Stargazer

Wishing you a 2021

I'm anti-resolution and anti-Happy New Year, which makes me sound extremely grumpy and pessimistic. However, I always strive to deal with whatever comes my way with courage and the brightest spirit I can muster. No matter the year, we get joys and tragedies, most of them out of our control. The truth is that the wonderful and awful events of our lives don't respect the calendar. So, every d*mn day, I work on my attitude and acceptance. On top of my dad's terminal diagnosis, my mother is now suffering from shortness of breath, wheeziness and swollen ankles. That can't be good, right? Heart? I'm taking a whole bunch of deep breaths, and trying not to look too far ahead.

Any color along my walk is much appreciated during the winter!

Mari approves of the new carpet, although the installation has been a traumatic experience for me. The carpet guy showed up late, caused my house to smell like a distillery, banged up the skirt boards, scraped the freshly painted wall, and walked all over the hardwork with his wet waffle soled shoes. Then I remembered what my late husband (stair builder) used to say about carpet installers...and it wasn't very complimentary. They come in last to any job, and many of them aren't at all careful of other subs' work. In fact, my late husband would unleash quite a lot of interesting swear words on the subject. 

It does look pretty though, doesn't it? Tomorrow Carpet Guy is coming back; he'll be taking off doors upstairs, pulling the carpet back to put in tack strips and I will probably lose my mind. Thankfully, I texted my painter, and he'll come back to fix the damage. Then I am truly DONE with home remodel for now! Perhaps sanity should be my resolution for 2021? ;) When I look for comfort, I read quotes, and I find wisdom in these words from Neil Gaiman:

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”

 

The doldrums

It's cold, it's dark and we're living in a strange, warped time, like the Twilight Zone. Some people I respected have shown their "true colors," like the fellow teacher and gymnastics mom who whined about getting criticism for flying, eating out at restaurants, staying in hotels and traveling to many different places. Since I cancelled my holiday visit to New York, I was unsympathetic, although I did refrain from suggesting she read "Living in a Pandemic For Dummies." (if such a book exists) There are also those former colleagues (whom I thought were intelligent!) who are spreading the debunked "stolen election" and  "Release the Kraken" fairy tales. So, I've kind of gone to ground for my own sanity. Today I did get out for a Car Coffee Date.

I enjoy wearing my coffee mask through the drive thru. I've probably mentioned a hundred times how much I hate drive thrus of any kind, so wearing an appropriate mask is somewhat uplifting; the fun of chatting with friends face to face from our cars is definitely worth the inconvenience. Unfortunately, the barista had the charm of a rattlesnake, and at the end of my date, my car wouldn't start! I had left the key a couple of notches engaged which meant that the headlights had been on the whole time. My friend and I don't abandon each other in Lakewood(sketchy area); she waited while I ran to a paint store where one of the employees was sitting in his truck. Note to self: Bearded men in big trucks always often carry jumper cables!

Tomorrow there will be new carpet on these stairs, and I am SO excited. It's noisy, uncomfortable and messy to walk on this plain wood. It's also ugly as sin with both my downstairs and new upstairs hardwood.

My next very unexciting project is to get my roof sprayed for moss, a constant problem around here. The company I called is way behind on their jobs though since one of their crews got Covid19. I don't dare mention it to John or he will want to climb on my roof to treat it. I just don't think that's a smart idea for a heavyset 66 year old guy with an artificial knee. He's not scared of heights, but I AM. 

I'm celebrating a little because I don't do well with flowers inside, but this paperwhite isn't dead. Yet. 

 

 

 

 

 

Holidaze

Every year, I hear or read that today is Boxing Day, and realize that I've once again forgotten what it means. Is it even still celebrated? It sounds like the Black Friday shopping that we do (not me!) the day after Thanksgiving or gift giving to the servants/poor, which we would combine with Christmas through charitable giving. I do know that there are WAY too many holidays this time of year, with yet another big one on its way. I mostly ignored the fuss of Christmas, including the films and music. For those of you shocked that I haven't seen any of the Xmas classics, I'll admit that I find many old films overacted, and that I can't stand the Mid-Atlantic accent that's prevalent in most of that entertainment era. As for NYE, I'll celebrate it quietly, probably with John. We may play some House Party games again with the girls back East; that means an early party for us since they're three hours ahead. That's best anyway since John and I are OLD!

