Stargazer

Jumbled

I had an ah hah moment the other day, but then forget what it was. I wanted to wait until I found the magic words, but they aren't coming to me. In fact, blogging isn't feeling natural right now, and I don't understand why. Writing is therapeutic for me, so I need to put some words on this page, just for me, not for my readers. Life has been mostly full, with friend coffee dates, lunch get togethers with a college friend and fellow retirees from my high school, and time with John, now home from North Carolina. I was glad to pick him up from the airport last night, although his delight in seeing me reminded me (sadly) of my Golden Retriever attitude to Henry. It feels like it's switched now with me more cautious and withdrawn, and John eager to get closer. It's hard, but a few things have helped. One was running into a guy I see frequently on his walk with his dogs and partner, and chatting for a long time. He was married for 21 years, then met his current husband of 33 years; we discussed that our experiences, whether they work out or not, shape who we are. And what we might consider "mistakes" are really growth, albeit in a painful way. Imagine this guy and me standing in Albertsons grocery store having this deep conversation! (story of my life) He also shared that his husband is a flight attendant for Alaska Airlines, my favorite, and that every time they see me running or walking, I remind them poignantly of a close flight attendant friend who just recently died at 61 of an aneurysm. I apparently resemble her quite a bit. How does one respond to that? I gave him a big hug because that's my way. 

A Scottish blog friend mailed me a copy of "The Scotsman" from Edinburgh because this article made her think of my family, who is related to Hugh MacDiarmid aka Christopher Murray Grieve. Chris was my grandfather's first cousin, and was such a radical among the staid brick masons and other straight laced Grieves that he was rarely mentioned in my family, except as a real black sheep. What an honor for his poetry to be featured in Alexander McCall Smith's Scottish poetry anthology! I saw McCall Smith speak in Tacoma years ago with Tonya; he wore a kilt, and was so charming and funny. It was a wonderful evening!

Here is my 90 year old dad reading the article. He was very touched, and intrigued. None of us realized that our black sheep cousin was so well-known in Scotland. :) My plans for the rest of the week are to see this film with a couple friends tomorrow, then Friday John and I will go out to dinner, and to this comedy show. He already had the tickets before he met me, but I'm game to give it a try, in spite of not really being into live comedy. And I've been guilty of snooping around on Facebook, thus I found out that one of Henry's daughters now has a boyfriend, which I would love to discuss with him. It still feels incredibly weird to be cut off from him; he is still on my mind way too much. Not healthy, I know. :( This blog post by someone named Paula helped me a lot, especially this part: "Understand ending things with someone who they know in their heart deserves the best but they can’t be that person is extremely difficult.
Understand the uncertainty someone feels and the doubts leading up to it is hard to come to terms with, let alone act on.
Understand their heart probably broke a little ending things too. Try and understand before you react. Because there is something to be said about the type of person who lets you go not because of something you’ve done wrong or a mistake you made, but because they know you deserve better. A type of better they can’t be because of things they are dealing with. Understand you did nothing wrong but love someone with everything you had in you who wasn’t ready." 

It still breaks my heart that it didn't work out with Henry, yet I'm realizing the benefits of being with a stable, kind and caring guy, even though John isn't the person I envisioned myself with. However, because John cares about me and for me, I'll move forward into this relationship, although with my heart still bruised and my confidence a bit shattered. It's all part of adapting to my new reality, isn't it? 
 

 

TGTEO=Thank god the election's over

It's Friday, and I'm finally recovered from the election hoopla. However, there's still so much anger and dissention boiling through the news, isn't there? Have our morals and ethics really been as twisted and lost as I fear? We get bombarded daily with partisan politics, jolted by yet another horrific mass shooting in California, told that truth and justice are relative, and face incivility, illogic, lying and hypocrisy in our so-called leaders, and even in ourselves. Although there was no Blue Wave(some ripples though), and I was terribly disappointed by some of the results of the midterms, I was heartened by the election of an Issaquah female doctor; she was the first Dem to win in the heavily gerrymandered 8th district. It covers bits and pieces of 4 disparate counties from the west to the east, and is 80% white. Sadly, the eastern part of our state also re-elected this guy, who advocates for a violent Holy War against any non-Christians or those who won't adhere to Christian precepts. You just can't make this sh*t up.  Anyway, the elections are over for now, and it's back to "regular" life. Is there such a thing? If you're wondering how I felt about the latest "A Star is Born," I enjoyed it, and liked it, but didn't love it. I can't explain why. Lady Gaga was mesmerizing, Bradley Cooper was excellent(he sure does resemble Jeff Bridges!) and Sam Elliot was very well cast. My 28 year old daughter said to me afterward, "I can see why Sam Elliot is hot to ladies your age, Mom." That made me laugh!

