Stargazer

Adventures not of my own

John has been having many summer adventures with his visiting Texas family, and with his nearby daughter and two young granddaughters. He's been busy, I've been tied up, and the result of that is that we haven't seen each other since July 4th. Since he's more introverted, he is content to be alone whereas I get a little neurotic. It's not quite to the level of "Did he find a new girlfriend?," but is more like, "Is he happier being by himself?" And I don't think he is, but my imaginings create moods where I prepare myself for the worst, while telling myself that it'll all work out the way it's meant to. I'm either an optimistic realist or a cheerful pessimist. :)

Younger Daughter made it to Camp Muir, which sits at 10,000 feet and is the staging area for climbs. At one time, she wanted to summit Mt. Rainier (4,000 feet higher), but looking at the climbers' packs disabused her of that goal. Whew. 

She definitely got some beautiful photos! I loved looking at them--without any desire to tackle this trail. I don't do snow or ice! Strangely, the biggest threat was actually the sun. She had to have special glacier glasses, a protective shirt, and LOTS of sunblock. 

Older Daughter's small garden has produced lots of basil, some strawberries and now this zucchini. There will eventually be a bumper crop of cucumbers. I hope she's still here to enjoy them!

Because I've bent so many spoons serving up ice cream, I bought this new scoop from Amazon; now Doug and I are twins! That also guaranteed that I would find my long lost one. It was, as the saying goes, hiding in plain sight. Oops. :)

What it is

I just realized (with horror) that in about two weeks, the kids and Grandson will be leaving for New York. My heart will break into a thousand pieces when they're gone. I've adjusted to Baby's beaming smile when he sees me, and his waddling run to give me a snuggle. I'm used to him sitting close to me for stories, cuddled up and looking at me intently. I've laughed so hard at his antics and his teasing. When Naked Baby peed in the pool and was hysterical with giggles, so were the rest of us. How do I explain how hard and yet how magical this is? My exercise has suffered greatly, some of my friendships have withered, and John and I have been going our separate ways. A few relationships are permanently damaged; when I mentioned to my unvaccinated brother early on that we could try to plan an outdoor get together so they could meet Grandson, his response was, "We'll have to see." See what? Nothing has transpired since then, thus their choice and priorities are clear. As for us, our duty is to protect an unvaccinated 14 month old from those who take no precautions, refuse the vaccine, and appear to believe every bit of misinformation. (in other words, my brother and sister-in-law) 

Of course it's not realistic that my kids would live with me forever; it wouldn't be optimum for them or for me. But I got a taste of being around Little Guy every day, and having him 2,800 miles away again will be torture. When can I plan my next trip back to New York? And with virus numbers climbing again (I won't get started on that), will I be cancelling my flights like I had to in 2020? This is all a discouraging and provoking DEJA VU...

When you have a large noisy cat in your "office," things can get a little distracting. This girl is off today to do Camp Muir with a college friend; that climb required the purchase of micro spikes. I'm not a fan of any hike that requires equipment or is on snow! At least it wasn't crampons, right? She already has those. 

The Unvarnished truth

When I retired from teaching, what I looked forward to most wasn't sleeping in versus getting up at 5 a.m. It wasn't the lazy mornings and relaxed schedule. I became a morning person when my children were born and due to my teaching hours; I function well early and am unfailingly and annoyingly cheerful. I also thrive on being busy. No, what I couldn't wait for was to use the bathroom WHENEVER I wanted. I could drink as much ice water or Crystal Light as I fancied instead of severely limiting my liquid intake and probably being marginally dehydrated for 37 years. If you're wondering why I couldn't just leave my classroom to go to the restroom whenever, it's obvious you've never been a teacher with 30-40 students of varying degrees of behavior--with a bathroom quite a distance away. Anyway, the heat pump is a little like that. I can now look at the weather forecast without dread. I know I'll be able to sleep comfortably. And I won't have to spend an inordinate amount of time and energy closing and opening windows and blinds. In both cases, I now have much less to fret about!

I still can't get used to Younger Daughter being dark haired. For so many years she was very blond! I also haven't adjusted well to this newish relationship of two years, after her seven years with a guy I approved of. Letting go of the former boyfriend whom I really liked and trusted has been difficult for me. (read between the lines)

I have a new gate, thus my back yard is now completely closed off. No more neighbor dogs' "gifts" in my lawn! Next my handy man will install new trim in my downstairs bathroom. I thought I'd have to look at that mess for a long time, and am so happy that he was between big jobs. 

