Stargazer

Days of Wine and Roses

"The days of wine and roses laugh and run away like a child at play
Through the meadow land toward a closing door
A door marked "nevermore" that wasn't there before

The lonely night discloses just a passing breeze filled with memories
Of the golden smile that introduced me to
The days of wine and roses and you."

I don't like wine and roses aren't my favorite flower, but for some reason this song title popped into my head. Then I needed to look up the lyrics which seemed to fit my mood. NYE always reminds me of those I've lost and sends me down a sometimes emotional path. 42 years ago I met my late husband at a NYE party at my then best friend's house. He was wearing a toga and had a very attractive smile. Now these people, who were so important in my life, are both gone, Colleen for nearly 15 years and Patt for 9. There have been so many changes to our friend/family group: estrangements, deaths, and growing apart. Although that is the natural cycle of things, I've been reflecting a lot on the past while I've been semi-trapped inside by frigid weather and snow. P.S. This freakishly cold weather can go away ANY TIME.

My entertainment has devolved into watching Mari attack her catnip toy. 

Her bedraggled and torn apart Seahawks toy seems to represent the team lately. :(

It's lovely to have a lap warmer since my heat pump is still struggling and my gas fireplace is dead. My plans for tonight are to NOT wear my snow pants for a change. Perhaps I'll graduate to leggings? ;) John hasn't heard yet about his Covid test, but he wouldn't come down anyway. His older daughter and family have his Subaru, thus he's stuck driving the Great White Whale/Moby Dick (Ford 350 pick up). It's 4 wheel drive but with no weight in the back and the completely wrong tires, it's terrible in the snow! John is now calling it The Great White Toboggan. A couple friends are planning to visit for some games, probably Chicken Foot dominoes or cards. It will be low key, just like my expectations for the New Year. 2022...or is it 2020 too. Sigh. 

Let There Be Light

My late father used to say this every time he walked into a dim room before flipping on the switch. He was such an excellent father and wonderful friend that the world seems like a darker place without him in it. However, there were light moments today...

The snow is still here, but so is the mountain, lit up from the side.

Although the temperatures are below freezing (teens at night!), the blue sky was cheery. Unfortunately, there may be clouds and more SNOW coming in tonight. My poor heat pump is waving the white flag of surrender. :( Waiting for equipment! Auxiliary power on! Activating furnace! 

Grandson is in Northern California in the Redwoods; the first thing out of his mouth when he got out of the car was, "BIG." He's also saying "tree" a lot, which spending so much time in Washington must have prepared him for. ;) It was strange to see photos of them walking around in the forest with no snow on the ground. Sigh. 

When it's so cold, the snowflakes are an amazing miracle of design and beauty.

It's crooked but I'm not sure how to fix it. The sentiments fit me perfectly. At her appointment this afternoon, Mom's cardiologist clarified that her symptoms are extremely typical of her Afib combined with a worn out pacemaker. Her lungs are clear and her heart sounds good, but her pulse is TOO low. At her pacemaker appointment in November they had explained that the device would have to drop below a certain number before Medicare would replace it, due in part to the $60,000 price tag. So...Mom just has to suffer shortness of breath and lack of energy until our medical system deigns her worthy of relief. &#%!@?! Younger Daughter's boyfriend's father has multiple myeloma, not great news at all. And John has been experiencing a few health issues and had a PCR Covid test today. I think I'll wish people a New Year without mentioning the happy. We'll need to work on that part ourselves! 

Over it

A White Christmas? How lovely...except that it's a lot of snow in our ill-prepared area; now it's bitterly cold, thus the snow/ice is sticking around for the WHOLE WEEK. Wahhh! I enjoy snow for a day or two but then I'm ready for normality. That means: not planning out every inch of every drive I take, not putting on three layers of clothes to slide down to the mailbox and not dealing with the complications of hills, my mom's appointments and getting groceries. Plus, I'm driving my mom's unfamiliar Elantra with front wheel drive and regular tires instead of my AWD Subaru with winter tires and auto socks. The kids took my rig to Northern California; it is a boss in this weather, so I'm glad they have it. But I miss you, Subie!

Yes, it's pretty on the trees.

The evergreens are beautiful although dangerously heavily loaded with snow.

Before they left, Little Guy got geared up to go outside. He's a New York baby, so it's not his first snow. Nor his last.

Even Santa has had enough.

I'm appreciating the beauty when I can.

Mari loves having just me around and was giving me lots of kitty kisses in this picture. Although I miss the New Yorkers and the 19 month old, she is delighted to have me to herself again. The kids are 9 hours away with son-in-law's family, staying in an Airbnb with an extremely odiferous dead rat in the wall and a non-working coffee machine. :( Younger Daughter is back to work and not communicating much which always puts me on edge. Mom is suffering from congestive heart failure and marginal kidney function, among other issues. Besides that everything is peachy. ;) Yesterday I had to go into the store to buy stamps for my New Year cards (and Older Daughter's holiday ones) and being me, I felt compelled to explain why I was getting five books of stamps. You know, I said to the cashier, every year I write my NY cards and send wishes for a better year and success and happiness for everyone, and lately every year has been a cluster. I'm not too sure what to hope for these days. The guy behind me in line was laughing and commiserating. The fact is that 2022 will be more of the same. Dates and years are artificial constructs, so if I make any goal for the NY it will be to simply keep on keeping on. 

