Stargazer

The Flip Side

Or should my title be Hello, Blog? This week has gotten away from me with block schedules of 3 nearly 2 hour classes each day. That is simply too long to spend with the same group of kids. *sigh* Soon (in retirement) I probably won't have enough to keep me busy, in spite of a zillion repair and organizational projects around here. The problem is that I don't feel like doing any of them! Have you ever noticed that for every event there is a flip side? (more time=more procrastination?) As another example, I did call my late mother-in-law's half brother Jack, and we had an interesting and wonderful chat. He sounds like her! He was married a couple of times, has two daughters and two adopted sons. He got two biology degrees from the University of Alberta, then a PhD in biology from the University of Wisconsin, leading to work in the Wildlife Service in Manitoba, then in Saskatoon. However, in the process of communicating with Jack and his nephew's wife(a serious genealogy buff), I have discovered some disquieting information about my MIL that I can now never "unknow." The flip side, right?

When beloved former students stop by from their college spring breaks, I'm always delighted, and feel very special. But how will they find me next year when I retire? It will break my heart a little. It's the flip side of caring so much about my students, and valuing our connection and memories.

This is what our weather has looked like for a long, long time--gray and rainy. However, on the plus side, Henry and I were back on the Tacoma waterfront for a delicious dinner Tuesday, and great conversation at a retro, but fantastic restaurant. (at which we were probably the youngest patrons!) The flip side of this is that, as usual, we have no future date set up or even suggested. Down the road, this lack of contact may be a deal breaker, but right now, I will focus on the fact that I REALLY like this man. I wish he liked me half as much. That's the flip side of relationships though, isn't it?

Today was our first beautiful day in what seems like forever. Even Mari was dying to get outside in the sun. The flip side is that no matter how gray or depressing the weather has been, there will always be sunny and warm days coming. I'm trying to remember that, as I sit here wondering if anything I'm doing (retiring, dating, etc.) is the right thing to do. Does one ever truly know?

 

Laughter and tears

Wednesday was full of laughter, as I shared amusing moments from California with Henry, like my biking adventures(slipping around on sand, but falling in love with cycling) and when Ashley told me, "Henry probably just takes you to movies so you'll shut up." Wait, what? Henry laughed very hard, which made me giggle, since he has an infectious laugh. I also had to send one of my most gifted students outside this week because he persisted in asking me, "Pourquoi?" (why) However, leading up to that point and even after, the class and I shared lots of good natured hilarity. It's difficult to explain the chemistry a teacher can have with certain classes and students, but 3rd period is loaded with quirky, creative and challenging(in a positive way) kids. Many of them immediately bonded with my off the wall teaching style, unlike 4th period where I rarely feel like I can be myself. C'est la vie, n'est-ce pas?

On the genealogical front, my late mother-in-law's biological mother (pictured above) Beatrice Davidson Millar had a son, Jack who is 88, and living in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. He would like me to call him, according to his niece, but I have no idea how to do that without paying 50 cents per minute. Thus, I sent him a long letter after I returned from California. Honestly, I'm working up the courage to even talk to him since I didn't want him contacted in the first place. I just wanted to find him! This has been a good lesson to me to be careful about which closets to open. sigh On the bad news front, Henry's mom is failing, and will probably need to move into an assisted living facility or in with him. He doesn't think she would do well in assisted living, so that will mean a lot of changes for him (and his girls)...and us. That's the issue with meeting and caring about a good man. He truly is a wonderful person, and I am pretty sure(never 100%) that he wants to be with me, and plans on a future together, whatever that means. But who ever knows? And I dread seeing him even less than I already do. :(

I found a bunch of pictures of Huntington Gardens on my actual camera and realized again that the beauty of moments can never be captured in a photo. Last night, my parents' long time neighbor and wonderful friend of the family brought them gorgeous flowers, and told them that she had been diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. Pat has been at every one of our family events: weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, baby showers and even Patt's memorial, although she had lost her own husband to mesothelioma(a type of lung cancer) at age 65. Sometimes the unfairness of circumstances makes me absolutely furious and despairing. But I try to honor the message of these wise words from one of my favorite books:

