Stargazer

Load of bricks

This week I(and many of my colleagues) got dumped on by some crappy behavior from kids, lots of illness and even some drama when a close friend, who has an attendance issue, missed two days he couldn't afford to...and called in sick a mere 20 minutes before school started. This caused the office manager to go into the principal's office crying, and elicited much venting from her to me, a bit of a sh*tstorm. Besides that, I managed to nearly make my guy weep at a restaurant which made me feel awful. (if I could only make casual conversation instead of being so deep) He Who Shall Not Be Named still wants to be with me though, and has been texting me more frequently; the realistic part of me knows that it can all change in a moment, and is semi-prepared for another "disappearance." Seize the day, right? To that end, I/we are planning a "skip day" and talking about heading to Seattle, to the Seattle Art Museum and Pike Place Market. I'm hoping it works out because I do enjoy Seattle, as long as I don't have to drive! H. drove back and forth to Boeing for over 3 decades, so he's used to nasty traffic. The weather has been dreary, I have little of interest to read, and my house needs cleaning(and fixing!) but I'll just sip on my mocha and savor a lazy Saturday. ;)

Coming to terms

I find it incredibly interesting to contemplate how much my life has changed over the past 6 years, starting with Patt's cancer diagnosis, the hell(but beauty) of fighting the illness, but living as positively as we could, making wonderful memories as well as agonizing ones, and then "The Afterward." In this time post-Patt, I've become a new person, re-born as Ashley wrote in a journal entry about her dad's death. Forgive me if I've already posted her words, but they are so important! 

"Love collapses time, folds the past into the present and the future. I learned this when I knew my dad was about to die. I wanted to tell him how much I loved him and how much I would miss him. "Love." "Miss." Two four letter words that we exchange frequently, thoughtlessly, reflexively, as though they were candies being tossed out to a group of children. But what they express is inexpressible. I told him "I love you." I told him, "I'm going to miss you." I didn't tell him, because I did not yet know, "Without you my world will collapse. My life will cease to be what it was. I will be reborn, I will live a new life, I will learn to love that life even though you are not in it. My heart will heal. The pieces will get put back together. New loves, new losses, new excitements will suture it back together. But always there will be a scar from that piece that you took with you when you died." -Ashley Fent

I never imagined that I could ever be comfortable living alone, yet I mostly am. (lonely sometimes, and bored, but reasonably content) I didn't think that I would experience joy again, yet I have, both in small moments (beautiful weather, a good book, kitty loves, etc.) and in larger ones like having my girls home, or even dating, stressful though it is. In fact, my weekend included coffee with a friend, then a dinner date at an Indian restaurant and a walk in the lovely fall dusk. Although things aren't perfect and I tend to think, very realistically, that relationships won't last, I choose to fight for happiness in the moment, and hope for more in the future that will bring me joy. This sounds like a corny Chinese fortune cookie, but I really do embrace this philosophy:)

What a week!

I hate thinking about it this way, but I experienced several more moments where I thought, "It's TIME to retire!" It started with two half-days, and three hour evening conferences on the torture devices known as cafeteria chairs. A colleague snapped this photo of me, sitting uncomfortably on my neck travel pillow with NO line of parents. (I did see some, but not necessarily enough to justify half days, and the back and butt punishment):

In spite of my creative problem solving, I still left the conferences feeling about 100 years old! Happily, the next day I went for a long walk in a park with a friend, and then enjoyed a wonderful Happy Hour in my favorite Irish pub!

I will say this again: I just have to retain my sense of humor until I retire. Today we went into our office and bathrooms in our Global Village portable, and found that ALL of our sh*t, including our printer, had been moved into the bathrooms. Without talking to anyone, they (whoever they are) had cleared out the office, apparently in preparation for a student who is too dangerous for the whole school population. Why sure, just put HIM(assumption) in our portable, where we use the restrooms, and send our printing! However, the printer is now in the men's restroom, so I had to make some inappropriate funny comments, after we kicked the male out of there. :) The urinal sure doesn't add to the ambiance. This weekend can't come fast enough, although I have  absolutely no plans, except with Mari and a great book. 

