Stargazer

Whelmed

Tempting though the title "overwhelmed" is, I'm handling things OK, for the time being anyway.  So, I chose a word I'd never heard of to describe a day that was well, a little whelming. Blue sky and sunshine meant yard work, which led to noticing all sorts of other projects that need to be done: siding that should be replaced, weeds everywhere, a deck missing some stain, an exterior paint job that's starting to look shabby...

But at least the shaggy front yard is mowed! It seems early for that, although our winter weather has been mild, thus many of the plants think it's already spring. 

VOILA my first crocus! 

I have quite a bit of lawn back here, and it was long and thick, so it took me a while. 16,000+ steps though! Today I also went to the dentist; it's usually a pleasant experience where they ooh and ahh over my gorgeous teeth, and my late grandfather's dental work. Before sealants, he put very small silver fillings in my molars which kept me from getting cavities; those fillings are over 50 years old. He was an excellent dentist, in spite of yelling at me about not flossing, which I still don't do. ;) However, I've been having some cold sensitivity and pain on my upper right side, thus, long story short, I have a tooth crack, and will evidently require a crown. I told them, "NO, I don't want it," and they laughed. They mentioned that I might need a root canal too, which I firmly refused. (they laughed again) I guess I was joking(?) but I've never had serious dental work, and I'm SCARED! Plus, I have a pile of property tax bills on my kitchen table, my tax information to go through and organize, all my kids need stable and fulfilling jobs(do they exist?), I'm now terrified to chew on my right side, and I'm definitely feeling whelmed. Perhaps, at times, overwhelmed. 

In spite of the stresses of travel, I'm delighted that I'll be seeing my girls in a couple weeks. Perhaps I'll get to see Baby move or kick? :) Right now, things are feeling like a bit much, so I'm thankful that my comfort kitty is sitting right next to me on the recliner. She is the bomb diggity!

Catching Up

I have a difficult time starting a post when I haven't blogged for a while. So.. hello everyone. My substitute teaching day Thursday was excellent, and I loved chatting with all my former colleagues. My teacher friend had left decent plans, except for two classes that had earned "free days." Nothing strikes terror into a substitute's heart more than those two words! However, the students were reasonably well-behaved, and most of all, they were friendly and kind. A successful day as a sub is when no one is mean, since that can be quite common when the regular teacher isn't there. Luckily, the students knew that I was friends with their teacher, as well as closely connected to many others in the school. Oh, and I also innocently mentioned that I'm pals with the 6'3" security guard. ;) Friday was VD day (not a fan!), but when John mentioned that neither one of us was "mushy, mushy," I informed him that I am actually one "mushy," as in I enjoy a little bit of fuss. That meant a casual dinner out at one of our favorite pubs, and an exchange of cards and our respective favorite candies. It was perfect!

In the meantime, these kids headed to a place I can't pronounce for some outdoor (cold) fun with friends. These are the Adirondacks. Even when I'm looking at the word, I sometimes get stuck in the middle of it!

It's gorgeous there, isn't it? When I showed my parents these photos, my dad, a typical Washingtonian, scoffed, "Those are just foothills." So, I fact checked him, and they ARE. Our Cascade foothills and the Adirondacks are at 4,000 feet. Hmmm. Still pretty!

A snow fort? Ashley is wearing so many layers. She hates being cold!

Being cozy inside is probably her preference. :)

These two went to a delicious looking dinner for VD day, and then to "Les Miserables" in downtown Cincinnati. Unlike her mother, Alison loves musical theater. 

February 15th I drove to our state capital (Olympia) for a Thurston County League of Women Voters event at the Bigelow House with my friend Becky. Happy 200th Birthday, Susan B. Anthony! The presentation reinforced for me that we need to model SBA's activism EVERY DAY, and resist losing the rights to which we are entitled. According to a recent completely undeserving award recipient, one of the biggest mistakes we've made as a country was giving women the right to vote. Wow, just wow. :(

SBA even visited here! In not so great news, I was asked my opinion by someone close to me, and gave it honestly. I very much doubt that it's made me very popular, and my thoughts will probably not change the outcome of the situation. Such is life, right? Even when you're 99.9% sure that someone is making a mistake, it's still theirs to work out and learn from. Sigh.

