Stargazer

Opinions are like you-know-whats

Everyone has different strategies to deal with stressful issues, and I've discovered that one of mine is walking. I take off, my music in my ears, sometimes with an umbrella or in rain gear, and I move. Breathing the fresh air and feeling my body work in unison is important therapy for me; I couldn't live easily in a climate where it would be too hot, too cold, too snowy, too icy, etc. Exercise is also my thinking time, which brought me to this post. 

For this daughter who grew up in the Pacific Northwest, got her masters at Columbia University in NYC, then lived in Senegal, and Los Angeles for six years, this kind of winter is torturous. Although I love her(and Ryan and Ziggy) a lot, I refuse to visit under these conditions. I have none of the right clothes! I suppose I could make a trip to REI, right? Spring sounds like a perfect time for a trip east. :) Next weekend/week, Ashley will need to drive to New Jersey for an interview at Rutgers, and later will fly to Mississippi to interview at MSU. So, I hope the nasty weather settles down! In case I haven't been clear about this, Ashley's job as a postdoc at Vassar is a temporary two year position, thus she must continue to look for a tenure track professorship. (is that a word?) I wish she could get back to the west coast, but in my opinion, that's quite unlikely, given her field. Wahhh!

At our last trivia night at Doyle's, where the four of took 8th (out of 10), we tried a little whisky. It was interesting, but expensive. And I'm not a sipper, so it's not my style! Although the event was a little fraught for me, it turned out to be a great evening. Like many of us, I resist adapting to the "new," when I liked (and felt comfortable) with the "old." Change is somewhat like walking on quicksand at first...

You'll recognize some faces at this table of "Geeks who drink"(the trivia company took the photo); people do come, and go from our lives, sometimes unexpectedly and when we don't want them to. I'm happy and thankful that John is such a supportive boyfriend!

Every year we have our Glam Rams of 1974 get together (our high school group), and every year I treasure it, while feeling a bit out of place. This year we had a classmate share about her son who had been killed in a suicide by cop, then not long after that she lost her husband to cancer. Another woman was too weepy to talk about what was going on with her daughter(married, but just came out as gay), and yet another friend discussed her travels to Europe and Australia, in spite of her Stage 4 cancer diagnosis. By this age, we've lost spouses, children, have failed marriages, have battled cancer, BUT we still try to shine. Many of these women weren't my friends in high school; most would disagree with me on politics and religion, but they've become one of my "posses." When I told them about "issues" and explained that Henry had dumped me unexpectedly, but that I'd found a fabulous guy in John, all I got were tears, hugs, and encouragement. No judgement whatsoever. 

We're all very different, yet we share a bond that's difficult to pinpoint. Like so much, it's a mystery. 

Many things are a give and take. After Patt died, I went to our well-known Tulip Festival up north with Alison and her now ex-boyfriend Kramer(sigh), and fell in love with tulips. Patt didn't care for them, but I was entranced with all the colors and styles! That meant buying (and planting) 80 of the bulbs in the same bed where my favorite Stargazer lives. Although I enjoy seeing the tulips come up, they've sapped the Stargazer, thus she hardly blooms any more. At first I thought it might be a sign to quit writing this blog, but then I realized that it's more about moving on, and into new territory. 

This photo was from my first trip to Alaska to visit my friend Becky, who lived in Anchorage at the time. Apparently, cigar store Indians are still a thing there. I'm using the picture because of the uproar over the MAGA hat wearing Catholic high school students and the Native American drummer. It's been all over the news, and I won't post much about it on Facebook, due to my goal to keep that page drama free. But here's where I ask, like many have, "Where were the chaperones?" It sounds like there were many taunting comments made between the various groups, and that it wasn't as one-sided as the news portrays. The Native American elder ended up in the middle of it, the students' behavior was inappropriate, and they definitely should have consequences or discipline. But they shouldn't get death threats or be denied to any college! I taught for 37 years, and even the nicest teenagers will do stupid, and ill-considered things. That's probably why the age of adulthood is 18. If you've known me long, you understand that I too have a visceral reaction (repugnance) to the MAGA hats. Yet, I repeat, "WHERE were the chaperones?" If I'd been one of them, the students would have been dragged away the minute the kerfuffle started; it would never have happened on my watch. Not just my opinion; ask my former students. :)



 

Nostalgic

I've been experiencing a few emotional bumps in the road lately, reminders of the inevitability of change, the fragility of relationships and the fluidity of what I consider "reality." It sounds heavy, I know...

