Stargazer

What We Carry

“I don't want to have these burdens. But I can't bear to turn them over to anyone else, either. Because, despite all the work, I like being in control of my own life.”
― Robin Hobb, Ship of Destiny

It took me a long time to realize that we're all carrying burdens and worries of some sort; there are simply people who hide it better than others. I'm not one of those. Yet it's comforting that we're in this sinking ship together although our issues vary between financial issues, loneliness, physical problems, emotional/mental distress, stress over loved ones (and decisions they make or don't make), or a combination of the aforementioned. Right now, I'm dealing with something potentially major that no one can help me with. Sometimes others can relieve some of the burden but this time I will need to carry it alone. Of course, my blog friends know that if this had to do with me, I would write about it here; since it doesn't, I'll just mention that I might be absent for a time. I'll need to process some sh*t things. Or I'll post cat photos and blog about nothings like I usually do. But I have to be honest that all is not sweetness and light chez moi. It probably isn't anywhere, is it? Have I ever mentioned that I absolutely hate drama? I'm a boring person. 

Yesterday I got to spend time with both grandsons (and my daughter and son-in-law) plus this sadly neglected cat. (he thinks) He found my lap and parked himself there! Littlest Guy is so smiley now, but wow, does he spit up a lot. Every clean sweatshirt I wear to their house is soon anointed. I don't mind.

My own girl is great company, except when she steals my recliner. Since I live alone, it's comforting to have a pet. She really does love me in her own feline way. :)

At least there is currently no talk of the S word and I see some sunny days among the chilly winter temperatures. I'll have to drag my turtlenecks back out though because I intend to keep walking whenever I possibly can. My mental and emotional health require it. Sigh. 

Scheduling

Although I should be scheduling a date for my colonoscopy (oh, joy!), I'm still waiting on the referral and figuring out how to juggle my mom's needs, my driver John's soon-to-be scheduled knee appointment, Book Club and time with the Littles. It's not like I can simply walk into the office and have the test! Plus, I'll have to pay hundreds for the "pleasure" of the procedure since it's considered diagnostic rather than preventative. It's complicated and stupid like many things in the insurance world and it makes me angry every time I think about it. However, I'm choosing to write about more positive things like our Thai take out family dinner last night. My mom is struggling but managed OK; she enjoyed seeing her adorable great-grandsons and loved sitting next to my fireplace. Littler Guy wanted to chase me all around the house; he was full of energy and friendliness. I'm not that energetic so he allowed me to walk while he ran. :) Baby is smiling a lot and cooing now; we were all entranced by his sweet looks and "words." I do wish that Younger Daughter would use her expensive medication for her rosacea although I didn't bring it up. For her whole life, until about two years ago, she had the most beautiful complexion. It's painful to see her this way yet I can't think of a tactful way to broach the subject. Should I even discuss it with her? I don't know. When does parenting get easier?

She's keeping busy with some healthy and interesting activities though. I hope she continues to bake, exercise and do other crafts since it lessens some of the worry I have for her. Sigh. I made bread once (unimpressive) and tried knitting a few times (impossible!). By the way, she'll be 33 in February, not 80. However, as a former gymnast her body probably feels about that age. 

And me? I'm mostly hanging out with Mari or walking, whether the sky is blue or cloudy or a little bit of both. Some cold or windy days I have to force myself outside. What's the saying: there's no bad weather, just bad gear?  I saw John last night at our family dinner and afterward we discussed the plans for his 50th anniversary Air Force trip; he's meeting up with his AF buddies in Arizona for a few weeks then going to Texas to stay with his older daughter. So, I'll need to schedule lots of activities for those weeks because I'll miss him. He's become an integral part of my life and family, even though I wasn't sure that's what I wanted at the beginning of our relationship. 

Sometimes circumstances take us in different directions than we expect, eh? I never would have imagined that I'd be wearing this putrid yellow coat constantly. But at least the drivers can see me...if they're not too focused on their cell phones that is. 

Speaking of unexpected, this Angeleno cat got the surprise of his life when he arrived in New York with his family. He'd never seen snow and obviously did NOT appreciate it. This photo was from this date four years ago. On my agenda for tonight is the latest episode of "All Creatures Great and Small." I must be the world's most unexciting person. I'm also wondering if I can stay up until 10 because I'm a little tired and out of sorts. Younger Daughter and I are both feeling like we're in our 80s! 

