Stargazer

Trials and tulips

I've been dreading today due to my dental appointment this morning. My feelings had nothing to do with fear of the actual appointment since my grandfather was a dentist, my dentist for many years. Grandpa did yell at me for not flossing which was upsetting, but I've never had a cavity so I guess he instilled good dental hygiene in me. I was anxious because I knew they would express their condolences about my dad who was a long time patient. Like *everyone else, they adored his sparkle, wit, kindness and courtly demeanor. I wasn't sure how I would react to their sympathy; I've found that it can cause all the emotions to boil over. Perhaps that's a positive thing, but I wasn't looking forward to it. As it turned out, I did OK; I only got a little choked up, but not bad. Whew.

My hair has misbehaved horribly today; it's been wispy and sticking out all over. I literally don't know what to do with it! Tomorrow will be even worse since John and I are taking the bikes over to Anderson Island to enjoy the 79 degree sunshine. Helmet hair plus a crappy haircut? Bring it on. 

Pinks, purples and reds are dominant in my decimated tulip family. Sigh.

These guys are soaking up the sun!

These peony style ones are in the back flower bed where no one can see them except me. 

Remember when only one of these was blooming? This run of crazy 70 degree April weather is bringing them on fast. I'm just glad to finally see some colorful flowers, even though they aren't my favorite.

*my mom has been annoying weird lately, and finds every excuse to criticize my dad. John thinks it's part of her grief process, but it's SO difficult to listen to without responding emotionally. "Your dad needed to be more assertive. He let so and so get away with too much." "Your dad didn't help much when you four were babies." Geeze, that was 60 years ago! I'm barely holding on to my temper with her negativity yet I also don't want to say anything I'll regret. I'm relieved that I'll be away with John tomorrow, and will have a chance to take some deep breaths and think about how I want to handle this unexpected and unwelcome situation. 

 

Camera Obscura

"The word camera comes from camera obscura, which means "dark chamber" and is the Latin name of the original device for projecting an image of external reality onto a flat surface. The modern photographic camera evolved from the camera obscura. The functioning of the camera is very similar to the functioning of the human eye."-from Wikipedia

The functioning of a camera might resemble the eye, but not necessarily reproduce the reality. Or is what the camera captures the more realistic view of a scene? 

The mountain looked bigger than this to me as I stopped at a red light, en route to yet another coffee date!

I get many compliments from the Sbux employees about my very appropriate mask. (no psycho eyes today)

My friend and I then headed over to another colleague's nearby house to meet her three month old baby for the first time. He smiled a lot, giggled adorably at my funny faces, and eventually fell asleep on me. His name is William. 

The Olympic mountains were stunning on my way home. But does this photo capture the glory of the view? Obviously not. :(

Yet this unimpressive peony style tulip looks lovely, doesn't it? The camera (and our eyes) can play tricks on us. 

I took this photo with my ancient Kodak Easy Share camera at Tulip Town in 2013. I knelt on the ground, and tried to look through the viewfinder, but it was too sunny to see anything. The screen looked black. I snapped the picture blindly anyway. It's now one of my favorites, a beautiful reality shown through a an obscure chamber. 

Scenes from Spring

More tulips are blooming and they are still none of the colors I prefer. They do give me a chance to play with my portrait setting on the iPhone 12 though, eh?

Red, ugh. When I believed that tulips were only red, white and yellow, I had no interest in them. Then I visited Tulip Town in 2013 and was entranced by the variety of styles and colors. Of course I would love more of them, but have I already mentioned that where I live used to be a quarry? And that tulip bulbs are supposed to be planted deep?

Coffee dates are wonderful when the weather is warm and sunny, and we can sit outside. My county (Pierce) is one of three in Washington to be dropped back to Phase 2. It feels like a gigantic hand slap. I'm still being careful (and am also vaccinated), but evidently some of my fellow Piercers are NOT. Insert bad words and insults

My friend brought her dog, who bonded with my boot when Becky went inside the Starbucks to use the bathroom. Although I like dogs, I'm not a fan of having them at every get together. After all, I don't bring Mari with me everywhere. As a cat, she would reject that idea anyway. 

It's such a shame when a beautiful mountain view is spoiled by cell phone towers and traffic. However, if I were to go a little farther down the road, there would be many unobstructed views of Rainier. 

In some states I would get in trouble for hanging my masks(or anything!) from the rear view mirror. They actually do block my view though, don't they?