• Facebook: November and December are particularly painful for me due to the FB memories feature. That's when Patt got very sick, his family became demanding and unreasonable, and then came his death and its aftermath. Why read the old posts then? (rhetorical question since I'm going to tell you anyway)  Because I need to remember the feelings. I want to see how far(or not) I've come. Now January, when Henry and I stepped up our relationship a notch, has also been difficult. I wrote with such joy (almost eerily like what I'm posting now about John) about fabulous walks with Mount Rainier views, and also shared photos of delicious meals that he made me. I raved about fantastic movies Henry and I saw together, just like I have with John recently, if you're my Facebook friend. And something about that made me spiral a bit down.
• Flanagans: Alison and I met last night at this favorite local pub; it was Henry and my go to place and the owner K. was an outgoing, funny, personable Irishman who always had a hug and some words for us. The place was lively, full of people and FUN. A few months ago K. (in the midst of a divorce) sold his share in the bar and essentially disappeared. When I talked to the bartender (another acquaintance), he  was very sad: business has dropped off precipitously without the charming K., several employees texted K. birthday greetings and he didn't respond, and the worst yet, patrons have come into the pub saying that they've seen K. around elsewhere and that he's been very drunk. :( Henry is gone, K. is gone, maybe Flanagans will be gone too? Nothing is permanent, right? But I didn't realize so much would be transitory.
• Alison: My younger daughter is in the midst of some enormous transitions and I'm not much on board with them. In fact, they hurt my heart in ways I can't really explain here. It's her life, and they are her decisions to make at almost 29, as I'm well aware. However, as my mom often says, "You're a parent until you're up at the cemetery." At my advanced age, and with my experience, don't I know more than she does? Then I ponder my own hypocrisy; there were college friends (a few) who disapproved of Patt because he didn't have a college degree, nor was he charming. Many felt that Henry shouldn't have been in my life as long as he was, due to his grieving and depression issues. Some people think I retired too late...or too early. According to others, I should travel more, volunteer at various places, substitute teach more, less or never, etc. You get the idea? EVERYTHING is a potential mistake. Thus, I'm trying to make my peace with the situation, let Alison know that I'm always here for her, express my concerns and opinions, and...let it go. 
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• It helps to have cold, but clear weather, and a view of the Olympic mountains. John suggested a walk on the Tacoma waterfront, and I was definitely game. We saw lots of sea lions too!
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• Mount Rainier was out too, although not as spectacular as she can be! I could edit/add filters to my photos, but I always feel dishonest doing so. (even though the view was much more beautiful than my iPhone can capture)
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• John and I had a lovely lunch and beer at Stack 571, which also brings back nostalgic memories, many of them. Afterward we headed up to the Grand, where Henry and I spent many wonderful times, to see the biopic of Ruth Bader Ginsburg "On the Basis of Sex" which John and I enjoyed very much. RBG is a force of nature! And Armie Hammer is extremely easy on the eyes. ;)
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• The moon, the sky and the winter tree stopped me in my (running) tracks, and I ran in place to get this photo. I can't erase the past, and don't want to. There have been so many lessons learned, some of them inspiring and beautiful, others painful and ugly. I won't back away from feeling the loss of places, people and relationships either. They're part of who I am. What will I do? I'll move forward, enjoying the time I have with my parents, daughters, friends and John. As I mentioned above, everything and everyone is impermanent and in flux, but that doesn't mean that I can't squeeze all the joy I can out of the moments we share. Being such a realist can be a burden, but I'm working toward happiness, truly I am. Part of the word realist is "real," and I can't be other than that with myself, as well as you all, my dear blog friends! xoxo

