Stargazer

Stargazer in bloom

My Stargazer lily is beginning to flower, although it's been struggling the past few years, a little like me. I blame this mostly on the many tulip bulbs I planted in the same bed, which took energy away from my gorgeous lily. Like me though, Stargazer is very much alive, perhaps not as robust as she once was, but finding smaller ways to be beautiful. :)

Yesterday, John and I took the light rail up to the Seattle Aquarium because he had a free pass from the King County Library. What we didn't realize was that tourists flock to Seattle during our glorious summers (heard many languages), children are out of school, and many day camps take their kids to the aquarium...en masse. So, there were crowds, but also excitement when little ones spotted a huge octopus, playful river otters, and NEMO. In so many ways, we got a beautiful day.

There was even an anemone. It's hard to say that word, isn't it?

I love seahorses, which seem like fantasy creatures. And the world "under the sea" is so varied, colorful and unique.

Harbor seals look like water dogs to me. They are extremely graceful in the water!

We spent a long time watching the sea otters, which were adorable sleeping on their backs. This guy was definitely awake though!

They were so sweet! I didn't take pictures (or video) of the smaller river otters; they were playing ferociously, and it was hilarious and reminded me of water kitties. I also enjoyed the delight on the faces of the young aquarium visitors. What a great experience for them!

Then it was on to the waterfront for lunch. Since we'd seen live salmon and halibut at the aquarium, we ended up here, where John chose halibut fish and chips and I had Copper River salmon tacos. Sorry, fish! ;) We sat on the sunny deck and looked over the water, as we watched the ferries leave, and the Seattle Wheel turn. It was idyllic!

I wish it had been clear enough to see the Olympic mountains, but this was good enough. Carpe diem, eh?

Yesterday Ashley sent me a WhatsApp about her experiences in a Senegalese village, where she interviewed people about their experiences with a phosphate mine nearby. They told her how their kids all get sick, their animals and crops die, and that nothing survives there because of the mine. Yet they're compensated for none of this because the state and company don't admit that their village even exists. I felt impotent rage, as I always do when innocent people suffer injustice. What can we do to rectify this though? In my country, there appears to be "money" or more debt for military and other priorities(golf trips?), while 9-11 first responders are denied the benefits and care they desperately need for their medical issues. I've found myself angry and frustrated about so much lately. Thus, it was helpful that Ashley shared these goat pants with me today; she was probably joking about me wearing them for the Iowa goat yoga, but they're already on their way from amazon. They're quirky and fun, and exactly what will make me smile while doing goat yoga in Des Moines in 90+ degree weather. Well, maybe grimace?

Does this chair make my butt look big? :) I'm very glad that John and I had such a special time in Seattle; it's sort of distracting me from the reality of my younger daughter's move to Ohio in the next week. Writing out my feelings and worries has always helped me. Thanks for listening, Blogland. xoxo 
 

 

Untethered

Perhaps I spoke too soon of my happiness and my learning because today I woke up in a funk. John is busy with his family, and not much in touch(that's OK, but it does remind me of Henry), Alison is moving away soon, and the day stretched ahead of me with no plans and not much to do. OK, I COULD have cleaned, organized cabinets, and done yard work, but that wouldn't have cheered me up at all. 

Thankfully, there was this sweet girl who purred and cuddled this morning, as I played Wordscapes and Red Herring. After my run, I decided to deactivate Facebook(sorry, Donna!) because all the political uproar on there is making me feel even worse about the world. It's increasingly painful to read the rhetoric, the lies, and the excuses, which are followed by no consequences and more accusations. I'm tired and dispirited, as well as incredulous at what is being said and done; I'm constantly shocked that there are no real repercussions. It's starting to feel terrifyingly normal. I read an interview with George Will that discouraged me to the depths of my soul. GEORGE WILL! He's a conservative who doesn't see any hope for "unringing those bells or undoing the damage that this president has done to our culture, and civic discourse." :(  What's left for me then, with a MIA boyfriend (for the first time I feel a little insecure), a crazy country swinging hard to the authoritarian and racist right, and daughters too far away? 