“If you have made mistakes, even serious ones; there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down.” – Mary Pickford 

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's off to work I go

I've had a bit too much time to think; that's not always a positive in my world, by the way. I've been tentatively planning to give up substitute teaching, which I don't enjoy much at all, nor do I need the money. My love for education always revolved around introducing students to French and the Francophone cultures around the world, as well as building relationships with them and getting to know who they were, not just as students, but as people. We shared music, art, films, holidays, conversations, and laughs. Admittedly, I'm a huge grammar nerd, and the students' eyes would sometimes glaze over while I rhapsodized about double object pronouns, subjunctive, relative pronouns, past tense, etc. They did enjoy my dances and songs to help them remember verb endings though...Substitute teaching is glorified babysitting. That said, without John around much lately(for legitimate reasons), I'm finding life a bit monotonous, and I'm feeling like the option of working should stay on the table. John tries to make me a priority, but he's been fighting a nasty cold, dealing with his brother's J's suicide and J's family, taking care of his granddaughter one day a week while his daughter works, spending time with his mother two hours away, etc. Frankly, he just doesn't have time for me right now. Sigh. So, tomorrow I am headed up to my old high school for a substitute job in Spanish, and will get to hang out a bit with my beloved world language department. Will I love getting up at 5 a.m.? Obviously not! And after 37 years as a teacher, wouldn't you expect that I would remember my morning routine? :) Should I make my coffee first or eat my muffin? What time do I need to take my bath? Will I be able to get my 10,000 steps in on my Fitbit? Very important questions, eh? My poor Mari will have no lap to sit on next to the fire tomorrow morning either because I'll be rushing out the door!

I am hopeful for spring. My tulips are coming...

My cyclamen, although battered by the rain, makes me happy every day. 

I haven't mentioned my younger daughter much lately, my Ohio girl. She was incredibly strong for me while her dad was dying, spending the night with me at the hospital and singing "Fire and Rain" for her dad when he requested it. She helped me pick out his niche, and tried to be home as much as she could. It cost her an extra quarter at school, but she did manage to finish with her B.S. in Mathematics.  Since his death, she's spent a year teaching in Korea (wonderful long chats on Skype), and a few years close to me where we could easily go out to lunch and happy hours. Now she's living with someone I don't approve of for a variety of reasons, yet she sounds content. I want to hope so anyway. Our closeness is gone, but not the love. As I realize more and more from reading friends' Facebook posts, parenting is never easy or simple! I have former colleagues dealing with children with severe depression, ADHD, no friends, no birthday party invitations, bullying issues, and other heavy duty problems. Sometimes my worries seem very trivial, but they are mine and I own them. In New York news, Older(Pregnant) Daughter and her husband have a crib to put together, so exciting! Have I ever told you how much I adore babies? :)

 

The Unexpected

Sometimes you go looking for one thing, and find some shocking surprises along the way, which has been the story of my genealogical research. (also known as: rattling skeletons in the closet) Without sharing too much detail...

My late mother-in-law was adopted from Alberta, Canada. When I received her adoption paperwork, and out of curiosity, pursued her biological parents’ line, this guy cropped up.

My husband's mom was illegitimate, but her mother married later, and had this son, born in 1929. As far as I know, he is still alive. No one had a clue in either family. I think these half siblings look amazingly alike!

I wasn't sure his family should tell him, but they wanted to, thus I established a correspondence with him. He sent me wonderful photos, like this one of four generations. His granddaughter (next to him) matches up to my older daughter DNA-wise. And the oddest thing is that two of his children are named Kathleen and Frederick. My husband(Fredrick) has a sister named Kathleen. Mind-blowing, eh?

Jumping to my dad's paternal side, the guy with the mustache in the middle is my dad's only surviving first cousin. When an unfamiliar name showed up in my dad's close DNA matches, I sent a message enquiring about the connection, and the response was: I don't know, I'm adopted. Long story short, Dad and I are 99% sure that his cousin D. is the father, and that he has no idea about the existence of this (possible) son. 