Rainbow

In order to have (and appreciate) the beauty of a rainbow, you have to experience the rain, both literally and metaphorically. I've never tried to overdramatize my losses, and I've worked at growing from them. When people leave, especially when they abandon a relationship with no explanation, it's a crushing blow to the self-esteem and confidence. Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me as I ranted, raged, agonized, and grieved. Losing Patt was one of the most painful things that has ever happened to me, even though it wasn't a surprise. It was like having an arm cut off. I was no longer myself. Being dumped by Henry was extremely hurtful; it made me question my perception of reality. But I've always found it healthy to FEEL what I'm experiencing, ugly though it is. I know that my hurt and devastation have been hard on my friends and family, so I'm sorry for that. Lately though, I'm glad to have found a "rainbow," and his name is John.

He wanted to drive up to Seattle for the last time on the Alaskan Way Viaduct (they're tearing it down to make way for an earthquake safer tunnel), hang out at Pike Place Market, and then come back to his house for dinner and some TV. 

The tunnel isn't hooked up, and won't be for three weeks, so Seattle traffic will be even messier. I pity those who work there! The demolition of the viaduct is the end of an era, and I'm happy that John has such creative ideas for dates, unlike me!

The weather didn't know what it wanted to do!

It's lovely to be tourists in our own town, especially when we're retired, and can avoid rush hour!

I loved the metal name tags on the fence; it's much better and less destructive than those locks that people used to put on bridges. 

We had a delicious lunch at a Bolivian restaurant near Pike Place Market! And yes, we did see the Fish Throwers!

I admitted to John that I'd never seen the gum wall, so he wanted to take me there. Yuck! Once is definitely enough. :)

Goodbye, viaduct!

You can see the viaduct behind us! In positive news, the waterfront is going to be so much more open. Unfortunately, the traffic will probably be even worse with only four lanes in that tunnel. (versus 6 on the viaduct) Since I'm terrified of tunnels, I doubt that I'll ever drive through it.

Seattle was in gray scale.

But the sun was trying! By this point we were in West Seattle, Alki point!

You can see some foothills in the background, lit by sun. :)

And it's starting to clear, leading to the Tacoma sunrise this morning, captured by my former student, also named John, and used with his permission...

No filters!

Whether you call her Mount Rainier, Tahoma, or Mount Doom (!), she's a beauty, isn't she? And if you've ever seen the film "Life is Beautiful," you will understand what I'm saying by this...life is messy, horrible, inspiring and heart-wrenching. It can be cruel, and discouraging. And yet so incredibly beautiful.

 

Stories

As most of you have probably heard, we had a devastating windstorm in Western Washington. Time-wise it was short, but with powerful gusts. We live in an area with enormous trees(and branches!); they are gorgeous, except when windstorms hit us hard. I didn't really believe it would be coming because weather forecasters have a tough time with wind. There have been many several times when it's changed direction, and been a ho hum. Not this time. Excuse my language, but it was more of a holy SH*T. And another large portion of my fence blew down...

My fence issue is, as the saying goes, a First World problem since I have the money to have it fixed; others fared much worse with trees in their bedrooms or on their cars, and some areas face lack of power for days, even weeks. Our local schools were closed today (first day back from winter break) due to lack of electricity and heat in the buildings. Most of our district will go back to work tomorrow, although the schools on our North Hill will remain closed. The district representative left a message to that effect, while adding (basically), "Even though schools are open, we recommend that students wear warm clothing because the heat could be iffy." 

My retired military neighbor and his friend pulled out the concrete and broken fence posts, and he's taking charge of this shared section of the fence. What a relief! When I apologetically admitted that I could only contribute financially, and not physically, he told me, "When I asked your late husband about paying for part of the fence, he said not to worry, just to take care of my side of it. And when we moved in, he came over to help us carry in our fridge and other big items." What goes around comes around, and sometimes in a good way! 