Mani/pedi therapy, that's what. The latest Chet and Bernie mystery. Some therapeutic lawn mowing and yard work. They don't fix anything, but they do help pass the time and keep me occupied. Anything that prevents me from overthinking is a plus right now.

Things I've learned

These are random bits of Margaret "wisdom," in no specific order...

• As the saying goes, the only way out is through. I've learned that grief is a definite process; sadly, there are no shortcuts. Although I knew that Patt was dying and should have been prepared, it didn't lessen my pain at losing him. In spite of Henry's issues, I struggled through a different (but also agonizing) grief journey. Recovering had little to do with meeting John (a huge bonus!) but was more related to time, tears, deep thinking, and the support of many loved ones who listened, listened and then listened some more. In Blogland too, my friends stood figuratively by my side, sending me messages of love, sometimes much needed tough love, and making sure that I recognized my own worth. 
• On a related note, caring and connection can grow as you spend more time with a person. That has been a gift with John. I was very unsure of the relationship at first because I did meet him too soon after Henry.  I was aloof and insecure, and not sure that I was being fair to him or to myself. I'm happy (embarrassed?) to tell you that I've turned back into the human Golden Retriever, affectionate and excited for each new adventure! 
• A month from today I leave for Iowa, where I will probably die from the heat. I'm a Washingtonian, so high 90s and 100s are not my style. However, I've learned to take some risks, and to remain open to interesting opportunities. Ashley and Ryan will be there, as well as Ryan's parents, who live in Ottumwa. We'll attend this concert the evening I get there (never heard of this guy, have you?), attend the Iowa State Fair with its full size cow made out of butter, and even go to goat yoga. Ashley discovered that she could buy tickets to the yoga class from Senegal, and I thought, "Why not?" Now I'm wondering what one wears to goat yoga. ;) It'll be fun, right? 
• I've learned that it's never easy to say goodbye. Alison leaves for Ohio on July 26th; they qualified for the house they wanted to rent in a little town an hour away from Cincinnati. She seems happy about it, whereas I'm mopey. When I saw her new address 1,900 miles away from here, I couldn't stop tearing up. But this is part of her journey, possibly just a bumpy detour. I've been on a few of those myself, so who am I to judge her path?
• 
• This was my sister-in-law's 40th birthday party(my parents are in the second row, far right), but I couldn't be there since I'd already committed to John's family get together. I felt a little guilty about this, although it was my only chance to meet his older daughter, her husband and their two foster daughters.I've learned the hard way that I have to make choices, and that sometimes that means self-care, not just doing what is expected. As a first born child, I've tended to be overly dutiful and self-sacrificing. I had a wonderful time meeting people who are important to John, all of whom were close friends with his late wife, Christine. It could have been awkward, yet they were so welcoming, and excited to get to know me. They seem delighted to see John happy again! As well as learning to let go, I'm reluctantly learning that change is inevitable and that if I intend to find contentment, I'll need to accept that fact and roll with it. However, I also give myself permission to rail against it at times because that's how I am. :)

Magic

My life is not full of magical moments or days. It is generally decent, with times of joy, sorrow, stress and excitement mixed together. In other words, normal. Yet today I discovered that magic does exist...and it crept up on me. Although I still don't know what will happen down the road, I'm now feeling that magic with John, an unexpected gift after the shock and disappointment of Henry. I feel superstitious even writing this, so bear with me. I've loved and lost, and grown from it, I hope. There haven't been any words of love between John and me, yet today I felt an overwhelming sense of belonging to each other. Does that sound weird? Pretty cheesy, eh?

 

Yesterday I went up to John's house with the potato salad I made for his family party tomorrow, took photos of his flowers, and then we watched our latest obsession TV series "Dark-Season 2, Episode 2." The series is fascinating because I enjoy time travel and shows that make me think. However, it's so complex that it sort of breaks my brain. John has a synopsis, and a family tree of the complicated characters, which helps, but not always!

We played with his fish eye lens...

I volunteered to go with him to Sequim (a two hour drive) to fetch his 90 year old mother, so that she could be at his house to enjoy those precious moments with his older daughter, husband and foster daughters (up from Texas for a wedding), his younger daughter and family(newly moved here from North Carolina) and other friends and relatives. I expected just a road trip, but it was so much more.