Ohio Daughter and boyfriend went ice skating yesterday in very chilly weather. No, thanks! This daughter likes cold and rain; she's a skier, snowboarder, hiker and rock climber which is part of the reason she'd like to eventually get back to the PacNW. She's finding it difficult to live in a flat place since most of her favorite activities involve mountains. :)

My paper white is blooming beautifully inside...

while outside on my walk it looked like this! But then later we had many hours of blue sky. There was even a crazy guy washing his car. 

I love our changeable weather. Even if it's raining, it might end up sunny a few minutes later. If we get snow, it only lasts for a day or so, just enough time to have snow "adventures" on our steep hills. Then we can return to driving like maniacs without ending up in the ditch!

My sister-in-law posted many photos of the Xmas gathering, sans Margaret. Normally, she doesn't take pictures. Hmmm. 

I wish I could have been there to be part of this photo. Sometimes I hate trying to do the right thing. It's thankless and frustrating. At least there isn't any pressure to socialize now that Xmas is over. It's sad to admit that it's a relief to have it behind me. Ahead of me is 2021 which will bring its own challenges, both known and unknown. 

”For last year’s words belong to last year’s language and next year’s words await another voice. And to make an end is to make a beginning.” – T.S. Eliot

 

 

 

Festive(?) Friday (aka Christmas Day)

Since my family has always celebrated on the Eve, Christmas Day is usually a let down for me. If my late husband had been on board(he wasn't), I would have taken down the tree and all the decorations during the evening of the 25th. Patt's mom and siblings used to do a splashy and over the top Christmas Day extravaganza, but thankfully, that era is gone. I don't miss the overabundance of gifts, the sullenness of Patt's sister's husband or the Christmas stockings packed with often mysterious objects.(another melon baller?) I'm not much of a gift giver, and don't like getting a bunch of stuff, thus Christmas Day doesn't have the best associations. This year, as befits our pandemic situation, I have few decorations or presents to put away, and the quiet in my house is sometimes deafening. My family's theme for Xmas 2020 seems to be "We did the best we could."

House Party last night had some interesting games, mixed with a few tech glitches and confusion about how the app and the games worked. Still, we had some laughs and although it wasn't even close to being together, it was better than nothing. Something I hate about Zoom and House Party is how ancient I look, and how awkward it is to be staring at my own face the whole time!

While I was "spending" the Eve with my distant daughters at my house, my brother and his family were eating Mom's delicious lasagna dinner and opening packages, just like a normal year. This photo of them gave me quite a pang since it's nearly without a doubt my dad's last Christmas. I know we're all on different pages about safety protocols, but I doubt that my Parler following and Trump loving sister-in-law has been quarantining in order to keep my parents safe. Unfortunately, some of us are doing our best, while other people's best appears to be pretty darned sh*tty. 

Today's lazy day included my Flat Cat basking in front of the fireplace. The weather has been rainy and chilly, but I still managed 12,000 steps. Unlike Mari, I take no holidays from exercise!

The same house that has a gigantic Big Foot on the front also has an Elf inflatable. It made me think of Alison who loved that film! For pure silliness, I prefer "The Santa Clause," mainly because I like Bernard the elf. "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" makes me laugh and "Home Alone" can be amusing, although sometimes mean spirited. I also enjoy some of the classics like "Charlie Brown's Christmas" and "Rudolph." (with Burl Ives) Don't judge me, but I've never seen "A Wonderful Life," "Miracle on 34nd Street," "White Christmas," "A Christmas Story" or "Holiday Inn." I love the film "Joyeux Noël" which is about the WWI Christmas Eve truce. And don't ever make me watch "The Grinch" (Jim Carrey) I dislike that film intensely. What are your go to holiday movies?  

On another note, Ashley told me last night that she doesn't care for my new kitchen light fixture because "it looks like a boob." Now that's all I can see when I look at it! :)

This Facebook message came through today from another former student, a brilliant but challenging young man who kept me on my toes as a teacher and as a person. Yet we somehow bonded, probably through our senses of humor. These kind messages lately have been a pleasant shock; since Facebook is Margaret Lite, I haven't posted about my dad's diagnosis. My former students couldn't have known the impact of their lovely words during these dark and lonely times. As Kahlil Gibran wrote: “Kindness is like snow. It beautifies everything it covers.” Because of their small gestures, I'm seeing more beauty and feeling more festive. 

