Stargazer

Transitional

It's September tomorrow, but we're already slipping into fall. Gradually, I've come to appreciate and love the season; it used to herald all the stresses of school starting for the girls and me. It meant a change to cool and darker evenings, rain and some gray gloom. Some years we have spectacular weather in the autumn, as well as gorgeously colored trees. We're not known for that, however.

I'm starting to wear sweatshirts on my walks. We're expecting a blast of 80 degree days this week too, so I'll be back in tee-shirts for those. Layers are the name of the game!

Our lovely blackberries are withering on the vines and the waste of all this fruit makes me sad. I wish more people would pick these berries; they're free!

The trees are transitioning too since our low temperatures have sometimes been in the 40s. Right along with them, some of my friendships are definitely in flux. I had a coffee date yesterday and another one today, with still another one tomorrow. Without my family here, I need to find ways to socialize safely. Unfortunately, I'm back to outside or in our cars meet ups due to the stupid virus. I'm adaptable, but getting sick of being so. I hadn't seen my friend from yesterday for over a year and in that time, she's morphed into a conspiracy loving anti-vaxxer. She told me that she didn't trust the speed of the vaccines, and that if she died of Covid, it would be her time to go. "But don't you wear a seat belt? Why rush it?" I asked, half-jokingly. She shared that she had almost died in January; the doctors didn't expect her to wake up, but she did. When I tried to find out what had happened, she shut me down, "I don't want to get into that." She believes in reincarnation, so this world isn't that important to her, thus she'll take her chances with Covid. At least three times during the conversation, she said, "You'll probably think I'm crazy, but *insert wacky theories/ideas." Um..well...yeah? We met when our 35 year old daughters were in 1st grade, and have been close friends for the past 15 years or so. It's hard for me to write off such a long and meaningful relationship, yet the "season" for this friendship seems to have passed. As a contrast, my coffee date today was full of sane conversation, laughter, and lots of chatting about kids, boyfriends, books, you name it. Isn't it strange(and fascinating) how the pandemic has affected different people? It's also been discouraging though, hasn't it?

Mari seems to be fine, and enjoying my company, but how would you distinguish a depressed kitty from a "normal" well-adjusted one? Is there even such a thing as a well-adjusted cat? :)

Saudade

I learned this new word when searching for a term that meant happy/sad. It's like bittersweet with a bit of longing for/missing the past thrown in. It seems to be the new Story of my Life, living in this strange and surreal pandemic environment where, as my late father would opine succinctly, "There are so many with shit for brains."

I mentioned off-handedly to my 89 year old mother that I was sick of my towels, and before I knew it, she had bought me new ones. My master bathroom has gray walls but beige and gray tiles and counter, so it can be tricky to get a decent color. These towels are called "Gray Ridge" although they look purple. New towels make me feel pampered. Thanks, Mom!

I can't help but be frustrated and sad about so many people's attitudes these days about the pandemic, politics, you name it. As wiser heads have advised, I need to associate with those who are logical, science based and reasonable, while ignoring the rest. How do I manage that though when those Others are breaking our hospital system and trying to infect all the rest of us? And what about the unvaccinated children like my 15 month old grandson?!

This house is along one of my walking routes, and raises my blood pressure to an unhealthy degree. I'd like to ask: what about "The Prince of Peace?" and "God so loved the world..." The WORLD, not just the United States or the conservatives. But I walk on...

Part of my suburban walk is also like this which definitely brings me peace. 

I enjoy quirky mailboxes.

I'm sure this broke many rules, but it still made me smile. I also wonder about what got scratched out, being a curious sort. :)

John and I attended his older granddaughter's 3rd birthday party(just a few family members, all vaxxed) and he AND I got to hold the baby! She has amazing hair, doesn't she?

Someone shouldn't be allowed at a kid's birthday party. ;) In a bittersweet vein, although John's family isn't open and his younger daughter tends to be secretive, my longtime worries about the three year old have become (to me) extremely obvious. John seems oblivious, his daughter isn't mentioning anything, and no one else seems willing to address the issues. John posted a video from the birthday party that broke my heart on many levels. I'm not a family member, and it's not my business to interfere...but I am a teacher, a mother and a grandmother. And I'm also John's girlfriend which means I'm closer to the situation than I would like to be. 

