Stargazer

Epidemic Etiquette

I may be turning into a petty person, but I'm bothered by things that never concerned me before. There have been several instances lately when I've been running, and walkers were coming toward me on both sides of the street, equally distant. Can't they face traffic like they're supposed to, so that I don't need to run in the middle of the street to keep my approved distance? Many of them have figured out the problem, and crossed the road, but others were obsessively focused on their phones and oblivious. Perhaps I'm just grouchy? 

Apparently, some (many?) are spending TOO much time hunting down groceries because they have plenty of everything. They never whine about the lack of toilet paper, flour, yeast or some of the other items that are extremely difficult to find. They're posting gorgeous photos on Facebook of all the cookies, cakes and breads they're baking, while I'm over here trying to figure out how to make deviled eggs. (a craving, OK?) I ended up finding unexpired mayo, and paprika, but no onions, thus I used some of the onions from my salsa. And the eggs turned out great, with a little bit of zip to them! I also combined left over soup with rice to make another meal because as my Depression era Dad always says, "Waste not, want not." It's not like I'll starve, but I'm definitely feeling some food anxiety, probably due to my fear of going into the actual store. This too shall pass...

Comfort food! :)

On my walks, I try to be aware of the beauty around me.There is so much anger and ugliness in the news right now. I find myself drawn into it sometimes which adds to my fear and depression.  This article made me more hopeful about my state leadership in comparison to other places at least, although I do worry about Ashley and Ryan in New York! I took this picture because I liked the variety of textures in these clouds. And I always love blue sky!

The flowering trees help me appreciate the beauties of this bizarre spring, and a March that feels like it's lasted for years. 

At my suggestion, John and I did a remote Happy Hour via FaceTime, and it was very enjoyable, although not even close to seeing him in person. He admitted that he's a loner, and fairly comfortable with this, while I explained to him that as a social type, I'm struggling with the distance and the loneliness. :( Thankfully, we also enjoyed many laughs, and had an excellent conversation. Sadly, I don't know what the future holds for our relationship in these crazy times. yet I'm working at maintaining a close connection with him, as well as with my friends and family, day by day and bit by bit, by texts and phone calls, through FaceTime, Facebook and Instagram. They are small things, but they're all I've got at the moment. 

The Psychology of a Pandemic

Bit by bit, my routines and relationships have been altered or stripped away. I took my trips to the store for granted (oh, TP!), didn't appreciate my coffee dates, outings and Happy Hours enough, and certainly didn't understand how the lack of physical contact and company would affect me. Although I'm not paranoid, the fear of stepping inside a grocery store is like inching my way to the end of a diving board, and then plunging into unknown waters. I've never needed much personal space, yet now if anyone even looks like they're approaching me, I distance myself quickly and fearfully. I'm wondering how long it will take once this nightmare is over for me to relax. Will I ever be able to freely give hugs and kisses without worry? Will we all become more distant and isolated? Although one of my biggest fears is our President and his misinformation and ineptitude, I DID want to believe him about a quick vaccine. However, I'm also a realist, and know how much the man lies...about everything. Sigh. My day did have some highlights though:

When my friend suggested a coffee date in my driveway, I was very excited to talk with her face to face. I wish the weather would have cooperated, and it could have been warmer,  but our conversation was lovely, with a few tears on my part. I've never done well emotionally in long distance relationships which is what I have with everyone right now. 

I was glad for my retirement afghan from my high school. It kept my legs warm at least!

Here's my sweet guy "Zooming" with his 91 year old mother, two daughters, and their kids. Zoom video conferencing is extremely popular these days(obviously), so I downloaded it, hoping to use it with my daughters. I would also love to host an on-line Book Club! However, my Windows 10 camera doesn't want to play nice with the program, and I've tried everything, so I may have to stick to FaceTime. Will all of these remote apps change us too? I think they already have...