A blog friend (she will know who she is) cost me lots of money for winter tires. ;) Actually, it was her talk of driving in snowy/icy conditions with or without winter tires that got me researching. Shockingly (to me),front wheel drive vehicles with winter tires outperform AWD or 4WD ones with regular tires...in nearly every test. So, now I have an AWD Subaru with studless snow tires. Let it snow!! (just a little bit, so I can try them out) Although I've spent (will spend) way too much money for a retiree, things are going quite well here; I'm enjoying my time with John, as well as fitting in coffees and meet ups with friends, and keeping in touch with my busy daughters. Although I still don't know what's going with Alison and her boyfriend, and I'm fretting about Ashley's job interviews at the end of the month, I'm finding many positives to offset the worries. May they PLEASE continue!

Adventures in 2019...so far

As I had hoped, I had a marvelous New Year with friends, family and John. We played games, snacked and drank, laughed a lot, and kissed and hugged everyone at midnight. The end/beginning of the "year" is so artificial, isn't it? But I enjoyed it anyway! A celebration for really no reason at all is just as much fun.

This guy is truly great, such a good sport. And he is so sweet.

Wednesday, Ashley, Ryan and I headed over Snoqualmie Pass to visit my grandfather's widow Poochie, who lives in Cle Elum. Thankfully, the roads were clear, but the gorgeous trees (looking flocked) were such a treat.

Ryan did all of the driving; I hope he got to see enough of the sights from the driver's seat. Being from Iowa, he's seen lots of snow, but not mountains and huge trees. :)

In spite of back and mobility problems, Poochie was game for a lunch out (Ashley stole the check), and some visits to special places in the vicinity. My grandparents lived in Cle Elum (maternal) and Roslyn(paternal), so my childhood memories are very strong here in Central Washington!

My maternal grandparents lived in this house in Cle Elum, although it used to be pink. We spent all our holidays crossing the pass to visit Grandpa and Nana, and Grandpa and Grandma Grieve, often sometimes in dreadful weather conditions. I still remember my dad crawling under the 1956 Chevy Bel-Air to put on chains, on the side of the road with semis whizzing past. I may have learned a few swear words at those times.;)

There are only six places in the family mausoleum, so it's full: my grandpa, Nana, my great-grandmother Louisa, her husband August, my aunt Marilynn and my great-uncle Lewis. That's OK though because I have no desire to be buried there. 

I grew up eating treats from the Cle Elum Bakery, so I knew what we needed to buy: torcettis, Dutch Crunch bread, cheesy garlic bread and maple walnut rolls. Yum!

On the way from Cle Elum to Roslyn, I took this picture of my Great-Auntie Jean's house. She made great povitica, and was the kindest woman on the planet. 

Ashley drove up the terrifying road(compact snow and ice) to my paternal grandparents' place in Roslyn; their home, a former boarding house, was torn down, but the cinder block garage that my grandfather built is still there. The sight of it brought back so many memories!

Roslyn has atmospheric old buildings; it was a coal mining town that was used to film  "Northern Exposure" if you know the show.

Here's another view...

The camel mural--do you recognize it? I expected to see a moose amble through, like in the opening credits of the TV show :)

The Brick Saloon is historic, and a well-known landmark. I'd never been in there, so we had to visit for drinks. 

When I showed this Brick history to my Dad, he said, "Peter Giovanini was our neighbor." Both my parents loved my pictures of their hometowns. I wish we could have convinced them to make the 1 hour 40 minute drive. My mom worries about how her knee and back would hold up to the trip. I would have liked them to have taken the chance, since I believe they would have enjoyed it, but I'm not 90 and 86. So, no judgement.

The Brick has a running water spittoon, as befits the oldest saloon in the state of Washington!

