Stargazer

Beer goggles

Although I love the expression "beer goggles," I've never worn them in my life. That's partly because I don't drink enough beer, and also due to my generally optimistic, yet brutally realistic views of people and events. However, I've been guilty of wearing "rose colored glasses," and it seems like every time I do, I get burned or blindsided. When Patt and I became empty nesters, we talked a lot about future plans; the one I remember the most vividly was that we were going to get kayaks. And hike more! That turned into dealing with lung cancer, which ended with his death. In two years my world turned completely upside down, and I'm forever changed because of it. Then there are the posts from last spring (that I sometimes re-read); I was so hopeful and delighted about the deepening of the Henry relationship. All of this makes a bit hesitant about getting too invested with John. He doesn't seem like the type who would suddenly dump me for no reason though, does he? I tend to take off the rose colored glasses/beer googles when it seems like things are going TOO WELL. The past keeps me looking over my shoulder, which I absolutely hate about myself. That said, things seem to be going better right now with younger daughter. We shall see. Ashley leaves for two months in Senegal on Tuesday, and that adds a low level but constant layer of stress. I always take my cell phone up to bed when she's there, not that New York or Los Angeles would be any safer. I just don't like her over 6,000 miles away. :(

Here is Ashley's Airbnb in Dakar. Quick, hand me some beer goggles!! As she said, hopefully it looks different now than it did in 2015 when this google photo was taken. 

Yesterday this beautiful box showed up on my porch, a surprise from a Facebook friend who took action when I wrote that I'd fallen in love with Kanzi apples in Texas, but couldn't find them in my area of Washington State. So, she emailed the growers (who are in Wenatchee, Washington!) and they sent me this...

Aren't they lovely? By the way, the Kanzi originated in Belgium and is a natural cross of a Gala and a Braeburn. They are crisp, and tart, just like I prefer an apple. Are most Washingtonians apple nerds? Well, we are Number 1 in the U.S. for apple production, thus we grow up with lots of them ;)

On social media, I mentioned that these irises I took to the cemetery(Patt's favorite color) were "wilted and bedraggled" like me. I think people mistakenly interpreted that to mean that I was emotionally distraught, and they were very supportive. Even my younger daughter texted me, "Mama, are you OK?" Actually, I'm fine. It's been a cool and rainy day, and I got very wet on my run, on my walk, and while putting these flowers on Patt's niche. However, I'm thinking more and more that I need to plan some bigger trips to my dream destinations: Scotland, Ireland, New Zealand, Australia, and Eastern Europe. Whenever I'm at the cemetery to honor my 59 year old husband, I remember how short and unpredictable life can be, and how fast everything can change. No rose colored glasses here, eh?

 

 

When Breath becomes air

Although I love this title, I won't ever read the book of the same name, which is about a young doctor diagnosed with lung cancer. I lived this story, and no matter how excellent the writing, I can't bear to revisit those days. Speaking of books, I'm hosting Book Club again tomorrow, due to the illness of the scheduled hostess, thus I bought my traditional cupcakes:

Can you guess which ones I crave, and those I bought for others? If you guessed Turtle and Butterfinger for me, you're absolutely right. I won't touch the birthday cake one, although a BC friend loves that one(vanilla cake and vanilla frosting are too blah!)I don't generally enjoy fruity cupcakes, but the Orangesicle one is quite intriguing. :)  I will say that I personally breathe easier when my girls are doing well. I'm happy that Ashley seems to be settled in New York, although she's leaving for a two month research stint in Senegal soon. I don't worry too much about her safety there(especially having been to downtown Poughkeepsie), except for the terrifying transportation in West Africa. And I get concerned about her health on the anti-malarial medication she has to take. Sigh. Alison is another work in progress, struggling to find her way in her job and her relationships. It's so tough to watch, without being able to step in and control the situation. However, I was never a helicopter parent, thus I've already been through that pain and helplessness on a small scale. Adulthood is bigger though, isn't it? Problems are more serious. Decisions have long lasting consequences. So, I'm trying to relax by thinking about my delicious cupcakes, and my friends coming for Book Club, as well as choosing new and exciting things to read, buying tickets for Alison, G., John and me to attend a June Tacoma Rainiers baseball game, and going to Iowa in August for their State Fair to meet up with Ryan and Ashley. I need to deal with the joys and stresses of day to day life, while looking forward to the long term. As always, I have to remember to take deep breaths.  Wish me luck, OK?

