Stargazer

Short, but not so sweet

I'm not broken hearted, but I am sad and unsure what to do. No word from Henry since Thursday, and no response to my very kind text on Sunday. Many relationships don't make it, thus I'm not surprised. But I thought we had a chance since there was a huge connection on many levels, and we always had so much fun when we went out. However, I don't think he has ever emotionally dealt with his wife's death; his twins turned 18 Friday and that seemed to throw him into a tailspin. I can't really forgive that he didn't respond to my text, nor let me know that he needed a break/wasn't ready to date, but I will wait a few days, then send another text, a more direct one. Personally, I believe he needs a new anti-depressant and some counseling. After four years, he shouldn't be melting down and withdrawing the way he does. :( At least our six months together have been mostly great and have shown me that I can enjoy a new relationship. It will be tough to move on, but not impossible. My friends and my daughters will be there for me. In fact, I already have Alison lined up for a Happy Hour! I'm still deciding if I want to date some more or just call it good. Right now, I'm on the fence, but leaning toward taking a dating break myself. Too much effort, too much uncertainty, too much awkwardness, too much pain.

A thousand cuts

I left school ready for a run, a beer and a good cry. So far I'm only two for three. (not in a weepy mood, just pissed off and out of sorts) First of all, my life, in general, is great, in spite of house issues, dating problems and school sh*t. But sometimes, it is definitely "death" by a thousand cuts. It didn't help that this week included the always exhausting Back to School night, and was our first five day week. I also have a canker sore, as well as the beginnings of a cold. So, on to the venting:

• I've never liked it when people spoke for me, but now a department member has decided that he's the new school messiah. He's gone to the principal to discuss issues with negative climate, our new vice-principals(one decent, one awful) and sees himself as the inspiration of the school. I dearly love this man, while feeling very pissed off at him right now. I am actually department chair, and don't pretend to be up on all the gossip. But I think that we need to give the new year more time before we get so militant. Note to self: I need to retire!
• Today's email from a counselor about a girl who was supposed to start at the beginning of the year, and couldn't for no stated reason, sent me over the edge. She will be joining my rather chaotic (but lovable) 3rd period class, bumping it to 40 students. Where will I even seat her? How can I catch her up on three weeks of learning? And DOES ANYONE CARE? Short answer: No.
• Another idiot member of my department told a lovely young co-worker that she couldn't be a good teacher until she had kids of her own, because no one who isn't a parent could be a decent teacher. AND this person is an administrative intern in my building! I've always considered him annoying and stupid; does this verify it?
• The guy who was supposed to come fix my siding has ignored me for the last few months; I would call again, but what's the point? sigh I've already left several messages, which he hasn't returned. I don't just miss Patt for his excellence at home repair, yet I hate feeling helpless, without even being able to hire someone to fix the issues. It's another couple of cuts, deep ones.
• Alison is talking about selling the Ford Focus; at first I was happy, until I realized that it was in my name, and would require a transfer of title. (technically, the money should be mine, but I won't quibble about that!) However, instead of buying a newish car, she wants to get an older one because her boyfriend can supposedly work on it. NO, you need reliable transportation to work! Plus, her boyfriend has his own older vehicle that he needs to fix up, plus his own job. How will he find time to deal with a second POS? (POS=Piece of Shit)
• After a fantastic time Sunday, the tiresome (and becoming usual) Henry scenario has occurred. He wanted to see me Wednesday, but that was Back to School night, so we discussed maybe Thursday? However, he had a down day then, so it was out. Today is his twins' 18th birthday, which I'm sure is part of his angst.Who knows when I'll see him again? Or if I'll ever meet his family? Right now, I'm pretty discouraged with the relationship, although not to the point where I'll give up. That time might be coming though, and I'm very sad about that. If he feels guilty about dating me (or anyone), and is ashamed to introduce me to his loved ones, then there is really no future for us. :(
• 
• Ashley has moved (thanks to some hunky Russian movers!), has a new haircut and is dating a few interesting guys. I'm not too sure what I think of her new roommates though or how they're dealing with her bringing her stuff into the apartment. I hope it will work out better than it has so far. And with that, I'm off to do some reading and relaxing, maybe a movie. I  CAN do this single life, right? I've done it before and it will be OK. :)

When you realize that you are no longer 40

Events conspired against me this weekend: after a full work week of 5 a.m. alarms, I had to get up that early BOTH days of the weekend. (and today was a staff meeting, while Wednesday will be Back to School night, ugh!) There were times that I felt like crying, yet other ones where I thought to myself, "These are all reasons to retire. More signs!" The great part was that the early mornings were my choice, hard as they were/are on my body. Saturday morning was my Lung Cancer walk, for which I raised $1,500(I donated $530, but that's still a lot from other people!); I was excited that Alison was participating with me, although she isn't always reliable. ;)Thus, I was delighted to see her, and her boyfriend, who had made noises that it was TOO early for him to get up on a weekend. Really? I'm 60 years old and feeling every year of it right now!