I had a Mannys, which is a pale ale from Georgetown Brewery, on the west side of the mountains. They were out of what I wanted, Dirtyface Amber, which was from Icicle Brewery on the east side.(Leavenworth) Drink local, right? I did try.

Last night we had a family dinner, and spent some excellent time together before Ashley and Ryan took off today. It was difficult to see them leave; they're great to have around, such lovely company. But they have their own lives, and work in Poughkeepsie, so it was time for them to head back.

And I know they're missing their sweet beast, Ziguinchor(Zig) who is doing his best imitation of "Jabba the Cat" here. I need to plan a trip back to New York soon to get some of those delightful kitty snuggles. :)

 

Holidays

Today is NYE, the anniversary of my first meeting with Patt 39 years ago, and the first anniversary of Henry's mom's death(she adored me and I her); if we weren't having people over, I would probably go to bed right now at 4:51 p.m. However, I intend to have a fabulous time, as if it weren't really a holiday, just an evening with precious family, friends, and my new boyfriend. I asked Ashley what her favorite and least favorite holidays were, and we share many of the same tastes. We both prefer Thanksgiving, while hating Valentine's Day,  and disliking Easter(not being religious types). I'm not a fan of 4th of July either. I did use to enjoy our BBQs and games outside, and the beautiful fireworks. But I get irritated by the constant barrage of WEEKS of noise (firecrackers, anyone?), the faux patriotism, and the emphasis on getting wasted. I'm also not crazy about NYE because the years blend into each other for me, plus I'm not a resolution maker at all. Perhaps I'm not much of a holiday fan and prefer getting together with people for no reason whatsoever? :) I try to celebrate each day, especially those without any specific name.(like Birthday, Christmas, NYE, etc.) These built up "special" occasions can let us down due to our elevated expectations of how wonderful they should be...but sometimes aren't.  Also I've decided that Henry looked different in the previous post photo because of his longer hair, beard and mustache, as well as some weight gain(?). It hurts my heart too much to reflect on other possibilities. I need to let him go, and keep moving on. It's OK to still care about him and wish him the best, but not healthy for me to fret about what might be going on with him. By the way, I had a great time with John's family at their Christmas party; there were definitely some quirky types there, just like at my family get togethers. Another word for quirky is interesting! (or normal in a unique way?) Anyway, I leave you all in 2018 with this cleverly censored picture from my new Mountain Men of Alaska Calendar. When I tell people that I LOVE the quotes and it's partly why I buy the calendar, they laugh hysterically. But it's absolutely true. The January message here for me is clear, and appropriate. A very happy day to all! Celebrate, read a good book, watch an excellent movie, hug your loved ones, stretch yourself, travel to a new place, do what makes you happy and fulfilled. Enter the cave.

  

Erasing

I know that this post will disturb some people, but I make no apologies for my feelings for Henry. And what's happened over the past 6 months makes me sad, yet thankful for my friends, family... and John. 

This is one of the photos on Match that got me very interested in Henry.

This evening on Anderson Island was truly magical; we had such a fabulous time, and spent the night together for the first time ever. I do miss those past times, although I understand that they're impossible to recapture. Instead, I'll value my future, and try not to obsess on what's over. It's difficult sometimes.

 Browsing(stalking?) one of Henry's daughter's Instagram, I found this recent Christmas picture and was appalled. What's happened to him? Besides the longer hair, why does he look so different? I've been upset all evening, but I need to get over that. He's the one who pushed me away, didn't want the relationship, and blindsided and devastated me. Yet I hate to see him looking like this. :( I move forward with John's family Christmas party tomorrow (nervous!), New Year's Eve with him, and (I hope) many more wonderful memories with my new guy. My house is un-decorated for the most part, and I'm preparing for 2019, which I believed I would be spending with Henry not too long ago. Sometimes life feels like the turn of one of those kaleidoscopes that I loved as a child. You look at it one moment, then in an instant it's metamorphosed into something completely new. Perhaps this internet definition applies to more than just the kaleidoscope: "Rotation of the cell causes motion of the materials, resulting in an ever-changing view being presented." I kind of like this as a metaphor for reality. 

