Stargazer

Under the weather

I'm 99.9% sure that it's not the coronavirus. But I don't feel good today, nor did I yesterday. It's been an on and off thing where I'm a little dizzy and nauseated at times, but not enough to fall down or throw up. It's like I'm mildly seasick except I'm not on the water. I dealt with these same symptoms for the first three months of my pregnancy with Alison; however, I'm definitely not pregnant! ;) I don't have a fever, and can smell and taste perfectly, in spite of a complete lack of appetite. This virus has all sorts of tricky and varied symptoms though, which is nerve wracking. 

I feel best when I'm outside in the fresh air. Unfortunately, it's COLD. Fortunately, it's also sunny with blue sky, so my walk was spectacular. 

A neighborhood teenage boy drives this pick up.  As I walked by, I noticed that during the past few days, he's replaced his American flag with a "Do Not Tread On Me" one. I will give him a wide berth. 

No enhancement was required for this beautiful sky, but I wish I could have captured how impressive the moon was between the tree branches. Perhaps I can blame the lousy photography on my inferior IPhone 7 camera? :)

I thought I was Bernie memed out until I saw this one from Trudeau. I definitely needed the laugh today. 

 

A goodbye

The story of my step-grandma is long, and complicated. She was my mom's best friend in high school, the maid of honor in her wedding, and eventually the second wife of my much older grandfather. Although not a blood relative, she was generous and supportive and we considered her a member of our family. This morning I got a call that she had died, from my grandfather's best friend's daughter who is the executrix of her estate. I was the first call, so I've had to deal with many notifications, including my parents, her closest relatives. My mom calls Poochie every Saturday, and we had just sent her cards for her 88th birthday on January 27th. It was unexpectedly expected, if that makes any sense. I can't remember a time when she wasn't in my life, thus it's hard to process this. I'm not shocked, but it seems like reality has shifted. Again. 

My mom is the bride, Poochie is standing next to her, and the flower girl (Cecilia) is the executrix, who is now flying up from Arizona tomorrow morning. I'm relieved that I'm only the first call, and don't have to be driving over a mountain pass in the winter to deal with Poochie's estate. I did offer to help Cecilia if she needs me though. (I'm hoping she doesn't)

By the way, her real name was Lorraine, but no one in their small town called her that. Nicknames were very common there; no one from Cle Elum or Roslyn calls my dad Donald. He is Skip, and his friends growing up were Mulehouse, Coke, and Bozo. I think most of them were actually named George. 

Since Ashley loves that area, we drove over there in January 2020 and 2019. Poochie enjoyed going out to lunch with us, then visiting the cemetery (the family mausoleum) and driving by houses where our relatives used to live. There is so much history in those towns, and many memories for me since both sets of grandparents lived there. 

We always get our photo taken with the iconic Roslyn Cafe mural in the background. Northern Exposure anyone? 

Poochie took Ashley's arm to help keep her balance the last time we saw her. She was very frail and unsteady, and was touchingly happy to have us with her. I wish there had been more times together and other visits. This d*mn pandemic. 

Daily Drivel

January, although a dreary month even without a pandemic, is one of my favorite sleeping months. I love a cold bedroom, and always have my window a little open. I also sleep much more soundly when it's dark; between my black out blind and the lack of light in winter, I end up much better rested this time of year. I live far enough away from the trains downtown that I can hear their horns in the distance as they come through town at night. I find the sound strangely comforting. 

Do y'all remember Cousin It from the Addams Family? This was my impression of him with my newly dyed hair.  It was my messy project of the day. The cat thought I'd lost my mind. Hmm, perhaps she's right. :)

Bernie Sanders Inauguration memes have kept me chortling, guffawing and giggling all day. I'm a Trekker, so I especially liked this one. By the way, on political ideology tests, Bernie and I don't match up at all. I've never felt "The Bern." 

Ashley made me this one where Bernie was visiting me during the summer. You can see that I had let my front lawn die which was against the neighborhood covenants. I think Bernie would approve of that, but not necessarily the reason why. (lots of travel on big airplanes)

John got his first vaccination shot, and I'm trying not to be jealous. Then he went on an outdoor, masked walk with his younger daughter and granddaughter. Is it OK to be a LITTLE ENVIOUS? 

