Rhetorical

A friend's loss of her husband on Wednesday after a long and agonizing illness has made me reflect about timing, and about questions that can't ever be answered, only asked rhetorically. In both our cases, our husbands were no longer the people we had known and loved; they had degenerated mentally and physically, which is unpleasant and emotional to deal with. I often ask myself: Would I rather lose my mental or physical abilities if I had the choice? I watched the strongest man I know be brought to his knees by cancer; he understood what was happening and what was being taken away from him. It was excruciating to watch. After two years with it, he no longer wanted treatment, and was ready to leave this world, in spite of his love for his family and ours for him. During this time eight years ago, we were dealing with frequent flyer trips to the hospital, some unsupportive family members, and a whole lot of stress. Is it "better" to lose a loved one suddenly or have them linger? I've experienced both; abrupt deaths are much more difficult for the ones left, while the drawn out ones are much harder on the person dying. In the latter case, we had time to say our goodbyes and share poignant last moments. But are those worth the pain that he went through? I have no answers. 

My wedding anniversary is coming up, so I ask myself: Would I have retired if he were still alive? He left me quite a bit of money which allowed me to do so. Would we have traveled? He hated to fly, but liked road trips. Would we have bought that kayak we kept talking about right before he got sick? I don't know.

He changed a lot over the years, especially when he got cancer. Yet I'm not the same person I used to be either. He was the spontaneous one, now I've become more impulsive. He was calm and logical...and I'm STILL NOT. :) But I am more measured and take many more deep breaths and pauses before responding, instead of getting emotional or flying off the proverbial handle. My mom would have called me a definite "pepper pot." Now I'm just a little bit spicy!

In more mundane news, today was gorgeous, although very cold weather for raking(ugh) and a walk. I used no filters on this iPhone 7 photo! I'm always glad to see so many families out strolling instead of only the usual dog walkers and regular walkers. I enjoy exchanging far away greetings and smiles with friendly new people! I also ordered my chandeliers; companies make it way too easy to spend a LOT of money on-line. :) Tomorrow I'll go to my pharmacy to pick up my medicine because, although the bladder infection isn't worse, it also isn't improving. However, I'm apprehensive about taking an antibiotic since I haven't done so for decades. My younger daughter was horribly allergic to Augmentin as a baby which also makes me nervous. And I don't want to have diarrhea! TMI? Finally, if any of my pictures don't show up in this post, please let me know. Typepad is having chronic issues with photos these days, which is unacceptable for a paid service. Those of you recommending that I try Word Press need to know that suddenly it's monstrously difficult or sometimes impossible for me to comment on WP blogs. I've tried a few work arounds, but it has been frustrating. Especially with the pain of a bladder infection. Wahhh!! Is that music I hear the sound of the world's smallest violin? ;)

 

Comments

[Doug M]

That's a sweet wedding photo Margaret... you looked so young! Your husband was a handsome man too. No one should have to die so young... :( Anyway, do you think it's loss that mellowed you out? Or just getting older, or both?

[Donna W]

I've never had diarrhea because of antibiotics. I think that mostly happens with babies and infants. I have had yeast infections caused by antibiotics, though. Some antibiotics seems to make my sluggish and grumpy, but that could be my imagination. I used to have chronic bladder infections, so I took antibiotics often; hated having to take them, though. I don't really like taking any prescription meds of any kind, but sometimes one has to do it. I tried to switch to Word Press a long time ago, but I didn't understand a lot of things that were different from what I'm used to and decided to stay with Blogger.

[Meg]

I hope the meds don’t give you any trouble.
Sending you warm thoughts for your days

[Bruce Taylor]

Sending you good vibes for courage in getting through your anniversary. We here are fortunate, most of the time, as we come up on our 85th and 81st birthdays in early 2021, still in our "right minds" and with relatively good health. Good luck with your health problems. This, too, shall pi---, er I mean, pass.

[Joanne Noragon]

I am with Doug, I looked long at that picture, smiling.
Best wishes, working through your medical problems. I've had several UTI's and bladder infections, what with too many medical accidents. Some infections were tougher than others, but I did get through them.

[Ed]

Watching my mom go from the most athletic person I know to dying in the space of three weeks was really tough to witness. I had two and a half years beforehand to prepare and I always thought we would spend that final time talking about the past and crying together. In the end, I think my mom was so shocked to have her physical ability robbed so quickly that she just kind of mentally shut down and didn't do a lot of talking until she lost that ability too. It is not something I would wish on anybody... and yet I do feel lucky to have known and to have hugged her more often in those last years and really concentrate on making the most of our time together. Many don't get those opportunities.

[Marie K]

The photos that haven't shown up for me are of grandbaby and I thought it was on purpose. I could see them when clicked. I love your wedding photo with that twinkle in your eye. I know this time of year is hard for you so...hugs!

[AC]

Yeah, some WP bloggers seem to be having problems lately. I used WP for awhile, and it was fine back then. I ended up switching back to Blogger because that's where most of my [few] friends were, and it seemed to make it easier.

Perhaps the best way to die [if possible] is to check out with assistance at the right time for the person and family involved. There is a period of decline for goodbyes but you spare yourself and others the worst of it.

[Zazzy]

I'm not sure that the long, drawn out death is easier on either side. On the one hand, you do have some time for closure but as you watch your loved one suffering, there was, at least for me, a desire for it to just be over. And that adds guilt to an already difficult time. But perhaps there is guilt in the sudden death, too, for not saying all the things we don't say often enough. But it seems that it would be easier on the person who died. I agree with AC that if you could choose when to let go and have those you want with you as you say goodbye, that might be the least traumatic all around. I think it's going to hurt no matter what.

[Tonya]

You're entering your difficult month, I know. Hugs to you. You absolutely MUST be able to see your grandson.

[Musings]

Oh Margaret... I'm so sorry for all you've been through. I can imagine what a heartbreak it was to lose your husband and see him suffer so much before his passing. My dear cousin has told me that he does not want to live much longer either because of the pain he is suffering with his cancer. You were such a beautiful wedding couple.

Your daughter couldn't take Augmentin too? I really don't EVER want to take that antibiotic again. That's for sure.

[Musings]

By the way, I have a Wordpress blog too, but I prefer Blogspot because that's where my cyber family is.