Christmas, etc.

This could be a post full of the proverbial "sweetness and light," but that's not my style. I prefer to be open, and honest. There have been many joyful moments lately, especially with Ashley and Ryan back. Yet I continue to worry about Alison, and what's going on with her. Lots of relationship drama and many unknowns. I'm happy to have spent Christmas Eve and part of Christmas Day with her, but...have I mentioned that parenting adult children sometimes sucks? :(

Prior to Christmas, John and I watched the Seahawks game together, and they WON, very unexpectedly! Ryan and Ashley kept us company, in spite of Ashley's hatred of football, or really any sports. ;) I had homemade chili and cornbread to go along with the game, and John and I exchanged some small gifts. I'm glad this very kind and nice man wants to be part of my life. And my family likes him a lot, probably because of his numerous wonderful qualities and his caring treatment of me. I wish I could find more joy in the relationship, but I'm still distrustful about a future with any man. Once burned, twice shy?

The girls and I worked hard on our Xmas cookies, although Alison got here late from work, so she couldn't help much. I wish I'd taken a photo of them so you could see the contrast between my decorations, and the girls.' I'm not known for being artistic!

Then Ryan joined us, since he's now an official member of the family!

The cousins are far apart in age, yet had a great time together; it was hilarious to play this game. However, I didn't appreciate getting a spoiled milk jelly bean, which got stuck in my molars. Vile! I lucked out not to get the dead fish or stink bug, according to my brother, who got both!

A cute family sculpture. :)

It's a remote photo, and not the best. But it's the best we could manage, a perfect mantra for my life. I'm trying for my best efforts at happiness. Sometimes I succeed, and others times not so much.

My parents are lovely at 90 and 86, aren't they? Realistically, we don't have too many more holidays together, yet I would love to have them around for a lot longer!

Ashley made povitica, a family tradition from way back when my (Great) Auntie Jean used to send it over from Cle Elum. She died on Christmas Eve many years ago, thus my mom, dad and I always think about her at Christmas. It meant a lot to my parents to reminisce about those days, while enjoying several slices of this nut bread, and celebrating the new. That's what it's all about, right? Spending some nostalgic time in the past, while reveling in the joys of the present. I'm trying not to focus on the worries, although sometimes it's difficult not to. Sigh.

 

 

Decembering

I told myself I wouldn't be stressed in December, but here I am...

• Wondering if I'm supposed to buy presents for John, whom I haven't seen for nearly a week since his kids have been staying with him. However, he texts me frequently, and has invited me to every family gathering they're having. It's so different from what I was used to in my previous relationship! I did have a couple of setbacks recently; one Facebook memory reminded me of a fantastic day that Henry and I spent in Seattle, and then while walking in our windstorm yesterday(just call me Mary Poppins!), he drove by me. Do I still miss him and care about him? Yes, absolutely. Would I want him back? Not a chance. That said, I find it impossible to simply erase a person I've loved or my treasured memories with him. Henry is part of who I am; he was an important part of my life for quite a while! Those years are gone, yet they will never quite be forgotten.
• Worrying about both my girls for different reasons, including job angst, relationship issues, emotional roller coasters, etc. Both daughters are truly rock stars and impressive young women in so many ways, yet what I want most for them is to be HAPPY. And they're not. Maybe that's an unrealistic expectation? 
• Fretting about how to get everything done, like our traditional Christmas cookies, writing cards for my Dad(arthritis in his hand makes it impossible for him to do this, which he is upset about), and organizing my time around my girls when Ashley and Ryan have their own plans, and Alison has to work on Christmas Eve Day!
• Still enjoying the experiences of the month though...
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• The girls went out to a trivia night, and got first place! 
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• Ashley and Ryan's cat sitter sent this beautiful photo of Zig! I wish he could have made the trip, but he doesn't enjoy traveling. I know they miss him!
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• A whole group of us went out for a different trivia night, and my team took 5th, no thanks to me. I don't know much about pop culture, that's for sure! These goofy kids wouldn't allow me a decent photo, so here they are. Sigh.
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• This couple at the bar was wearing a connected sweater. How did they use the restroom? As a 60 something woman who has to go to the bathroom way too frequently, I pondered this question!
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• This is most of our group, minus Alison and Kramer who came later. I love having pictures, although I understand it can be annoying. I treasure the memories behind so many of my photos, even the awful ones. :)
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• John had this extra Smartish TV that he insisted on giving to me, and brought down all the connections and tools to hook it up, as well as hauling out my monstrous 25 year old Magnavox. I didn't ask him to do any of this, but he figured that the kids would enjoy using a more modern TV during their visit. He's kind, and very handy as a retired electronics tech from Boeing! This technology upgrade led to my purchase of a Smart TV upstairs, some issues getting cable to it, after a trip to the Xfinity store to swap out cable boxes and remotes. I now give voice commands to my downstairs remote. Welcome to the 21st century, Margaret!