To live every day as if it had been stolen from death, that is how I would like to live. To feel the joy of life, as Eve felt the joy of life. To separate oneself from the burden, the angst, the anguish that we all encounter every day. To say I am alive, I am wonderful, I am. I am. That is something to aspire to. -The Art of Racing in the Rain

 

 

La La Land-Margaret style

I did no actual singing or dancing in Los Angeles, which was actually Santa Monica, with a side trip to San Marino to visit the Huntington Gardens and another escape to Venice Beach during the LA Marathon. But I did live a bit of an alternate reality, like the movie! I laughed a LOT, sometimes hysterically, and other times cried, but in a strangely healing way. Ashley is one of very few people who understands that my life, happy as it mostly is, feels weird and surreal to me at certain moments, or that I still need to talk about and share memories of Patt. I often want to reassure him that his girls are doing OK, or share a funny story about something I did or said, just to enjoy him rolling his eyes. :) You don't just erase 33 years of your life, you know? Not that I would ever want to. As usual, I have to use my photos to organize(maybe?) my thoughts.

First of all, I met the beautiful Ziggy who is a loving, but mischievous beast, and can NEVER get enough to eat, at least as far as he is concerned.

He even thinks Ashley's pads are food, or perhaps a toy? We laughed about this, but NOTHING is safe from him, including his cat treats.

Huntington Gardens had some gorgeous plants, but the roses weren't blooming, sadly. However, the Temple of Love was beautiful as was the Desert Garden, the one I expected to like the least. And the drive there through Pasadena included LOTS of turns down residential streets with startling views of multi-million(billion?) dollar mansions that blew me away. Who lives in them? Not teachers, I'm pretty sure!

Santa Monica has incredible food, and quite a lot of it French, like this hole in the wall pastry shop. These are the delicacies of the day, and we picked four of the small pastries to the right, just to share. We ended up sneaking them in to this documentary, although only Ashley was brave enough to eat one. :) I loved the movie, by the way. It was beautifully filmed, meaningful and included many fascinating cats, people and messages!

My last day in LA, Ashley and I headed for Venice Beach which is GREAT for people watching. (note the couple walking toward Ashley) It is definitely full of free spirits and hippies. Like LA itself, it's a place I enjoy visiting, but I would never want to live there, even if I could afford California prices!

I would never have chosen to bike through Venice, Marina del Rey and Playa del Rey, especially when I heard that we had to come out onto the ROAD. (California drivers, it's no exaggeration!) However, I came to the conclusion that I needed to be more spontaneous, and "why the hell not?" Thus, I "sang and danced" in a different way, with an adventurous spirit and an openness to new experiences.

I don't know how far we biked, but the scenery and the exercise were fantastic; cheesy though it sounds, I felt utterly in tune with my body and spirit. Dumb or profound?

This whole experience made me really want to buy a bike, although cycling in Washington State is way different from in Southern California. There were certainly amazing moments, although I have now developed an intense hatred for Segways, and for people who jog/walk in the BIKE ONLY lane. Don't get me started on drivers who park or drive in them when cyclists are trying to avoid being killed by the ubiquitous California drivers. Now I'll end with a message for Ashley, who reads my blog. She asked me what my favorite trip to visit her has been so far, and I couldn't answer. Now, I will. THIS ONE.

