Stargazer

The Flip Side

Although the past three days have been idyllic and busy with wonderful activities (as well as beautiful weather), nothing is ever quite that simple. There is nearly always the other side of the proverbial coin...

Ashley and Ryan have finally arrived in Madagascar, after a LONG time and several stops. One leg of their trip was on an Airbus 380(the double decker behemoth!) that I've always dreamed of flying on. 

The history of Antananarivo that Ryan has been sharing(from their guide) has been fascinating. 

I see a cathedral...

Ashley is walking upstairs since Antananarivo was built on three levels under the Merina dynasty: the upper city was for the royal family, the middle for the nobility, and the lower for the commoners. So...lots of steps!

In the center of the city is the heart shaped Lake Anosy, ringed by jacaranda trees. What an exotic place!

Street fair/market?

This appears to be a huge poinsettia!

In the meantime, John and I drove to Oregon, so that he could buy lots of expensive items (without tax); we also made it to an outlet store where I found some of my favorite Jockey underwear in my size (woot!), followed by a lovely dinner at the McMenamins in Centralia. Road trips can be very enjoyable, especially with great company and yummy food. John is such a good-natured companion!

John and I shared the best mac and cheese I've ever had, and an equally delicious salad. The employees were all so friendly too! I've lived in Washington my whole life and never been to Centralia, which has a quaint downtown area. I wonder how many other places I've been missing out on. I'm going to work at discovering more of these hidden gems.

Saturday it was on to the Pacific Northwest Highland Games where the lines were long, the kilts were abundant and the people watching was incredible, sometimes in a positive way, other times not so much. (Clan Inebriated??) We watched a dog agility demo with some of the cutest dogs ever, enjoyed the caber toss, listened to pipe and drum bands compete, saw some young dancers perform, and soaked in the energy of the many events and people. OH, such "fascinating" people! :)

Sweet Shelties.

This border collie wanted to warm up my feet by lying on them!

These are the elite women and men athletes; they were impressive to watch. The guys were huge (between 6'3 and 6'7) so the kilts looked rather incongruous on them. ;)

I loved seeing the young drummers in the back.

This group (SFU) were from Simon Fraser University in Canada. They brought down a large contingent, and looked quite chic in their kilts.

Yesterday John and I attended a one hour talk about the science of Star Trek at the Kent Library. I was extremely impressed by Dr. Michael Wong, a post doc at UW in the astronomy department. (he's an astrobiologist); John and I both love ST (Dr. Wong too!) and he was an excellent and fluent speaker. I could have listened to him for hours! Afterward, we moseyed over to Dukes at Kent Station for an early dinner. I still adore their marionberry pie! Too much. That meant an evening walk, with a lovely view of our potentially lethal volcano. 

Goat yoga anyone? I'm now ready for the Iowa State Fair experience! I'm trying to remain positive in spite of higher cholesterol numbers, higher blood pressure, and the reality that I'm probably going to need to do something about them. :( I'm feeling like my hard work to run and walk is pointless. I've been so dedicated, yet what has it really accomplished? I don't overeat or consume too much meat, but I'll still get stuck taking medication and having to watch my diet more than I would like. The flip side of aging is discouraging and depressing. In spite of the many highlights of my week, the health concerns have brought me down a lot. I understand that many people have things way worse, but please allow me this pity party. Sigh.

 

 

Time x 2

I knew this would be a rough week with Alison leaving for Ohio, yet it's also had beautiful moments. Those have included a get together with Alison, her boyfriend, close friends C. and J., and John, during which I took no pictures. :( Ironically, my laptop scrolls from my previous pictures, and as John, Alison and I were standing there, a photo of Henry and me came up. My reaction: There's Henry. Alison's whisper: You really need to delete some of your pictures. John: Oh, I thought that looked like Henry. (he worked with him at Boeing!)  If you think I'll get rid of any photos of Henry, you don't know me very well. I don't want to erase what was; I just want to appreciate the good, and learn from the experiences. We ate well, laughed and played "What do you meme," a not always appropriate game which occasionally confuses me, due to my innocence about various "terms." ;) Then there was the return of Ashley from two months in Senegal!