Grandson is still feverish, but his pediatrician found that he had no chest congestion or ear infection at least. She also mentioned that there are many coronaviruses, rotavirus, and even roseola going around right now. As is the current fashion, Little Guy had a Covid 19 test too. My daughter says that this New York Baby is a wannabe Washingtonian and obsessed with raw apples.:) I hope it's a Cosmic Crisp!

My nail salon ladies were delighted to see me today, and I finally have sandal worthy toes! 

 

Accomplishments

Today was essentially a "boring" day, although I prefer the term "peaceful." It took me several years of retirement to realize that being busy every minute or constantly working on projects/goals were no longer necessary. I spent over 37 years of my life on a bell schedule, writing lesson plans and following curriculum. I wasn't used to unstructured time, and felt like relaxing was wasteful. Now, I've gone to the opposite extreme which isn't ideal either! 

I didn't take a before photo, but my lawn was long and shaggy. Now it's well-manicured and neat. Speaking of manicures, now that I'm vaccinated, I think I'll get a mani-pedi! It's definitely sandal weather this week. 

This afternoon I also took a ride out to Half Price Books where I purchased some fun reads for the New Yorkers' upcoming visit in June. Sadly, my poor little guy is feverish and grouchy today; he had to be picked up early from daycare which was messy for both parents' schedules. They got little sleep last night either which makes for a discouraging day. My first impulse was to rush fly back there to help. It's SO frustrating to be 2,800 miles away when I would love to be able to make their lives easier, as my mother-in-law and parents did for us. I'm extremely thankful that my daughters' three grandparents lived only 5 minutes away. My New Yorkers have had a much harder experience: a new baby, no community, no support, AND a pandemic. My late father, King of the Strange Sayings, used to opine sometimes, "I feel as useless as tits on a boar." I concur with that sentiment, Dad. 

Dealing with Dates

I sent my brother a Happy 50th message this morning, not thinking about the date until afterward. Although we did have a family get together this afternoon, his actual birthday is the 13rd. Is my brain that foggy? I'm blaming it on my chronic inability to keep track of the calendar. The days seem to rush by; suddenly it's nearly the middle of April! In barely a month, I'll be heading back east to visit my daughters, their partners and Grandson. At nearly 11 months, he's starting to talk; it's adorable how he says "apple." Naturally, I'm madly in love with the little guy!

It was a small family gathering, and I was the only one in a mask. I tried not to focus on the Trump mug on top of their kitchen cabinet, but my eyes were drawn to it. :( A few days ago John told me he wasn't comfortable attending the birthday party since he already knows how anti-mask and Covid denying my sister-in-law is. He's seen her in action with her mask under her nose when she's been forced to wear one. However, I did rehearse what I would say to him if he mentioned the event. When he apologized last night for not wanting to come, I was calm but clear in my response. The fact is that we've both taken a few risks for our respective families. He babysat his granddaughter several times when her daycare closed due to Covid 19, and that was before we were even vaccinated. Now that we've completed our shots and the two weeks, I feel a bit more comfortable being around small groups of people. Not 100% though. Will I ever? Sigh. 

My brother seems concerned about my mom's weight, and she does appear to be shrinking. She swears that she's eating, but probably not the same way she did when she was preparing meals for the two of them. I remember many nights of having soup, cheese slices and some apple for dinner. Cooking for one is thankless and uninspiring. Actually, the motivation to do many things is non-existent when you're alone. 

I'm thrilled by the latest weather forecast. We're expecting a gorgeous spring week with lots of sun and temperatures near and a little above 70. My tulips like that! Unfortunately, the warm weather will also mean mowing. Weeding. Spraying my gravel with Round Up weed killer. 

The trees on my walk are coming alive. Everywhere I look there's color. 

The sky was indeed very blue; this photo is untouched. :)

The (dubious) excitement of my weekend has been getting these new leggings. They have forest scenes on them, and are extremely comfortable. Now to keep the cat's claws from scratching them up...

My city and its cancelled Daffodil Parade made the New York Times. Several years ago I was chosen as our Daffodil Princess' Educator of the Year, so I had to got to ride in a convertible in the parade. I'm sure I've already written here of my dislike and avoidance of parades. And that year was a rainy one too! However, I thought very highly of my student Sydney, so I sucked it up. :)

 

Dealing with Finality

In my humble opinion, I've been handling the tasks of my dad's death very well; sadly, I am quite experienced in these matters. I finished off with Social Security, with whom I remain extremely impressed. The woman I talked to explained that they have everything completely organized for Mom to receive her combined benefit. We won't need to get an appointment, or fill out any forms. While I should have felt a sense of accomplishment, I had the hardest time emotionally today. I wanted to hear Dad's hearty laugh, and share some extremely adorable photos and videos of Grandson. It's painful to lose, not just a father, but a best friend.