The Best and Worst of Times

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..." Charles Dickens lived so long ago, and yet he perfectly describes how I've been feeling lately about the state of the country(mostly despairing to be honest), about my relationships(light and dark) and about myself, since I'm a definite mix of wisdom and foolishness. What I need to remember is that my active parenting is finished, with daughters who are 32 and 29. I can only watch from the sidelines, for the most part. I'm unable to make their decisions or control their destinies, which is probably a good thing? Anyway, the best parts are that my girls love me, and respect me. They've certainly been at my back to support me when I've needed them. I can do no less for them, right?

John and I visited a new Tacoma hotspot yesterday. We lucked out by being able to park in the front. I am paranoid about parking, so that was excellent!

It was a cloudy day, but there were still views of the water.

The chandeliers, old photographs of Tacoma, artwork and general ambiance amazed me!

The Spanish ballroom was gorgeous! We ate in the Spanish bar because I love tapas and any other small plates. I enjoy a variety of dishes, thus they have to be shareable. :)

This is one of the other five restaurants in the place; I'm hoping to go back to try it out!

Thanks to John, we found the hidden "speakeasy" on the third floor. It was dark in there, thus the photo is blurry. Don't we look happy though? We were delighted, not just with the place, but with each other.

We explored the hotel...

And I took a terrible selfie. (the background was beautiful, but didn't show up)

Then I spotted this alligator bench, and John remarked, "You really want a picture on that, don't you?" The light in there wasn't optimal for photos, but I still like it!

Today, my dear friend D. gave me these apples that she bought for me at Trader Joe's. (my favorite apple from Texas!) I also saw many of my delightful colleagues/friends at my former high school, which was extremely special. I do miss that place and the people! However, as they all say and I'm beginning to believe, retirement suits me. :)

I put up my tomato cages, and am hoping that these plants thrive, unlike last year when they got blight. This is a different area, and at least one of the varieties is impervious to disease. There's nothing better than a home grown tomato, right? 

On my walk today, I found a 12 lead EKG lying in the road, a bizarre sight. It reminded me of almost two years ago when I had to wear one at the hospital; I was retiring and my anxiety was out of control, thus I was hauled out of school in an ambulance due to a possible cardiac event. Because of my heart murmur, there was a huge kerfuffle and many tests at the ER. It turned out OK though! Right now is the best and worst of times. I'm enjoying my life, and trying to find the good. I'm dating a wonderful man, for whom I'm extremely thankful. I will continue to worry about my kids, my parents, the future of this nation, and other things. But I will remember to be grateful for this day, and the joys I have in my life. There are many.









 

 

Some truths

Although I do talk to my many friends, and write out a lot (too much?) on this blog, I mostly worry about my daughters in silence, alone. When their lives go off the rails, I can't drive the imaginary train. They have to figure out how to get it back on the tracks, if they can. I have no way to control what they do, so I offer love, advice(mostly when asked for) and support. Sometimes it's tough love. But I'm often scared to death that I'm not doing/saying enough, or the opposite, not giving enough space and inundating them with caring pressure. So, onward we go into the unknown, which will, as always, include beautiful and ugly moments. It's easy to say all this, yet much harder to live it, you know?

Mothers' Day is kind of a silly "holiday," thus I prefer to think of it as an excuse to get together with my family. That's always wonderful...unless we stray into politics, where my brother and his wife are Trumpsters, and the rest of us feel(but don't say), "WTF are you thinking??" Alison's boyfriend G. assumed we were all of like mind and brought up some topics that made things a bit tense for a while. I was already stressed, so that didn't help.