"The famous saudade of the Portuguese is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the past or towards the future; not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness.” – A. F. G. Bell, In Portugal of 1912

 

 

Cathartic

Living in the flight path of SeaTac airport and McChord AFB, I'm very used to planes, but today I watched them go over and channeled Grandson's delight at each one and his little waving hand. Many are recognizable as Alaska Airlines flights; if all goes according to plan, I'll be taking one to New York on October 15th. The military planes are often C17s, which are enormous and gray, like whales. They fly over very low and rattle my windows. :) Speaking of whales...

My mom's neighbor's huge truck is like John's except it's black instead of white. Ironically, his name is also John. Who buys a black vehicle in a rainy state? And then keeps it pristine like this? Neighbor John is great to listen talk to, and is very gregarious and helpful--but he must love washing cars. I do not.  

Unfortunately, mom also has neighbors like this. Friendly and welcoming? Nope. 

I still receive Poochie's newspaper, and my mom very much enjoys reading it; she recognizes most of the people or at least their names. She'll know this guy since he's even familiar to me. King Coal? I love small town papers, don't you?

Today I reached out to several people, and heard back from some, including a return phone call from one friend and this lovely message from a former colleague. I'm thinking to make that my new mission: to check in with those I haven't heard from in a while, to suggest an outdoor coffee date or a walk (while the weather is still nice). As busy as I was with Margaret's Airbnb this summer and as wonderful as that was, I've felt like a lousy friend and a neglectful daughter and cat mom. I've slacked on my exercise and let up on my reading. I can do better, and I intend to. Note: Over 90,000 steps on my FitBit this week. WooHoo!!

 

 

Bored

Only boring people get bored, right? It's Friday night and it's so quiet in my house that it seems to echo. The cat has spent some time in my lap, but is now somewhere else. I don't blame her. I've watched videos of grandson over and over which makes me feel worse since I'm currently 2,800 miles away. The estate affairs that I thought were winding down added another layer when I discovered that the state will take 9-12 months to do an Estate Tax Release. Because of that I'll need to leave an official account open for what seems like forever. The CPA mentioned yet another tax return (the final one) at the beginning of 2022 which made me want to tear out my hair. I don't even know what I need to organize or keep for such a thing! Although I can dispense funds to the heirs, I can't get this monkey completely off my back in the near future, like I wanted to. I'm bored, frustrated and lonely all at the same time.

At least my Older Daughter's small garden is producing some yummy strawberries. Of course that makes me miss Grandson even more. Oh, how he loved eating them, as well as the cherry tomatoes!

However, it has been lovely to get back into my running and walking routine; I've spotted some beautiful flowers along the way. Most days this week I've earned over 12,000 steps. Now if I could quit treating myself to ice cream every night...

Fall is coming, isn't it? 

TOO many people, as well as the world itself, continue to be weird and unsettling. Which neighbor left this creepy doll out in the driveway? Perhaps an early bedtime and delving into the latest Bruno mystery would help with my ennui. 

 

Transmutation

Although many people prefer beautiful flower designs for their pedicures, I always request simple lines. I guess I'm a linear person, in ways both good and bad.

This was my first pedicure since early May. I'm not ticklish, so I find the massage part of it utterly relaxing. I needed that after the tragic news of the day, plus the constant bombardment of negativity and anger. My soul is wrung out. 

Today I had an outdoor coffee date across from our Fair where I gave this Sasquatch the Evil Eye. There used to be iconic cow heads on the side of the building; all of us in my town loved them and their history. But the Fair Board of Directors wanted a new look, including a renaming(rebranding?) of the event itself, thus now we have this ridiculous figure. Although I have free tickets to the Fair (I've never paid to get in), there's too much of it indoors, and too many crowds for me, even masked. Sigh. 

Found item #1: One lemon(?) buried under apples in my fruit basket. :)

Found Item #2: Another curly cucumber in my older daughter's small garden. All of them have been like this which is a mystery to me since I've never grown cucumbers. Why?