This dianthus had tons of flowers this summer, but now it's November and the temperatures are getting chilly. (below freezing at night) So, why is it still trying to bloom? I read that as a sign to be strong and resilient, as much as I can manage in these times of dark and cold. I still struggle to understand what happened with Henry, and it seems unbelievable to me that our relationship ended the way it did. But the tears are fewer, and the devastation more of an ache than an agonizing emotional pain. Progress, right?

I'm not sure if rebound relationships ever work, but John is such a lovely man. He sent me this photo from North Carolina where he's spending five days with his younger daughter, her husband and their new baby. He has a kind, and caring face, doesn't he? I really do like him. Yet for me there remains an unanswerable question: how can it be that those we love, we are sometimes not meant to be with? I loved Patt, and he is gone. I cared deeply for Henry, and he is also gone. I no longer trust the idea of happiness. I'll enjoy what I can, and have fun with my friends and family, including this new boyfriend. The pressure to be happy and the hurt of being blindsided have cured me of any illusions, and released me to live more completely in the moment. I guess I'm thankful for that, although I miss the joy. 

 

November thoughts

But the past cannot be changed, and we carry our choices with us, forward, into the unknown. We can only move on.
- Libba Bray

As Election Day looms, I feel less sanguine about the results than many others. I remember how most of my family and friends believed that Clinton would be President in 2016, even my cynical older daughter. With a good number of conservatives on my Facebook, I kept telling people how nervous I was; the Republicans seemed utterly entranced and passionate about you-know-who while the support for Clinton seemed much more lukewarm. Then when the election results started coming in, and I saw the impossibility of a D victory, even with all of our west coast states blue, I texted Henry in despair. He assured me that it would all be fine, which it wasn't. (and it hasn't been since) Thus, when people talk about a Blue Wave, I get a bit edgy. In fact, those same conservative FB friends are predicting a Red Wave. If that actually happens, it will be tempting to sell up and move out of this country. I'll certainly want to, but realistically it can't happen with my elderly parents 3 minutes away, my large and supportive circle of friends, and my local connections. But I will WISH TO. Speaking of Henry, it's weird and sad to feel him fade slowly out of my life; I still wonder how he's doing, what he's been up to, if he's dating, how his family is, if any of his chickens turned out to be roosters, how he's feeling about politics, the latest movies, good books he's read, etc. The connection is sadly broken, yet in my heart, he's still very present. On the other hand, John is a unexpected gift, and we're having wonderful times. As I told him last night (among other things), I would have preferred to meet him six months from now, after processing what went wrong with Henry. John has had a number of girlfriends, whereas I've only had Henry. We are open about those relationships, although when we discuss the intimacies of them, it can become rather tricky. But when he asks me direct questions, I need to be honest, right? Making choices can be agonizing, and moving on extremely challenging. I'm still finding my way.

Our fall colors have been spectacular, I have a cozy fire burning in the fireplace and many interesting books to read, as well as a couple of dates to look forward to: coffee with a friend tomorrow, then a date with John, who is leaving for North Carolina Thursday. Wednesday, I'm meeting Alison in Federal Way to see this film, which I've wanted to do for weeks! But sunset before 5 p.m. is going to be difficult to adjust to. I really despise this hour time change, and the literal and metaphorical darkness it brings. However, I do have much to be thankful for, and as always, will deal with setbacks the best I can. If things go horribly tomorrow, send beer, OK? I drink amber ales. :)
 

Halloweeny things

In the present day, I wore my Star Trek shirt all day yesterday (no worries about the dangerous red, it's a Next Generation version), even up to my former high school. Black leggings and boots completed the outfit, and I got many amused stares. I was there to drop off some donations for our annual "Winter Wishes" assembly; a colleague sent me a list of requests and I filled several. Would I pay for a kid's driver's ed classes? No, if they can't afford that, how will they manage a car and insurance? The short answer is that the student will get a low paying job, work too many hours to have said car and insurance, miss school, or come exhausted, and not have time to do school work. Lest you call me cynical, I saw it happen OVER and OVER again. Perhaps I'm just crotchety because I had to ride the school bus into my senior year, and didn't own a car until I was 21 because I needed it for student teaching. Harrumph. I also won't buy an iPhone for a student, no matter how much s/he wants one. Believe it or not, there are many kids who request one from Winter Wishes. On the other hand, if a kid's friend asks for a warm jacket for him because he bikes to school every day, I'm all over that! When a student wishes for a grocery card for a friend due to lack of food in that child's home, I will absolutely help.