The temperatures are in the mid 80s but my house is cool, so being outside isn't uncomfortable, especially since I have the heat pump to come home to. :) Yesterday I attended my third memorial of the past four months. My beloved father, my much younger cousin, and a dear neighbor and friend. My mom cried at this last service because of memories of my dad, and I wept because our neighbor Pat was a huge John Denver fan like my late husband. I'm glad to tell you that I was wrong about masks; many people were wearing them, even Pat's two children. As I listened to Pat's daughter read the lyrics of "Perhaps Love," I reflected on loss, and sadness and letting go. Shouldn't handling the death of people and relationships be easier the more we age and the more loved ones we lose? It isn't. 

"Oh, love to some is like a cloud, to some as strong as steel
For some a way of living, for some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on and some say letting go
And some say love is everything and some say they don't know
Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of change
Like a fire when it's cold outside or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever and all my dreams come true, my memories of love will be of you."

The "Dull"drums

The highlight of my week was the heat pump installation, and figuring out the thermostat; I can modify it with all sorts of different colors which I find entertaining. The not-so-great part is that I'm attending another memorial today for my parents' longtime neighbor and friend. I'm 99% sure I'll be the only one there in a mask since their politics and those of their friends don't trend my way. 

After all those amazing color choices, I went with grayish so as not to conflict with my freshly touched up wall. I know...boring. (my middle name)

Even without John or my son-in-law I managed to set up the app which allows me to control the temperature remotely from my phone. Oh, the power!

It's looking like the heat pump wouldn't have been necessary, but WILL make the days (and nights upstairs) more comfortable. 

Younger Daughter was at loose ends yesterday without boyfriend or much to do, thus she took off for a hike here. Beautiful scenery but tough on even her 31 year old body. 

As I told my older daughter, I can't accurately gauge hikes for a 65 year old, especially because I haven't been running or walking lately. When it's called "difficult," that means the hike would be impossible. If it's "moderate," I might be able to do it, but it would kill me. Or I wouldn't walk for days.

Younger Daughter has this tradition from her many years as a teenage gymnast. I would rather not know any details and try not to think about how close she was to the edge. No fear. 

Do you think this is an appropriate dating profile picture for Ziggy? Description: 5 year old Maine Coon, a few pounds overweight but full of love for everyone and everything, including the hostess' furniture. ;)

Walking in Washington

I needed to get out yesterday after Kirk's memorial, which was combined with his son's high school graduation party. The family had already planned the party for that day, not dreaming that it would also turn into a wake. Ironically (and sadly), Kirk did get the trucking job with Costco, and absolutely loved it. He was 11 days away from getting benefits. And according to my cousin Mark, his death wasn't a complete surprise. After their parents died from ruptured aneurysms, those cousins were all tested (in 2011) and Kirk showed up with one that grew to the size of a jawbreaker. Mark is upset that his brother didn't do anything about the issue. Was he scared of the surgery? Was he waiting until he retired to deal with it? If only...What if...When the girls suggested a walk, I was all in for the distraction! The heat dome is a somewhat distant memory, and we're currently enjoying sun and 80 degrees-- perfect for walking. Is it so pleasant right now because I had a heat pump installed? ;) Although we Washingtonians appreciate the gorgeous weather, we worry about the lack of rain, and the wild fires that proliferate in these times of drought. 

Dune Park at Point Ruston is my go to place these days. It's not far away and has beautiful views. Grandson was unimpressed until he saw some dogs. He doesn't appreciate the scenery, but does adore dogs!

When those Facebook memes want me to choose between mountains and water, I can't decide. I love both, especially when they're combined. 

We had to take a photo with the (mini) sand worms! They should be much bigger, eh?

The boats, paddle boats, and kayaks are everywhere this time of year. I am tempted, yet I know that the water is horribly cold. I always manage to get wet...

I enjoy ordering new hand soaps, and Grandson loves playing with them. I did well this time; they all smell good to decent! Can you guess Baby's favorite? Yes, it's the one with the dog on it.