Found Item #3: This constantly misplaced dinosaur toy in the Tot Lot. The teenagers in my development like to move it into awkward positions, not caring that it makes the toys impossible to use. In another discovery(no photo with this), there was a small cassette from an old answering machine that I was intending to throw out. When John saw it, he asked me if he could transcribe it first to an M4A. Yesterday he finished the project, and told me that I needed to listen to it. So, I unsuspectingly did. First, there's the voice of my late husband talking to my brother about a camping trip, working on the boat and various other things. Then a friend called, and I heard my strangely young and high voice discussing phone numbers and Younger Daughter's dangerous antics on the slide. (Older Daughter claims that I sounded exactly like Dolly Parton!)After that, I had the treat of both girls briefly talking with friends, and making it clear how much they hated the phone. They both still do! It was such a trip back into the past, clearly reminding me how much EVERYTHING has changed. Even my voice. :) Not for the better or worse, but just because that's the nature of the beast that is time. 

Blurbs

My little guy looks so adorable in hats! I can't decide which one I prefer, but I do know that my heart melted at the end of our FaceTime conversation when he waved and moved very close to my daughter's phone to give me a kiss. Oh, that sweet baby!

I love this one and his beaming smile.

He finds himself quite amusing in this quirky one! :)

I had highlights in my hair, but my hairdresser combed the color through late in the process. I hope they'll come back the more I wash it. At least it's not a disaster like when I allowed her to thin my hair, but I still don't like such a dark color. It matches my eyebrows though which ARE completely natural. How can my hair be so gray yet my eyebrows still dark brown? Hmmm. The past few days have been full of boring randomness, worthy of bullets:

• When my husband died, I got rid of many thousands of dollars of tools and among those were a whole bunch of C clamps. Stair builders frequently use clamps, which I thought were junk. However, they're actually worth quite a lot of money. In looking for something else, John discovered a number of 5 gallon buckets in my shed; John wondered what was in them and when he looked...they were all FULL of C-clamps. I would give them away, but John wants to try to sell them. Oy, he and I are sometimes very different.
• We started watching "Mare of East Town" which reminds me of "Broadchurch" in many ways. The show takes place in a small town(in Pennsylvania versus England); there's a grouchy conflicted cop, everyone knows everyone else and there are numerous secrets and tragedies. We're only two episodes in; so far I'm enjoying it although it's dark and depressing. What isn't these days? 
• I predicted that the state estate taxes for my step-grandmother's holdings would be at least $400,000, but they're actually a little over $160,000. I perused the tax tables on a website and came up with a much higher number. Did the CPA make a mistake? Have I ever shared that I'm sometimes distrustful of Unexpectedly Good News? I'm trying for cautious optimism here...
• Today at Book Club, I talked about how the pandemic has made me more adaptable and helped me modify my expectations of socializing. I do miss movie theaters, restaurants, Happy Hours and getting up close and personal with people. However, I've found value in walks, bike rides, car or outdoor coffee dates, quiet times with John, and other more solitary pursuits. Some days I hate the adjustments to my lifestyle. Sadly, it's also forced me to evaluate the people I'll permit in my circle. I hate worrying about whether others are vaccinated or what shape our hospitals are in right now. (not good) I'm appalled that most of the deaths I see listed recently are among 40-60 year olds. I'm very sad and disappointed in the attitudes of some of those I used to respect or consider friends. How does one adapt to that? What do I tell myself going forward? This...
• “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” – Charles Darwin

Hidden Figures

First, my lovely cat won't leave me alone; she's always in my face, nuzzling up to me, climbing onto my laptop when it's in my lap and generally making a nuisance of herself, especially if I'm partaking of any dairy products. But I do adore her, the quirky beast! I'm (we're?) slowly settling back into a mundane routine; I even went running this morning. Or was it shuffling? :)