I hope I can look this good at nearly 87, if I can make it that far! My dad is 90, and people are incredulous. In fact, when he was at the hardware store a disbelieving person insisted on seeing his driver's license. :)

Where I live is no longer a small town, yet I'm still running into former students everywhere, even at Chili Thai in Puyallup! Ryan was an excellent student and tennis player(not basketball in spite of his height), graduated from WSU with a degree in biology, then went on to become a chiropractor. He had a messy divorce, and is now dating someone named Jewels who matches her name. She wasn't with him, nor were his kids, but I know a lot from my Facebook stalking. ;) It's very clear that we all have problems, things that go wrong in our lives or those of our loved ones. I'm not alone, am I?

At my local convenience store, I ran into these lovely doggies, who happened to belong to a couple of friends. So, I got lots of Golden loves and kisses! They are Tilly(to the left) and Scout. Aren't they sweet?

My beloved former principal received a huge honor today, and it made me miss him (and school) a lot! I would never un-retire, and there's much I've found to appreciate about retirement, but I'll never forget what I wrote to Henry when I sent him this picture from my retirement party, "I'll bet your boss at Boeing didn't give you such a send off when you retired." I don't miss too much about the job itself, but I do miss the relationships. For me that's what work, family, friendships, and even blogging are about: the relationships. I wish I were better at handling all of it, but as I keep repeating: I'm a work in progress. Sometimes even my best intentions aren't enough.

Manifesto

So...I have a friend. I know that sounds fake, but she really does exist! ;) Anyway, a person she didn't want to read her blog found it, and she doesn't know what to do at this point. It made me reflect on how I would react. I've come pretty close to accidentally putting in my URL when I comment on some blogs, ones where I don't want them to track me back. (like Henry's niece) That would have been a disaster! However, I do identify myself on most sites, thus a reader there could easily find me. And in this small world, that person could know me or someone I know. My only safeguards are that I choose not to be "googleable," my blog title is very meaningful to me but not related to my name, and my URL would be impossible to guess just with my name. I have to decide if I'm afraid of being this High Profile Person. It's not only Blogland, people. I am out in my community walking, running, waving at people, exchanging greetings, shopping, chatting, etc. In fact, today I was at the store, and was joking with the cashier about eating a high calorie dessert, when the stranger in line next to me remarked, "You don't need to worry about what you eat. I always see you running EVERYWHERE when I'm driving to work." He exaggerates because I do have my specific route, which must also be his way to work! On that route, there are many homeowners I "know" on a superficial level; I often converse with Stacy who walks her two dogs. Kurt is also a friendly guy with dogs, whose wife is the assistant superintendent of a local district. (he's a teacher) I interact with Meridee, whose son plays professional baseball in Mexico,  Micki who is also widowed, a strange but nicely awkward man with a German Shepherd who is really only comfortable discussing the weather, and many more. On this blog though, I do write about some fairly personal stuff. So, I wish I had a little more control over who reads it!

First, to lull everyone into complete boredom, I present my unfamiliar tomato plants which I hope grow well. If not, it was worth a try, right? I have Whopper(big ones), Sun Sweet(orange cherry tomatoes) and Stupice (medium sized tomatoes that supposedly grow well in our northern climate)

Now I'm going to dump on you that last night was one of the worst nights of my life, but I can't explain why. Suffice it to say, that neither of my girls went through the Terrible Twos, but they both experienced (or are dealing with) the Terrible Twenties. What I can share is that I should have trusted my gut. I will also reiterate what my mom always tells me, "You're not finished parenting until you're up at the cemetery." There will be tough times, but I'm hoping that we'll get through them. And I miss Patt so much right now. He always made me feel like we could handle anything. Then lung cancer came along, and even that illusion was shattered.

I should have made a silly face too! Stress relief, eh?

Point Ruston has a gorgeous view of Mount Rainier and the Olympic mountains. There were lovely water views and warm sunshine. Unfortunately, this beautiful place is still tied up in memories of Henry since we spent a lot of time here. Sometimes, it's so hard to be a caring human being. It can be terribly painful to be a parent. Dealing with people can bring disappointment and worry. Whoever is reading, whoever you are, and for whatever reasons you come here, thank you for your support and kind thoughts, whether you comment or not. xoxo

 

"We will grieve not, rather find Strength in what remains behind."