Checking In

Appointments lately. They are fraught with all kinds of rules and small print. For example, Older Daughter was turned away from her last pediatrician appointment because she showed up early--but not early enough. At today's two-month checkup for Littlest Guy, she arrived way ahead of time, only to wait an hour past her appointment to be seen. During that interminable hour with baby, she eavesdropped on a man being berated by the office staff; his crime: he hadn't gotten there a half hour before his appointment when it says on-line TWENTY MINUTES PRIOR. 25 minutes early is considered late?! I would have lost my you-know-what but this guy was polite in his rebuttal. Older Daughter really misses New York right now; they had a fabulous pediatrician there who saw them in a timely fashion and had kindly office staff. The new doctor is very pleasant though; she thought that Baby looked great (he does!) and that he's a Big Boy. (13 pounds, holy cow!) No wonder he's hard to carry around. :)

I had several appointments of my own this morning. I cleverly planned a needed oil change with a coffee date nearby. I could then walk to the Sbux since the weather was cold and sunny; it would be a very refreshing stroll with a lovely volcano mountain view! However, when I arrived at the Subaru and pulled into the bay, there were several deserted cars and no employees whatsoever. Using my text message from them, I checked in with my service advisor, waited around for a while (still no people), then left for my coffee date. An hour and a half later, I got a call from Subaru, wondering where I was and why I'd missed my appointment. Apparently, I was supposed to talk to someone before leaving (who?); they hadn't noticed my car sitting in the express service bay--nor did the advisor contact me when I checked in as instructed by both my email and their text. PLUS the oil change cost $132, up from $80ish in June. John thinks he should teach me to do the job myself, but I told him a firm no. My late husband tried to go that route and I was an inept and cranky pupil. 

Cat therapy, anyone? Speaking of crabby, there are several names that I never want to hear again. Harry and Meghan for two. I'm heartily sick of the hoopla and drama; now that he's written his "truth" (is there any such thing as a one-sided story?), can he/they please settle down to the life they claimed to want, away from the nasty press and even nastier family? The whole thing makes me ponder my own "truths" and how they're affected and distorted by my perceptions of events and people. Like everyone's. I could write at length about this, but it would be tedious. Suffice it to say, I'm neither on Team Harry/Meghan or Team Monarchy. I'm sure fault lies on both sides and doubt that, especially after such a damning tell-all, the relationships will ever be repaired. C'est la vie, n'est-ce pas? Another person I wish would disappear completely from the public eye is George Santos or whatever his name is. He's such a chronic liar that he's fast becoming a punchline, as well as an embarrassing stain on our political system. Are we living between the pages of The Onion? As I was telling Younger Daughter, I used to believe I was a people person but am now turning into a curmudgeonly misanthrope. 

To these sweet boys though, I am their loving Mémé and there's no place I'd rather be than here. Spending time with them makes (mostly) everything wonderful! 


 

Seasons

I had this post written (perfectly might I add!) in my head earlier in the day and now everything I wanted to talk about has vanished. So, I'll start with a photo of me walking--with my glasses darkened because...amongst the rainy moments, we've had sun and the crisp air of winter. When people ask me my favorite season, I have so much to choose from. Do I value more the diffused light of autumn and the changing trees, the comfort of a roaring fire and hot coffee in winter, the beauty of the budding spring or the usually temperate and sunny summer? That's why I respond that I love all the seasons for different reasons. If pressed, I'll name autumn by a whisker. Our fall of 2022 was spectacular after all.

Older Daughter and family lived across from the gorgeous campus of her college in New York so this primary school playground can't compare, but for Little Guy and his "lawn mower," it's a place to run and explore. And they now live 5 minutes away from a beach with views of bridges and mountains. So that's not too bad, is it? ;)

Do you like Ziggy's close up?

Or do you prefer this shot of Mari, trying to push my laptop off my lap because she wanted that spot? Mornings are definitely her snuggle time. 