My house is going to get smarter, thanks to a sale at Costco, plus John, who is eager to install these plugs for some of my other lights. Remember the dark bedroom I mentioned? It would be great to go in there at night and not walk into the edge of the bed, get a bloody nose running into the door jamb, or knock the lamp over trying to turn it on. Not that I've ever done any of that! ;)

 

Inauguration, etc.

“For there is always light,
if only we’re brave enough to see it
If only we’re brave enough to be it"

Amanda Gorman

National Youth Poet Laureate

 

A major difference between John and me is that he got up at 5:30 a.m. to tune in to the Inauguration whereas I kept to my normal time of 8 a.m. I puttered around changing my bed, and snuggling with the cat. Then with my mocha in hand, I finally sat down to see what was happening. I don't have the best attention span, thus my patience for speeches and ceremonial stuff is limited. I enjoyed what I watched, appreciated Biden's calm and positive speech, and was impressed by the poise and wise words of the above quoted Amanda Gorman. Listening to our new administration, I was reminded how much I value truth and kindness and how much I've missed them. Those qualities still seem to be sorely lacking on Facebook and I'm sure on other sites. Name calling, dishonesty and hypocrisy have been normalized, but they will never be OK in my world. Although I'm not 100% optimistic about this country's future, I'm less stressed with adults now in charge: people who won't govern via Twitter, attract white supremacists and right wing militias to their cause, or crap on our Constitution. (or in our Capitol!) On a less somber note, I did mute the musical performances of JLo and Garth Brooks after listening for a minute or so. I guess I'm not a fan of either one! :)

 

If only I had those eyelashes! Doesn't my 8 month old Little Guy look grown-up? (and not so little!) He is such a treasure. Today my dad's friend is doing better, although still in the hospital. If I were his wife, I would sell all the ladders before he came home--if I hadn't already murdered him for climbing up on the roof to start with. My dad's hematology appointment this morning went OK; in no surprise, his leukemic blood continues to deteriorate. However, I was shocked that Dad intends to try the chemo and blood transfusions, as long as they don't mess up his quality of life. The chemo is very well tolerated, but does require a port. The treatment MAY extend his survival for a year, so I need to remain realistic about his prognosis, which isn't good at all. I'm struggling with the fact that he still seems normal, looks and feels good, and maintains his sense of humor, sometimes the dark variety. It's hard to believe that he's terminally ill. But if I expect others to be truthful to me, I also have to be honest with myself. 

The winter of my discontent

My frustrations are often relatively insignificant, and I work hard at focusing on the long term picture. Right now, in spite of this uplifting message, I'm standing at the bottom of the mountain, and I'm too tired to climb. I'm not looking at the bright side of anything at the moment. 

I'm sick of seeing my Facebook friends posting about getting the vaccine, when I'm just a little too young and healthy to do so. Even John (at 66) has an appointment in March for his shot. I don't need anyone to tell me that my feelings of resentment are petty because I KNOW IT, OK?

I feel a bit like the weather today which is foggy and isolating. I'm far away from my kids, and unable to be the kind of parent or grandparent that I would like to be. (or envisioned) While my son-in-law's mom can go help them out, I'm stuck 2,800 miles away. My dad is dying, and I'm now a stranger to many of my friends and family members, even the ones who live close to me. The pandemic has driven wedges between so many of us, and exposed fault lines in relationships that I didn't even realize were there. I understand that my emotions are irrational and ugly, but right now I need to process them. I'm very tearful that I waited so long for a grandchild, and now I can't spend any time with him. He won't even know me. 

This girl doesn't let me cry too much. She puts her furry face right in mine, as if to say, "I'm here!" Sweet kitty. 

 

On hope

 “To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something…And if we do act, in however small a way, we don’t have to wait for some grand utopian future. The future is an infinite succession of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory." Howard Zinn

As I focus on the small delights of a car coffee date today with a friend(with one tomorrow also), I'm trying to ignore my hatred of drive thrus, especially when the person ahead of me has a $30 order. Eventually, "normality" will return and I'll be sitting inside instead of in my car with the window rolled down. I vow to never use a drive thru again; I've always disliked them, and the pandemic hasn't resigned me to their dreadful ambiance. Thankfully though, our weather has been decent and hasn't limited my outings, although it could snow next weekend. Or it could rain. There could be a single snowflake. Or we could get a foot. Such is life in the dreaded convergence zone! 