 

 

 

Thoughtful on a Thursday(aka Xmas 2020)

In the midst of my cookie baking, frosting and decorating (minus my elves daughters), John wanted to stop by on his way to his mother's place. When I got to the door, he was shamefacedly holding a bag of goodies, freely admitting that he knew that we had agreed on no presents. It reminded me a bit of my first Christmas with my older daughter's then boyfriend (now husband); Ashley informed me that Ryan couldn't decide between an Alexa or an iPad mini for me...while I was seriously planning to buy him a bag of kettle corn. Hey, it was a BIG BAG. Thus, I was a little nonplussed by John's gesture when all I gave him in return was a New Year's Card and three Russian teacakes... 

Number 1: that's an awful lot of candy for one person! I will definitely need to keep running and walking. Number 2: I've never evinced an urge for a smart dimmer switch, but since John enjoys ordering around his own Alexa, he probably envisions me loving the novelty of it too. Mostly though, I think he likes the idea of another project to help me out with. It wouldn't cross his mind that his thoughtfulness would make me feel a little bit guilty and dependent. 

He also gave me this paperwhite a week ago, which has suddenly bloomed. Mari hasn't tried to eat it yet, so I can probably leave it out. This morning I had a "talk" with my mom about allowing others to help her; she hasn't been very good about that, and it will need to change. I realized then that giving and receiving are two sides of the same coin. They are each a gift to ourselves and others. Many of us are generous and open hearted givers, but we also should be gracious and appreciative recipients. 

Wearing my 30 year old Joyeux Noël sweatshirt this Christmas Eve day reminded me of the joys of Bûches de Noël and caroling in my French classes in December. It was the quickest and most rewarding 37 years of my life. I'm happy to be retired, yet I miss those times so much. My students and colleagues gave me so many gifts: laughter, tears, smiles and introspection; they made me think, helped me grow, and became my world. 

Today a former student sent me this message which couldn't have come at a better moment. Gifts don't always come wrapped up in festive paper and bows. Sometimes you can't hold them in your hands. And frequently there is no adequate way to reciprocate. All I can do is hope I can be the gift to others that they have been to me. Joyeux Noël, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all! xoxo

Woebegone Wednesday

Although I do know what the actual word means, I prefer to look at it as Woe Be Gone. As we inch closer to my solitary Christmas, it's painful to compare it to last year when my girls were both here, when my Dad was healthy and when there was no pandemic. (or we were ignorant of it anyway) I thought I spotted the light at the end of the tunnel, then the South African and U.K. mega contagious variants hit, and now I don't know what to think. Of course it will arrive here, if it hasn't already; we've already botched the regular coronavirus safety and mask protocols, so what will happen with an even more virulent strain of the virus? According to this Canadian site (thanks, AC!), my state is #49 out of 51 in current seven day average per million. Most of us here are careful, respect the logic of the rules, and sacrifice or modify some of our normal activities to stay safer. But what about those non-mask wearing and virus denying places? They are going to be decimated. I wanted to say "toast" but that seemed tactless. 

Speaking of toast, my ancient Betty Crocker cookbook has seen better days. Funny how the cookie pages are destroyed, but the meat section is pristine. You can tell what my priorities are. ;) My traditional holiday cookies are Russian teacakes and frosted sugar cookies. With sprinkles. Hello, my name is Margaret, and I'm addicted to Christmas decor!

I tried to keep my first batch of Russian teacakes safe from Mari while I was gone on my walk. 

It was a three layer day, but the sky was blue. We never complain about that in Washington, even if it's cold!

My protective effort was a fail. Luckily, she only got to two cookies. As Ashley told me, "Mari is relentless. A little aluminum foil won't hold her back!" Aren't cats supposed to be afraid of aluminum foil??

Step #2 was this attempt, although Mari can somehow get into this closet. I wasn't sure whether the chair would keep her out; for a dumb cat, she's quite clever. So, now the cookies are closed in the den. If she scratches on my newly painted door though, there will be, as my elderly parents say, "trouble in river city."

On a day when I've struggled to stay upbeat and relatively festive, this holiday photo was a bright spot. In pandemic times, one has to get crazy creative with Santa photos. My son-in-law just happens to have an outfit, my older daughter went for a Mrs. Claus look, while adorable grandson seems rather bemused. ("they look sort of like my parents, but way weirder") In other positive news, John is going to be a grandpa again! As I told him, he's apparently destined to be surrounded by females. :) His older daughter and her husband have two foster daughters whom they're trying to adopt, while his younger one has a 2 year old daughter and another girl on the way. Since I never had a son, but grew up with three brothers, I was delighted to get a grandson. Of course, I would have been equally happy with a granddaughter! Mostly, I want to be involved and hands on in my children and grandchildren's lives. Right now, that isn't looking very promising. 