Although I've told the adoptee J. that D. has DNA tested on 23 and me, and that J. could find out answers that way, he hasn't done so...yet. I'm not sure that he wants to open up the closet or rattle that particular skeleton!

J. is in the foreground, and I definitely see a resemblance! He has a masters degree in anthropology and is an archeologist with the National Park Service, working a lot on Native American sites. I've talked to him on the phone, and it was an excellent conversation. Again, being an inquisitive type, I would want to KNOW the truth, but he is apparently fine with the mystery. Perhaps that's because he's an archeologist, used to dealing with uncertainties?

The unexpected in my life is that for the first time, I've gotten into watching Oscar nominated films and then the show itself.  Before 2018, I never saw anything but bits and pieces of it. Part of that is John, of course. He even printed out ballots so we could vote ahead of time! (we each got 11 right) Some bloggers and Facebookers have felt compelled to share that they don't watch the Oscars, and they've unloaded on it because a. it's boring (are you kidding? all those outfits, speeches, music and people watching!) b. it's political (sure, why not? they're not allowed to voice an opinion? I agree with most of the opinions expressed, so I am biased) c. only old movies and classy actors from the past are worth anything(really? Hollywood was WAY more scandalous back then, but it was hidden. Personally, I dislike those old time fake accents, and the overacting and general cheesiness) Nostalgia for a past era of "casting couches," rampant sexism and racism, extreme homophobia, and child abuse? Not for me, thanks! Now I'll subject you to give you a brief take on the winners, from someone who saw all the Best Picture nominees. I was surprised by "Parasite"'s win since it wasn't my favorite of the 9 at all. I was disappointed by Joaquin Phoenix's Best Actor award, although not shocked. I did NOT like "Joker" although it was a powerful film, and Phoenix's performance was outstanding. I was hoping for Jonathan Pryce for "The Two Popes" because he was luminous and mesmerizing in his role as Pope Francis. I was dumbfounded that "The Irishman" didn't get any awards; I found it masterful. My top three were "Jojo Rabbit" (who knew that I would love a Nazi satire?), "The Irishman," and "Ford v Ferrari." On the bottom are "Joker," "Parasite," and "Once Upon a Time in Hollywood." The rest fall somewhere in the middle. I appreciated each movie for different reasons, but in all of them I saw incredible acting, directing, filming, and costuming. So, now it's on to 2020! Hopefully, John will get well soon so that we can continue our cinematic exploration. :)

 

Families

Because John is still fighting his cold, and due to our torrential rains and flooding, I've been working on my ancestry again and following up some leads. Whenever people talk about the "good old days," I start laughing. Those olden times are full of dysfunctional families, illegitimate children, affairs, and all kinds of skullduggery. I love the word skullduggery, don't you?

This is my late husband's grandfather Fredrick, who was also married to a Margaret. (Note: my husband's actual name was Fredrick Patt) Weird, eh? Grandpa Fred was illegitimate, left on the doorstep of his maternal grandparents by his mother. Two years later she did the same thing with his baby sister, Lola. No one wanted the children, so by the time he was 14 and Lola was 12, Fredrick had dropped out of school to earn a living and support the two of them. Some people might find this admirable; I find it horrific. 

This is my husband's father, Willard (Mike) whom he closely resembled. He was married a number of times, and was much older than my mother-in-law. When they started running around together (not sure he was actually divorced), his two sons from his prior marriage got in the way, so they dumped them off at an orphanage. The rest of the family never forgave them for that. My mother-in-law left her own son with her ex-husband's family in Montana; they reared him, and she had little contact. Although she and we did establish a relationship with him later on, it was definitely a tricky situation. From what I hear from other amateur genealogists, none of these stories from the past is particularly unusual. 