There are big things happening this week besides my HAIR. ;) The Inauguration makes me nervous, but I have few predictions. (which is even scarier) Because I don't have any control over any of it, I'm concentrating on the smaller but personally important events. Also on the 20th my father has an important appointment with his hematologist/oncologist to figure out what (if any) treatment he's willing to try. This weekend Dad's best friend and decades long walking partner fell off his roof trying to clear it of branches from our last windstorm. (Mom and I, "What in the H*LL did he think he was doing up on the roof?") So, Merle is in the hospital, and no one can visit him, not even his wife of 60+ years. In this "succession of presents" I can only live day to day, snuggle my cat, drink my coffee, enjoy my walks, and treasure what time I have with my loved ones. Even though I can't beat the negative, I can at least try not to add to it. 

Holding on

Even when my 2002 Chevy Trailblazer was on its last legs, I kept getting expensive electrical repairs done. In a colleague's words: "Margaret, it's like putting a pacemaker in a zombie!" Everyone (including me) knew that I needed to buy a different car, but I was attached to the Trailblazer. It wasn't only its familiarity and was nothing to do with the money. Instead it was my memories of family road trips, gymnastics practices and meets, car pools to daughter activities, and my late husband at the wheel. However, the day when I was supposed to be at my retirement party and the Trailblazer wouldn't start was the proverbial last straw. I soon started researching and car shopping in my single minded way, test drove my three favorites, then ended up choosing my 2018 Subaru Forester for its color. :) Lately, I'm feeling in the midst of another dilemma. 

My 25+ year old Krups espresso/regular coffee maker still brews a delicious mocha, although I do use a separate frother these days. My late husband bought it for me when we still lived in our other house, which was nearly 25 years ago. I spent weeks of frustration searching for the right proportions, the tastiest chocolate and the best coffee. I threw many mochas down the drain. I bought powders and liquids, dark roasts and mediums, and different milks. Now that I finally have my coffee (loose term for a luxury hot chocolate with a couple shots) figured out, I hate to deal with a more complicated and technologically advanced set up. This ancient Krups still works, although it's looking quite ratty these days. 

I've looked at this 2021 version which looks similar to what I have. John, who is a self-described skinflint, owns a $10 Mr. Coffee and is shocked that I would consider spending this kind of money for a coffee maker. Is it OK to want a fancy machine?

This model has more buttons and appears more complex, so I'm a bit intimidated by it. It's a good reason to put off any decision! The fact that I've been shopping around means that I'll probably buy something in the near future, if I don't procrastinate for a few months first. I understand why I'm attached to my old stuff, although it's embarrassing to admit. When I had some emotional difficulty getting rid of my late husband's van and Jeep, people told me, "They're just vehicles; they don't mean anything!" (I disagree) My younger daughter names her cars, but had no angst selling "Julia," the Ford Focus, or "Rita," her Subaru Outback Sport. Yet here I am holding tightly to my outdated and decrepit (but still working!) coffee maker. I think I'm getting eccentric in my old age. 

Reflections

“We do not think ourselves into new ways of living, we live ourselves into new ways of thinking.”
― Richard Rohr

Without many of my social activities and lacking my usual travel and Happy Hours, I've had (too?) much time to think. As I've reflected and adapted to my circumstances, I've transformed myself in small ways.

From a person who was rigidly coiffed and manicured to a free hair and nail spirit.

From a hater of drive thrus to a reluctant participant, although I intend to never go through one again unless I'm in another pandemic. I dislike hand sanitizer too and am eager to never use it again. 

From an awkward mask wearer to a devotee who will continue to wear one sometimes even when it's not required. Like every time I fly. 

From a lover of travel to a homebody, although that will eventually change. I've realized though that I'm at the stage of life where I'm fine "visiting" some places in photos or TV programs. My list of trips that I want to physically do has shrunk. Part of that is the priority of my daughters (and grandson) living so far away. And also my dad is terminally ill. 

A complication is that the friend I often travel with has adopted a dog, a Yorkie/Pug mix named Punkin.  I'm very apprehensive that she'll now want to haul the dog with us everywhere. Although I like dogs, I don't want to vacation with one. My parents and my husband and I have always had big dogs, so I'm not used to a purse sized one that would be easier to transport. Fortunately or unfortunately, we won't be traveling until summer, if even then. Perhaps I should suggest bringing Mari? In a contest between Punkin and Mari, my cat would kick butt. 