I couldn't resist buying this shirt, but due to quality issues, ordering on-line is a literal crap shoot. It's very thin cotton, and nearly see-through. Luckily, I ordered black and not another color, right? Also, Geno Smith is a brown man, not white. And where is a player (Sue Bird) from the Seattle Storm, our professional women's basketball team? However, today while at the doctor's office with my mom, I spotted a guy in a bright green tee-shirt with big letters: "I work harder than an ugly stripper." Suddenly my tee-shirt didn't look so bad.

While on my walk this afternoon, I looked down the road and realized that it could be any season in this photo. You can't see that the sun is quickly going down just after 4 o'clock nor that I'm wearing my warmest coat. The Evergreen State can be deceiving! Next on my agenda for the week: trying to schedule a colonoscopy appointment (reluctantly), grandsons and dinner tomorrow, an oil change and coffee with a friend on Friday, and a family dinner Saturday, probably Thai take out. And time to enjoy my latest Book Club novel. 
 

My Boys

I'm a girl mom, but a boy grandma and I can think of nothing more wonderful. I grew up with three brothers and always expected to have a son. I wasn't disappointed with my daughters at all, yet having two grandsons gives me great joy and satisfaction. It brings my life full circle somehow. Today, Older Grandson was telling me a dramatic story about their "old" car (still stuck in Montana, a sore subject), "Our old car, we got in an accent (accident) but guess what, Mémé, Mommy and I got to drive in a tow truck. It was super cool!" I've never heard a 2 1/2-year-old use the expression "super cool." Or tell such an elaborate story, including how their car was winched onto the bed of the tow truck. With gestures. This was him today, waiting for me at the window for an hour and watching for my "blue tar(car)."

When I came into the house, he was beaming and jumping up and down with excitement. "Hi, Mémé!" I can't even explain how much I love this little sweetheart. 

What didn't I love? Getting all dressed up in my "lucky" Seahawks gear, sure that they would lose miserably, heading to John's for snacks and game watching, then letting myself hope for an upset at half-time (17-16 Seahawks) and finally crashing back to reality in the second half. If I could do a poop emoji on my laptop I would. Suffice it to say that I was bitterly disappointed although not surprised. Since I expected a 2- or 3-win season and the team went 9-8, I can't really complain. 

If only our beautiful baby had worn his Seahawks gear on game day instead of the day after! I doubt that it would have helped, but miracles can happen. ;) According to Older Daughter, neither of my boys will ever play football and I completely understand why. I feel the love in this photo, don't you?

Photo credit: Kelly Schakel

We've had a few gorgeous days lately although we're now in a rainy and gray period. And the temperatures have dropped into a more normal range for January. I love the winter views of Mt. Rainier, or Tahoma if you prefer. Some call her Mt. Doom because she's still an active and very dangerous volcano. I try not to think too much about that since she sits nearly in my backyard. 

 

Meanderings

Remember the dinner at my older daughter's a few days ago? I forgot to mention that John called me that afternoon when he was supposed to be picking me up; he was going to be very late and we both wondered if it would be faster if we drove separately. (it was) The old Margaret might have sniped a little about having to change our plans because he couldn't get here on time. The better version of me told him to drive carefully and that I would see him soon. What he didn't tell me was that he was way behind schedule because one of his uncles had died and he needed to let his mother know in person. Another uncle has been in and out of the hospital since December. His youngest uncle's wife was at Urgent Care. And on top of all of that, John's been nursing a very painful knee, the one that wasn't replaced. Yet he doesn't complain or get rattled by any of this! Note: John comes from a big Catholic family although he is no longer Catholic. All of his aunts and uncles went into helping professions: a child psychologist, a marriage and family counselor, a nun, a priest and two registered nurses. John married a school psychologist and after his divorce, a social worker. His daughters are a social worker and an RN. And John? He was the lead in an electronics lab at Boeing and worked with missiles, not helping people. :) By the way, I think John strongly resembles his late uncle, don't you?

Last night Younger Daughter and I started watching the Junior Bake Off which we both enjoyed although not as much as the adult version. Even I could make some of their cooking projects; they would probably look just as awful too! Mari decided to get friendly with YD who was a little nervous that the cat might eventually realize that although she looks like me, she's NOT the same person. 