With John it meant stopping here for the view and the Native American art shop. OK, I also had to use the restroom, but that wasn't the reason! ;)

If only I could pronounce this...

Living in Sequim, home of the Lavender Festival, his mom has lots of it around, so he cut some. It was so beautiful and fragrant!

We drove by some lavender farms, and stopped by here for a delicious lunch. It was all lovely!

John decided that we would come back from Sequim a different way via the Bainbridge Island ferry to Seattle instead of over the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. I've lived in Washington for 62 years, but never been on Bainbridge Island. It's gorgeous, and so was the ferry ride into Seattle. John's mother and I bonded, we all had a great time, and John told me afterward that having me with him helped 150% :)

We saw a couple of huge cruise ships on their way to Alaska. It's difficult to spot from my photo, but there's a slide on the top and we could watch people going down it. What a spectacular day!

Here are a couple of happy squinty faces. (it was sunny!) Since I'm realistic, I'll admit that I'm still pondering our feelings for each other. Tomorrow I'll be facing a huge family event, and meeting his older daughter and her family for the first time. But I truly believe that John has my back, as the saying goes. He appears to be in this relationship for the long haul, as am I. Most importantly, I'm happy.

Storm(s)

We've had a strange summer so far with no extremely hot weather. I'm thankful for that, although the lawn and plants definitely need the rain! Did I mention that we're also in a drought? The simple explanation is that our mountains didn't get enough snow, thus the summer melt that we depend on for water and irrigation is way below normal. However, today there was this...

It's difficult to take a photo of a torrential downpour with the rain bouncing off the deck. You can see that my petunias aren't fans of the rain. Hopefully, my tomatoes will survive. During a more typical July, I would be out here sitting at the table, reading and staying cool in 80-90 degrees. Since this area gets morning sun, it's a perfect afternoon spot to escape the heat. When it's only 70 degrees though, I would need a jacket. Today I would need a jacket, and an umbrella. :)

I admire this nicer weather photo of my deck plants, and think,"Oh, they look beautiful and have grown so much!" Of course, I also remind myself that my deck is looking like it needs to be re-stained in the near future. The joys of being a homeowner. 

John and I went to see "Toy Story 4" yesterday because it was $5.50 day at the cinema near his house. Even if the movie isn't great, that's a cheap price! We both enjoyed the film(him more than me), and then headed for dinner here. We sat at the bar, and shared these small plates. Although I love beets and goat cheese, this salad was missing something. Some balsamic perhaps? A bit of greenery? The lasagna was delicious! And the locally brewed Mac and Jack's African Amber Ale was A+!  As most of you figured out before I did(rebound emotions), John is such a lovely guy! Although I don't intend to discuss it much, there are some not-so-literal storms in my life that I'm trying to weather. Both daughters are in the midst of personal and professional tumult. It's tough to know what to say/do, and when to shut up be quiet. It's tricky to figure out when to be a cheerleader, and when to dispense Tough Love. Yet when one daughter texted me, "Tell me if you want me to stay," I responded that I couldn't make that decision for her, even though I'm nearly 100% sure she's making a mistake. (I didn't say that last part) Things seemed so much simpler when they were small; I'm not on board with the complexity of these adult storms. Sigh. 

 

Fireworks and the 4th

When I still taught, the 4th was a turning point of the summer, when it truly felt like I was on vacation. As the saying goes, for teachers June is Friday night with the relief from a stressful week/year, July is Saturday, the true part of the break, and August is Sunday, when all you can focus on is what you need to accomplish before school begins in September. Oh, I still tried to relax and enjoy August(my birthday month), but the To Do lists kept growing, and dates and deadlines were always at the back of my mind. Perhaps it's because I'm signed up for some trips, or it could be that I'm enjoying the flexibility, the extra walking, the time to read, the outings with John, but I'm finally CONTENT to be retired. I'm comfortable with my own schedule, and mostly busy enough not to fret about being a lazy slug! :) 

Since Alison and her boyfriend were flying to Texas(then driving to New Mexico) for his grandmother's funeral on the 4th, they asked if we could get together on the 3rd. I had lots of food already, it's legal to light off fireworks in my area, so why not? I don't know how much they spent on fireworks, but as I've already mentioned to Alison, "You won't have a job in two weeks. You're going to need to budget!" That has never been her strong suit...