If she can't be next to me or on my body somewhere, she'll be behind me on the afghan. Secondly, I'm pondering the idea of openness versus secrecy. Most of you probably know where I stand on that already. I do have one secretive daughter who tends to blindside me at times, in spite of my entreaties to PLEASE, JUST BE HONEST. Now I'm also dealing with John, whose younger daughter (an easy-going cheerful young mother) seems to keep a lot of stuff from him. While I was helping her move, she shared a few tidbits about her older daughter being in speech and physical therapy and that they might have to relocate if her husband stays in the Army. I mentioned the latter to John, but did NOT feel comfortable telling him about the former. Since then he's expressed worry several times about how little and how that granddaughter talks, as well as about her nonsense conversations with herself. He's understandably concerned, and I'm dumbfounded that his daughter hasn't told him what's going on. It's not my place to do so...is it? Then today he posted a picture of his younger granddaughter with the caption "Rainbow Baby." I texted him that I hadn't realized that his daughter had lost a baby before this recent one, and he had no clue. He was shocked. He didn't know what a rainbow baby was nor had his daughter told him about the loss. Yet she put it on a photo that he would see? Not my style at all, folks. Lastly, a close friend who was recently widowed thinks he's in a long distance relationship with a woman who seems to be catfishing him; he thinks she's in the hospital (he doesn't know why) but may fly to Boston to take care of her/help her out. Do I antagonize him by asking him whether they've seen each other via FaceTime or whether he's given her any money? Is she real or is she actually a 40 year old dude? I can be a tactful person and always try to be kind and accepting, yet these two situations are straining my capabilities. Not being secretive myself, I distrust the motives of those who are. Unfair? Perhaps. 

This afternoon I again wished that Grandson were still here; he would have loved seeing these suburban deer on the way back from his great-grandmother (Gigi's) house. Unfortunately, they live in a patch of woods bisected by a very busy road. :( Speaking of the Little Guy, he went to a pediatric cardiologist today and got a clean bill of health. He has an infinitesimal heart murmur that the specialist wouldn't have even noted. Grandson didn't enjoy the echocardiogram at all, and his mother had to sing to him through much of it. In the doctor's words: "Thank god you can hold a tune! Some moms who come in here aren’t so lucky…” It's more like the doctor who isn't so lucky, eh? ;)

 

Just Saying

Today has been a little better emotionally due to a strenuous walk(need to add the running back in), a hair appointment, a pick up of some groceries, and lots of lap time with Mari. It took her a while, but she's warmed back up. Is it that her memory is very short...or is her brain extremely small? Shhh, don't tell her. ;)

I wore my new leggings for the first time; they are super comfortable and I love the pattern. A decade ago I wondered if I was too old to wear this sort of outfit, but now I don't care at all what others think of my clothing choices. My kids still make fun of photos of me from the '80s: dresses with huge shoulder pads, enormous glasses, pleated pants, and some very wild blouses. Leggings are no worse, right?

It's lucky that Mari was cuddly this morning because I was in a funk, after seeing some magnets little guy had transported to various metal appliances. I miss him so much! I was also fuming about my step-grandma's financial advisor who made it seem like my fault that they still haven't changed the account address to mine. I e-mailed twice (she didn't respond), then on this third time, she called me because "you have to do this over the phone, not e-mail." Seven months later and they don't realize that sending paperwork to a deceased person's former apartment is a dumb idea? They don't automatically change the address to that of the personal representative? And they can't respond to the prior two e-mails to let me know of this ludicrous situation? I used to be a people person...not so much these days.

I tried for this photo of my new "do" (too dark at the moment), then a sudden breeze came up to ruffle it. Expect the unexpected? It looks better than this in real life! John and I missed our three year anniversary on the 19th, so in a very unromantic way I invited him over for dinner tomorrow. "I have a ton of extra food around here--want to help out with that?" I also booked flights to New York in October for a couple of weeks, Delta permitting. Sigh. It feels like we're back to Square One, doesn't it? I used to think that rational, logical, fact and science based discussions could help, but now I'm more like the bee...