As we go into May with a stretch of incredible 70-80 degree sunny weather, I'm remembering Patt and his enjoyment of spring, and of his love of planting flowers and vegetables. I miss him a lot this time of year. I'm also thinking about Henry, who brought me lilacs to welcome me home from Santa Fe a mere year ago. I'll never understand what happened, but I do know that I gave it my best. That brings me peace. I'm pondering this: " ...though I lack the art to decipher it, no doubt the next chapter in my book of transformations is already written. I am not done with my changes"-Stanley Kunitz Yesterday was a day that will also live in my memories, and solidified my relationship with John because we had such fun, and I felt cared for, and part of a couple. We had such lovely adventures in Seattle, starting with the train from Angle Lake, then arriving at Westlake Center(a shopping area),  taking a trip on the Monorail to Seattle Center, visiting the fascinating Museum of Pop Art, walking around Seattle Center itself, heading down to Pike Place Market, having a beer at the Pike Place Brewery, sightseeing on the waterfront, etc. And it included fresh air, blue sky, sun, and so many gorgeous views of water and mountains! Today was more mundane with yard work, buying tons of plants, putting them in the ground, and exhausting myself in the process. It's ALL GOOD though, isn't it? I feel strongly that this is what I should be doing with my life right now. Enjoying each day for what it is.

I don't recall the last time I rode the Monorail, so John wanted to sit in the front. The dad and child also wanted a great view, and the driver let the little boy sound the horn when we took off. It was very cute! In spite of my face, I was a bit nervous. It's up there high, and I don't care for heights. 

I feel about the Space Needle the same way I feel about the Eiffel Tower. Meh. There are definitely better representations of these beloved cities.

This was a replica of Prince's motorcycle and I was wearing a sort of skirt, thus I "rode" sidesaddle. 

The viaduct being torn down is behind us, as well as blue sky, Mount Rainier, the stadiums...it was great!

Ye Olde Curiosity Shoppe on the waterfront used to be way bigger, and in a different place, but we toured it anyway. There were a couple mummies, lots of curiosities, and these awesome glasses. :)

I'm superstitious, but not enough that I didn't want a photo in this "coffin." John and I enjoyed MOPOP a lot, and found much to discuss!

We sat by the International Fountain for a while, and talked about what we'd seen and done. John is like me in that he processes information with meaningful conversation. He's not like me because I tend to ramble at times. 

Just to let you know, Mount Rainier is way more impressive where I live. Yet Seattle has the water, the Olympic Mountains(amazing but difficult to photograph), ferries leaving and arriving, and the energy of a big city. Now that we've discovered the train, I anticipate many more trips there: the Aquarium, Underground Seattle, the Seattle Art Museum, etc. I'm excited to spend those times with John!

Isn't he sweet?

I'm nerdy, and wanted a picture with my tickets. I prefer to think of it as joie de vivre!

I posted this picture on Facebook and Instagram because Mothers' Day is approaching, and I've always loved this photo of 2 year old me with my pregnant mom helping me down the stairs. I'm not the kind of mother that she is, but I try to be a decent one. I'm very thankful that she's been holding my hand, both literally and figuratively, for 62 years. Many of my friends haven't been as fortunate. 

Here are my annuals and tomatoes; the store was crowded, and everything was picked over, thus I didn't get what I wanted or expected. However, I'll make it work. I think that's my new mantra: things often don't turn out the way I prefer, but I'll make the best of them anyway. :)

Compartments

One of the most useful and sanity saving gifts I have is that I'm (mostly) able to compartmentalize; it's taken me a lot of time and effort to figure out how to put worries, grief and negative emotions away. Generally, I have decent coping skills like exercise, reading, absorbing mysteries on DVD or Netflix, hanging out with friends, etc. However, sometimes, like last night, I choose to open up the box and let the demons feelings out. Although I know the tears and self-doubt that will come, I occasionally need to wallow. So, what brought this on? As always, it was a combination of events like a meet up with a former colleague and a chat about the drama in the department and in the school. Some of the issues include: Enormous class sizes, some teachers/programs floundering, two 30 somethings getting married and both being Bridezillas, a couple of my favorite former administrators caught in a love triangle(affair), etc. I talked about Henry, and what happened, which I still can't explain or completely forget. (no closure) I discussed my younger daughter whose trip to Texas with her new boyfriend will probably cost her her job. I told her about John who is wonderful, and perfect for me, so why the Henry angst?  Afterward, I came home, and felt lonely and emotional. Thus, the weepfest. Poor Mari never knows what to do under those circumstances; she's probably thinking, "I'm not a dog! I have no clue how to be comforting. Please just stop!!" Tomorrow I'm reluctantly attending my homeschooled nephew's "graduation" from 6th grade at a church, which will be tough for me. He's receiving a dagger and also a purity contract from his "Gatekeepers," my brother and his wife. *eye roll* Although I'll need to keep my lips zipped firmly, it will be difficult to listen to all of this without expressing my opinion of this process. A dagger? A purity contract? GATEKEEPERS?