It meant very much to us to wear his Stairs by Patt sweatshirts, although we wimped out by choosing the cleanest ones. ;) I've found it impossible to get rid of his signature clothing. 

I think Alison and I resemble each other a lot in this photo. Sometimes I see it, and sometimes I don't. Here it's all about the smile!

By this time, I had given up on my hair, and was just going with the horrible weather. (truly awful!) However, we managed the whole 5k walk, unlike most people who seemed to bail after a lap or so. I can be somewhat competitive, but the positive side of that is that I'm extremely determined! Later that day, my brother called me to timidly ask me if I could drive his family EARLY to SeaTac on Sunday for my nephew's Make a Wish flight to Disney World. My parents worried about me doing so, and I certainly didn't feel like it, but I love my brother! Thus, I said yes, I would be delighted, while planning my bedtime for about 7:30 p.m. because getting up at 5 a.m. is my life Sunday was great though, besides the sucky Seahawks. Henry and I went to this museum and then to this brewery, which was time wonderfully spent discussing books, kids and life in general.The food was delicious, and the company even more so. One day at a time is what I'm going for. And I'm really hoping to not crash and burn this week. *yawn*

Growth

No, I'm still 5'3, maybe a teeny bit taller. ;) But in other ways, I've most certainly grown. It's been tough(understatement) because I was content before, and then went through unspeakable tragedy. I could have stayed in my comfort zone with my friends and family, but went out of it BIG TIME by dating. Now I'm nearly sure I'm retiring. (especially after the past few weeks, which haven't been awful, yet have shown me signs) Henry or no Henry I need to spend my time NOT WORKING. Did you know that I've had a job since the age of 10? That one was picking blueberries, but still involved a schedule and expectations. I'm tired of both of those things. I would love this Henry situation to work out, if only his daughters weren't such a wild card. I could probably tell you a few stories that would make you all urge me to dump him. I will possibly never be a top priority. I'm wondering if he will ever introduce me to his family. We have a wonderful time together, but I'm never quite sure when I'll see him again. The lack of control and total spontaneity sort of drives me nuts at times. When we're together it can be magic, but is it worth the potential pain? (rhetorical question because I do care about the man, dammit) So, growth involves showing up to school for Fair Day like this:

The students loved the overalls, when they weren't snickering at me. But my mother hates them, and would spirit them away if she could! Although they may look cute, they are hellaciously difficult to deal with when I need to use the restroom. And I'm a 60 year old lady! :)

The flower garden and Five Mile Drive at Point Defiance Park are glorious! My little camera can't do justice to the views.

There are lots of islands here, and many ferries! I love our water, mountains and trees. 

Dusk is so beautiful this time of year. But it does remind me that the days are growing shorter, and that soon we'll be into winter.

Henry offered to drive around so I could take this photo, and it is NOT as impressive as what we saw with our eyes! Definitely a message to enjoy the moments without always trying to capture them. I do so wish that I could get a picture of the two of us, but I have a feeling that he wouldn't like that. sigh This Saturday, Alison and I will be walking in the Lung Cancer walk, both of us wearing Stairs By Patt sweatshirts. :) I'm not excited to get up early for the walk, but I will cherish spending time with her to support the cause. Still love you, Patt. Still miss you.

 

Back into the routine

When the alarm rings at 5 a.m. I'm no longer shocked; it seems like summer didn't really exist. What did I even do during those months except visit Alaska and hang out(not enough) with Henry? I'll have to re-read my blog entries! The first four days have been exhausting and affirming of my decision to retire. It's not that I don't LOVE many/most of my new students, it's that I am sick of being on a bell schedule and tied to a strict routine. It doesn't help that both my 1st year classes are at 39, with students begging the counselors to put them in French because they have a passion for it, need to study that particular language, etc. *sigh* I'm a victim of my own success! I wouldn't mind replacing a few of the squirrelly boys in 3rd period with some different students. ;) 4th period is quiet and boring, a strange mix of students. 3rd year is half the size of last year, and fun so far, but I'm used to having more energy in the room. Our raucous and inappropriate lunches have definitely been the highlight of school so far! And I do love 5th period planning, which is the latest prep period I've had in many years. Compared to how I felt last year about retiring though, it is still much clearer to me that it's time to move forward into whatever the rest of my life will be. Possibly boring, probably depressing at times(I'll miss my peeps!) and definitely different, but as the saying goes, "This is not the dress rehearsal, this is your life." I'm only going to get one chance to live it and do what I want; the accumulation of money isn't one of those needs, since I have plenty.