I helped John babysit his granddaughter yesterday, since he's under the weather. She is adorable, but doesn't talk much (says "mama") and doesn't walk at over 17 months. Since both of mine were toddling around at 11 months, and talking up a storm by a year and a half, this seems strange to me. Babies develop at different speeds though, don't they? My two didn't potty train until 3 1/2 which didn't worry me, but did elicit unwelcome comments from others. I was just hoping that I didn't have to send them to kindergarten in diapers! ;) 

This shows her gorgeous curly red hair! John is handling his brother's suicide OK, although there is still a lot to arrange and deal with. He feels guilty that he doesn't feel sadder about J's death; he is much closer to his other brother D. You feel how you feel, trite words, right? BUT...feelings aren’t facts, as I also told John. He was always there for J.:a listening ear, help with his computer, rides to his cataract surgery and follow up appointments, able management of J’s disability trust, etc. Any who have met John or read my descriptions of him on this blog know that he is one of the kindest and most helpful people on the planet. He would deny that, but it's absolutely true! If J. had given any inkling that he was suicidal, John (and his brother D) would have been there in an instant. As for my family, there are some stresses, struggles, and worries at the moment. I tell myself, not that things will work out, but that they will work somehow, probably in unforeseen ways. I have to live with that uncertainty, as do all of us.  

February gloom

“Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship, which struggles on in the survivor’s mind toward some final resolution, some clear meaning, which it perhaps never finds.” ― Robert Woodruff Anderson

Although the weather has been stormy, I've spent mostly quiet, reflective days.  Since John is out of the picture for now, tied up with his brother's suicide and now a return of his nasty cold, I'm feeling single again, which in winter gives me too much time to brood. I start wondering if I'm cut out for this (or any) relationship. When I've talked to John, I've said all the wrong things. In spite of my experience with depression and suicide, I need to keep my mouth shut. Solitude has always been necessary for me, but too much of it becomes loneliness. And too much loneliness leads to self-pity, doesn't it? Guilty.

I haven't walked in the wind (too many trees!), but I've had to watch my feet in its aftermath. I've gotten tangled up in several branches and almost fallen. My raincoat and cap have been getting a workout on these rainy, snowy, and breezy days! 

February is our coldest month here, and the one where we're most likely to get snow. (in 2019 and in 2017 we got a TON!) My Facebook photos/memories are astonishing from those years. 2020 has just been these minor flurries! So far. ;)

My tulip bulbs have definitely awakened, so spring is on its way! I've committed to a two week Alaskan cruise in July with my friend, Becky. We sprung for a more expensive room with an ocean view and private deck. It will be lovely to have our coffee or drink out there, and (hopefully) admire the gorgeous scenery. I leave for my Cincinnati/New York trip in exactly a month, with another New York (baby) trip coming up in May/June. I'm reading some mindless mysteries, and playing Wordscapes. I'm trying to avoid politics because I'm angry, depressed and terrified about the state of the nation and its future. I wish I were more of a TV watcher because there are some excellent series on Netflix. But although I'm somewhat sedentary at times, I'm also very antsy and have trouble keeping still for that long! I'm hoping that my next post will be more uplifting, but I make no promises. Thanks for reading anyway. xoxo

02/02/2020

“You can't stop the future
You can't rewind the past
The only way to learn the secret
...is to press play.”
― Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

Today is my younger daughter's 30th birthday, but she's far away, so she's celebrating her special day with a boyfriend I don't approve of, in a state I've never had a desire to visit (but will!). I learned long ago, when Alison was competing in gymnastics, that I could discover fascinating and wonderful aspects of places that I'd never heard of, if I just looked! Thus, I will try to embrace this new experience... 

She loves to hike, and mountain climb. Unfortunately, she's somewhere with no mountains, and few hikes. Luckily, she found the Red River Gorge, two hours away in Kentucky, and it was beautiful there. She'll still find a way to be herself, right?

She's climbed Mount Adams twice, the first time with these guy friends, including her ex-boyfriend Kramer. (she's the short one!) I worried a lot when she did these adventurous things, but now I'm concerned about her losing herself and who she wants to be by NOT doing them. It doesn't make sense, does it?

