Stargazer

Therapy during troubled times

Like many of us, I'm undoubtedly suffering from low grade depression. However, I generally try to remain cautiously optimistic and hopeful, with some perfectly normal whining venting about unpleasant circumstances thrown in for good measure. I am human after all!

My sweet kitty is a lap sitter in the morning, and if she can't get there because of impediments(like my laptop), she'll lie on the arm of the recliner. She isn't much of a conversationalist, but she is comforting. However, don't tell her that she has a vet appointment on August 19th, and that she'll have to go in there without me, since it's curbside service only. I will give her some treats in advance to make up for it. 

I'm very thankful that I love to read, and have a variety of books to choose from. You can see that I'm in the middle of three at the moment. A former librarian recommended the top one which is supposed to be like Sherlock Holmes. (not even close, but I'll try to finish it) As for #2, I've read all the Department Q mysteries, but this one is a slog and a disappointment.  The third book in my list is pretty interesting so far. Not showing, I have "Song of Achilles" which I've been saving since I enjoyed Madeline Miller's later book "Circe" so much. I'm not much of a TV watcher, thus I need to make sure I have plenty of good, or at least decent reading!

If I ever get to return to France, I'll definitely visit Alsace, especially the quaint village of Riquewihr. Most of it is from the 16th century! Armchair travel is about the best I can do right now, since Americans are pariahs around most of the globe, due to our rampant Covid19 infections. And equally rampant stupidity, which I won't address right now...

Today I got this lovely card, and a nice note from my late husband's sister, from whom I've been estranged for nearly eight years. I was quite shocked. It's a long story and it has to do with family dynamics, the stress of a dying loved one(my husband) and a whole lot of awful and unsupportive behavior by some of my husband's family. It was excruciatingly painful at the time, less so now, but I'm still content not to have any relationship with them. How my daughters handle the situation with their blood relatives is up to them, and I'm not part of that, since they are both well into adulthood. I did appreciate my ex-sister-in-law's thoughtfulness very much though. It is a relief to no longer be bitter. 

Past and present

Today has mostly been a colossal quarantine bore. I could accomplish so much more than I'm doing, but seem to be caught in a web of inertia. 

I did giggle about this calendar though. I'm hoping that I won't have to look like Counselor Troi in November...

Facebook memories reminded me of my travels again with this photo of our visit to an Anchorage dive bar, on Harley Davidson night yet! Luckily, we got there late, so most of the bikers had left. ;)

Five years ago today in Phuket I was petting this teenage tiger (he's small compared to the adults!); I was admiring his grace and power, while still terrified of those enormous claws and teeth. Don't let my smile fool you.  

This afternoon I read accolades from friends about this athlete from one of our local high schools (Puyallup High School). He played baseball and football, and graduated in 2019, so he was a mere 19 years old. He died of Covid 19 today, and his name was Eli Sevener.  

 

 

Troubling

That seems to be the word of the day. Or does being in semi-quarantine make me grouchier than normal?

• First of all, my blog post photos have now disappeared from July 26th on. I have a nasty gram in to typepad support, as of a couple hours ago, but nothing is fixed yet. If I have to re-insert those pictures, I am bound to lose my mind. (what little of it there is left) Since I pay for this blogging platform, I get extremely pissed off disgruntled when it is FUBAR. 
• Next, I forced myself to make two phone calls, which are painful for me. I hate the phone, and leaving messages can be agonizing. I fear that I sound like a bumbling idiot. Neither place has yet returned my call, the mammogram office or the painter I called about pressure washing and staining my deck and cedar on the house. This is partly why nothing gets done. I've lost the persistence and ambition that I used to have. Surely I was more efficient than this in the past?
• Also troubling is that my rental house is in a state of disrepair, with the tenant procrastinating on his cleaning up, mowing and moving out. The place looks derelict, which can encourage vandalism and squatters. My late husband would be furious, but now with Covid19 and its no eviction rule, there isn't much that an owner (or the property managers) can do. I have no idea what's happening next, which is hugely worrying. 
• Troubles in New York include a baby who has decided only to sleep in four hour stretches, AND another tropical storm blowing in. I wish I could be there to help his tired parents! I felt so sorry for Ashley, who got up with Grandson in the wee hours of the morning, only to step in a pile of cat vomit. On her way to get clean up supplies (without her glasses on), she saw something moving, which turned out to be a gigantic centipede. As I've explained to several of you, Ashley adapted to the German cockroaches in New York City(had her special roach killing clog), and has lived extensively around huge spiders and enormous(flying) cockroaches in West Africa. But she is revolted by centipedes; they are fast, and move in creepy ways. It took her two tries to kill the beast. 
• Today I looked up at a tree while on my walk and saw blue sky, lots of greenery, but a bunch of red leaves as well. I would post my photo, but sadly, typepad won't allow it. I'm retired, so September holds no work stress for me. Fall is probably my favorite season, by a whisker, since I love each season for a variety of reasons. Yet the sight of those red leaves made me even more melancholy. These are troubling times indeed. 
• 
• Update: Photos are back! Since I'm not a tech guru, I have no clue why they went away in the first place which is also...troubling. At least, I can now share my one (fallish) picture of the day. :)