 

In the past, my brother and his family got VERY dressed up for Halloween, and this photo is a classic from 2009. When they showed up at my house, I thought my neighbors were going to faint. My brother is already tall; add Captain Hook "high heels" and a big hat, and he is quite imposing. This is one of my all time favorite Halloween pics! Isn't it hilarious? :)

This little guy and his mom and dad(two former students who met in my class!) stopped by to trick or treat. Mike is a Trump fan, whereas I am definitely NOT. But I am an important person in his life; any time there is a weather threat, he calls me to find out if I need anything or if he can help. I was delighted to attend the baby shower for their second boy, due December 24th. It's one of the beauties of teaching-the relationships that we build, often with our unlikeliest students. And when he left my house, I got a big hug, with a heartfelt "I love you." 

The wind is blowing, and the rain is falling, thus this will probably be my last photo of the gorgeous leaves in my neighborhood. Fall has been spectacular, but now we face winter. I'm thinking of the holidays, which are difficult for me, the darkness which makes me want to hibernate, and my memories of past joys which make me nostalgic. Neither of my girls will be here for Thanksgiving, and I'm not as jolly at Christmas as some people would like. I'm also a terribly inept gift giver. Sigh.

John was over for chili and cornbread last night(he brought a yummy salad) and this morning we (mostly he) cleaned off my fireplace glass and vacuumed out all the dust. It's an old gas insert, but in spite of its age, it looks SO much better. I wish I'd taken before and after photos! If you believe in "love languages," one of John's is definitely service. He always wants to help and do things for/with me. I'm not sure how I feel about that...but it's growing on me. ;) If you're not my Facebook friend, you haven't seen this amazing video of my parents' hometown bakery; it's a beloved institution there. My folks have reminisced about the people, as well as shared the history of their towns and the bakery itself. Since my grandparents lived in Cle Elum and Roslyn, I grew up on the Dutch Crunch, French bread, pecan maple rolls and torcettis. The more I do genealogy, the more I treasure these stories of the past. I also hope that I can provide the same link to those experiences for my own children.

The Space Between Us

Yesterday, John and I saw this incredible film, which made me ponder the concept of space. Although the movie was about Neil Armstrong and space travel, I can't help thinking about the space between people, and the space within ourselves. Armstrong was a very private and repressed man who, after losing many astronaut friends, retreated even more into his own secret mind and heart. As successful as he was, he didn't ever seem completely happy. In spite of the risks of moving forward, I don't want to be as closed up and distant as he was. A 5 year old defined happiness in an article I read recently, ""I think happiness is like when you're comfortable. Like when you just feel very warm and very comfortable." To that end, I will share some thoughts. I'm becoming more comfortable with my life, although I still hurt over the infinite space between me and that person with whom I was both physically and emotionally intimate. It's a strange dynamic, and one I will never understand. There have been other major stresses going on too that I don't discuss on the blog, one of which has been lifted from my shoulders. I'll just say that it involves someone close to me, and a medical issue and leave it at that. I hadn't realized how much that worry and fear were weighing me down until I got the positive news about this particular situation. The piling on of emotional issues this summer was extremely tough to deal with. According to Forrest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."

I love coffee dates with my friends, like my former student Phil "Pierre" who brought me this book to remind me of my classroom serenades, "Au Clair de la Lune, mon ami Pierrot..." and who now shares his adventures and annoyances with classroom teaching... English in a junior high. Mon dieu. The kids are so out of control! And Sunday I spent with my steadfast and caring friend Marie whom I met randomly through blogging; she's always so supportive and great to talk to. Plus, she showed me lots of gorgeous cats on Instagram, and we laughed (or whined!) about people, school and politics. OMG, politics and the state of the nation are making me a cynical, angry mess!