She first went there in 2009 to stay with a host family, and since then has been back every year, even living in the Casamance for a year on a Fulbright. Diarra was one of her host sisters, and has remained a friend. I love this photo not because they are both so glowing, but also because my daughter matches the wall! :)

THIS is happiness! She is home to Poughkeepsie with Ryan and Zig. Where she belongs.

I love even cloudy views of Mt. Rainier from Highway 410, but the traffic, oyy!! Book Club was spent on a sunny deck overlooking Lake Tapps. We even saw an eagle!

Our dessert was a yummy banana ice box cake. Isn't it pretty? Although we were split on "Circe" (I loved it!), it was still a decent discussion. I've always enjoyed stories about mythology!

When I saw this tee-shirt on Amazon, I knew it was "The One." Now I have to hope that it will be long enough in a men's medium to cover the semi-transparent goat leggings in certain sensitive areas. TMI? And I'm spending WAY too much money for this goat yoga! Yet all of my purchases make me excited for an event that would normally appall me. Yoga. Goats. Need I say more? ;)

John is babysitting his granddaughter today, and you can see how thrilled he is. Such a lovely man! Tomorrow he wants to come to my place to deal with some of my old wood fence panels, Friday morning we'll take off for Portland because he intends to make some big purchases sans sales tax (a road trip!), and Saturday we're headed to the Highland Games in Enumclaw. I'm excited for bagpipes, kilts and the caber toss! Sunday we may go to a library event about the science behind Star Trek; we're both nerds, so it sounds fascinating to us. :) Time (old age?) has taught me about the inevitability of change, and that nothing lasts, but I've also learned to appreciate these joyful moments when they come. Wisdom, right?

 

Time

To quote some clichés: Time is fleeting, time is cruel, time is the great healer. Time marches on...

John sent me this photo he found of his early days as a Boeing electronics technician. I had those big glasses too! This young John isn't the guy I know though, cute as he is. It seems strange that we are now in a very different stage of life, that we've just recently met(nearly a year ago!), and that we've had marriages/relationships and childrearing with other people. Neither one of us is the same person we were back then!

At the end of the table is a young Margaret in the Rogers High School Staff lunchroom, enjoying a birthday party, and looking quite "stylish" in huge shoulder pads. :) My past wardrobe of dresses, high heels, suits, fancy blouses and nylons verifies how much I've changed in the last 30 years or so. I'm very casual now, and rarely care how I look. Time changes not just the face or the fashion sense, but also our attitudes!

We've had beautiful weather lately, so I've enjoyed time on the deck, admiring my plants, like this coleus. It was teeny when I planted it.

The breeze is delightful out here when I'm reading in the afternoon.

The end of July is time to admire my Stargazer, which is blooming much better this summer, perhaps due to milder temperatures and the bulb fertilizer I used. I thought it was a goner last year, and wondered if it was a sign to give up my blog. I'm glad I didn't. 

Today was the first of a couple good byes I'll say to my younger daughter, who is leaving Friday for Ohio with her boyfriend. I'm happy that we spent a lovely lunch together, laughing and chatting with my elderly parents. It meant a lot to them. You already know how concerned I am about her move, since I've whined about it numerous times already. Another cliché: Time will tell. Sigh.

I'm now ready for the Iowa State Fair goat yoga because my pants arrived, and the small size fits. However, they are a little see-through, so my hunt for an appropriate shirt is on! Ashley is coming back from Senegal on Wednesday, then leaves on her late honeymoon to Madagascar a couple days after that. In mid-August we'll meet up at the Fair! As the saying goes, time flies. Is that good or bad? I haven't quite figured that out yet.

Stargazer in bloom

My Stargazer lily is beginning to flower, although it's been struggling the past few years, a little like me. I blame this mostly on the many tulip bulbs I planted in the same bed, which took energy away from my gorgeous lily. Like me though, Stargazer is very much alive, perhaps not as robust as she once was, but finding smaller ways to be beautiful. :)

Yesterday, John and I took the light rail up to the Seattle Aquarium because he had a free pass from the King County Library. What we didn't realize was that tourists flock to Seattle during our glorious summers (heard many languages), children are out of school, and many day camps take their kids to the aquarium...en masse. So, there were crowds, but also excitement when little ones spotted a huge octopus, playful river otters, and NEMO. In so many ways, we got a beautiful day.