Mooning around on a Monday

I had just finished a lengthy de-hairing of Mari's favorite spots, collecting enough fur to make a kitten friend for Mari, when she climbed back onto her favorite cushion to deposit more hair. 

Arrogant creature!

I seem to have missed most of my Stargazer's blooming while I was in New York. Due to our sunny, warm weather, the lilies came early this year. I've sometimes taken these flowers up to the cemetery near the 14th for my husband's birthday. That won't be happening this year. 

Now that I have lots of hair, I've discovered that conditioner helps it lay down a bit more. I haven't had it this long for several decades.

I live in a place that is well-known for berries; feel free to ask me questions about them (or about pickles) because it's one of my worthless areas of expertise. ;) These blackberries are also early, and since there are many of them along my walking route, I stopped to ingest a few. They are still at that sour/sweet stage that I prefer. My favorite berry is the blueberry, which I picked for many summers. That job paid for my first "stereo" and my first pair of contact lenses. One of the few pies I enjoy is Duke restaurant's Marionberry pie. (a marionberry is just a fancy blackberry) After sending John this picture, I suspect he's going to try to replicate that pie for my birthday in a couple weeks. I didn't ask him to, but he's thoughtful like that. 

The most tempting blackberries are the ones that are out of reach, but if you go after them, you'll end up with many bloody scratches. Been there, done that. This time, I was extremely careful. 

This meme made me smile, yet also want to cry. Some of my Facebook friends are lunatics and conspiracy theorists. Many of them I know in real life, which makes it even more depressing. As Daniel Patrick Moynihan said: "You are entitled to your opinion. But you are not entitled to your own facts.” The problem is that these wackadoodles people don't trust any facts, because they usually don't align with their politics. Normally, I wouldn't care, but we're in a global pandemic right now, thus idiotic behaviors and opinions affect everyone's safety. Argghhh!

My photo memories of August 3, 2017 showed me wearing an all too familiar mask, but in this case it was for wildfire smoke. I was whining about having to stay inside, and not being able to walk or run. I was lamenting the loss of my freedom to enjoy my favorite activities. For a few weeks, if that. I had no idea what was around the corner, did I?

 

The Subtle Art...

Most of you are familiar with the saying "Fake it until you make it." I aspired to that perspective in teaching, as well as the Fish philosophy tenet, "Make their day!" Although I'm not always sunny natured or enthusiastic (or particularly happy), I try not to put those negative feelings on anyone else. In the faking it, the making of others' days, in addition to my sense of humor, I've managed to love many things about each day and maintain a certain joie de vivre. That said, I got up on the proverbial wrong side of the bed today with nothing little to look forward to. I've already spent my magical time in New York, thus the excitement and anticipation of that trip is over. I'm not seeing anyone right now due to my quarantine, which means that loneliness exacerbates the situation. John is happily bike riding, watching the SpaceX astronauts splash down, and working on various projects around the house. I think I need him to miss me more...

Thankfully, Facebook threw uplifting memories at me, of my past visit to Seward, Alaska and of this restaurant, Home of the World Renown(sic) Bucket of Butt. :)

My friend and I stayed in this picturesque Jack London cabin which was a mere few steps away from the owner's pet reindeer(in a pen) and his little creperie. Crepes in Alaska? Like many Alaskans, the owner, Yvon, came from somewhere else, Belgium I think. 

My memories for the day also included this 2009 picture of my late husband(in the back), his late half-brother (Lee), his late mother and my estranged sister-in-law. Seven years ago today was when Lee died, of cancer like his mother and my husband. I'm not posting that picture because it makes me too sad. It's shocking how very different my family is now, and strange that this important part of my life is completely gone. Except that I do still have those green chair cushions!

Five years ago today I was eating lunch on Patong beach in Phuket with Alison and her then boyfriend and his father. I didn't think that my hair was that short or light, but it sure appears that way in this photo. Hmmm.