Because I'm pretty sure I'm retiring doesn't mean I'm not ALL IN for this year, including dressing up for Blue Friday in my grubbiest capris and my ill-fitting Hauschka jersey(he's the Seattle Seahawks kicker, for you non-football fans). It also meant being flexible when the assembly was cancelled due to a bleacher malfunction and when our keys suddenly didn't work in our portable bathroom. It's a long trek to the next closest restroom, so we're hoping that it's fixed Monday. My prediction would be no! When the office manager mentioned it was on a Work Order, I immediately took a pessimistic view of the situation. :(

Friday evening included a Happy Hour with Henry, interesting conversation and lots of laughs, great food, and then a walk with this view(and more!) all around us. The nip of fall is in the air, but what a glorious experience to end my week. People often write on their photos #no filter; I have no clue how to enhance my pictures, nor do I think they need it! Nor does my life, which, as you blog friends already know, comes with #no filter. I'm very real, and intend to stay that way. :)

 

 

My Last First Day

Last year I somehow didn't feel that it would be my retirement year, but this year I definitely do. And it's sort of exciting, in a scary way. I thought I would be more emotional, and that today would be bittersweet. Yet, it was more about logistics: emails about the new textbook and to parents, taking attendance, being ON STAGE for 5 periods. (I won't miss that!) Today also included a hilarious lunch and hysterical laughter with colleagues which will be what I will really miss! I work with GREAT people! I saw eager faces in most of my classes and had to tell myself that they'll get a wonderful new teacher next year, and that it will all be fine. I need to move on. Patt died when he was 59, one of my grandmothers at 50 and the other in her 60s, so I'm seeing that possible light at the end of the tunnel.:( I crave the time and energy to travel and relax, read and do more of what I WANT. Will Henry be part of that? Possibly, probably, who knows? Like many relationships post-marriage, it's strange and undefinable, but I can deal with that. Mostly. Today, Ashley had 80,000CFA (a little under $200) stolen from her hut when she was out to dinner, leaving her barely enough for food later and to get to a bank in a larger town. Grrrrr! In more hilarious news, our new gradebook/communication interface had an inexplicable brain fart, and identified me thus for several days:

Quite a dashing name, don't you think? It reinforces that technology really is our frenemy. But it did make me laugh... A LOT!

 

When things become clear(er)

Starting back to school with our prep days has been a revelation. People told me that I would sense when it was time to retire; last year I was agonized and too torn about the decision, but this year it's pretty obvious to me that I no longer want to do the following: schlep hundreds of new books to my class with the evil hand truck and then cart them around manually, try to find spots in my room for 39 students, avoid strangling a VERY annoying co-worker, get no support from the district about auxiliary materials for the new text(CDs and DVDs), write four different bell schedules on the board(with others that I haven't gotten to yet), etc. Will I thrive in retirement or will I be bored and depressed? As with any new experience, I will have to figure that out when I get there! I know there will be much I will miss about my job and the people(oh, some of the magnificent people!) but it's time to explore other avenues. I'm already thinking that next September I want to be on my way to Ireland and Scotland for a trip! It's also become clear(er) to me that with relationships, we have to truly accept where and who each person is in the grief process, parenting journey, feelings/emotions,etc. That's easy to say, and yet difficult to do. If I can't do so, then I need to let go. Not necessarily of Henry, but of my expectations. I have a wonderful time with him, and enjoy his company, his conversation, his hugs and his laughter. He definitely wants a bit more space in our relationship than I do, so it's HARD. But again, it's reasonably clear to me that I want to be with him at present, no matter the struggles. That could all change down the road...but I have to live right now, in the moment. Dinner with him last night was wonderful, and tomorrow we're supposed to go see the Obama movie, then have dinner in Tacoma. I can never quite count on him(his daughters, you know) or plan 100%, but I THINK he's trying to be with me, while juggling his parenting duties. I will repeat: it's complicated, sometimes painful, yet typical of relationships, perhaps life in general. I'm sure you've all heard the trite, but appropriate saying, "It is what it is." I either deal with it, or give up on it, which I'm not ready to do. In other news, a weird thing that has happened recently is that I "discovered" instagram. I've been a member for a long time, and follow tons of people, but I didn't realize that it is sometimes a treasure trove of photos. Ashley hates dislikes Facebook, yet her instagram is full of beautiful, interesting pictures.

This photo blew me away! Two goats are battling on a huge baobab tree!

This view of Ziguinchor reminded me of my trip there last year at the end of September. I'm not saying that it made me want to go back, although I certainly felt quite nostalgic. My longing was not for the sweating, discomfort, lack of power, flooding, riding on scary motorcycles, etc. but for the adventures and memories with Ashley. By the way, if you're interested in why she seems to always be in Senegal, check this out. Make sure to click on her name so you can see some of her amazing cartoons! :) Do I want to start work next Tuesday? No, but I'll find the positives, while filing my retirement paperwork and hoping for more adventures in exploring the world and myself. Clarity doesn't make the decisions easier, you know, just more defined, yet also full of both exciting and terrifying possibilities. 60 is apparently the new 18! :)