G's dad had quadruple bypass surgery, hence the trip to Texas. I don't think she should have gone with him since she doesn't have very much leave. She's 29 though, and didn't ask for my permission. Sigh.

John and I went to our local fair for an RV show, and I couldn't believe how many different styles there were. Some were incredibly opulent, others retro, and a few teeny. I learned about the different classes, how they hook up and work, the difference between a wet and dry toilet, and other various bits of information. John knows a lot! He already has a camper (which I saw an example of), and it looks relatively comfortable, except for the wet toilet. I'm not a fan, but will make do since he wants to take me on a trip in it. ;) For some reason the Rainier Antique Tractor Club was there...

Oh, this could be the reason!

Although it was fascinating to go into the many RVs, what I really enjoyed was touring the manufactured homes. (which we used to call mobile homes) I was extremely impressed, as was John. The outside of them could use more customizing, but the interiors were quite luxurious. I could definitely live in one!

Today I knew I needed to close up those compartments, and the best way to do that was to run, walk, plant my three Martha Washington geraniums, check out my new hose for where I intend to plant my tomatoes(got my pants and shoes wet in the process!)and spend time in the beautiful PacNW sunshine.

I went on an errand to the library, just so I could get a look at Mount Rainier.

And although they're fading quickly, these purple tulips are thriving. Soon I'll have my annuals and tomatoes, and will be nurturing them and watching them grow. Small pleasures are therapeutic. I still wish I better understood people, religion, politics, and myself. Ah, well.

 

On This Day

Social media features that allow me to look back at prior years bring me both joy and pain. They remind me of the inevitability of change. Sometimes the memories catch me by the throat, or feel like they're ripping out my heart. At other times, they soothe me because I've tried to find beauty and happiness, even in the worst periods of my life.

On this day a year ago I left for Santa Fe with my friend Becky. Henry was an enormous presence in my life, and the relationship felt permanent. In fact, when I returned a week later, he showed up with these flowers, and a very affectionate welcome home. But that is the past.  During this same time, my older daughter was struggling to finish her dissertation, and still in Los Angeles. She was engaged, but not yet married or teaching in New York.The younger one was living with her boyfriend of six years, and I was hoping that the relationship would last. It didn't, and she's now with a new guy whom I like, but don't know very well. Like Alison did with her former and current boyfriends, I suddenly went from Henry to John. When I think about what happened "on this day," I often feel discombobulated and untethered. Our reality can morph so very fast, and in unexpected ways. Yet I am also very happy with John, so there's that, right? On this day, my neighbor's mom's killer was arrested, a 16 year old boy who apparently killed the other 16 year old involved in the robbery/homicide. Nothing will bring Soon Ja back to her family, and the situation is tragic from every angle I can think of. On this day, I decided to fly first class to Des Moines, Iowa to experience the Iowa State Fair in August. It's ironic because I live in a state fair town, hate rides, and don't even attend my local 10th largest national fair. (the Iowa one is #7) Do I simply want to hang out with Ashley, Ryan, and his folks? Or do I just want to see the full size cow made from butter? :) 

The Weekend Edition

I thought I would love the peony style tulips when I ordered them from Holland several years ago, but they actually aren't my favorite. However, since the visiting Tuxedo cat used this planter as a litter box, I have very few of them left, including the beautiful yellow and orange mixed one.:( So, I'm appreciating the rare survivors!