I've gone from a creature of habit to a person who, after using the same broken umbrella for years, decided to finally throw it in the garbage. It didn't help that I ran over it with the car this morning. Now I have to find another light umbrella, one that won't make my hand cramp when I carry it. Goodbye, Purple Parapluie! I'd love to say goodbye to the pandemic too, but it's definitely intensifying while my vaccination seems to be getting more and more distant. :(

Convergence zones

Weather forecasters are commonly mocked in the Pacific Northwest because through little fault of their own, they often get predictions disastrously wrong. It's all about our unpredictable convergence zones. So, to cover their you-know-whats, they will go overboard if there is a snowflake coming ("SNOWPOCALPYSE") and make a big deal of any unusually high or low temperatures. A few days ago, they said that there would be wind. Understatement. I was shocked that "wind" actually turned out to be a terrifying and howling windstorm that blew out transformers, toppled trees, cancelled school, and knocked down fences. It was more like a Windmaggedon!

Speaking of fences, arrgghh! This is part of mine. In that yard behind my gravel live two pit bulls whose owner claims they're friendly. However, they bark loudly, lunge and show their substantial teeth at me when I'm mowing the lawn, thus I would rather not have them running into my yard. Thankfully, Kev (the pit bull owner) has already volunteered to take care of repairs; last time the fence fell he wouldn't let me pay him a cent because my late husband had helped him out when he moved in. This time though, I need to contribute money toward materials and labor. Although circumstances sometimes force me to play the helpless widowed female, I weary of the role. 

When I see pictures of the National Guard bunking down next to their weapons in the Capitol, I feel sick to my stomach and sad. I can't believe we've come to this. Another convergence zone of sorts. :( I'm ready for a return to sanity and boredom, but feel like I could be waiting a long time...

Here's my daily dose of peace and normality. 

New Year's Cards

I think I've sent out my last NY card of the year. Prior to 2012 I did Christmas cards, and LOTS of them. I typed a letter (usually humorous and not too bragging) on the computer, printed it out on holiday stationery and included the best recent photo of our family. Everything changed eight years ago when my husband died on December 4. I no longer had the heart or energy to work on Christmas cards, although friends and family continued to send them to me. It seemed like an appropriate time to give up the tradition entirely. But I wasn't ready to do that. The perfect compromise was to use my (then) work break to send a New Year's version; they would have up to date pictures and would only go to those who had sent me holiday cards. I have relaxed that rule a bit to include my parents, my brother's family and John. At however many dollars PER card though, I'm not willing to spend hundreds of dollars plus stamps, hence my choice to limit the numbers. I was very excited about my 2020 card, since I'd gone on so many trips that I didn't even mention several of them. :) My mom gave me a strange look after reading my "Travel" paragraph, then smirked, "Margaret, didn't you forget something?"

Scotland was the big splashy trip, and Hawaii (Maui) was the most recent of 2019; however, during that year, I had also visited New York and Montreal (April), the Texas Hill country and Austin (May), and Iowa (August). In 2020 it wasn't at all difficult to remember where I'd been. ;) I did make it to Ohio and New York in March at the beginning of the pandemic, but not back to New York in May for my grandson's birth, which I would have missed anyway. (he was eight days early) 

I can only share the cover of this year's tri-fold since the rest of it is filled with pictures of my daughters, their partners and my darling grandson! 2020 has been full of "I'll cross that bridge when I come to it" whereas the world of 2021 seems to be "You can't cross a bridge that hasn't even been built yet."

It's not the same as being there, but I love FaceTiming with this little charmer. He has such personality and sparkle! My mom and I (and my son-in-law's mom and sister) are starting to suspect that Grandson may have inherited a hint of his mom's dimple. As my dad said, "His cheeks are too fat to tell at the moment." HAHA, so true.  

When I posted this picture on Instagram with the caption "Wannabe barista," Ashley replied with this scathing review: "Worst. Barista. Ever. Mean as a snake, and then drinks all the frothed milk. 0/10 stars, would not recommend." We have a collection of videos of Mari viciously attacking, growling and hissing at Ashley, so the antipathy is definitely mutual!