Deeds for December

I've randomly decided to reach outward, and not retreat into my usual holiday mini-depression. On what would have been my 34th wedding anniversary on December 15th, I took some Christmas decorations up to the cemetery; as I drove in, I noticed an elderly man sitting in a lawn chair by a grave, his head down. I was in a bit of a rush because John was coming over but on my way out, I couldn't help myself. I stopped my car, got out, and said, "You look like you could use a hug. It's a tough time of year for those of us who have lost loved ones." So, for the next half hour we discussed the loss of his wife Andrea in May, 2018 after 44 years of marriage. We talked about grief, and how to move forward, although never completely on. I hope our conversation helped him in some small way. I know that it reinforced for me that Patt would have wanted my happiness, not me hanging out at the cemetery. (I doubt that Andrea would want her Jerry there either) And for us, my new friend Jerry and me, you learn to let go, while still carrying cherished memories in your heart. I'm getting there with Henry too. I hope he is well, and finding joy. Then yesterday I stopped at Starbucks to get my breakfast sandwich, and decided to get two, one for the man and dog at the corner. I also put $5 in the sack with the food; cynics will say that the guy will just spend the money on booze, but as my mom says: you have to give with an open heart because you can't control how others act or how they spend the money. You benefit intrinsically from the act of giving, in my opinion. By the way, I have no photos of these deeds. But I do have pictures of other things...

Here I am with my younger brother, Don, who killed himself at the age of 24. Whereas I was clueless about the creepy Santa, Don looks quite alarmed! These pictures are very nostalgic for me since my memories of my childhood holidays are tied up with my two younger brothers, both long dead. My only surviving brother is wonderful, but he's 15 years younger than I am, thus he wasn't part of those times.

My young nephew and niece (12 and 7) offered to put up and decorate my parents' Christmas tree, which was extremely kind and helpful! At 90 and 86 my folks aren't much into decorating, and although they're still able to do so, it's much easier and more fun for the young ones! A win win!!

The kids made sure to hang some ancient ornaments with our names on them: Margaret, Don and Doug. My parents and I often reminisce about my deceased brothers: would they have kept their thick hair or gone bald like my much younger brother? Would Doug have gone into the military like he wanted? Would they have married and had children? It's a pointless exercise, but it helps all of us to remember them. They existed, and were loved.

We had a powerful windstorm the other day, and part of my fence blew down. Although my neighbor is upset about it, I don't really care much. Yes, it will cost me several thousand dollars to get it fixed. No, I'm not thrilled at all about dealing with it. Yet as the saying goes, it's a first world problem, and fixable. I get to pick up my older daughter and her husband at the airport tonight. Both girls will be home for Christmas: the baking, the board games, the laughter and the conversations. John is, fortunately or unfortunately, becoming more and more important to me. I have the best people in my life, both friends and family, and I'm very thankful for them. I hope to do many more good deeds this month, and continue the tradition into 2019.