Tackling my Tuesday

In spite of some sketchy weather(ice!), I started out my morning at a now typical (Covid 19) car coffee date with a former colleague who has become a friend. Oddly, we weren't close before I retired, and she's young enough to be my daughter. But something clicks with her; she's open, honest and easy to talk to. Plus, she has hilarious dating stories; I'm encouraging her to start blogging! 

This wasn't the best mocha I've had, nor was it 190 degrees as I requested. I can be somewhat critical because I make the best mocha in the area. Perhaps even the state. ;)

Yesterday afternoon it was 61 degrees. Then there was a monsoon. We get rain here, but this was a deluge like we don't normally experience. A cloudburst. A gully washer. After that storm, I was seeing snow photos on Facebook, and believing them to be a joke. As you can see by my car, Monday's weather was just as wacky as the rest of 2020 has been. I hope this isn't a precursor to future Snowpocalyses. 

Perhaps I jinxed things by putting out this holiday snow globe?

The carpenter finished my upstairs floor and I still love it, although the thresholds are lighter than the wood itself. I remember what my late husband used to tell me, "Real wood is NOT uniform. If that's what you want, get vinyl or laminate." Now all that's left is the stairway carpet! 

Anything that makes me giggle is a positive these days. Yesterday, I talked to Dad's hematologist AGAIN when he called their house. I offered to get my mom, but he preferred to discuss the latest news with me, instead of with my 88 year old mom. Little does he know that her memory is way better than mine! Apparently, a couple of mutations showed up in dad's bone marrow test, so Dr. McC. ordered another blood draw to get some DNA information. This will make treatment easier, although I'm not sure if my father is interested in any intervention. I explained all this info to my parents, and was clear that Dr. McC. wanted the blood draw to happen this morning. Somehow my mom got confused, and didn't take him to the clinic. Deep breath. Did I mention that, although she has a fabulous memory, she's not the best listener? I'm learning that next time I need to write everything down. I've also offered rides, and to let friends and family know about the diagnosis, yet have been rebuffed. It's hard to know when to step in...

Obviously, my neighbor's Santa and reindeer are also exhausted and fed up with 2020. 

Musing on a Monday

Yesterday, after recovering from the Seahawks game (watching them try to give the game away to the Washington team), and after enjoying John's delicious quiche, I was fiddling around with my phone, playing Wordscapes. It rang with an unknown number which I would normally have ignored. For some reason, I answered the call and it was my dad's hematologist/oncologist; Dr. Mc. C. proceeded to have a warm, very personal thirty minute chat with me on a Sunday afternoon. "Your parents are such wonderful and gracious people." "Here's some information that I think you should know." "This is my personal cell phone, so call me any time with questions." I was left bemused and unsure of what to encourage my dad to do. The prognosis is still grim, "It's an incurable disease for the elderly," but Dr. McC. seemed to be promoting the positive effects of a blood transfusion and the shots, which he told me are well-tolerated by most people. Of course, it's impossible for the doctor to predict how fast this disease will progress, so any "treatment" could be moot anyway. Fortunately, I'll be in on Dad's Zoom appointments since they need to be at my internet connected house, thus I can direct the conversation tactfully to those issues. As I've told people, this news wasn't unexpected, although it's very, very unwelcome. And the timing is beyond crappy. However, like birth and aging, death is inevitably a part of life, and a natural progression, especially for a 92 year old. It has stages though, and that's what makes it so difficult to deal with. With my younger brothers' deaths at 16, and nearly 25 and my husband's at 59, there was a lot of anger. It seemed unfair and preposterous to lose them; they were still young and deserved longer. With my dad, I have a sense of calm, mixed with uncertainty and pain. There is also the black humor of having bought him a 700+page book for Christmas. Hmm, that could be tricky...

Although I don't look it, I'm sleeping OK. I am always on the verge of tears though. It takes virtually nothing to set me off. 

I'm admiring the decorations in other people's houses, while suddenly wishing that I had put up a tree and brought down the girls' snow globes. It's too late to change anything, it seems like too much work for a solitary Xmas, and it wouldn't necessarily cheer me up. My Little Guy's shirt is adorable on him; he looks good in red! I find that song utterly atrocious though. I used to walk out of stores if I heard it. 