Storm dud

At least where I live(not on the coast), the BIGGEST STORM OF THE DECADE was a distinct bust. Don't ask my friends in Long Beach, or those who live in northwest Washington where the windstorm veered. But I'm grateful to have only this damage, when I was afraid several sections of my fence would come down(again!):

Thankfully, the supposedly HORRIBLE weather coming in didn't change my plans to see this incredible movie and then have a delicious dinner at Dukes. It was great to get out of the house, and give the non-existent storm a big middle finger, metaphorically speaking. ;) In a strange twist of irony, I had just discussed this guy, one of Ashley's professors at Columbia University(a real assh*le) before going to the film, then realized that the director's name was familiar. His wife! How weird is that? Tomorrow is a department chair meeting, and Tuesday and Wednesday are half days with conferences from 5-8 Tuesday on torture devices, also known as cafeteria circles. (not really chairs and punishing on the butt and back) In spite of the generally great weekend, including a miraculous Seahawks win, I'm not looking forward to this week. *sigh*

Stormalooza

October is hitting us with a ferocity that bodes ill for this winter. First of all, I absolutely hate windstorms for many reasons, starting with my parents' roof blowing off in the Columbus Day Storm of 1962. We came home from church, and it was lying in the yard. It shook me to the core and made me very insecure about WIND. Secondly, other bad stuff has happened along the way, like fences blown down, power outages that were truly nasty(worse without my handy husband here!) and the feeling of helplessness as I heard crashes and booms from outside, along with the house shuddering and groaning as the wind blasted into it. Of course, it was easier when Patt was alive; it's difficult to face down Stormaggedon without his calming, and capable presence. I have flashlights, battery operated lanterns and candles, beer, coffee(though how to make it hot is beyond me) and a well-stocked earthquake box. This is when, weakly, I just want someone else to take care of me, and I don't have anyone. pity party  I'm hoping it's not as awful as they are predicting, as sometimes happens in this area. As for our inservice day yesterday, it was terrible in many ways, starting with an idiotic colleague at Sbux making some tactless comments about the number of calories in my mocha and how it would affect my aging body(wanted to kill him!), and culminating in a meeting with the district World Language department where I realized that I truly dislike people who are self-important and arrogant. There are so many signs to retire that I don't know where to start. As a counterbalance, I do love and admire many of my colleagues, and will miss working with them! My students are also very important to me, but honestly, the rest of the job has become a real shitshow. Now, I must gear up for The. Big. Storm by drinking some beer and hanging out with Mari. An exciting life, eh?

Happy Hour Girl

Before Patt died, I had rarely, if ever, gone to a Happy Hour; I had no real idea what they were! We were mostly homebodies, or went out to dinner with friends. (never early because Patt worked late hours!) Now that I'm single and hanging out with daughters and various friends, I can easily recommend many great HH around the area. In fact, I've become sort of (embarrassingly?) an expert!

So, Friday I ended up at a Mexican restaurant Happy Hour with a close friend, where we drank beer, ate chips/salsa and trashed discussed men. I really needed to get out after our crazy "clown" week, where student drama hit us at every turn. This week it's more staff drama, but that's a story for another day...

We had epic bad weather this weekend, and of course I was scheduled to pick up some friends at the airport, thankfully in the daylight. It was still super scary driving in the heavy rain, with water on the road and a**holes in huge pick ups roaring by. However, I enjoyed waiting in the cell phone parking lot, listening to my Huskies demolish the Oregon Ducks in the first half. (Sorry, Anne!)

It's Homecoming Week at school, and my friend Tony dressed up for '80s day yesterday in an incredible mullet headband. It was easy for me to find sports gear for today, but I didn't keep any '80s stuff. (not that I would still fit into it!)