My parents made me giggle by dragging out these ancient brandies and liqueurs because according to my mom," I can't believe you still have this sh*t!" My dad's response, "Let's kill our moles by dumping it down their tunnels." Then we envisioned some moles getting very drunk on eau de vie, and laughed some more.

I'm rusty at making my homemade chili since I don't use a recipe, thus I'm not sure how this will turn out. I'm hoping it will at least be edible! John is coming over on Halloween, and I offered him this meal as well as cornbread and beer. He's delighted to spend time together, and the space between us is shrinking. The space within me will probably always be there, but I'm filling it with those who truly love me and find me important. And if happiness is being comfortable and warm, well, I'm getting there. :)
 

 

Processing

I'm working on the difference between enjoying my life, and being happy. I'm trying to be content with simple enjoyment, while moving on from that. Thus, I'm keeping busy with many activities like films, coffee dates, lunches out, etc.; while I'm thankful for that, I continue to feel sad and lost in my darkest moments. Am I better? Yes, sometimes, but other times worse. I'm not going to even attempt to explain it, except to note that I'm also dealing with the enormous baggage of being rejected, dumped and blindsided for the first time ever. John is a great guy, very caring and interested in me, yet it really is too soon, isn't it? I'm so very frustrated with myself, and my decisions lately! However, our fall has been spectacular, so I've loved the colors, the walks and the sunshine. (which is now gone, but it is the end of October!) I've also been substituting a bit more, including in my beloved old building. The hugs and love I got from staff and from some of my former students were heartwarming. I miss my work home, and the "family" that came along with it. *sniff*

While I agonize over hurtful events, others in my life suffer pain in their own struggles : elderly parent(s), health issues, job stresses, relationship problems...We're all riding this roller coaster, aren't we?

Falling in love with Henry was a wonderful thing while it lasted, but has been devastating to my self-esteem. Were those two years worth it? I think so, because of the lessons. And the love. I will always remember when we saw "Arrival," which was a life changing film for me. Afterward, we had a fascinating discussion about whether we would change our decisions, if we knew the future. Our deep talks were one of many positives about our relationship. In spite of his defection, I've managed to hike on Mt. Rainier several times, eat at interesting places, see some great films, enjoy many coffee dates and learn about myself. I'm not the strong person I once thought I was, but I'm a good and kind person, who deserved better. When I look at this photo though, all I think about is HAPPINESS. I miss that, and him.

Perfection

There are no perfect people, or perfect relationships. Perfection doesn't really exist, except in the moments. I'm grateful to have felt pure love for so many in my life, and pure joy during many events along the way. Yet when I look back on many of those exquisite times, they are also tinged with pain. One of the most beautiful examples is when Patt was dying and in a care facility that made him feel miserable(we got him out, no worries); the girls and I arrived that morning to visit with coffees, and he insisted I put mine down. When I asked him why, he told me that he wanted to hug me and tell me that he loved me. He wasn't a demonstrative man, and rarely used those words, although I knew that he felt them. Anyway, I'm rambling, but THAT MOMENT was one I'll always treasure, in spite of the circumstances. And in spite of the rejection from Henry and the difficulty I've had getting past that, I will always care about him; I've never expected a perfect ride on this roller coaster of life, but I just wish that I'd suspected that this was going to happen, or understood why. As many friends have explained to me, love, and physical attraction(or lack thereof) are difficult to quantify. Yet  I'm still frustrated by why I continue to be so hung up on Henry, and not very into John, who is truly a wonderful guy and deserves better. Heavy sigh. Thankfully, I got away for a couple days with Tonya and her husband John, who are close friends and great to hang out with!

I love their view at Harstine Island and it was an easy 1 1/2 hour drive from Puyallup. Although I thought I ended up south(a long way on I-5 south), Harstine is actually directly west since I had to go around the Puget Sound. So I went south, west and then north! :)

Tonya and I have been friends for about 50 years. Gulp. 

I got some loves from their kitty, Wylie. She was so friendly!

After a beautiful sunset, it was dinner, drinking and discussing time. I adore that part of any visit to their plot of paradise!

Tonya will claim that she's not an excellent cook, but to me, she is a gourmet chef. Her pork chops, salad and cauliflower were delicious and very different from my usual lonely dinner of cheese and popcorn. ;)

Yesterday, John and I went to a local zoo. This big kitty was extremely close to me, but behind some strong glass. :)

The new aquarium was amazing! What a change from the old one that I visited on a long ago date with Len. (pre-Henry)

I was entranced by the meerkats and their antics. Such adorable critters!