In older daughter news, Baby is kicking, and rolling a lot these days, and I wish I could be there to see it/feel it. Again, living so far away from my family is HARD. They did send me a sound file of its heartbeat, and I've listened to that over and over. I'm very excited to meet this little person! :)

Our weather has cleared up a bit (SO MUCH RAIN), but the clouds did create this gorgeous sunrise, captured by a friend. I find the blue sky and sun extremely therapeutic. Today I was supposed to be watching the Super Bowl with John. I had ordered our pizza, and was ready to go...when he called. That's a bad sign because he usually texts. Although I know few details, his younger brother J. had taken his own life, and he was in the car on the way up there to deal with it, along with his other brother D. A tough, tough day. He's now driven his sister several hours away to his 91 year old mom's house, where they'll have to tell her that her youngest son is dead. I don't envy him the task. Did you know that one of my younger brothers killed himself? Because of that, I trained on a crisis line, and have some experience with these situations; I asked John several weeks ago if his brother had a weapon, and told him that I was worried about suicide. I hope he doesn't remember that he gently but firmly brushed my concerns aside. Their family will be handling a lot: J's two teenage daughters, his wife, the house, financial issues, grief, anger, guilt, and sadness. I've not been able to bring myself to watch the Super Bowl. I took a long walk, and am now hanging out with Mari, my comfort animal. As for my own life, I will continue to press "play" because as I found out a long time ago, there really is no "rewind" button. 

One Woman

John has been "sick" (which in Man World means a cold), and that has had the unfortunate consequence of over a week with no contact whatsoever. Unlike with Henry though, I haven't gotten too neurotic because John has kept in close touch through texts and phone calls. On the plus side, Mari is thrilled to have me home day and night, and is mostly in my lap or as near to me as possible. :) With my extra time, I've also delved into my late husband's ancestry (again!), making a few exciting discoveries about the parentage of his illegitimate grandfather. (not who I thought it was at all!) I've caught a cold of my own, although much less severe than John's, thanks to Zicam and Vitamin C; it hasn't prevented me from walking and running, even in the gray, rainy weather! But it's kept me more inside, thus I've been working my way through two Book Club books--both of them a struggle for different reasons. "Burial Rites" is fascinating and well-written, but when a book is based on a true event, and you know the depressing results of that? It's hard to stay engaged. "Three Women" has excellent reviews, and sounded interesting with its stories of three women (duh!) and their issues/adventures with their sexuality. How does an author make a book about sex boring? The three women are also anomalies, I hope?: one is having an affair with her teacher, one is involved in threesomes with her husband, and the last is rejected sexually by her husband, so she starts up an affair with a high school boyfriend. The writing is trying for literary, but is mostly obscure drivel. Honestly, I think I could write a better book about my friends and me, many of us widows or divorced, navigating the world of dating or not dating, societal (and our own) expectations of ourselves and our roles, and the inevitable decisions about how to deal with a sexual relationship in our 60s...or not. I'm sure "my book" has already been written many times, and would probably also be boring, but my friends and my stories seem MUCH more common and relatable than "Three Women." Do that many women have threesomes, and I'm just totally naïve?

Since life has been quiet, I've found beauty in small things. I pulled off the road to take a photo of the rainbows, but being the lousy photographer I am, I had to pilfer borrow this from a gentleman on a local "Being Neighborly" site. Double rainbows are spectacular! :) In daughter news, Ohio girl is headed to Kentucky (Red River Gorge) for her 30th birthday celebration. Thankfully, she's recovered from whatever bug she had (fever, malaise, lack of appetite), and will be able to hike, which is one of her favorite activities! New York Daughter, who is 5 months pregnant, enjoys tormenting me with texts about "good" names in their new baby naming book. Then she sends me "Bonar"(a boy's name, oh, dear!) and this:

We both wonder about the criteria for inclusion in this book...

 

Morphing

Yesterday I did something that I haven't done for nearly a year: I took a substitute teaching job for the day, which required getting up at 5 a.m.(to an alarm!) and also meant disrupting my normal lazy routine, as well as Mari's. The job was at my former high school, thus I got to schmooze with friends, catch up on news, collect many hugs, experience wonderful conversations and oh, yeah...deal with 150+ teenagers. :) Although the day went very well, and was special to me as a longtime member of the Ram Family,  it reinforced that I no longer want to teach (or possibly even sub?) and that as much as I loved the classroom, retirement is where I belong. I could write reams about the new technology, the kids' behavior and lack of consequences, the CELL PHONES, the stories from other teachers about how awful the sophomore class is (the worst!), etc. But it's best to just say that I've moved on, into a new life. I gave my school, students and colleagues everything I had, the best of me, but I'm not the same person who taught for 37 years. Have you noticed how we morph from one stage of our life to another? 