This is probably my favorite photo that I captured. They had all sorts of mortars and artillery shells, which sound like rockets launching, but then turn into beauty. 

I love the flowering ones!

I even made a patriotic dessert of strawberry/blueberry shortcake. Don't get me started on our President's military parade though, OK? I identify as a lifelong American, but not always a proud one. Enough said.

On a brighter note, memes like this about a certain person's speech have made me howl ALL DAY.

Seriously, I just can't get enough!

I bought this shirt at the Gettysburg Harley Davidson store when Alison was in a gymnastics championship 13 years ago! I recently found a drawerful of old treasures tee-shirts, so I chose this ancient one to wear on the actual holiday.  It even has a hole in the armpit. ;) A couple of longtime friends and John came over; we had a wonderful time, delicious food, and interesting conversations. We played bocce(I lost) just like we used to on this holiday. The fireworks around us were spectacular...and FREE. The more I'm around John, the more fortunate I feel that he is my boyfriend! (a silly word though, isn't it?) Yet being with old friends who knew me from the beginning of my relationship with Patt 40 years ago, and a newish guy, it sometimes felt like a surreal juxtaposition of my past and present. We did all the same activities, but as different people, living changed lives. C'est la vie? We look back, we mourn for what was, and then we move on. Change, just like sh*t happens.

 

 

July reflections

Although I don't currently have a dog, we always used to have a couple of them. I think I'm too self-centered to take care of one, plus I have many travel plans. But seeing a picture like this makes me want the constant adoration of a dog. Mari is not the same...

Maine coons are a lot like dogs though! Ziguinchor aka Zig or Ziggy is shown here snuggling with Ryan as he/they WhatsApp(new verb!) with Ashley in the Casamance, where Ziguinchor is the largest city. She flies back to Dakar tomorrow, and I hope she's been enjoying the time with friends. It's her favorite place to live in Senegal!

John's younger daughter, her husband, and his granddaughter made it to his house after their own road trip from North Carolina. They're moving back here, and are very happy about that, as is John. Doesn't he look delighted?  :) He invited me up to visit with them, but I declined tactfully. It didn't feel quite right to intrude on their family reunion...

In the meantime, my younger daughter is getting ready to move to Cincinnati at the end of this month, which makes me unhappy/scared/stressed/sad, you name the negative emotion. I'm worried for her because of many reasons, including but not limited to the fragility of her relationship, the lack of job, the absence of any friends or family in Ohio, etc. I keep telling myself that I can't make decisions for a 29 year old, yet OH, HOW I WISH I COULD. I would have her back with Kramer in a heartbeat. I like this new guy, but I miss Kramer. By the way, we earned first place in a Trivia tournament, and a $25 gift card to Flanagan's pub. I will also miss these outings together. Sigh.

I'm not much for antique shops, although my town is full of them. Alison and I browsed around for a while; it seemed more like a museum than any place I would actually buy anything. I did roll my eyes over this old poster though! I wonder what our many females in the military would think of the sentiment? 

Do people still refer to marriage as that "old ball and chain?" Alison couldn't believe this wedding topper. Not exactly romantic, eh?

This rose, a gift from a long ago French Club, is blooming a ton this year. It's under my big rhododendron, thus I didn't even notice it! It reminds me that a year ago today was the last time I saw Henry when I ran into him at Starbucks. He was ghosting me horribly at the time, but we talked, and he called our accidental meeting fortuitous. According to him, he needed time and space to figure out whether he wanted to be in a relationship. When he was leaving, he grabbed me for a bear hug and a kiss, then did it again, almost compulsively. I felt hopeful that he would sort himself things out. If I could have looked ahead a month, I would have held on a bit longer, and told him that I loved him, and wished him well. But without really realizing it, I've grown and "flowered," and made a life with John. I'm not quite sure how that happened because it was gradual and I didn't notice. I'm grateful for this new relationship, although it did come after an ocean of tears and regret. Over the past couple of years, I've adapted the best I could to challenging and tragic situations. I thought I would be married forever, and then I wasn't. I believed Henry was my Chapter 2, but that fell apart. I'm finally at a place where I feel peace, mixed with nostalgia for my lost loves. They will always be part of who I am. 