This lemur had a long plumy black tail that I didn't capture in the photo. But he(she?) was gorgeous anyway! After the zoo, John and I went to a late lunch at Anthony's, then walked down to Owens Beach where we saw... a humpback whale!! Admittedly we were far away, but it was still magical. I've only seen whales in Hawaii and Alaska, so this was my first Washington whale. John talked a long time to some kayakers because he wants to buy a kayak. The unfortunate thoughts that came into my mind were: Henry has a kayak. And before Patt was diagnosed with cancer, we talked about getting kayaks. Do I have too much baggage for any new relationship? Am I better off alone or is having fun with a new guy enough, in spite of my angst? I do doubt myself since my trust level in myself (or in men) has plummeted recently.Yet nothing or no one can be perfect, right? I need to treasure these perfect moments for what they are, when they happen. In the present.

 

Slice of life

May I reiterate that I have no idea how to date at my age(happily jumped into extreme like with Henry) or how to recover from a break up(had no serious ones until now), so anything I write on this blog is me trying to make sense of what has happened to what I thought was my "Life." And it continues to be hard. One thing that's changed is that I'm no longer the Golden Retriever. I'm more aloof, and not as invested in a relationship, except with my family and friends. To that end, Alison and I went down to Flanagan's for drinks, dinner and Trivia Night on Monday; it was one of Henry and my special places, so I felt like I needed to reclaim it. Karl, the Irish owner, came up to me immediately, since I haven't been in there for a while, and gave me a huge hug. Then he asked, "Is the Big Man coming in?" I didn't really know how I should respond, thus I burst into tears instead. :( Note: Henry isn't big, but he is tall, and skinny. After I explained the situation to Karl, and to one of our familiar waitresses the best I could, we all agreed that it was a shock, since we had seemed like such a together and committed couple. I'm glad that I'm not the only one reeling over this situation. Most people we saw at restaurants and bars assumed we were married because of how we acted toward each other, like a couple who had been together for decades. I digress because it's no longer my reality. But these types of encounters are part of why I'm having such trouble letting go...

We lost horribly at trivia, yet this girl always lets me whine and agonize. We much appreciated the food and beer too, although Karl kept dropping by our table to over share about his recent divorce. Misery loves company? And that guy behind us, oy!!

I'm so very thankful for my adult daughters, who have become such close and caring friends! Older Daughter is doing pretty well in New York, especially since Vassar is on vacation; she also enjoyed a visit from a local friend who evidently didn't research Poughkeepsie before she went. Her friend asked questions like: What borough do you live in? How far away is Central Park? I wouldn't have been able to keep a straight face. The answer, in case you're embarrassed to ask, is that Poughkeepsie is a good 2 hours away from New York City; it's in the Hudson River Valley and is about as different from NYC as it's possible to be. Thus, Ashley's friend flew all that way to essentially end up in the New York version of Puyallup. :) If you want a feel good video to watch, one of my friends filmed Ashley's Father-Daughter dance at the wedding; yes, that IS me sobbing in the background. Isn't it lovely though? I wish someone had also taped Ashley and Ryan's dance, which was truly epic. 

And John? He made me this dinner last night, and is so attentive and kind. I feel guilty that I'm not more into him and us. Henry rocked my world in ways that I won't can't describe on this blog. Was it a healthy relationship? Probably not. Did I find joy with him for much of the time we were together? Yes, mostly. I guess what I'm looking for now is not that joy, or the passion, but contentment and security. Am I settling? I don't honestly know. But some of the light has gone out of my life and maybe I'll have to be OK with that.

The Road Less Traveled

This journey we call life has too many bumps and detours, and I do get tired of the changes in direction, the adjustments and the new "scenery" that I'm always working to appreciate, when I'm actually longing for the old road with Patt, or even with Henry. Although I'm better, I'll never be healed, not completely. My nights are angsty, and there are still many tears. I've been keeping busy with John, but I don't feel like I did with Henry. The couple dynamic was so natural and incredibly right with Henry. John is an extremely nice guy with much less baggage, and really wants to be with me. That's made him much more attractive, yet I'm not sure it's for the right reasons. It's difficult to explain, thus I won't even make the effort. I'll just say that the road less traveled is lonely, and mysterious. It defies logic and intuition. And it takes such hard work to move forward.