There was even an anemone. It's hard to say that word, isn't it?

I love seahorses, which seem like fantasy creatures. And the world "under the sea" is so varied, colorful and unique.

Harbor seals look like water dogs to me. They are extremely graceful in the water!

We spent a long time watching the sea otters, which were adorable sleeping on their backs. This guy was definitely awake though!

They were so sweet! I didn't take pictures (or video) of the smaller river otters; they were playing ferociously, and it was hilarious and reminded me of water kitties. I also enjoyed the delight on the faces of the young aquarium visitors. What a great experience for them!

Then it was on to the waterfront for lunch. Since we'd seen live salmon and halibut at the aquarium, we ended up here, where John chose halibut fish and chips and I had Copper River salmon tacos. Sorry, fish! ;) We sat on the sunny deck and looked over the water, as we watched the ferries leave, and the Seattle Wheel turn. It was idyllic!

I wish it had been clear enough to see the Olympic mountains, but this was good enough. Carpe diem, eh?

Yesterday Ashley sent me a WhatsApp about her experiences in a Senegalese village, where she interviewed people about their experiences with a phosphate mine nearby. They told her how their kids all get sick, their animals and crops die, and that nothing survives there because of the mine. Yet they're compensated for none of this because the state and company don't admit that their village even exists. I felt impotent rage, as I always do when innocent people suffer injustice. What can we do to rectify this though? In my country, there appears to be "money" or more debt for military and other priorities(golf trips?), while 9-11 first responders are denied the benefits and care they desperately need for their medical issues. I've found myself angry and frustrated about so much lately. Thus, it was helpful that Ashley shared these goat pants with me today; she was probably joking about me wearing them for the Iowa goat yoga, but they're already on their way from amazon. They're quirky and fun, and exactly what will make me smile while doing goat yoga in Des Moines in 90+ degree weather. Well, maybe grimace?

Does this chair make my butt look big? :) I'm very glad that John and I had such a special time in Seattle; it's sort of distracting me from the reality of my younger daughter's move to Ohio in the next week. Writing out my feelings and worries has always helped me. Thanks for listening, Blogland. xoxo 
 

 

Untethered

Perhaps I spoke too soon of my happiness and my learning because today I woke up in a funk. John is busy with his family, and not much in touch(that's OK, but it does remind me of Henry), Alison is moving away soon, and the day stretched ahead of me with no plans and not much to do. OK, I COULD have cleaned, organized cabinets, and done yard work, but that wouldn't have cheered me up at all. 

Thankfully, there was this sweet girl who purred and cuddled this morning, as I played Wordscapes and Red Herring. After my run, I decided to deactivate Facebook(sorry, Donna!) because all the political uproar on there is making me feel even worse about the world. It's increasingly painful to read the rhetoric, the lies, and the excuses, which are followed by no consequences and more accusations. I'm tired and dispirited, as well as incredulous at what is being said and done; I'm constantly shocked that there are no real repercussions. It's starting to feel terrifyingly normal. I read an interview with George Will that discouraged me to the depths of my soul. GEORGE WILL! He's a conservative who doesn't see any hope for "unringing those bells or undoing the damage that this president has done to our culture, and civic discourse." :(  What's left for me then, with a MIA boyfriend (for the first time I feel a little insecure), a crazy country swinging hard to the authoritarian and racist right, and daughters too far away? 

Mani/pedi therapy, that's what. The latest Chet and Bernie mystery. Some therapeutic lawn mowing and yard work. They don't fix anything, but they do help pass the time and keep me occupied. Anything that prevents me from overthinking is a plus right now.

Things I've learned

These are random bits of Margaret "wisdom," in no specific order...