Today's lunch from Pandemania: a salad and half a tangelo. Since I'm now a bit store phobic(is there a word for that?), I don't have as many sweets or chips around, so I guess that's good? I've discovered that I can't keep Nacho Cheese Doritos in the house because they're irresistible. :( As a positive, there doesn't appear to be any issue getting fresh produce in my grocery delivery, hence the salad.  In fact, I'm savoring my food and drink more because shopping has become so problematic. Tonight I may even watch some TV. Have I mentioned that in the over two weeks I've been back from my trip back East(feels like 100 years), I haven't even turned on my set? It's time to explore a few mindless programs, and entertaining series. Thank you for any recommendations you can offer! :)

Covid Critique

My evaluation of this crisis would be mostly negative: from the depressing isolation part to the still scarce toilet paper. A few days ago I decided to try out the on-line grocery ordering from a local store; I wanted to pick up the groceries since I figured it would be cheaper, and give me a chance to drive my car. GET OUT! SEE PEOPLE...from far away. However, the date for pick up was three days out, thus my original order changed by the minute day, as they ran out of what I had asked for. What I finally got today was a disappointment: lousy looking tangelos, 1 out of the 10 Cascade Ice drinks I'd ordered, and only a couple of the Amy's Dinners that I'd requested. First world problems, right? At least, those new lovers of Cascade Ice Pink Grapefruit aren't fans of Ben and Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream, since that was still in the order ;)  Now for this harsh criticism: there are WAY too many people out. The parking lot at Safeway was pretty full. The local hardware store was doing a brisk business. Are that many people really having hardware emergencies? At this rate, I'll be stuck in my house for years, until they come up with a vaccine! 

A critique also includes the positive, thus this screen shot that my sister-in-law sent me of my parents (91 and 87) FaceTiming my nephew and niece with their new gadget was priceless and incredibly sweet. It made my day! Mom and Dad have always been anti-internet, but this connection could make them change their mind, especially since my daughters (and new grandbaby at the end of May) live back East...:(

In other good news,  I took my painful knee on a run, and a walk; the injury looks gruesome, but is doing OK. On my route, I saw many walkers, some of them new to me, like whole families out in the fresh air.  That made me very happy! I knew they were newbies because they weren't carrying umbrellas. I could have told them that even if the sky is blue when you leave, the wind could (and will) blow in lots of rain! And you can NEVER believe what the cell phone says about weather in our location because I've been burned (drenched?) by that a few times. 

This wonderful lady, a John Denver fan like my late husband, was my parents' neighbor and friend for decades, and became a part of our family; she attended baby showers, birthday parties, and anniversary festivities. My parents took care of her house and mail when she would visit her children, and she would always bring them a poinsettia at Christmas, as well as invite them to her own get togethers. The poinsettia that she gave them this year is still in great shape, yet it's the end of March! I'm lucky to keep mine alive until Christmas. Pat was a very special lady, and we will certainly miss her. But they can't even do a memorial service for her. :( Now for my critique of myself: I texted John this morning to say hi and find out how he's doing, because I need to work on being a logical and caring adult, in spite of my over the top emotions. I can feel sorry for myself, but I'm not the only one struggling right now, so I can't make this all about me. I can wonder if our relationship will survive this distancing, although I get the impression that he wants and intends it to. I can wallow in self-pity about being alone, while also rejoicing in my life of financial security and relative ease. I can share my thoughts and my feelings on this blog because I trust my readers to understand and appreciate that I really am doing my best. xoxo

 

Coronacrises

Since I live alone, I tend to spend too much time dwelling on the various crises in the Covid19 fight: the new(and old) hotspots, the people NOT distancing, and the extreme arrogance and ignorance of many of our elected leaders. I fret about Washington State receiving a C in social distancing, when we should know better! Come on, red counties, with your F grades, do your part to save us from further quarantine. Incidentally, I will mention that any right wing bloggers who refer to this virus as the China virus or the KungFlu will get a pass from me. Besides that, blogging and Facebook have been my lifelines, although Facebook has also caused me much frustration and anger at times. (but many adorable and funny memes and inspirational posts too!) My crises seem so small in comparison with what's going on in the nation, and the world...