I dumped off his pills at the compounding pharmacy where they take left over medication. He didn't take or need most of them; oncologists seem to over-prescribe, just in case. Until he got acute myeloid leukemia, Dad walked five miles (dropped to 3, then to 2) five days a week. He was in amazing shape for a man his age. That lulled us into thinking that he would just keep going, forever and ever. 

Mom was going to get rid of his caps, which he wore for running when he was middle-aged, and for walking later in life. She was surprised that I wanted them; I gave him three of the caps from my travels, and can use them for exercising when it's rainy. I look terrible in hats of any kind, but will treasure the memories attached to these special ones. I remember how much Dad laughed when I couldn't pronounce Phuket, and kept saying a VERY bad word. :)

I've finally decided how I feel about my hair; I definitely dislike the cut (too thinned on the bottom) but I love the warm color. I tried a different style, and it was a gamble. Any time you take a chance, you risk failure, right? C'est la vie. 

Just dealing

I haven't been great about knowing the date lately, so I missed sending John a "thinking of you" text this morning. It's his late wife's birthday today, and although John has little baggage and isn't particularly sentimental, I still try to acknowledge his special events. Christine was a social worker who dealt mostly with the elderly; in every photo I see of her, she is smiling warmly. She was a gourmet cook and enjoyed traveling (especially to Maui) and hiking; I've met many of her friends, and they loved and admired her very much. (and still miss her) John talks about her sometimes, but is excellent at compartmentalizing his life and its numerous stages and changes. He went from a married father of two to a divorced guy, then a dater, after he met Christine--a married guy with a good job at Boeing, a widower at 61, a dater again, and finally a man in a LTR. My progression can be compared to his by simply saying that it's shorter. 

John sent me this photo of his late brother Jim(killed himself February 2, 2020) with Christine who died of metastatic breast cancer on November 8, 2015. He had found it somewhere and I think it was odd for him to realize that these happy looking people are now gone. That got me started thinking again about quantum entanglements, and how much physics parallels relationships. Once a particle comes in contact with another one, even when that new one is later separated by a long distance, the original particle is forever impacted and influenced by it. The threads between humans seem similar, don't they?

My first serious boyfriend in widowhood was Henry. I learned a lot from him, and they were wonderful, yet sometimes difficult and painful lessons. I discovered that no amount of caring or time could heal someone who refused to get better.  It took me a long time to put Henry in the compartment where he belonged, mostly because I was searching for answers and closure. "Break up" is such a misnomer when what happens with most relationships is actually a disentangling, bit by bit and memory by memory. As in quantum entanglements, there will always be a link, no matter how far away our orbits from each other. 

My tulips are on the verge of blooming, like this pink one. My late husband disliked tulips, and pulled ours out, much to my dismay. The year after he died, I bought 80 bulbs from Holland and painstakingly planted them in my rocky soil. The parrot variety only lasted one year. Some of my other favorites have stopped coming up. The tulips left are apparently of a hardier variety. They're not as spectacular or necessarily in my preferred colors. Is that a metaphor for my life--sometimes I just have to be content with the boring red tulips instead of longing for the fancy parrot ones? 

I also miss this vibrant peony style tulip. Perhaps it's time to re-visit the Breck website? Hmm. ;)

 

 

Dealing with Death

I'll start with the ants. Since I couldn't wait until tomorrow for the professionals to get here, I dragged out my Terro liquid ant baits and placed them around strategically. (so that I wouldn't step on/in them) And they ARE definitely baits. I went from a platoon of tiny ants to their complete army; it's nearly impossible for me to ignore an overwhelming number of ants running around in my kitchen. I know I'm not supposed to kill them and that the little buggers need to transport the sugar/borax back to their nest(s), but how can I resist squishing them? My bad.

Apparently, the only tulips thriving this year are the ones I least like--the reds. Ah, well, at least there's some color in my flowerbed. :) Today I called Teacher's Retirement and the Health Care Authority on my mom's behalf. I sat on hold while she fussed; my mother is SO impatient that she would not have waited. Afterward she thanked me profusely because she is now set up for her Medicare supplement, and the powers that be are aware of dad's death. It's a complicated story, but my parents' medical was tied to my dad's pension, which had no survivor benefit. Mom has also been dealing with her insurance company(PEMCO); when she informed them about dad, they told her they were raising her rates by $200. My parents had been with this company since 1958 and had ZERO claims! To make a long story short, Mom is now a customer of State Farm and will be paying $700 less per year for her car and house.  Next on our agenda: Social Security. As for Poochie's estate dealings, I have run up against too many brick walls lately, especially from the wealth management company. That's what happens when your financial advisor is about 100 years old and more interested in golfing in Arizona than in doing his job. However, now that I have the aforementioned advisor's assistant's email, I intend to be relentless. But oh how tired I am of the bureaucracy of death. 