• As the saying goes, the only way out is through. I've learned that grief is a definite process; sadly, there are no shortcuts. Although I knew that Patt was dying and should have been prepared, it didn't lessen my pain at losing him. In spite of Henry's issues, I struggled through a different (but also agonizing) grief journey. Recovering had little to do with meeting John (a huge bonus!) but was more related to time, tears, deep thinking, and the support of many loved ones who listened, listened and then listened some more. In Blogland too, my friends stood figuratively by my side, sending me messages of love, sometimes much needed tough love, and making sure that I recognized my own worth. 
• On a related note, caring and connection can grow as you spend more time with a person. That has been a gift with John. I was very unsure of the relationship at first because I did meet him too soon after Henry.  I was aloof and insecure, and not sure that I was being fair to him or to myself. I'm happy (embarrassed?) to tell you that I've turned back into the human Golden Retriever, affectionate and excited for each new adventure! 
• A month from today I leave for Iowa, where I will probably die from the heat. I'm a Washingtonian, so high 90s and 100s are not my style. However, I've learned to take some risks, and to remain open to interesting opportunities. Ashley and Ryan will be there, as well as Ryan's parents, who live in Ottumwa. We'll attend this concert the evening I get there (never heard of this guy, have you?), attend the Iowa State Fair with its full size cow made out of butter, and even go to goat yoga. Ashley discovered that she could buy tickets to the yoga class from Senegal, and I thought, "Why not?" Now I'm wondering what one wears to goat yoga. ;) It'll be fun, right? 
• I've learned that it's never easy to say goodbye. Alison leaves for Ohio on July 26th; they qualified for the house they wanted to rent in a little town an hour away from Cincinnati. She seems happy about it, whereas I'm mopey. When I saw her new address 1,900 miles away from here, I couldn't stop tearing up. But this is part of her journey, possibly just a bumpy detour. I've been on a few of those myself, so who am I to judge her path?
• 
• This was my sister-in-law's 40th birthday party(my parents are in the second row, far right), but I couldn't be there since I'd already committed to John's family get together. I felt a little guilty about this, although it was my only chance to meet his older daughter, her husband and their two foster daughters.I've learned the hard way that I have to make choices, and that sometimes that means self-care, not just doing what is expected. As a first born child, I've tended to be overly dutiful and self-sacrificing. I had a wonderful time meeting people who are important to John, all of whom were close friends with his late wife, Christine. It could have been awkward, yet they were so welcoming, and excited to get to know me. They seem delighted to see John happy again! As well as learning to let go, I'm reluctantly learning that change is inevitable and that if I intend to find contentment, I'll need to accept that fact and roll with it. However, I also give myself permission to rail against it at times because that's how I am. :)

Magic

My life is not full of magical moments or days. It is generally decent, with times of joy, sorrow, stress and excitement mixed together. In other words, normal. Yet today I discovered that magic does exist...and it crept up on me. Although I still don't know what will happen down the road, I'm now feeling that magic with John, an unexpected gift after the shock and disappointment of Henry. I feel superstitious even writing this, so bear with me. I've loved and lost, and grown from it, I hope. There haven't been any words of love between John and me, yet today I felt an overwhelming sense of belonging to each other. Does that sound weird? Pretty cheesy, eh?

 

Yesterday I went up to John's house with the potato salad I made for his family party tomorrow, took photos of his flowers, and then we watched our latest obsession TV series "Dark-Season 2, Episode 2." The series is fascinating because I enjoy time travel and shows that make me think. However, it's so complex that it sort of breaks my brain. John has a synopsis, and a family tree of the complicated characters, which helps, but not always!

We played with his fish eye lens...

I volunteered to go with him to Sequim (a two hour drive) to fetch his 90 year old mother, so that she could be at his house to enjoy those precious moments with his older daughter, husband and foster daughters (up from Texas for a wedding), his younger daughter and family(newly moved here from North Carolina) and other friends and relatives. I expected just a road trip, but it was so much more.

With John it meant stopping here for the view and the Native American art shop. OK, I also had to use the restroom, but that wasn't the reason! ;)

If only I could pronounce this...

Living in Sequim, home of the Lavender Festival, his mom has lots of it around, so he cut some. It was so beautiful and fragrant!

