drive me insane and Calf ones go nearly up to the knee. To add to the thrill of my Monday, I had my annual mammogram which always makes me nervous. My husband died of cancer, plus I've known so many people who have had breast cancer. John's wife died of it. So, imagine my surprise and fear when not even 40 minutes after my appointment, I received an email about results. Clear and no change! When I wrote "thrill" above, I was completely serious and not sarcastic. Staying healthy during these stressful times is my #1 priority. 

This is what Little Guy thinks about getting his photo taken lately. (me too) In fact, I'm feeling that way about life in general! Random complaint: What is with the new iPhone 16.1.1 version? It puts unneeded commas EVERYWHERE in voice to text messages. Yet another thing to drive me nuts about technology. Don't get me started on my unreliable laptop battery...

Expectations

Expectations are the thief of joy. But we all have them and mine have let me down a lot recently. Holidays, people, plans--you name it. As I sit alone today, worried about Younger Daughter's silence and missing the steady presence of John (his d*mn back issues), I tell myself that when I've tried to control or help too much, it hasn't worked out...or not the way I've expected anyway. Sometimes it's best to leave space and let go of others, even when you love them. I can't always be there and it's not healthy for me to think that it will necessarily make a difference anyway. 

I'm trying to find color anywhere I can! Although it's chilly, I'm still walking. Mixed rain/snow and cold temperatures may keep me inside this upcoming week, so I want to get as much exercise as possible. I doubt there will be a Snowmaggedon, but one never knows around here. All the blathering about the convergence zone, blah blah blah. 

I thought this tree by my mom's house was beautiful.

The leaves are falling quickly now; I've been mowing/mulching them several times a week. It's a futile activity since there are still more on the trees. :)

I wish I could fully show you this photo of my two "turkeys." As befits a headstrong and defiant toddler, Little Guy refused to wear his hat while Littler Guy had no choice at all. Little Guy hasn't been easy to deal with lately; is it his age, his new brother, the new school, or simply the combination of all the changes in his life recently? I can relate. 

His Nana, Pop Pop and Daddy took him to a Children's Museum where he appeared to have a good time; he (pretend) called Mémé from the phone in this strange enclosure. :) It was nice that he was thinking about me. I'm currently feeling very alone and enjoying a Pity Party for One. 

 

Post and Pre-Holiday

 

It's a mad rush between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and I'm not feeling like I want to be part of it. I've put out some festive placements and other easy decorations but am holding off on the major stuff like a tree or the girls' snow globes. Part of that is probably due to this infernal cold, combined with the cold outside and the rain (possibly snow) headed our way next week. My cough is better (fingers crossed) which may be because I've given up on my No Drugs policy and have plied myself with numerous remedies at night. A few nearly sleepless nights are all I can take! As I've mentioned before, I haven't had such a relentless cough for decades and had forgotten how it saps the energy and spirit. Older Daughter is busy with her in-laws and Younger Daughter is currently incommunicado, a bad sign for sure. It usually heralds some sort of melt down that I'm neither mentally or emotionally prepared for at the moment. 

Because my iPhone camera is so good, I had to back up to blur the names on my collage posters of the grandsons. This was one of my few accomplishments for the past few days! Thank you to those of you who have shared stories of your own non-traditional Thanksgivings, those of you who understand and empathize with familial angst and stresses, and those who are honest about your own worrisome adult children. Many of you are correct that I've longed for a "normal" Thanksgiving, especially after having my daughters far away and COVID restrictions; this year was supposed to be the one, so it's been a disappointment on a number of complicated levels. But then, to be honest, I find holidays in general to be a letdown, not awful but certainly not as joyous as they're "supposed" to be. 

The snow has disappeared from the lowland forecast although it's hitting the mountains hard and will (I predict) close at least one mountain pass as travelers will be trying to get west after the Thanksgiving holiday or after the big Apple Cup game between the University of Washington and Washington State. (Go, Huskies!) Speaking of football, I haven't seen John for nearly two weeks and am not sure if we're getting together for the Seahawks game tomorrow. He's messed up his back somehow, and being himself, hasn't babied it enough. Several days ago, he raked leaves, then on Thanksgiving he roughhoused with his granddaughters, neither of which was optimum for healing a back issue. As I told him openly. He's going to need to stop being John for a while, the guy who can do anything and everything. And if he even mentions going up on the roof to put Christmas lights on his house, I'm REALLY going to have a few pithy words to say. ;)

The Thai Thanksgiving

First YD and I were going over to OD's for Thanksgiving, then that turned out to be too much. (and YD had just returned from Italy) Then we invited ourselves to my brother's table, but the night before the holiday, his wife got sick. Finally, we decided on a non-traditional pizza dinner at my place. However, as it turned out, my mom and YD were both in the mood for a Thai Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, our go-to restaurants were closed, so we had to try out a new one. It was OK, definitely not as tasty as Ayothaya or Chili Thai. Besides that, it wasn't steaming hot turkey with stuffing and gravy. Although I do celebrate that the three of us were together and had food to eat, I did miss the traditional meal. Yes, I know that I could buy all the fixings and have those foods anytime, but meh. It wouldn't be the same. Am I depressed about it? Frankly, a little. 

Thanksgiving is now in the rear-view mirror although this yummy pie isn't. I'll be having lots of leftovers. Apple pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner? This morning I've been contemplating how much I want to decorate for the next holiday. Right now, I'm thinking as little as possible since I doubt that I'll have any guests over. OD won't want to haul a little baby and toddler anywhere and I don't blame her! 

The Iowa in-laws did arrive eventually from Portland where they'd been diverted due to fog. What a crazy Thanksgiving! They're now doing lots of baby holding and toddler entertaining. :) OD's mother-in-law is a lovely lady who is devoted to her grandchildren and wishes she lived closer to them. I feel very fortunate that I now do! 

Today the weather has turned, but yesterday was a gorgeous day for a walk--very quiet and solitary, but with many tantalizing smells from various houses along the way. I felt like I had the whole world to myself.