Mari loves my soft, CLEAN shirts, so I had to chase her out of the laundry basket. 

Thankfully, the back picked up no cat hair at least. I bought this tee-shirt in early March on my trip to Ohio/Kentucky and New York. Can you believe that things were relatively normal back then? This virus moves incredibly fast. It's terrifying.

My walk included this crisis, when I was looking up instead of down, and suddenly the shoulder gave way under my feet. Before I could even utter a few swear words, I was falling into the ditch! It's worse than I thought it was, but at least it didn't rip my favorite leggings. However, it's become increasingly more painful as the day has worn on. And on, and on, as the time does now...This news made my day though! It's been one of my biggest fears that Ashley would have to give birth alone, so I'm very relieved, although also sad that I won't be there with them. It's not what we planned for, or what we envisioned. Welcome to the world of Covid19. :(

Covid Carousing on a Friday night

Well, what's the opposite of carousing? The internet says "grieving." Hmm, that's quite accurate. When I retired, the days seemed to blend into one another, but NOT like this. I often need to ask "Alexa" what day of the week it is! I know I could find out on my iPhone, but I'm not one who carries it around with me constantly. Today was a monumental day:

I held Mari off from eating my food. She's pretending not to look at it, but cheese is one of her passions. She's a fanatic about all dairy, especially cottage cheese.

I dyed my OWN hair for the first time in decades; it was just as messy, challenging and frustrating as I remember. I missed a few spots, I only wanted the dark ash brown on the roots, AND I'm back to my former natural color, but with a much older face. Still, the shade does match my eyebrows and eyes, so that's a good thing!

I took my new hair out for a rainy walk since I had no other plans. My calendar is empty. The good news is that I've reached my 14 days back from New York, thus I'm no longer Typhoid Margaret. The virus is still rampaging here, but I've been a real homebody since I got back, for the most part. (a few car coffee dates and one trip to the store) It doesn't mean I can't catch it, just that it's probably much less likely. John still doesn't mention seeing me though, so I'm assuming that we're not really a couple. Dating, but definitely not committed. It's good to understand where I stand, right?

It wasn't a pretty walk, although the trees are getting more color. I love spring! My story for the day: last Easter, I was in Montreal with Ashley, and Alison needed a new phone, thus she called me about our family plan, and getting that "free" wifi hotspot that I've blogged about. Unfortunately,  although it WAS free, the service to it costs $20 a month on a 2 year unbreakable contract. I was grouchy about the waste of money until today, when my parents got to FaceTime for the first time with Ryan and Ashley. It was due to a combination of Alison's naivete about salespeople, Ryan's extra iPad mini and shared photo album, my determination to get it all working, and Ashley's persistence encouragement towards all of us to try it. My parents adore the slideshow pictures, and had a wonderful experience doing a virtual tour of Ashley and Ryan's apartment (including the nursery) on FaceTime, as well as seeing their iconic orange cat, Ziguinchor (Ziggy) in action. Serendipity? Who knew a year ago, or even two weeks ago that we would be where we are now, isolated from each other? :(

I love this photo from Poughkeepsie: the beautiful sun, my daughter's gorgeous pregnant belly, and her reluctant cat. Ashley has a labor and delivery situation unlike anything the rest of us have ever dealt with. It's a whole new world in hospitals right now, and I feel so devastated for her about the decisions she'll have to make. I've emphasized to her that she needs to write all of this down in her pregnancy journal because it's extremely important to chronicle these experiences. That's part of why I'm blogging too so much too. I enjoy when people read, and comment, but right now, I'm doing this mostly for myself.