We drove by some lavender farms, and stopped by here for a delicious lunch. It was all lovely!

John decided that we would come back from Sequim a different way via the Bainbridge Island ferry to Seattle instead of over the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. I've lived in Washington for 62 years, but never been on Bainbridge Island. It's gorgeous, and so was the ferry ride into Seattle. John's mother and I bonded, we all had a great time, and John told me afterward that having me with him helped 150% :)

We saw a couple of huge cruise ships on their way to Alaska. It's difficult to spot from my photo, but there's a slide on the top and we could watch people going down it. What a spectacular day!

Here are a couple of happy squinty faces. (it was sunny!) Since I'm realistic, I'll admit that I'm still pondering our feelings for each other. Tomorrow I'll be facing a huge family event, and meeting his older daughter and her family for the first time. But I truly believe that John has my back, as the saying goes. He appears to be in this relationship for the long haul, as am I. Most importantly, I'm happy.

Storm(s)

We've had a strange summer so far with no extremely hot weather. I'm thankful for that, although the lawn and plants definitely need the rain! Did I mention that we're also in a drought? The simple explanation is that our mountains didn't get enough snow, thus the summer melt that we depend on for water and irrigation is way below normal. However, today there was this...

It's difficult to take a photo of a torrential downpour with the rain bouncing off the deck. You can see that my petunias aren't fans of the rain. Hopefully, my tomatoes will survive. During a more typical July, I would be out here sitting at the table, reading and staying cool in 80-90 degrees. Since this area gets morning sun, it's a perfect afternoon spot to escape the heat. When it's only 70 degrees though, I would need a jacket. Today I would need a jacket, and an umbrella. :)

I admire this nicer weather photo of my deck plants, and think,"Oh, they look beautiful and have grown so much!" Of course, I also remind myself that my deck is looking like it needs to be re-stained in the near future. The joys of being a homeowner. 

John and I went to see "Toy Story 4" yesterday because it was $5.50 day at the cinema near his house. Even if the movie isn't great, that's a cheap price! We both enjoyed the film(him more than me), and then headed for dinner here. We sat at the bar, and shared these small plates. Although I love beets and goat cheese, this salad was missing something. Some balsamic perhaps? A bit of greenery? The lasagna was delicious! And the locally brewed Mac and Jack's African Amber Ale was A+!  As most of you figured out before I did(rebound emotions), John is such a lovely guy! Although I don't intend to discuss it much, there are some not-so-literal storms in my life that I'm trying to weather. Both daughters are in the midst of personal and professional tumult. It's tough to know what to say/do, and when to shut up be quiet. It's tricky to figure out when to be a cheerleader, and when to dispense Tough Love. Yet when one daughter texted me, "Tell me if you want me to stay," I responded that I couldn't make that decision for her, even though I'm nearly 100% sure she's making a mistake. (I didn't say that last part) Things seemed so much simpler when they were small; I'm not on board with the complexity of these adult storms. Sigh. 

 

Fireworks and the 4th

When I still taught, the 4th was a turning point of the summer, when it truly felt like I was on vacation. As the saying goes, for teachers June is Friday night with the relief from a stressful week/year, July is Saturday, the true part of the break, and August is Sunday, when all you can focus on is what you need to accomplish before school begins in September. Oh, I still tried to relax and enjoy August(my birthday month), but the To Do lists kept growing, and dates and deadlines were always at the back of my mind. Perhaps it's because I'm signed up for some trips, or it could be that I'm enjoying the flexibility, the extra walking, the time to read, the outings with John, but I'm finally CONTENT to be retired. I'm comfortable with my own schedule, and mostly busy enough not to fret about being a lazy slug! :) 

Since Alison and her boyfriend were flying to Texas(then driving to New Mexico) for his grandmother's funeral on the 4th, they asked if we could get together on the 3rd. I had lots of food already, it's legal to light off fireworks in my area, so why not? I don't know how much they spent on fireworks, but as I've already mentioned to Alison, "You won't have a job in two weeks. You're going to need to budget!" That has never been her strong suit...

This is probably my favorite photo that I captured. They had all sorts of mortars and artillery shells, which sound like rockets launching, but then turn into beauty. 