Ziggy flopped down in the middle of our Quiddler game, so we posed him with some cards. I came in last by the way. I'm not a good Quiddler. :)

Distance

I'm feeling delightfully close to my daughters, who are both living at my house at present. I'm thankful for the new heat pump, for three bathrooms and for the gift of their presence. I have trouble with distant relationships, whether it's with John or with other loved ones. It's too easy to withdraw, then to allow myself to imagine the worst, worry about what's going on, and feel hurt. There's nothing wrong with being sensitive; it also means I'm generally kind and empathetic. However, it can also create some definite neurosis on my part. 

I was reminded of the importance of buying from small companies when I received this personal note--along with two free products! Yes, I paid a lot for shipping. Do I care? No.

We could have taken the time to style our hair, but why bother? We're among friends here, right?

Ziggy keeps life entertaining or sometimes challenging. Did you know that Ziggy is a new wake word for Alexa? That wouldn't work here very well since we're often saying, "ZIGGY, stop scratching on the couch!" "ZIGGY, get down from there." " ZIGGY, please don't throw up on the carpet. Can you make it to the hardwood?"

Alison's boyfriend was here briefly last evening, then gone this morning, back to Cincinnati. Ashley made us some incredible Korean tacos. I could eat those every night, although I'm not usually a fan of Korean food. Favorite Asian cuisine: Thai by a mile!

This is as bloomed as the Stargazers will get for this year. They are merely a shadow of their former glory, but better than nothing--like pandemic life (which seems like it will stretch on to infinity, due mostly to the unvaccinated) I won't get started down that road; it just makes me even more discouraged and angry...

Several years ago I unearthed my mother-in-law's then unknown half-brother in my genealogical research; we had some excellent conversations after he recovered from the shock that his mother had had an illegitimate daughter 8 years before his birth. Talk about rattling some skeletons in the closet! I thought about visiting him in Saskatoon, but I evidently waited a bit too long. Don't you think it's odd that two of his children shared the same first names as two of my mother-in-law's? And he looked a lot like her too. The tales of families are full of secrets and weird coincidences, aren't they?

 

Truths

After much hand wringing and indecision, I contacted my cousin Helen, and she confirmed Kirk's death. It was indeed a sudden and unexpected ruptured aneurysm that killed him, like his parents before him. The family is in shock and devastated; his wife of 37 years is bereft. They're having a get together Saturday at Kirk's house; I will go, but dread it. I still have no idea what to say except how horribly sorry I am.

Perhaps those few words are really all that anyone can offer. 

My day has been busy with my house guests (Granny Nanny-ing) and the added chaos of the furnace and heat pump installation Part 1. Home improvement/repair is NOT my idea of fun. 

Tomorrow everything will be hooked up, the glass people will come to replace my window, and my contractor will meet with me to discuss the bathroom trim job I need him to do. Owning a home is certainly expensive, and often frustrating and stressful. I'm sure glad I did lots of improvements this past year because now I'm more into fixing problems, which isn't as rewarding. Plus, a heat pump isn't as attractive as new paint, chandeliers and skirt boards. :)

I was taken aback to see photos from John's recent get together; I thought it was family only, but the guests also included many of his friends. Although I AM somewhat tied up, I was a little hurt that he didn't even mention the gathering until afterward, nor did he invite me. I probably would have been able to attend. However, knowing that my emotions are raw over my cousin's death, I don't intend to mention this to him; whining on my blog will have to suffice. I don't want to overreact, which is sometimes a typical Margaret reaction. I'm better than I was, but I still have a long way to go. 

 

 

Dilemmas of varying magnitudes

Many of my friends are going "natural" which means gray; it's a relief that there are more subtle ways to do so than the traditional skunk stripe. My older daughter asked me a decade ago when I would be ready to stop dyeing my hair. And the answer is: I'm still not sure! Although I detest the process, and feel like almost 65 would be an appropriate time for the change, I also know that gray hair would age me. Even more than my neck already does. :) Perhaps the fact that NO ONE except me (and the employees) was masked in the salon should be an incentive.

However, I do like the new look. The mullet is gone! 

I love this photo of younger daughter and her boyfriend at boyfriend's brother's nuptials. She's having some issues with rosacea and has a cold sore, yet her beaming smile is so beautiful. Her boyfriend walked his brother down the aisle in a kilt, both of which circumstances were kind of strange. I don't think he's even Scottish! I shall find a tactful way to inquire...