 

"My Corona"

I'm thinking about making up new COVID 19 lyrics for the ultra annoying song "My Sharona" because I'm bored out of my mind. Seriously. Yesterday I ate half a bag of Nacho Cheese Doritos. At this rate, I'll weigh 300 pounds by the time this is over. (will it ever be over?) Today I discovered that a friend and former colleague's mother is in hospice, and dying of coronavirus. She also had MS, which I'm sure made her much more susceptible. She won't get a ventilator for obvious reasons, but she will also die completely alone.  It's devastating for her, but also for her family who want to be there for her and with her. Speaking of that, Ashley, Ryan and I had the "talk." It's the one where we all admitted to ourselves that I wouldn't make it back to New York for the baby's birth. (my dream!) It's when we realized that it wouldn't be worth me traveling there and possibly bringing some contagion to them or getting sick myself. It's also when they discussed possibly doing a home birth instead of a hospital one, an idea that utterly terrifies me, although I understand their reasons. What has happened to my world? It's topsy turvy and upside down, and I'm trying so hard not to be bitter. Note to self: there is still a half bag of Doritos left. Comfort food, right?

Walking has been my therapy, especially as spring comes upon us. As you can see, even my photos are sideways these days! I was walking up a hill, but still... 

I got an uplifting card from a blog/Facebook friend I've never met. I need to reciprocate because that might make me feel better. I'm not feeling very "sunshiny" these days.

This small box came, and I suspected what was in it...

It's the first of my two hand held bidets! My son-in-law (and John) think I should be able to install it myself. They don't want a strange plumber in my house, possibly infected with coronavirus. But I don't have the tools nor the expertise. It would most certainly leak! Speaking of John, he's gone into a sort of paranoid, germaphobe phase which I'm trying to comprehend. He was gently critical of my decision to have a drive through, car coffee date(each of us in our own vehicles) with my friend Becky, yet he went to Costco when he was up in Sequim visiting his mom. There were also two of her helpers, and one of her friends who came by while he was there. So, I'm a little impatient with his hypocrisy, and even wondering if this COVID 19 crisis could mean the end of our relationship. It's been good, even great at times, but I feel like we're both failing our first big couples test. He's not there for me the way I thought he might be, and although I'm far from reckless, I may be a bit too freewheeling for him. Perhaps all this social distancing and alone time has been preparing me for this. It's certainly not what I needed right now, but at least there is that half bag of Doritos. ;)

Coping with Covid

For one person, meal planning is a waste of time. But I look forward to certain treats, some of them healthy and others not so much. I'm eating lots of raw vegetables... with ranch dip. ;)  I have plenty of eggs, thus omelets and breakfast sandwiches are de rigueur.

I have apparently forgotten that eggs roll easily off the counter. They are also messy to clean up off the floor!

My eventual breakfast sandwich was decent: pepper jack cheese, eggs, and a little bit of salsa. The muffin, a sweet whole wheat one, was completely wrong though. I give it a C+.  Note to self: get bagels next time!

Today I wore my goat leggings for walking, as a reminder of our great times at the Iowa State Fair. I needed cheering up! It was just last August, yet it feels like it was 100 years ago. 

I now resemble the Monkee with the bowl cut (Mickey Dolenz?) except with gray roots. I miss my hair appointments and mani/pedis. Yes, first world problems, for sure. 

Upon receiving this, I nearly lost my mind. The VERY last person I would trust or believe about this crisis is Trump. He has downplayed it, lied about it, politicized it, and now thinks that we elderly people should give our lives to save the almighty Dow. I do like Dr. Fauci though, especially when he smirks, and puts his head in his hand, which is how most of us sane people are reacting to the dangerous propaganda misinformation from our federal government. The only people who may be able to save us are our governors! I keep thinking about how this Covid Crisis will change us, and how it will undoubtedly touch all of us in some way. Alison's college friend Peter's mother (who is probably my age or younger) is critically ill with it in Marysville. His grandfather, who lives with his parents, also caught it. John's 86 year old aunt, who lives in Missouri, went to a family gathering and now several of them are sick with very suspicious symptoms. :(