I'm not sure how I feel about my longer, darker hair, but until Covid19 improves, it'll have to stay this way. On another note, I'm incandescent with rage when I look at my county's numbers which are outrageously high. People are getting together, having parties and super spreader events without any common sense or concern for others. Perhaps the fact that I'm in semi-quarantine has made me especially angry about this?

This smiley photo from New York (posted with permission) delighted me this morning. I love and miss that baby SO much!

I laughed about this Ziggy stance on "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**K." I need to do better at emulating his cattitude attitude. :)

 

 

Augusting

August has always been an important month for me, although when I taught, it was like every day was Sunday night. I would begin to worry about school preparations, class sizes, adjustments to a new routine and whether I would show up to school naked. (school nightmares!) This is the month of my parents' anniversary (the 7th), my birthday (the 12th) and my late husband's (the 14th). August is when I definitively broke off my two year relationship with Henry, and also when I met John, not even a week later. August is when I seem to schedule my travel, so I see numerous trip photos in my Facebook memories, my cell phone pictures and my blog posts. Since I just returned from New York and a glorious three weeks with my daughter, son-in-law and new grandson, I don't have the right to complain. But in my old and retired age, I've become more free spirited and adventurous, thus staying home is no longer as attractive as it used to be. 

Since my first trip to Alaska in 2014, I've been back another two times and loved each one of my visits. I didn't go there ONLY to buy a Mountain Men of Alaska calendar either! I've enjoyed a blackberry rhubarb scone at my favorite Anchorage bakery, marveled over the scenery in Homer, and fought seasickness on an amazing Kenai Fjords cruise, complete with humpbacks, orcas, puffins, and sea lions. Have I mentioned that I was supposed to be on an Alaskan cruise right now? D*mn Covid19!

Five years ago today I was entranced by this delicious mocha in Phuket, a place I never wanted to go. I didn't even know where it was or how to pronounce its name. (Poo ket). Yet when my younger daughter asked me if I wanted to meet her in this exotic tropical locale, I said yes, of course! Unfortunately, Phuket is 17 hours in flight time from Seattle, whereas Hawaii is only 5 1/2 hours away, so I would prefer to fly to Hawaii if I'm looking for sun, beaches and blue sky. Plus, Phuket is quite sketchy with many sleazy shows, gorgeous women who aren't women, and a vibrant bar scene. Not my thing at all. On a positive note, the food was utterly fabulous there. :)

Last year, I was planning my travels to the Iowa State Fair (trying on my goat yoga pants!) and figuring out my Scotland trip. This year I'm taking photos of this snowball bush, which has strangely shaped snowballs. I'm savoring a Sbux mocha and a delightful conversation with a close friend. I'm realizing that there are no small moments. 

Happiness, not in another place but this place… not for another hour, but this hour.
– Walt Whitman



 

 

Life in the slow lane

My accomplishments have been few, except that I've managed to run and walk, do some laundry, and make a new Grandson collage. (which I can't show you, sadly) However,  I was given permission to share this photo of my daughter and her two (hairy) kids: 

Poor Ziggy wants on Ashley's lap, but there is already an usurper taking up that space! I miss being in that chair and rocking grandson, while admiring his beautiful little face. Sigh. 

You can see that Mari is also disgruntled; she dislikes it when I use the laptop since she considers my lap her territory. She still wants to stay as close to me as possible. It's sweet. 

When I left for New York, this plant was barely blooming. It belongs to my neighbor, although it's planted in our shared front yard area. I can't decide if I like it or not. What do you think?

Another neighbor planted these in my hollow concrete blocks; my late husband put the blocks inside our property line as a border to keep our gravel from encroaching on their flower bed. At first I was taken aback by their audacity, but now I don't mind unless they put in something I dislike. Everyone knows I'm a fan of this color! :) Today I got my first mailing from Medicare which felt weird, and a bit overwhelming. (so many decisions!) Unlike John, who went from paying $10 per month as a Boeing retiree to hundreds of dollars for Medicare and a supplement, I'll be celebrating a reduction from over $700 per month to probably about half that. If you're not American, you can't imagine the stress and worry over health care/insurance in this country. In every sense of the term, we are truly a banana republic these days. :(

Margaret's Experimental Blog

Today, Grandson only wanted to nap on his parents instead of in his crib, and I badly wanted to be back there helping my daughter and her husband (and getting more baby snuggles). Instead, I'm home with my cat, who was so excited to be reunited that she hasn't left me alone for the whole day. Her insistent meowing, rubbing against my legs, and her need for proximity are helping me re-adjust to life 2,840 miles away from my Little Guy and his family. Sixteen years ago on Labor Day weekend I began this new blogging adventure as Margaret's Experimental Blog; I figured it would last a few months, since I was starting back to school and wouldn't have the time to write or anything interesting to say. I felt self-conscious and didn't have a developed writing voice; that took me several years, a couple tragedies, and a whole lot of introspection. Trite but true: SO much has changed in those 16 years, including me. Especially me?