 

 

Yesterday

Yesterday, John and I went to the film, "Yesterday," so I thought I would blog about it today. :) First of all, if you don't enjoy Beatles songs, a fantasy element, and sometimes silly rom coms, you shouldn't see it because you would hate it. I've been somewhat testy on Facebook when people expect "Rocket Man" (a musical fantasy view of Elton John) to be exactly the same style as "Bohemian Rhapsody" (a documentary-like film about Freddie Mercury). I loved them both! I've even written some tactful, but pointed comments to that effect. Am I turning into a crotchety old lady? I hope not, but are some on social media becoming increasingly annoying and ridiculously opinionated...or is it just me? Secondly, John and I laughed and cried(OK, I did) during "Yesterday," which makes it a worthwhile movie in my opinion. It's not Academy Award material, but it's cute and clever. I read a lot of literary books, and watch many profound movies, yet I also like a bit of fluff! After the movie, Happy Hour here was fantastic. We ordered three small plates to share(the mushrooms were the best!), and a couple of Half Lion's Albert's Amber Ales. It's such a treat to be retired and have Date Days instead of Date Nights. No crowds!

Speaking of literature, this Book Club read has been (by far) my favorite book of the year. I've always been entranced by mythology(huge Percy Jackson fan!), so I found the retelling of this goddess story absorbing and beautifully written.

Weather wise, we've had a bit of thunderstorm activity, but are headed into amazing high 70 degree sunshine for a week or so. It's been such a gorgeous June! I feel sorry for Europe with its record breaking and sizzling hot weather(over 100) and for Ashley, who just arrived in the Casamance to similar temperatures and brutal humidity. Still she has friends and research there, and it's a beautiful place, as I saw during my 2015 visit. I've never sweated so much though. It ran into my ears!

I bought this flag from my sister-in-law who paints on wood; it's the perfect 4th of July decoration because I can take it down when I'm tired of it. I'm not a huge fan of the holiday, although I've invited a couple of friends and John over for a buffet style dinner(make your own sandwiches and homemade potato salad); we'll play bocce, drink beer or whatever, chat, and watch others waste their money on fireworks. I'm 62 years old and have never bought fireworks, believe it or not! One of my best 4th of Julys was when Henry invited me to his family's get together on Anderson Island two years ago. It was incredible in many ways. But this year is going to be fabulous too, since these people want to celebrate with me in the present. Yesterday is the past, and I can't live there anymore.

My petunias are loving this warm weather...

And you can certainly see which colors I favor! So, what's happening in your world? xoxo

Intersection at the corner of bitter and sweet

Although I heartily disliked the book which inspired this title, the words do express my current feelings. It's quite challenging to accept change when the past and present intersect. I find myself pondering what is real, if anything truly can be in this ephemeral world. While out with a friend walking around my town, someone loudly called my name. It was Henry's sister, driving down the road, and she lit up at the sight of me. We exchanged a few quick words; after she had passed, I felt a sense of "esprit de l'escalier" because I wish I'd said, "GIVE MY BEST TO YOUR FAMILY." Sandy and I were very close, headed toward becoming good friends, had Henry not ruined it. It still makes me sad. I wonder what he told her and the rest of them about what happened with our relationship. I miss her a lot. It was jarring to revisit that past, and those emotions. We've all moved on, but it feels weird, you know? Then my friend and I had a delicious lunch here, where our server was someone who often waited on Henry and me. It was just a bit too much, and I felt rattled and off kilter. Thankfully, there was my friend's understanding to take me through those hard parts. There was also sweet and devoted John later that day. I didn't mention any of this to him, but being around him is always warm and comforting.  In my wisdom though, I've discovered that everything and everyone changes, including me. Fighting that, as I've been doing for much too long, causes nothing except misery, as well as impeding forward progress. I'm the sum of my past experiences and relationships, yet I'm still learning about the painful aspects of loss. Perhaps I always will be?