 

 

 

Saying Goodbye

Yesterday I had to say goodbye to my darling grandson, whose face lights up at the sight of me, who runs into my arms for snuggles and gives me kisses, who teases me by pretending he's putting a non-existent something in his mouth, who sparkles and twinkles with humor and sweetness. In the nearly three months I've been with him, he's learned and grown so much; his language and abilities have skyrocketed. While he(and his parents) were staying with me, we established small but very special routines: a trip down to the mailbox and holding the junk mail letters on the way back were highlights for him. He loved going to the bucket swing in the Tot Lot, and got excited when we turned the stroller down the road to it. :) Collecting blackberries along the side of the road then eating them entranced him. He has become such a delightful person that I didn't want to ever let go of him the last few days we were together. I kissed his cheeks too many times to count, read him stories over and over, and tried to memorize everything about him. Well, perhaps not the smell of his dirty diapers? Yesterday, after waving and kissing me goodbye at the airport, he took off for the East Coast where they face(d) Tropical Storm Henri, a scary drive from Newark in the deluge, and upon their arrival in Poughkeepsie: a dead car, a coffee maker with mildew and an apartment full of stuff to unload. The only one happy is Ziggy who has his familiar windows to sit in and is back on New York time. He never really adjusted to the West Coast and constantly got my son-in-law up at 4 a.m. for breakfast and "playing." 

Grandson adores planes, so we took him to eat outside at Tacoma Narrows airport (Hub Restaurant in Gig Harbor) where he waved furiously at every take off and landing. I wish I could find a way to post live photos so you could truly see the joy on his face. 

As I told my weepy daughter the night before they left, we were so fortunate to spend this much in the same household. Many people never get the opportunity or don't have the relationship to make it work. We got along extremely well and made so many unforgettable memories. We did nothing splashy except be together. It was such a pleasure to share their lives, and to have visits from Ryan's mom AND Younger Daughter, who finally got to meet her nephew. Of course I'm bereft that it's over, but what a gift.  

There is someone with a sense of humor at The Hub restaurant. Some days, especially if I read the news or the comment sections of articles, I completely lose mine. :(

Yesterday afternoon my kitchen table without Grandson's baby chair hanging from it made me gulp back tears. I miss him a lot, or as the French say, "Il me manque beaucoup." He is lacking to me. 

Today is five months since my dad died; it's still painful for me to believe that he's actually gone. Ashley will be making sachets out of his shirts; for some reason, I completely lose my composure every time I see them, especially these blue ones. He looked so good in blue, which I always told him. The middle one was my favorite of all his shirts. Is it weird that even looking at this photo makes my throat very tight? 

I was relieved to see that Grandson did some sleeping in flight, both for himself and his parents. I wish we could go back and relive those months under the same roof. There is really nothing "good" about most goodbyes; I much prefer the French "Au Revoir." 

 

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

If you're not familiar with my post title, it has to do with the theory that all of us are six degrees of social separation from each other. Or fewer. In this case, let's change out Kevin Bacon for Covid, shall we? My mother called me today and my anti-vax/anti-mask/conspiracy loving brother texted a bit later to let me know that he has Covid. He got the shot Monday, mandated by his employer, but too late. Although I'm not surprised one bit, I'm appalled and concerned because he frequently visits my 89 year old mother. He had dinner with her Monday. We hosted my mom for a meal last night. We've had our vaccinations, but my mom's was quite a while ago. Now we'll see how this works. I suspect this interconnected infection chain will happen more and more due to Delta, combined with people's pandemic fatigue AND the ignorance and lunacy of a large swath of our population. Mostly I'm frustrated and anxious about the possible consequences for my beautiful unvaccinated grandson. 

In the past two months, I've seen my county's Covid numbers jump from 60 in 14 days to 480. I don't even want to know what percentage increase that is. I've heard local doctors and hospitals implore people to get vaccinated and wear masks, as their beds fill up with unvaccinated patients, and as they cancel elective surgeries (again). I've read stories of catastrophic conditions in other states and tragic articles about families decimated by the virus, due partly to their own poor decisions. I've seen posts on Facebook touting medical freedom and excoriating our governor for requiring vaccinations for teachers and medical personnel. I. AM. SO. ANGRY. Now all that's left for us to do is wait and see. I'm not at my best under these circumstances. In a further Younger Daughter update (Chicago sunset above), she's intending to drive home in early November which isn't the best timing weather-wise. Unfortunately, I was also hoping to visit New York for a few weeks around then, Covid permitting. She'll be bringing Carol, the cat that dislikes me--and not Steve, the friendly guy. Mari isn't going to enjoy that, but I'm beyond caring at this point. Deep breaths. I will get through this, right? Lately, it feels like life has been one step forward, then several gigantic steps backward. Off a cliff.