I will always treasure the Rembrandts, although even they are showing signs of attrition. I never knew that I would turn into a plant lover! I left the flowers and vegetables to my late husband, and didn't think I was into gardening. But there's something very satisfying and nurturing about planting things, and helping them flourish...

I had to go to the local Home Depot to get a replacement cartridge line for my weed whacker, and decided to take a look at the flowers. I should have known better, since I came away with three Martha Washington geraniums that were NOT on my list. I couldn't resist this burgundy color!

I bowled with my younger daughter, and our guys, if you can call my performance "bowling." I did manage a strike or two, and a spare, but mostly specialized in lousy shots, hence my last place finish in all three games. At least, I'm consistent! My athletic girl was second (by one pin) in the first game, then first in the next two games. Breakfast at the bowling alley afterward was delicious; I love omelets, hash browns and coffee, which are such comfort food. TMI, my butt muscles are killing me in spite of all the running and walking I do. Bowling must put an enormous stress on that part of the body! :)

Here is an old family picture of my mom (in the bow) with her mother and late sister. The antique frame with the curved glass is spectacular.

This modern day photo of me with my late brothers isn't as fancy, yet it brings back such nostalgia. The older I get, the more I reflect on loss. I see it everywhere, like in this senseless tragedy. My neighbor's mother, a kind and lovely 79 year old was gunned down, shot in the back, in her convenience store, a familiar place and one that is five minutes away from my house. Today I saw the family, and managed to find some words to say. I feel so inadequate though. There isn't anything I can say or do, is there? :( This weekend was full of other news; Ashley is leaving for two months of research in Senegal at the end of May, which I'm TRYING to see as a positive. After she returns, Ryan and she will leave for a belated honeymoon...in Madagascar. I'm wondering how many couples spend their honeymoon there! Then in mid-August they're going to Iowa to visit Ryan's parents, and I may meet them in Des Moines. I suggested to Ryan's dad that I would be interested in experiencing the Iowa State Fair, so now I need to commit to the trip (or not) Do I have any desire to spend time in Des Moines, Iowa? Not really.  I would prefer Ireland, Scotland, Australia, New Zealand, Eastern Europe... Yet I do want to enjoy time with my family, and explore a new, and very different environment. Sometimes we just have to make the best of things, and find the good. (but I'm not eating fried butter, as I will tell Ryan's dad!)

Here I am!

After traveling all day yesterday, I made it home. There were the smooth parts(the connections all worked!) and the hard parts, like the actual physical exhaustion of hauling a suitcase, a backpack and a purse around New York City. The trips on the train, the Airporter that I eventually found, and the planes were decent, just LONG. I discovered that I could travel by myself to the largest city in the U.S, so now I will continue to do so! However, I'm hoping for company next time, either John or Alison. Or both? :)

Our last dinner together in Poughkeepsie was lovely. These two showed me a great time, and I'm very grateful. So many people don't have close relationships with their kids, and I'm delighted that both of mine want to spend time with me. I'm really pretty boring...

I know I should crop the waiter out of this picture, but I'm too lazy. Or exhausted? A three hour time difference might not sound like much; if you consider that I traveled from 9 a.m. (the train in Poughkeepsie) to 3 a.m. the next day(when I got to John's), you can understand why I might be tired. I'm also 62! Speaking of John, he picked me up at the airport about 11:30 p.m. Seattle time(2:30 NY time), and had brought me a water, a hug and kiss, and told me how much he had missed me. I chattered for a while, but then essentially passed out. This morning I woke up to coffee, orange juice and banana bread. What did I do to deserve this guy? :)

I came home to an unmowed lawn which can be a sore subject when I'm tired and grouchy. I wanted it to look nice for Book Club today, but had too many other things going on to get to it. My neighbor is a nice guy, but in two years of living here, he's mowed our shared front lawn about twice. However, he has 4 very young kids, and I have adult daughters, thus I won't let myself worry about it. I have the time, and my Book Club friends love me, in spite of my ragged lawn.

The gifts are that my Rembrandt tulips are blooming beautifully...

and that these flowers that Patt brought home from his mother's house when she died eight years ago are still thriving. Considering my capabilities with plants, that's truly a miracle!