Blog therapy

Today my mother, who is a demonstrative Italian woman, yet not as touchy feely or open as one might imagine, told me that I was beautiful, intelligent and nice, implying that I am somehow a prize in the romance department. ;) She never says stuff like that, so I was utterly shocked! I realize that she's trying to prop me up, seeing that I am damaged and sad, but I'm definitely not beautiful, obviously not smart about relationships and NOT feeling nice at the moment. If the Henry situation all went wrong when it felt so right, and it was such a good and fun relationship, then the only variable is who I am as a person. (a Golden Retriever, extremely loyal and loving) No, I'm not saying that Henry is innocent of wrong doing; his avoidance of honesty and communication wasn't fair to me, or even to himself. But my perceptions of the beauty of our relationship were also skewed by my feelings for him because it's hard for me not to care intensely. And I'm so open that I'm at enormous risk for hurt, which I've always known, but bet against. This time I lost, big time.

Ashley sent me this photo of a walkway over the Hudson; it made me want to visit Poughkeepsie! She says it's beautiful there, but that there are certainly some rough neighborhoods. If she tells me that, coming from N.Y.C. and then L.A., they must be quite sketchy! In searching for housing, they've fallen in love with a lovely house, not too much more expensive than the apartments they've looked at. My advice: Go for it, you're worth it! For most of her life(since she left home at 18) she's lived in sub-standard places, never with laundry facilities in the unit, and often with prehistoric plumbing, cockroaches, no dishwasher, tiny kitchens, etc. Life is too short not to treat yourself to what you dream of sometimes.

On another note, my petunias are thriving, as I would like to be at this stage of the summer.

However, I'm much more like this pathetic coleus, which is hanging on to life and hasn't grown at all. Like all of us, I've dealt with my fair share of adversity, thus I thought I was ready for this, seasoned, and able to handle it. (not so much, as it turns out) For those of you who haven't commented, but have sent me fascinating, supportive and loving emails and texts, I thank you so very much. I haven't met many of my blog readers in person, but I love you like family anyway. Considering some of my estranged family members, I actually love you more than that! xoxo

 

Comments

[Liora]

Life IS too short not to have some treats. I hope they find their dream house, whether that one or another, and that it all works out in the end. I wish good things for you, too, my friend. <3

[mccgoods]

I don’t think you did anything wrong at all. I also waver on Henry with yikes I hope he is okay and I’d like to kick him in the shins. I think I remember hearing parts of Poughkeepsie were a little sketchy. That picture is beautiful though. I say go for the house. Have something that is your “own” Does Ryan have to find a job there or is all set? When do they move?
I have a horrible green thumb so I can never grow anything. Those flowers are beautiful.

[Mary]

I am just going to say that I agree with your mother.

[WanderingCyberspace]

It's not you :) Nope, we've never met and I've probably learned more about you in these blog posts than in all of the time we've not met. :) Do whatever YOU need to do to get past this. You are fortunate to be surrounded by people who love and care for you, maybe for now, that's enough. :)

Ann

[Margaret]

I do let it all hang out in Blogland, don't I? As I told you, I'm more of Margaret Lite on Facebook. Part of the problem is that I don't know how to get past this, except time. I want to rush it, which doesn't work. Part of me never wants to date again, while the other part feels tempted to go immediately back into the on-line dating world. Yet I also worry that if this unexpected shock could happen, my judgment must be poor. I've lost confidence in myself.Thus, I have no clue what to do or how to move forward.

[Marie K]

Sounds like they should go for the house! I think you saw the warning signs, but wanted to love his whole person, which is admirable. You definitely have insight to people. Don't doubt yourself. You saw this much earlier...it's just very hard to deal with because of all the good times the two of you had. It felt right during the good times. When you feel ready, you will come across someone who is super special and right for you. You'll see. It will happen! :) Wallow for a bit, but not too long. You have so much to give the world and that new someone, whoever he turns out to be.

[Tonya]

I agree with Marie—you did see the warning signs, from the very beginning, really. The frequency of his withdrawals was concerning. It was definitely a roller coaster. :o(

I just feel so bad that you're going through this.

I've never tried to grow a coleus outside. I guess I always thought they were inside plants, and I had several of them back in the '70s! They would thrive, and then they would die.

[Anne@Headfullofbooks]

Sometimes we all just need to hear good things from our mothers. She is a wise woman!

[Ally Bean]

I'm jealous of your petunias. There I said it. As for your Henry romance, listen to your mother. She knows what's what.