This picture reminds me of when life was relatively normal; I had such a lovely dinner at the CIA in New York with Ashley and Ryan. That was ONLY a couple weeks ago! By the way, I did get the wifi hotspot working by...turning it off, and then back on. That apparently activated the data, and now this iPad mini, loaded with family photos, is ready to go to my parents' house. I'll drop it off Friday by leaving it on their porch, then Ashley and Ryan will phone them to talk them through a FaceTime call. If we can get the old folks comfortable with it, I think they'll love being in visual contact with their children, grandchildren, and soon, their great-grandchild.  Since I'm trying to focus on the positives, it was a day brightener to chat with my friends Anne, and Diane. Tomorrow, I'm doing a Car Coffee Date (drive through, then conversations from our respective cars) with Becky, my frequent travel companion and childhood pal. Am I coping with Covid? I'm working on it, every day. Each day brings its own challenges though, and it's hard to be alone because at times, the loneliness and fear are crushing. I need someone to help me be less terrified about the future, and the cat isn't doing the best job of that.




 

 

Pandemic Photos

It's finally official: we are under a "Stay at Home" order which is like a shelter in place except that you can go to the grocery store, doctor, pharmacy, etc. I understand our governor's hesitation, due to the dilemma about the worsening economic impact versus the spread of COVID 19 (especially among those idiots who are ignoring social distancing and other reasonable requests). It probably made the decision easier for him when Boeing shut down, due to many cases in their plants, as well as a high profile fatality. So, since I'm reading too much about the pandemic, I've discovered that I'm in the anger phase of the grief process. I'm bitter about my (lack of?) baby trip to New York in May. I'm frustrated by the behavior and words of many of our "leaders." Pray the virus away, really? (Mississippi governor) Older people are glad to die to save our economy, seriously? (Texas Lt.Governor) The U.S. was not built to shut down? (the President) Could we/they PLEASE look at the facts? These ignorant cretins are a danger to all of us! :( The more I fume, the less able I am to make the best of the situation. Obviously, I'm failing at that in big and small ways. It's hard to be alone all day every day. It feels like a meaningless parade of hours, and not like my life at all. In the meantime, there are important things I do for myself each day: I get up, and get dressed. I go running. I make my bed. I bathe and put on lipstick. (yes, it helps me for some strange reason!) I take my daily walk around my neighborhood. I read, and talk to my mom or other loved ones on the phone or via text. I make small meals for myself. I cuddle with the cat. Sometimes I handle it all OK, and other times I have a crying fest. Normal for these circumstances, right?

On to the lighter news: I'll have to be desperate to drink this seltzer water, left over from Christmas. People have suggested adding vodka to it, but I hate vodka as well. :)  I wish I liked it because it's way healthier than the Cascade Ice that I love. Speaking of that, I'm running out of CI and will have to go to the store in the next couple of days. Scary!

Someone is delighted to have me home 24/7! I'm grateful for my pet, even when she drapes herself over my arm (or legs) so that I can't eat, or type on my computer. 

As long as I can continue to buy milk, I'll be drinking my delicious Monin Dark Chocolate Sauce mochas. I discovered them at a now defunct coffee shop (Bourbon Coffee in Washington Square) when Ashley lived in NYC. Amazon is the only place that stocks it, and because it's considered a food (a frivolous one) I received this shipment very quickly. I ordered the bidet quite a while before that, but don't have it yet. I guess eating is more important than...you know. ;)

My front flower bed is weeded and preened (weed inhibitor), but still relatively empty of color. It looks like my tulips will bloom fairly soon though, and these white flowers smell SO wonderful. What are they, flower experts? I was delighted to see a video of John's granddaughter taking a few steps on her own at 19 months. Every time I've seen pictures of her lately, she's been wearing shoes. Was it one of you here who suggested that she might not like the feeling of the floor on her bare feet? Because I think you were spot on! Anyway, I'm breathing a sigh of relief that she's finally toddling. What will I do with myself today? I will battle with my wifi hotspot; my son-in-law gave me his iPad mini for my parents, and created a share photo album, so that we(my sister-in-law, I and they) can add pictures of our family and activities. It will be like an electronic photo frame for them! Then my son-in-law remembered that I have an unused wifi hotspot(long story), and thought it would be an excellent idea to hook it up to the iPad mini. That way my parents can FaceTime with them, and eventually baby. That may be beyond their capabilities, but it's worth a try. Plus, it gives me a project to work on since the !@%$&#! doesn't want to work at the moment. Is frustration with a gadget more productive than intense grief over circumstances out of my control? I'll let you know after I talk with Verizon...