Small things

I'm a huge believer in finding joy in the small things, which has allowed me to live my life in relative happiness.(in spite of a bunch of sh*t happening, and tragedies taking away those I loved) Getting these gorgeous tulips from my friend last week made my day, and then when they started to bloom, I was even more entranced by them. During our span of gray, rainy days, I found solace in their beauty. As a survivor of loss, a pet peeve I have is when people(including me!) sometimes ignore the "small things" because they are just waiting for better weather, the weekend, vacation, or whatever supposedly great event is coming. My late husband would have said not to put off living, no matter what the circumstances. He would have laughed sardonically about so many complaining about the weather ruining their existence. I can hear him saying, "You're ALIVE, aren't you?" Thus, I am writing about what I am thankful for:

• Ashley's plane from Seattle to Los Angeles on Sunday actually landed in Ontario, California, only 35 miles from downtown LA. They had hydraulic failure and had to be towed to the gate. (I got very little sleep that night, thinking of the possibilities) But in spite of the seriousness of the situation, everyone on the plane was safe, although inconvenienced (which I'm sure many made a BIG ISSUE OF). When Henry, my retired Boeing guy, explained to me yesterday what hydraulics do and how important they are, I became even more terrified about what could have happened. But it didn't, and I need to remember that.
• Alison invited me to a gymnastics regional competition April 1st at the University of Washington and I'm SO excited to watch high level gymnastics again. I'm also thrilled that she wants to spend time with me! We were supposed to get together for Pi Day on March 14th, but she had to pick up her boyfriend at the airport instead. Pi Day is very important to people with math degrees. I'm more about the excuse to go out for dinner, and maybe PIE. :)
• My lovely mom and dad are taking care of Mari, who has essentially become my cat! I'm grateful that they are still in decent enough health to do so. We chatted tonight when I dropped the kitty off; it never gets old to share stories with them. They are hilarious! I adore and admire my parents, and am thankful to still have them with us.
• Tomorrow I leave for Los Angeles to spend time with Ashley, and I'm looking forward to coffee, drinks, talks, laughs and whatever other adventures we get up to. I'm hoping for only positive ones! I'm very happy to have such a close relationship with both my girls. And I can't complain about the weather forecast down there, although I was hoping for a bit warmer. :)
• Dating Henry can be problematic at times, but when it's good, it's intensely wonderful. I love the laughs, the hugs, the closeness, the feeling of having a possible future with someone, even though it won't ever be marriage since neither one of us feels the necessity.Tomorrow, he'll pick me up at 8:15 for breakfast, then drive me to the airport on the anniversary of our first date a year ago. It's been a bit of a roller coaster with its ups and downs, but as a friend mentioned, he has always come back to me after his depressive episodes. I'm starting to let myself believe (a little bit) that he'll be in my life long term. And though I always try to be prepared for the worst, I would like him to be.

Saturday

Sometimes life has more in store for you than expected. This morning, I walked into my kitchen, peered at my hydroponic tulips(a gift from a dear friend) and found these, virtually overnight: 

   I couldn't help smiling at the delightful surprise of blooming flowers, especially considering our discouraging weather lately. Although yesterday was beautiful, most of the week has been gray, windy, and rainy. I try not to let it discourage me since I don't have any control over the weather, but I'm rather tired of my winter wardrobe of boots, leggings, warm tops and various coats with hoods. Poor Ashley is in Seattle for a conference, and the visitors, most of them non-Washingtonians, are dealing with this torrential rain. However, yesterday ALL the mountains were out; Ashley said the conference attendees were gaping at the panorama of amazing views! :)

After a lovely coffee date, I decided to work on some genealogy.The boy with stripes in the front is my maternal grandfather, Doc. (actually John, but he was a dentist so everyone called him Doc) His mother is behind him, and all the girls are his cousins. My favorite was always Rita Margaret Lievore, who came up to visit Grandpa from California sometimes. Rita was hilarious, with a big personality. When Grandpa tried to grow a mustache, Rita told him, "Johnny, you look like a pimp!" He shaved it off the next day, according to my mother. ;) Since I had just seen Henry Thursday(very fun, as always, although with a major awkward moment--long story!), I didn't expect to go out with him today; he had a funeral to attend and wasn't sure when he would be home. However, he texted me about 3 and wondered if he could pick me up at 4. No matter how this relationship works out(or doesn't), Henry is helping me learn to be more spontaneous. And patient! Neither of these qualities comes easily to me, by the way. On our way to my house from here, I noticed that my brother was at my parents', so I asked if we could stop by. And the minute we walked in, it was intense, but delightful chaos. My niece, and nephew added to the craziness! Henry handled everything very well, and told me afterward that I have a great family.(which I do, but they are LOUD and animated!) My brother really liked Henry, so that was also positive. Whew. I am so very grateful to have my wonderful family, my supportive friends and Henry in my life.  Everything can change in an instant, as I well know, thus I'm working hard at squeezing joy out of the moments and remembering to be thankful. :) 

Life...in bullets

It's been such a complex week, and one I can't really describe adequately. Whenever that happens, I seem to resort to bullets...