This daughter likes to sew and made some stockings, including for Ziggy the cat. I wonder if he'll get some treats. :)

My Scottish friend had this picture of the Sunday Times in a Facebook post. It seems like an article from the Onion or some other satirical site. So many news stories do these days. Sigh. 

Philosophical, but sad

I knew today would be a rough day, but not quite the extent of it. This morning my dad had his hematology appointment to discuss the results of his tests. He has acute myeloid leukemia; like me, I'm sure you don't even need to google it to realize that it's a death sentence. When I got to my parents' house, my mom was crying, and my dad was stoically eating his lunch. The hematologist was surprised that he hadn't lost any weight since most people with leukemia do. That made me smile because my dad's appetite is prolific and his sweet tooth legendary. Most people with acute myeloid leukemia last about three months; with treatment, it might be extended to a year. When I asked Dad what he wanted to do, he said firmly, "Nothing." Today I had to tell my daughters, both of them thousands of miles away, that their beloved grandfather was dying. He's been an influential figure for them with his unconditional love and support. He's been to their concerts, ballet recitals and gymnastics meets. But more importantly, he's always been there for a chat, a laugh, a sarcastic comment or a big hug. It is impossible right now to imagine our life or family without him in it. 

I understand that it'll be tempting for people to say, "You're lucky to have had him this long" or " I lost my dad/parents at X age." Although I agree that we've been fortunate, I'm not ready to deal with those words right now. As John texted simply and perfectly, "I'm sorry to hear that." No matter how old they are, we never get enough time with those we love. Never. 

At least I'm enjoying seeing my upstairs floor take shape. It's nearly finished!

My comfort animal doesn't want to leave my side(or my chair). I wonder if she senses my grief. In a distraction from the awful news, Dad, Mom and I marveled over the many adorable photos and videos of grandson: army crawling, chattering, trying to pull the cat's tail, eating some yogurt, and showing off his two teeth. I wish Dad had been able to meet Little Guy in person; thankfully, the iPad mini and WiFi hot spot have been such gifts in keeping us connected. My parents and I were also treated to a virtual choir performance of "Thy Little Ones," a tradition of my school's Holiday Concert; alums join the choir to perform the piece. In the top right corner is my lovely younger daughter, singing her heart out from Ohio. As I told her on the phone, this is going to be very hard, but we'll get through it. What other choice do we have?

 

Fractured dreams

When something breaks, you can try to fix it or glue it together, or you can throw it in the trash. I've mostly chosen the former, whether it's related to my house, my relationships or my life as a youngish widow. 

Since my late husband was a fancy stair builder, I've always dreamt of having a baluster and handrail (open) stairway installed. Then I realized that it would create a huge amount of mess and cost an exorbitant sum. So, I've decided to be content with my repose gray walls and newly painted half wall caps. They're now white! I've been sitting on that dream for 8 years, and am relieved to let go of it. 

The skirt boards are also finished and painted. They were high on my wish list, although I wanted my late husband to do them. It was a very sad moment for both of us when I realized 10 years ago that he was too sick to fulfill his promise. The carpet (Celtic mist) is ordered, and when it arrives from Georgia, it'll be done French tuck instead of water fall. I'm really picking up the construction lingo, eh?

I'm loving this manufactured hardwood, and not missing the 24 year old carpet at all!

My Scottish friend Pam sent me this photo of a relative, a well-known poet who was my grandfather's first cousin. My hair is looking quite similar and I can't find any way to style it these days. Many of us in this family have untamed hair; Chris didn't care about his crazy coiffure, but it could be pony tail time for me! 

A local friend dropped these off on my porch, which was extremely thoughtful. However, I'm going to foist them on John. :) Liquor filled chocolates were "cool" when I was a teenager, but now, yuck! Although John has been steadfast, we haven't been seeing one another very frequently because what can we do? We don't go out anywhere, the weather is too nasty for bike rides or hikes, and how much television or YouTube can we watch? Since others I know are struggling in their relationships, I feel very fortunate to still enjoy mine, although it's different than it used to be. After my husband's death I had tossed the idea of dating in the garbage, then several years into widowhood, I realized, "I'm lonely. I still feel young and want to do things and go places. It would be nice to have a partner." 

The daughter who dislikes cold and snow, doesn't ski or snowboard, and has no current winter coat lives on the east coast. This is their not-so-lovely forecast. Under better circumstances I would have been in New York for this Snowmaggedon! Would my duck boots have sufficed in 15 inches of snow? I guess I'll never know...

But someone dear to me (albeit too far away) is full of wonder at his first snow.