In mundane news, I floated my eggs yesterday since I tend to buy way more of them than I need! (four passed the test, but the vast majority failed) I was surprised at how many people didn't know about this trick: if they float, they are garbage. If they sink, they are still good! Note: before there were expiration dates on eggs, we had no clue that they EVER expired. I am amazed that any of us are still alive! :)

Last September, Jen flew all the way from Senegal to Seattle for Ashley's wedding. I'd never met her, and really liked her, and her mom, who came from New York. Today was Ashley's 33rd birthday, and she's in Dakar, so Jen(who lives in Senegal) took her to a fancy restaurant; they enjoyed a fabulous birthday dinner, drinks and dessert. Our WhatsApp convo was great because I could see her face, and hear her voice, but I'm happy that she got to go out and celebrate!

Here's the birthday girl, surprised about all her gateaux!

Don't they look delicious?

A big thank you to Jen for making Ashley's birthday special. xoxo

Ashley started out dating her junior year of high school with Curtis, who looked like Tiny Tim (my dad kept singing "Tiptoe through the Tulips"); Curtis had no sense of humor whatsoever, thus he fit poorly with our family, who all have lively senses of the ridiculous. Ashley and Curtis met in Art Club, and my artistic older daughter made her Senior Prom dress by designing it, tie dying the fabric, then sewing the dress together with my mom's help. As I'm sure you already realize, her outfit was unique at Prom! ;)

Now she's married to this guy, who has endeared himself to all of us, not only with his sense of humor and intelligence, but also because of his love for Ashley. But how did she get to be 33? I'm now officially as old as dirt. I guess life will always be bittersweet. How did I reach my advanced age without realizing that? Sigh.

 

 

Today

I started out my day at Starbucks, having coffee with my friend Marie. We seem to have many "interesting" experiences at the Lakewood Starbux, including a few years ago when I stepped in someone's excrement in the bathroom, and basically lost my mind. I was so grateful for Marie who fetched an employee, and was extremely supportive. But memories of that experience can still make me gag. Today it was the guy behind us playing loud music on his phone with NO headphones. Then Marie whispered to me, "I think he's only wearing boxer shorts." I turned around to look just as he left...in his boxers with about an inch of butt crack showing. Ack! Who needs Walmart? Another eclectically dressed man took his place, until an employee came up to inform this new fellow that he had a Non-Trespass order there, and needed to leave. Mumble, mumble. She went away, and about 10 minutes later he took off. Not too long after that, a bunch of Lakewood cops showed up, wearing plastic gloves, and searching the premises for him. Marie and I were giving each other googly eyes by this time! The police were very friendly, and thorough, although I do prefer motorcycle cops with their awesome pants and high black boots. Oh, well. ;) We have so many adventures, don't we?

I swear that I told the employee MARGARET. Perhaps I don't enunciate well? Or she is unfamiliar with my old-fashioned name? 

Today my daughter and her boyfriend treated me to lunch at Point Ruston at the new Korean gastropub. (tasty food, but somewhat too spicy for this wimp) I was also broken hearted to discover that G. did get the job in Cincinnati, thus they'll be moving there at the end of July. I got spoiled having her close! In my opinion, it's not a good idea for her to relocate to a place where she has no job, no friends and no family. I have many, many concerns. Although I stated my opinion, I have no real say in her decisions and as the saying goes, time will tell. Sigh. Ashley, Alison and I specialize in what we call "awkward hands, which appear quite obvious in this picture. It gave me a much needed laugh at least!

Most of my evening has been spent as a weepy mess, but I did manage to win the Wordscapes tourney this weekend. Cold comfort.

Today my guy finally returned from his cross country road trip. He sent me this photo of "The Bullitt" in his driveway, as well as a message that he can't wait to see me. We'll get together tomorrow, and catch up. I'm looking forward to it because I definitely need some therapeutic hugs. He's great at those comforting bear hugs. Now I'm getting emotional again, so I think it's time for bed.