My "baby" will turn 30 soon! For some reason, 30 sounds way older than 29, doesn't it? Since change seems to be a theme lately, I'm not the same mother as I was with my husband alive, nor is she the same daughter. We're more protective of each other, yet also much more independent. For part of her birthday present I sent her these Seahawk team pants, and a shirt that didn't fit me. I didn't tell her that I bought the same leggings, except full length.  

I love the feathers down the sides. I do not love my veiny feet...

Today I attended my annual high school Glam Ram luncheon, which is always fascinating to me. We're certainly a disparate group of women, and sometimes I'm not quite sure how I fit in. Most of them are much more religious than I, as well as more conservative. Yet when we do our quick sharing time, I realize our commonalities: the joys and agonies of being a parent, the unexpected twists and turns of our paths, the pains of aging and watching our parents fade, and the losses of loved ones that come with this stage of life. As a widow, I was approached by several friends who have recently lost their husbands, or have very ill ones. They're looking for wisdom, and for reassurance that they can make it through. What do I share with them? I tell them that I am always trying to "find the good" as Heather Lende (one of my favorite authors) advises. I keep busy, and I let myself grow and change, even when it's scary. (like dating!) I'm not the same person I was 7 years ago when I lost my husband. I'm more outspoken, and more adventurous, perhaps a bit more selfish. I also say that, whenever possible, I try to say "yes" to new experiences. Looking back, I used to say "no" much too frequently because I've always tended to be very risk avoidant. However, I'm not necessarily that person any more, am I? I'm still me, but a different me than I used to be. And that's OK.

 

Into...

This time of year, I sometimes get into entertaining, but (to some) silly stuff, like:

Football playoffs. Normally, I don't care much about sports, but John and I have gotten into football, mostly because it's an excuse to get together, root for our favorite team (Seahawks!), eat snacks and good food, and drink a couple of beers. Since the Seahawks are out of the playoffs, we were split: John was rooting for San Francisco (never!) while I was firmly on the side of Green Bay. Please note my cheese head that I bought in Sheboygan, Wisconsin at one of Alison's gymnastics meets. I was crushing it because the Pack was sucking big time! What I appreciate about GB(my second favorite team) is that they are owned by the community, over 600,000 shareholders, instead of a wealthy businessman. Note: In the Superbowl, John and I are both supporting Kansas City because SF has already won too many Superbowls!

John and I are also into seeing all the Academy Award nominees for Best Picture, as well as a couple others with many nominations. I have one left ("Parasite") while he has "Little Women" too, which I saw with Ashley and Ryan. We're having a great time viewing the films, either at his house on Netflix or at the theater...with a Happy Hour and discussion afterward. We're planning an Oscars Party with the two of us, complete with ballots where we'll vote for what we think will win, and what our personal favorite is in that category. Are we nerdy, or what? :) But are we having fun? Absolutely! Of the films we've seen so far, I predict that "1917" will win Best Picture, but the one I would love to see take that prize is "Jojo Rabbit" which I'd never heard much about, didn't expect to like (WWII satire, really?), but fell in love with when we saw it at our local art house theater. I've enjoyed nearly all the films nominated ("Joker" was intense, but not enjoyable), and their variety has stretched my boundaries. This past weekend, we also saw "The Two Popes" because both Anthony Hopkins and Jonathan Pryce were nominated for acting awards. Jonathan Pryce, as Pope Francis, utterly blew me away. He was mesmerizing!

In spite of the rainy weather, I'm still into exercising. (even with an umbrella!) I finally got my new Fitbit bands, so now it doesn't fall off my wrist at inconvenient times. :)  I was very into Book Club today where we had an excellent discussion about "Virgil Wander," one of my favorite reads lately!  I'm not at all into the Impeachment "trial" which makes me feel frustrated, sad and impotent. What is this country devolving into? Sigh. I'm very much not into the current gun violence in Seattle, one of my favorite cities to visit. :(  Of course, as most of you already know, I would prefer fewer weapons in fewer people's hands. Life is always a mixed bag, isn't it? There are the ups and downs, the pluses and minuses, and a whole lot in between.