I love the flowering ones!

I even made a patriotic dessert of strawberry/blueberry shortcake. Don't get me started on our President's military parade though, OK? I identify as a lifelong American, but not always a proud one. Enough said.

On a brighter note, memes like this about a certain person's speech have made me howl ALL DAY.

Seriously, I just can't get enough!

I bought this shirt at the Gettysburg Harley Davidson store when Alison was in a gymnastics championship 13 years ago! I recently found a drawerful of old treasures tee-shirts, so I chose this ancient one to wear on the actual holiday.  It even has a hole in the armpit. ;) A couple of longtime friends and John came over; we had a wonderful time, delicious food, and interesting conversations. We played bocce(I lost) just like we used to on this holiday. The fireworks around us were spectacular...and FREE. The more I'm around John, the more fortunate I feel that he is my boyfriend! (a silly word though, isn't it?) Yet being with old friends who knew me from the beginning of my relationship with Patt 40 years ago, and a newish guy, it sometimes felt like a surreal juxtaposition of my past and present. We did all the same activities, but as different people, living changed lives. C'est la vie? We look back, we mourn for what was, and then we move on. Change, just like sh*t happens.

 

 

July reflections

Although I don't currently have a dog, we always used to have a couple of them. I think I'm too self-centered to take care of one, plus I have many travel plans. But seeing a picture like this makes me want the constant adoration of a dog. Mari is not the same...

Maine coons are a lot like dogs though! Ziguinchor aka Zig or Ziggy is shown here snuggling with Ryan as he/they WhatsApp(new verb!) with Ashley in the Casamance, where Ziguinchor is the largest city. She flies back to Dakar tomorrow, and I hope she's been enjoying the time with friends. It's her favorite place to live in Senegal!

John's younger daughter, her husband, and his granddaughter made it to his house after their own road trip from North Carolina. They're moving back here, and are very happy about that, as is John. Doesn't he look delighted?  :) He invited me up to visit with them, but I declined tactfully. It didn't feel quite right to intrude on their family reunion...

In the meantime, my younger daughter is getting ready to move to Cincinnati at the end of this month, which makes me unhappy/scared/stressed/sad, you name the negative emotion. I'm worried for her because of many reasons, including but not limited to the fragility of her relationship, the lack of job, the absence of any friends or family in Ohio, etc. I keep telling myself that I can't make decisions for a 29 year old, yet OH, HOW I WISH I COULD. I would have her back with Kramer in a heartbeat. I like this new guy, but I miss Kramer. By the way, we earned first place in a Trivia tournament, and a $25 gift card to Flanagan's pub. I will also miss these outings together. Sigh.

I'm not much for antique shops, although my town is full of them. Alison and I browsed around for a while; it seemed more like a museum than any place I would actually buy anything. I did roll my eyes over this old poster though! I wonder what our many females in the military would think of the sentiment? 

Do people still refer to marriage as that "old ball and chain?" Alison couldn't believe this wedding topper. Not exactly romantic, eh?

This rose, a gift from a long ago French Club, is blooming a ton this year. It's under my big rhododendron, thus I didn't even notice it! It reminds me that a year ago today was the last time I saw Henry when I ran into him at Starbucks. He was ghosting me horribly at the time, but we talked, and he called our accidental meeting fortuitous. According to him, he needed time and space to figure out whether he wanted to be in a relationship. When he was leaving, he grabbed me for a bear hug and a kiss, then did it again, almost compulsively. I felt hopeful that he would sort himself things out. If I could have looked ahead a month, I would have held on a bit longer, and told him that I loved him, and wished him well. But without really realizing it, I've grown and "flowered," and made a life with John. I'm not quite sure how that happened because it was gradual and I didn't notice. I'm grateful for this new relationship, although it did come after an ocean of tears and regret. Over the past couple of years, I've adapted the best I could to challenging and tragic situations. I thought I would be married forever, and then I wasn't. I believed Henry was my Chapter 2, but that fell apart. I'm finally at a place where I feel peace, mixed with nostalgia for my lost loves. They will always be part of who I am.