I ordered two new woven towels from a blog friend, and am delighted with their softness and quality. However, I now feel that I might need a few more, although picking colors is tough for me! This is the problem when I decide I like something. More is better, right? My mom was gracious enough to sew a strip on these so that I could hang them from my kitchen cabinet knob. Perfect!

In the final mystery, a former student messaged me to express her condolences on the loss of this cousin (with the ponytail); she is close friends with his wife. It was shocking news since it was the first I'd heard of Kirk's death; none of my other cousins has contacted me! Did my student get her information wrong? Should I reach out to his family? If it is true, I'm devastated. Kirk is the baby of the family at 56, a truck driver who was excited to switch from his longtime job carrying liquid gases over Snoqualmie Pass to driving for Costco. We chatted for a long time at my dad's memorial service, and he was, as always, friendly and animated. This former student had heard that he died in his sleep of an aneurysm, which is the same thing that killed his parents when they were in their 60s. I am at a loss about what to do or say. Sometimes there are no easy answers. 

Taking the bad with the good

Bad news: I'm eating as though I'm still getting 15,000 steps a day. It doesn't help that my older daughter is an excellent cook. This delicious tart was a puff pastry topped with caramelized onions, roasted sweet potato and goat cheese. I ate two pieces! 

Good news: I haven't bought groceries since they've been here. Ashley has specific products and brands that she needs wants, and it's more efficient for her to go. Plus, I get more Grandson time, so it's a win-win! 

Bad news: There was some "carnage" in the downstairs bathroom this morning. Can a cat be in the doghouse? 

Good news: Ziggy is a very handsome cat, although not as cuddly as Mari (to me). And if you try to pet him while he wants to play, you'll get your hand shredded by his razor sharp claws. 

Bad news: Ziggy has also been working on the four corners of my couch with the aforementioned claws; in order to prevent further destruction, I've now covered it in aluminum foil, a sheet and a towel. He isn't happy about this situation.

Good news: I do eventually want a new couch since mine is 25 years old and very outdated. However, after all the plumbing jobs plus the heat pump this Thursday and Friday, it's definitely NOT in the budget. 

In mainly good news, Alison's boyfriend is arriving this afternoon after his original flight and two subsequent ones to Seattle were cancelled. He spent the night in the Dallas-Ft.Worth airport, as he scrambled to find a way here for his brother's wedding. He was supposed to land at 10:55 p.m. yesterday. Ironically, his luggage came on a 7 a.m. flight this morning. What a mess! I would be a basket case, but Alison says that he's in a decent mood. In miscellaneous news we have a string of pleasant 75-80 degree days in the forecast; unfortunately there is no rain coming to help with the wildfires. August has become a scary month around here. :(

Surprise Stargazer

My days have a strange rhythm to them; they remind me of when I first retired and had no routine. Now it's a full-time job keeping track of everyone else's schedules. Due to John's family obligations I haven't seen him since July 4th, which has sometimes been difficult. I'm not saying I'm neurotic, but I AM a little...imaginative? I tend to add "Thinking about you" or "I miss you" to my texts, whereas John tells me "I'm having lots of fun" and "It was a wonderful get together with my relatives."  I should be delighted that he's so happy and doesn't miss me, right? Admittedly we have a casually serious relationship that won't lead to marriage; we live in our own houses in different cities, and we generally only see each other a couple times a week anyway. But I don't feel very important in his life right now, and that's the reality--whether it's neurotic or not. John likes me, but seems perfectly fine without me. That's definitely a healthy attitude, and shows that he's much more *insert positive adjective* than I am. 

My Stargazer plant used to be huge and prolific, but has become more fragile and unimpressive over the years. So, I was delighted to find this bloom (nearly two weeks early) this morning when I took Grandson out to wave "Good Morning" to the neighbors' houses, one of his new traditions. We also watched the garbage truck pick up the cans, and the driver gave Baby a big toot on the horn and a wave. Grandson loves the Tot Lot in my development and beams any time I mention the bucket swing. He understands so much that we've had to resort to spelling out many things. I'm a terrific written speller, but struggle to understand or produce words verbally. My latest expressions are mostly versions of puzzled. :) And the farther I go in this post, the more I realize that I too am fine. Copacetic even.