I really do love the new highlights in my hair, although I'm still concerned about how much she thinned. I'm seeing a distinct resemblance to Joan Jett. ;)

Fortunately, my round brush and curling iron resuscitated some of my natural body, and as I've discovered during this pandemic, hair does grow! It'll be OK, right? Yesterday, while discussing our mutual friend's health struggles, Tonya wisely said, "At our age, isn't life starting to feel a bit like Russian Roulette?" It certainly seems like everything has become more dangerous, and our loved ones (including ourselves) more fragile. 

"The significance of the cherry blossom tree in Japanese culture goes back hundreds of years. In their country, the cherry blossom represents the fragility and the beauty of life. It's a reminder that life is almost overwhelmingly beautiful but that it is also tragically short."

— Homaro Cantu

The good, the bad and the ugly

I'll start with my first tulip bloom, and my debut effort with the portrait setting on my Iphone 12. (my 7 didn't have it!) It's been delightfully sunny and warm during the past two days, although quite chilly at night. I'm hoping that even more tulips will soon open up. The rain is coming tomorrow though, so they'd better hurry...

This beautiful hyacinth has completely bloomed and is very fragrant. A friend dropped it off on my porch with a thoughtful card. I've received many kind sympathy cards, a few donations to the library in memory of Dad, and even a communication from my estranged sister-in-law (Patt's sister, not my brother's wife). Her message was a lovely surprise, but I won't respond to it. That bridge has not just been burned down, it's also been blown up. 

I was obviously excited to get rid of some of this ugly hair...

Although I love how my stylist warmed up my too dark color with chocolate highlights, I didn't envision such a lot of thinning and layering. Modern day Mullet? There may be some tears tomorrow when I attempt to corral it with my round brush and curling iron. It is different, isn't it? And I will adjust. 

Several days ago I called my pest control service because I was seeing a few of those pesky small ants in the kitchen. So, a technician came to spray outside, but yesterday I contacted them again since there was still an occasional ant. "There aren't many now, but I don't want the rest of the army to arrive!" HAHA "I need to nip it in the bud before the colony hatches." LOL I must have forgotten to knock on wood because the FULL platoon of ants arrived this morning. The pest sprayers will be coming inside Thursday, and I'll need to vacate the premises for four hours. Mari will be shut up in Cat Jail upstairs for that amount of time which won't make her happy at all. 

However, the ugliest news by far is that this close friend of over 50 years has been diagnosed with multiple myeloma. She has a positive attitude and lots of support and love, as well as her unshakeable faith. However, my heart still hurts for her. 

 

 

What the eyes see

In the IPhone 12 pro I now have a camera that captures more accurately what my eyes see. However, while the 7 couldn't manage the vibrant colors of the spring flowers, the bright blue of the sky, or the distant beauty of our potentially lethal volcano, it also smoothed over some rough edges.

Either I have more wrinkles or a better camera? Before anyone notes that I'm wearing my Bluetooth headphones the wrong way, I did try them in the back. However, the movement of my hair pulls on the cord and dislodges the left one from my ear. It's not so bad when I'm walking, but when I'm running, fiddling with the earpiece is intolerable. So, I'll just look like a nerd who doesn't know how to properly wear the headphones. :) Speaking of hair, I have an appointment tomorrow and have NO idea what I'll be asking for. Although everyone loves my longer hair, it isn't ME when I see myself in the mirror.

The new phone camera takes a much clearer photo of Rainier in a split second out my car window at a red light. 

In spite of my dislike for yellow, this plant (weed? Scotch broom?) against the blue sky stopped me in my tracks, and it turned out just the way I saw it. 

I spotted this blooming tree (my horticultural knowledge is abysmal) out my car window at the Starbucks drive through. John would want me to fix the colors, touch it up, crop it, enhance it, etc. but I want to play with what the camera can produce without my intervention. I'm more interested in what I actually see, which was THIS. Or perhaps I'm just lazy? ;)

The Lindt bunny is now headless. This delicious chocolate came in handy while dealing with the stress from some family drama. My not-so-religious daughters versus my evangelical sister-in-law, who apparently doesn't know how to scroll past Instagram posts she doesn't agree with. So far, I haven't been dragged into it, nor has my mother. It's the wrong holiday, but bah, humbug anyway.