This morning a friend and I brunched (is that a word?) at her local French pâtisserie. The spinach and feta quiche and shared walnut caramel tart were delicious although the mocha was not up to my chocolatey standards. I'm extremely disappointed in the anti-union attitude of Sbux, and in Howard You-Know-Who yet they use a stronger and better chocolate than most cafés. Besides the wonderful coffee shop in my kitchen. ;)

My friend got this expensive and luxurious Advent calendar; I want one just like it next year. For a mere $200. The list of candies for each day is SO enticing...

It even has lights!

Speaking of lights, this little smiley dude is one of the lights of my life. Isn't he precious?

For your information, my hair looked great this morning. Unfortunately, my coiffure doesn't like the currently rainy weather. If you're wondering why I don't move to a drier climate, I do like the rain. I enjoy the fresh smell of the air and all the green. I draw the line at the moss in the lawn though which I do NOT care for. 

On an informational note (for you, Doug), here are our 8 cent Washingtonian grocery bags; they are re-usable and re-cyclable. I use them to clean out the litter box (ick) and to line my garbage cans. Since I do pick-up, I have to buy these bags (versus the other re-usable ones) but I would need them anyway, so I'm fine with paying my 8 cents. At least they're really thick and I've had no litter-falling-on-the-hardwood accidents lately. I'm thankful for small favors! :)

 

Things Unsaid

Long-time blog friends already know this, but I've traveled a lot in spite of yesterday's whining. In 2019 I made it to my dream locale, Scotland, and the trip was more than I ever could have hoped for. Such an incredible place with wonderful people, food and scenery. In 2020 I was planning to visit Ireland. I think you can figure out where that went. However, during those early pandemic days, I was gifted with a beautiful grandson. In New York, 2,800 miles away from me. In the past decade or so, I've spent most of my flying time getting to my daughters/grandson and not necessarily going on "vacation": Los Angeles, Senegal, New York City and state, Ohio, Iowa, South Korea and several of these multiple times. And although they weren't on my travel list, I treasure the special memories of each trip and learned a lot about the various cities and states I visited. So, if I sounded like the proverbial sour grapes in the last post, I apologize. I've been very fortunate and I'm thankful for all of these experiences. (but I do still want to get to Ireland some day...)

I don't know how many are aware that I've rented out my former rambler home for the past 26 years or that my younger daughter is moving into it as soon as some work gets done. My late husband would be delighted about a family member in his beloved first house whereas I have more mixed feelings. Will she keep up the yard? Will on/off boyfriend move in there with her, rent free? How will she deal with crazy neighbor Bob? I use a property manager and have stressed to her that she has to go through them and not call me up at 2 a.m. over a plumbing issue. We'll see, I guess. In the meantime, the whole interior is getting painted in orca white. 

Everything except the bedrooms will be this wood-looking vinyl. Note: the carpet in the house is about 20 years old--still in fairly decent shape but OLD. I'm excited to see how it all turns out although viewing the updates through my late husband's critical eyes, I'm sure the workmanship won't be as high a standard as if he had done it. So, my excitement is tempered with a hefty dose of realism! Regarding last night's dinner, I didn't get a single shot since I was busy playing with Little Guy, holding Littler Guy when I could muscle him away from the other guests and helping out where I could. It was magical to have the nearly two-month-old beaming some social smiles at his Mémé. My heart melted! The cupcakes were tasty, but OMG was that frosting ever sweet. It made my teeth ache. In our local news lately has been this tragedy which has made me think about my own brother's suicide and about my time volunteering on the Crisis Line. It fascinates me that one family has chosen openness and activism while the other one has decided to try to hide (or bury) what happened. I understand the need for privacy but after my Crisis Line training, am concerned about the quest for secrecy. Things unsaid can lead down a dark path. 

Missing out

Some friends are traveling constantly and visiting many exciting places while others are doing all sorts of interesting crafts, hobbies and activities. I feel like a really Dull Dog in comparison. It seems like most other people have their sh*t together much more than I do. Is that an illusion, or just self-pity? I enjoy my occasional coffee dates, dinners out at my older daughter's (tonight for example), good books, kitty snuggles, and times with John. My friend circle has definitely shrunk since the beginning of the pandemic with many of us (including me) establishing new routines, boundaries and pursuits. Although I'm not a huge fan of change, I'll reluctantly acknowledge the potential for growth in these events. VERY reluctantly!

Speaking of missing out, the sunset wasn't spectacular where I am but was lovely other places. Little Guy admired the pretty pink sky!