Covid Crying

Today has been the worst day so far of this isolation, as I've overloaded myself reading about infighting and too many issues with our pathetic federal government and their response to this emergency, as well as people in my area having to sew cloth masks for hospital workers and donate much needed Clorox wipes to our local hospital. Because there are NONE! Is society devolving? People are hoarding essential items, depriving others who need them, the stores are devoid of toilet paper, and our governor still hasn't called for a shelter in place, in spite of numerous complaints of crowds and people ignoring his "Stay Home" strictures. I can't sew, but I did have the two Clorox wipes that Ashley and Ryan insisted that I bring back from Poughkeepsie. That was only the middle of March, and life in New York was normal then, right? It feels like it was eons ago. New York is now in an enormous crisis. 

They are not much, but I hope they help those health care workers on the front lines of this pandemic. I can't even imagine. I'm trying to put things in perspective, yet I'm also bitter that I won't (probably) get to see my grandchild in May. I won't be able to travel to New York to be with my daughter when she needs me. But I was trying to be accepting of our new reality, until this.The possibility of my daughter not having even her husband there with her during labor and delivery truly does break my heart. Because of that, I'm truly struggling today, as hard as I ever have in the new age of Coronavirus. It's taking away so many of my dreams and hopes, and I'm not sure how to get them back. 

For comic relief, there is always Mari. Replace the name, and gray color with black, and you have my sweet girl. Because I am completely alone now with no one to interact with, I found myself berating her about some inappropriate behavior last night. Is talking to the cat for five minutes a sign of insanity? Did she even understand my lecture? :) I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow. That's really all I can do.

Virology

My personal "study" of this virus is that it's a sneaky, no good blankety blank (insert your favorite swear word). Today has been a mixed day, with efforts to get outside and exercise, combined with chats with both daughters(Ohio daughter is fighting with the boyfriend, again), and the death of a close family friend and neighbor. Although she had been suffering with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer for over two years, Pat's death still hits hard. She was such a lovely and kind person! Everything in my life feels off kilter: no John, no parental contact except to drop things off from 6 feet away, no hugs from anyone, a crazy cat running around the house at top speed, and a whole lot of loneliness and angst. Pity party for one!

There are flowers though...

Inspiration in sidewalk chalk: Life is sweet.

How do I continue to smile when all the news about the virus appears to be awful? Sigh.

Choosing joy can be difficult in these times. How about if I work toward acceptance and peace? Joy is too big a stretch. 

The kindness of others included an early morning drop off of romaine lettuce for my parents from a colleague and Book Club friend. Then I made a quick trip to the store to buy the folks some needed bread, and an unneeded film that I thought they might enjoy. I know I shouldn't be out in public either, and I'm mostly not. It's very hard for me to ask for help sometimes. :(

While I was gone on my walk (sunshine and blue sky!) my brother and his kids dropped off this cute little care package for me. How thoughtful!

My niece and nephew included notes to me! They are a very religious family, so the cross and god talk didn't surprise me. I don't know who "you guys" are here; is Mari included? Because she would not be on board with any kind of hand(paw?) washing. ;)

I was rather more disturbed by my 13 year old nephew's Bible quote for me. Is this how they view the virus? A sudden disaster and ruin that overtakes the wicked? (which are evidently older people and/or those with other health conditions) Like his grandparents. Like his aunt, me. I find myself puzzling more and more over how others THINK, and how they can believe what they do. So, mentally, it hasn't been the best day for me. I'll try to handle it with some ice cream, and by delving more into this absorbing mystery. But honestly, there will also be tears.