Along the way, my experimental blog became Stargazer because of my lilies and my love for astronomy. This year I came back from New York to these blooms, no where near as prolific or impressive as they used to be. The bulbs are aging right along with me. (and the blog!) Yet these flowers are still beautiful and fragrant. In so many ways, the present isn't as vibrant or easy as the past, but it's what we've got. Sigh.

Although my lawn is yellow instead of green, the neighbor boy kept my plants alive, for which I paid him $20. 

I planted three petunias here, and only one of them is thriving. Is it because of the gigantic calla lily? All those leaves, yet only ONE flower?

I'm a bit disappointed in these flimsy face shields, but proud of myself for putting them together. (not complicated except for me) And they were cheap. 

I trimmed my bangs a little too short, but they'll grow. Like my eyebrows. ;) Now that I have my own hairdryer and round brush, I'm liking my Ashley haircut even more. At least, I feel like myself again which is important. At this point, I don't look into the mirror and recoil. Plans for tomorrow: nothing. Plans for the day after that: A car coffee date with my friend Marie. Future plans: grocery shopping, but probably pick up since I'm in quarantine. Watching the new season of Shetland on a library DVD. Reading a couple of mysteries. Running and walking. My daily life, always somewhat small, is shrinking even more. As much as Covid 19 has altered my life though, I won't allow this virus to ruin it.  

Baby Love Part 7.5

“I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle.” —Vincent Van Gogh

This morning before heading to the airport I got to say goodbye to my grandson, even though he was having his "breakfast." (SO delightful!) I also hugged my daughter very hard, wanting to hang on forever...

Then it was back to real life. At least the airport wasn't crowded.

My mocha was delicious, everyone was wearing masks, and I could distance, not by 6 feet, but by at least 20. I've always enjoyed people and conversation, so I'm a bit worried that Covid19 is taking away that part of my personality forever. 

It was sobering to see my state in red. It made me even sadder to leave. I know I can't stay and be their nanny. I understand that I belong in that far northwest Covid hotspot with my parents, John and my cat. But it doesn't mean that I won't long for more snuggles and experiences with my grandson. Kissing his hair and his temples as I held him was indescribable. All the feels! So many tears.

I enjoyed being in the cocoon of "no virus." I quarantined for 14 days, and had a negative test. Then I stayed inside with my family, enjoying a blissful and baby filled existence. It was like being cloistered. Our lives revolved around each other, which was so incredibly lovely. Now it's full on stress reality with bills to pay, a dead lawn to deal with, an empty rental house to figure out, and another quarantine to bear. Happily, John gave me a big hug at the airport(in his mask), while dumping a bunch of sanitizer in my hands. And I come out of quarantine on my birthday (August 12th), so I'm hoping for some kind of celebration with my special guy. It may mean dinner and a movie at his house. Although I would love to go out to Dukes restaurant (on the water with a deck) for my favorite macadamia encrusted halibut, blue cheese Caesar salad, draft Mac and Jacks amber ale, and marionberry pie, it's not happening. :( We could also do a hike together if the weather is decent. I'm hoping that someone serenades me with that Beatles song though. "Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm 64,"  However, the lyrics are quite depressing, now that I think about it. :)

 

Baby Love Part Seven

"There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart."

Mahatma Gandhi

This time with my daughter, son-in-law and grandson has been such an incredible gift, and it's been an emotional last day together. I'm still crying as I write this final post about my trip. So many changes and stresses are coming for these NY kids. family and career wise, and with the pandemic, the world is already such a terrifying place. I have loved every moment here, even changing Baby's dirty diapers, as well as trying to calm him when he's screaming. I will miss everyone and everything, although that's a huge understatement. 

Ashley, Baby and I took a short walk/stroll on the campus where I admired this building. It's the dining hall! Unfortunately, even in the morning, the heat and humidity (dew point?) are so oppressive. I toughed it out when I was quarantining, but grandson got too hot, so we called his daddy for a ride. Sigh.

We took many family photos, both inside and out, and I'm allowed to post this one. Upon seeing it, I asked Ashley if she were still up for trimming my hair. Because, ewww...

And she was willing to give it a shot, which was today's adventure. I think it looks much better. Tomorrow John will pick me up at the airport, and I'll be back in quarantine for fourteen days. At least the walking and running temperatures will be much more comfortable at home, and I'll have my cat back. Now it's time to stop weeping, and try to get some sleep. Catch you on the flip side.