The Skerryvore(Scottish band) and We Banjo Three (Irish) concert was AMAZING! I loved the catchy songs, the bagpipes, the fiddlers, the guy in the kilt, the banjos, the bluegrass/celtic feel to the music, the gorgeous Skerryvore violinist, the dancing in the aisle, the 21,000 steps I got, etc. Dinner before the concert at Over The Moon Café was delicious, personal, and expensive elegant. And afterward, since it was late, John spent the night at my house. It felt weird, but it's just another adjustment to my new normal.

Since we're having a gorgeous run of weather lately, John and I headed up to Mount Rainier yesterday. According to experts, our mountain is the second most topographically prominent one in the lower 48. Western Washington sits at sea level, so Mount Rainier rises above us in epic proportions. Although I've lived here all my life, I'm always impressed when she's out.

A hot summer means not much snow left on her!

The fall colors were so lovely up there, and I never tire of blue sky.

It was so sunny that I didn't even need to wear my jacket. Mostly! 

John likes to take my picture. :)

Even when I'm walking...

With John's binoculars (even with the naked eye) we could see climbers up there. I thought of Alison, who would like to summit Rainier in a year or so, and I got a bit nervous. While we were sitting up at this view point, I heard a loud noise, then we realized that an avalanche was happening on the mountain. We watched the snow cascade down, and that made me even more averse to mountain climbing!

I actually put this photo of us on Facebook. Brave of me, right? I've kept my dating life OFF social media for the most part. Blog readers know everything(mostly), but Facebook has always been Margaret Lite.

For obvious reasons, this is called Reflection Lake. I was entranced by it, and by its symbolism. The beauty of the mountain is only reflected in still waters. Turbulence, whether it is of the water or the heart, mars a clear view.

This newly married daughter had one of her long time Puyallup friends visit her in New York, where they did some sightseeing and cider drinking. It looked like a lot of fun, although I'm not a fan of cider! She has a big week coming up, so please send her positive thoughts. It's been a rough summer, and an emotional fall. I'm hoping for a smoother road for all of us, with healing and the making of fabulous memories together. And some uncomplicated happiness would be very welcome.  

 

Messages

I was on a long walk the other day(I walk a lot these days, as well as run) and came upon this CD insert lying on the ground. I used to own a copy, but I'm not sure where it went. And although I'm not Fumbling towards ecstasy, I'm definitely fumbling. Toward happiness, or at least contentment, perhaps? 

Ryan's uncle got free double prints and sent me a bunch. Most of them weren't great (lighting), yet there were some gems. I love the look on Alison's face, and the fact that my hair looks WAY better than I thought it did. :)

Who knows how much longer my parents will be around, so I'm delighted to have this picture with them. It's certainly not perfect, but I'll take what I can get. A message, right?

Sometimes the unposed photos are the best, like this one where serious mom was holding glasses of sparkling cider(me) and champagne(her) and the two of us were trying to puzzle out how to do the after ceremony toast.

The simple message here is that my brother loves me. Although he voted for someone I absolutely despise, he's always ready to hug his ultra weepy sister. 

Today I subbed for the first time (tough to get up at 5 a.m. again)at the rival high school for a friend; it went relatively well. I enjoyed the students, disliked the principal when he came in, and had fun on Facebook about this sign in her class. " I don't know if I can sub in this room!" I am no fan of the Washington State University Cougs since I graduated from the superior University of Washington. But it was all in jest, and everyone at PHS was friendly. Except for the principal, who is, to put it kindly, a douchewaffle. I'll be seeing John for an early dinner here tomorrow, then going to this concert. He bought the tickets before we even met, yet it's one of my favorite genres of music! Yesterday we saw this heartwarming film, and had dinner here afterward. Saturday we're going up to Mount Rainier to hike and to enjoy the gorgeous fall weather. I don't know where John and I are headed, and I'm still heartbroken and struggling, but it's healing to have a guy who REALLY wants to spend time together. I'm just not sure of anything right now, like how much emotional energy I should invest in a new relationship. Henry seemed like a permanent part of my life on many occasions, but also sent mixed messages. Now that's he's gone, I'm seeing that a lot more clearly. And I'm sad about it, whether I should be or not.