Poor Ziggy has been needy of attention with the uproar of an active toddler and a new baby in the household. He's an expert at wedging himself into uncomfortable spots!

Unlike Ziggy I try to express my angsty feelings in a more positive way. Luckily, there isn't currently a toilet paper shortage. 

On my way back from coffee yesterday, I happened to drive by a cupcake place and thought about dessert for tonight's dinner. ;) So, we have salted caramel, lemonlicious, peanut butter fudge, snickerdoodle, s'mores, cookies and cream, raspberry coconut and red velvet. Have I mentioned that I have trouble making decisions? Note: I was hoping that my doctor had forgotten that I'm due for a colonoscopy. (she did) But guess who NEVER forgets? Dr. Manam, the gastroenterologist. Sigh. 

 

The After Rant

I spotted this on another blog and found it extremely fitting for my current situation. Although I value my health, I also want to have a life where I can occasionally have a drink, a treat or a lazy day. I listened to a youngish doctor this morning who said, after she gained some weight, "I decided to give up gluten, carbs and dairy." Probably sugar too although I don't remember her listing that. And I thought (excuse my language), "OH, H*LL NO!"

I was overly hopeful about the blue sky although at least I made it out for a walk before the torrential downpour. Yesterday John and I babysat his younger two granddaughters so their parents could get out for dinner and ice cream. I had a great time but am even more convinced and saddened that the neurodivergent 4 1/2-year-old desperately needs lots of therapy. I also hope that John's daughter discusses this issue with him soon; as kind as John is, he gets impatient and doesn't understand this granddaughter's behaviors at all. I think that part of him is in denial. And I'm observing some definite favoritism toward the younger granddaughter who is bubbly, funny and communicative. I hate to see that.  

Positives are, as always, my sweet little guys and supportive family and friends, including blog ones who came out in force to commiserate with my ranting (venting) on my last post. Thank you! I'm also grateful for John who generally isn't romantic or demonstrative but told me yesterday when I joked about his lack of lucky Seahawks gear, "Hey, I'm a lucky guy. I met you, didn't I?" I was actually struck speechless, an unusual occurrence for me! And my Seattle Seahawks did not disappoint my lucky jersey, feathered leggings and green socks; not only did they win, but so did the Lions (against the Packers), thus Seattle is now into the playoffs. They'll be shellacked beat by the San Francisco 49ers in the first round, but if you had told me at the beginning of the season that they would even qualify for the playoffs, I would've laughed in your face. Then I would have called you crazy. John and I have spent many hours cheering, celebrating, yelling obscenities at the TV because of the defense or offense or both and eating/drinking tasty things. (too many of them according to the doctor) No matter what the outcome, it's been an unexpectedly fun season. :)

Winter Doldrums

I no longer wonder why so many (like my brother) refuse to go to the doctor unless they're forced to. Because no news is sometimes good news, right? There are people like me who work hard to TRY to eat and drink the right things, as well as exercise as much as possible and we still get burned. OK, I haven't been walking or running anywhere near as much as I should in the past year or so due to family obligations, weather excuses and the power of inertia. But generally, I'm a moderate person with moderate habits. And not-so-great genetics. Sometimes I wonder why I even make the effort; although none of my numbers were critical, too many were up from where I wanted them to be. It was eye-opening to realize that I'm a slightly overweight (sadly!) pre-diabetic elderly woman with high cholesterol. I have to start viewing myself through a new lens and I HATE IT. At least my blood pressure was 107/70, whoopee. (sarcasm) Thankfully, I've been spending lots of cuddling and playing time with my grandsons which does bring light and happiness into the current darkness. 

 

In a smaller but real frustration, I ordered this WWU sweatshirt to replace my beloved falling apart one and it's thin instead of thick. Plus, it has the crazy Viking on it. Littler Guy made his opinion of it very clear by spitting up on it immediately. Of course, he tends to anoint all my clothing! Can't anyone make a high-quality sweatshirt these days? I've also finished "Demon Copperhead" and am in withdrawal; it was truly a masterpiece. I was (and still am) completely immersed in the story, the setting and the characters! Finally, I can't escape that my mom is floundering, and that I need to kick my own butt in gear. And that aging is rarely pretty or graceful.