Eight years ago today, my husband died of cancer in our family room after two years of up and down hopes, extreme hell and many revelations. A bit like what's happening in 2020, I/we discovered things about people that we'd never suspected; there were family and friends who were there for us in big and small ways, and others who made our journey even more miserable. In 2013, I decided to make this day more about his life than his death. He would never want to be remembered for his last six months on earth which were often frightening and painful. So, today in his memory, I donated to our very needy local food bank instead of taking flowers to the cemetery. He would often mention that how we treat our loved ones when they're alive is much more important than the gestures we make once they're gone. (tell that to his idiotic older brother who cried crocodile tears at his memorial service!) He also made it clear that if I decorated his grave, it would be for myself and not for him. "I'll be dead, what will I care?" Dying people are allowed to use a lot of black humor, and he did. In early December when he went into Hospice, I dyed his morphine red and green as a festive touch. It would have made him laugh sarcastically if he had been conscious.
Although there will be no tree or snow globes, I couldn't deprive Mari of her own special Grumpy Cat decoration. To be fair though, she's not really grouchy unless someone else is in HER house, besides me. :)
In 2019, both daughters, one boyfriend and one husband were here to make cookies, play board games and make merry with the family. My sister-in-law's widowed sister and her two daughters visited from Nebraska and ended up at my parents' for Christmas Eve. My grandson was that bump in Ashley's sweater! My dad was walking well and feeling great, which has unfortunately changed. Now we're in a different world, and I'm trying to adapt to that without bitterness or anguish. Today hasn't been that day. On the positive side, the weather has been beautifully clear, so I made the most of it with a run and a long walk. I also dressed up in a ramshackle version of a hazmat suit to wrangle all that Styrofoam from the new chandeliers into garbage bags so I can transport it to a recycler. I consider Styrofoam the very ugly stepsister of glitter!
"I give you this one thought to keep.
I am with you still. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on the snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not think of me as gone.
I am with you still in each new dawn."
~ Native American Poem