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• First, there's Henry, who sent me a photo of the two(?) stray dogs his daughters brought home. He wasn't a happy camper, but is putting on a smile because he's very nice and loves animals, even Mari who climbs in his lap(instead of mine) every time he's over! Poor stressed out guy though, since his mom has been in the hospital for heart issues since Saturday; she just got out yesterday. As the only retired or close child of 6, he has been carrying most of the load.  I'm happy that he's been texting regularly, and of course I've been understanding that we haven't been able to see each other. (because I know he wants to!) He told me in one text that he doesn't think his mom has long. :( We're supposed to get together tomorrow after I attend a friend birthday party, and I'm excited for both! I can't wait to give him BEAR HUGS!
• My own mother's kidney numbers are definitely worsening after 30+ of diabetes. We have told her about 1 million times to drink more fluids, but she is a stubborn woman. Hmmm, I guess I come by it naturally. I am concerned about her, although not obsessively. My mom will be 85 in May, and is very realistic about her mortality. However, my dad will never survive without her. He won't want to.
• My close friend in Alaska, Becky, emailed me yesterday to discuss her youngest son's troubles: suicidal, depressed, anxious, drinking too much, etc. It was terrifying, but I tried to be there for her. She understands that I have personal experience with suicide, and that dealing with it is particularly painful for me. Here is a photo of us in happier times:
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• I love Alaska, and this boat tour out of Seward was incredible! (except for the seasickness) I do look a little gray, don't I?
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• This constant rain(and cold!) isn't doing much for my hair; look at that crazy curl! Last night I went searching obsessively for photos of my late brother Don and his natural Afro. I didn't find what I was looking for, but took a trip down memory lane. Without tears, which was a triumph.
• Then there were Senior Boards today, way too early. Surprisingly, the presentations were much better than I expected. My room had 7, while others had 3 or 4 though! While we were taking a bathroom break, many people were leaving because they were FINISHED. I refuse to be grumpy now, although I was at the time! And tomorrow we're also scheduled for 7-WTH? Retirement is coming soon, and I will need to find other things to complain about, right?

Joys and disappointments

It's like that old adage; do you want the "bad" news or "good" news first? Since I'm in charge of this blog, I'll start with the negative. I've heard nothing from Jack, my late mother-in-law's half brother. Although I had mixed feelings about his family contacting him, they really wanted to, and were very excited. But now I'm worried that the news has upset him. (or it could just be that he lives far away in Saskatchewan, right?) I also dislike my latest book club book, and am having trouble making myself read it. I would rather delve into some of my favorite mysteries! March is also a disaster at school with ALL the crazy schedules. There is literally no normal teaching time, or the ability to get into a routine. More signs to retire, eh?

On the plus side, I had a fantastic time at my last Mardi Gras at school. It's difficult to believe that next year students won't be smirking/smiling/laughing at my robe and mask. Perhaps I'll have to wear it out to a local Cajun restaurant. ;)

Parent conferences from 5-8 Wednesday( only 4 parents showed up for me) should have gone into the negative file, but jokes with colleagues, as well as snarky comments between all of us changed the evening to THIS, hysterical laughter. And yesterday on our free half day, I saw an excellent film with Henry, then had adventures trying to find dinner, since the first two places we stopped had issues of one kind or another. The first one was having a huge party, and only allowing take out, while the next one didn't have any draft beer. (Henry is a beer snob) I laughed a lot! I do enjoy spending time with this guy and sure hope it continues. :)