I also went out to a fantastic Happy Hour at Dukes last evening with Alison. The sky was blue, and the Bleu Cheese Caesar Salad and pesto/goat cheese tacos with corn salsa were incredible. Now you see why those clothes from 30 years ago wouldn't fit me!

It was so sunny that the top of my head disappeared! Alison and I  had a great talk, and she convinced me that I don't really want to be a lesbian. Hey, I was just joking! After all, I apparently don't understand men, and I already have short hair. But I think you have to be attracted to women, right? ;)

Today was a gloriously beautiful October day with mid-60s, and bright blue sky and sun, yet with a hint of fall. (37 degrees this morning) I mowed the lawn, then sat in the house enjoying the smell of freshly cut grass, while admiring my neighbors' colorful tree. I am happy that, in spite of how rough September and October have been, I can still find the beauty in small things.

This week has been...

H*LL! If I needed more signs to retire, there was this, and all the insanity and chaos that ensued. Teenagers are gossip mongers and drama queens, and their love of twitter made all the rumors and fear blow up! Of course, *some* of us have inappropriate senses of humor and were busy talking about "What a circus!" and "Send in the clowns." LOL A Happy Hour at my favorite watering hole would have helped, but that wasn't (and won't be) in the cards. sigh  On another note, one of our security guards seems to have an inappropriate amount of interest in me; at first, I thought it was probably my imagination, but a close friend has verified that he seems to only have eyes for me. Blech, he's a Trump supporter and not my type AT ALL. Plus, as a former colleague used to say, "Don't fish off the company dock!" Note to self: I need to make lots more plans with friends! I got very used to going out, not just to happy hours, but to movies and on walks, and it was FUN. I tried to connect with Alison tonight, but she was busy. So, Mari and I are hanging out and both of us are kind of bored. I guess that means I need to find some good reading. Or go back on Match which makes me dispirited and annoyed. At least next week is only three days with students, which is almost a vacation! :)

Highlights

Where there are "lowlights", there are always highlights and joys to TRY to focus on. Some days I am better at that than others, so this post will feature what I consider one of my greatest strengths, my resilience and ability to work at positivity. Cheesy, but true!

• BOOK CLUB-One of the joys of my life for the past decade(?) or so has been my Ram Book Club, made up of current or former teachers/staff from my high school. We don't always choose books we all enjoy, but almost always manage a lively discussion, while eating delicious treats. I was concerned about last week's September get together since we would only have 4/9 members and of those, merely two of us had finished The Sympathizer. But I found the book fascinating, and thought-provoking and really wanted to talk about it. Since the group was small, we not only had time to have a great discussion of the book, but also could share personal stories and details from our lives. An unexpected A+!
• SCHOOL-Two of my classes are still much too big(39 and 40), but I'm delighted with many of my students, even in those huge first year classes. They seem eager to learn, and make me laugh...or I make them laugh? Anyway, it's been better than I thought, besides the struggle with a couple of boys in 3rd period, and a negative group in 4th period. Although I'm 99% sure I'm retiring, this new batch of sophomores will make it poignant to leave.
• DAD'S 88th BIRTHDAY-September 30th(Friday) was his actual birthday, although we went out to dinner last night. We've discovered a Thai restaurant that all of us like, plus it's reasonably priced and not super crowded. My mom had a hissy fight when I insisted on paying, but I won that argument. And it's always special to get together with family, knowing that people can be gone in a moment. That's why one of my favorite quotes is Carpe Diem, seize the day!
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• I'm so glad that Alison could be there to celebrate! Ashley called from California, which was very thoughtful. My girls love their grandparents!
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• My 10 year old nephew really wanted to take some pictures with my camera, so I let him. This one isn't too bad. :)
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• My dad was fine about wearing this paper on his head, like my niece wanted. Evidently, the woman behind us thought that was weird. We aren't worried about what people think in my family! Well, not strangers in restaurants anyway. Now that the week is coming full speed at me, I'm feeling a bit less positive, but I'll continue to work on my attitude. Chocolate helps. ;)