 

Merry-ish

2020 was a lonely and isolated Christmas which was the best I could do with daughters thousands of miles away, in the midst of Covid Craziness. John and I played House Party games on-line with them in New York and Cincinnati and I enjoyed what I could. I didn't put up a tree for just myself which some people found outrageous. Oh, well. Traditions change, don't they? It's normal and natural. Yet the adjustments have been never ending and frankly, just TOO hard at times. My dad was terminally ill last December, and this year he isn't with us. I was reminded of that when I had so many Russian tea cakes left; he loved them and would sneak a bunch...with a twinkle in his eye. My mom is struggling, so we hosted here on the Eve instead of feasting on her delicious lasagna and then heading down to the basement to open gifts. This year Older Daughter put on a wonderful spread, my mom loved getting out and seeing everyone, and besides a veritable mountain of dishes, it wasn't TOO stressful. Because John's ex-wife seems to be in total control of when his daughters spend the holidays with her and likes to flex her power (long and ugly story), John ended up alone on Xmas Eve. Happily it didn't work out that way since I invited him to share our dinner; he appeared to have a great time. Grandson likes him a lot... and so do I! 

First comes the cookie baking though. As a new tradition, we added gingerbread men to our repertoire, then discovered that none of us is a huge fan of them. :) However, they do look cute! 

After my younger "Elf" arrived, we could frost and decorate our beloved sugar cookies with a new and very small helper. Although he adored the sprinkles, he didn't like the cookies themselves and preferred the gingerbread. Sadly for him, he just got little tastes which he didn't appreciate. "More, more!"

The more colored sugar the better, right?

The works of art of a 19 month old are precious. 

I insisted on a photo with my daughters. It was delightful to be together in 2021. 

And having my mom with us was even more meaningful in spite of her increasing health issues. It's sad to see the diminishing of such a vibrant person. 

Today I threw on a KN95 to take my mom up to my brother's for lunch. I love my brother, but they are very religious and Trumpers with a capital T. These days it's difficult to be around them due to politics and the pandemic. Thankfully, it was a pleasant and very small get together which was perfect for my mood. I'm sure my daughters miss my late husband a lot this time of year. He LOVED the holidays, especially Christmas and got everyone (except sometimes me) excited about them. I'm certainly not as joyful although I've found the magic solution of tailoring my celebrations to what is important to me, and to h*ll with societal expectations. What makes the list: Christmas music, cookie baking, a few decorations and time with my family. What didn't cut it (and never did): Over decorating and excessive gift giving, particularly among adults. We decided amongst ourselves that we would only buy for Grandson, and most of those presents were books. It took a load of stress off all of us. 

I thought that John and I had made the same commitment to NO GIFTS, but he has a hard time with that. Although I had nothing for him, no sane person turns down Beechers Flagship cheese, and Lindor truffles. I gently explained to him that the only present I want these days is presence. The 2021 holidays have been perfect for that, and I'm truly grateful. 

 

 

 

Happy Negative Xmas!

Now Daughter #2 and her boyfriend have tested negative...for the moment anyway. Thus, we eagerly move ahead into Xmas albeit with some ever-present reservations and quandaries. Younger Daughter's new guy is unvaccinated, although the whole rest of his family is. They (and we!) would like her to convince Boyfriend to get the shots but that's not her style. 

Obviously, she and I don't share a love for camping, especially in the snow. They had a great time in Leavenworth but even she (my outdoorsy daughter) admitted that it was COLD. 

I don't know yet what to think of this relationship or him, so I keep my opinions to myself. I've said as much "truth" as I'm comfortable with and now bite my tongue and watch my words. Mostly. 

Our own holiday weather forecast? Oy vey. Or, holy sh*t. Or literally, WHAT WILL I WEAR?

Très chic, non?

Older Daughter has made a couple crocheted animals for her twin niece and nephew. She is SO crafty. (I am not)

One parent's favorite animal is the owl and the other's is the panda. Aren't they adorable?

This is my goal for the holiday season. I've been seeing so much darkness everywhere lately but have been fighting to hang on to the light. And I'm trying to be patient which isn't part of my nature. If I don't get back here until after Xmas, my best to all and my thanks for being the most wonderful, caring and supportive friends that I could have ever hoped for when I began blogging eighteen years ago. I appreciate each and every one of you and your lovely comments. xoxo
 

 

Feeling Negative

If you read my prior post, you know what that means, although I'm sure you can figure it out anyway. Older Daughter and I were nervous to open up our email results, and very relieved to see NEGATIVE for both. It won't be the only Covid Test I'll take the way things are going; right now it feels doubtful that a future test won't say POSITIVE...in spite of my three shots and natural caution. Maintaining a “normal” routine and even a limited social life can lead to danger under the circumstances; Covid has ramped up my anxiety and self-doubt on top of that. Am I doing the right things? Will I have regrets later about what I've done (not done?) or given up? How do I find that tricky (impossible?) balance between safety and acceptable risk? I will probably never truly know. 

John is visiting his mother since she won't be at his place for Christmas. He'll have a house full with his older daughter, her husband and their two foster daughters. Like me, he had a quiet holiday in 2020 with no get togethers, but this year is taking a few more chances, although only with his equally vaccinated children and their families. 

I've wasted no time buying a new expensive gas insert to replace my dead one, even though John thought I should just get my 25 year version fixed. I like him very much, but he's kind of cheap. This Canadian product has many state of the art features, including a remote. Considering the weather in Manitoba, I'm assuming that they produce reliable gas fireplaces. :) When it’s installed in late January, I'm hoping that I'll be able to figure it out without needing to read the instruction manual, watch YouTube videos or cry/swear.  Wish me luck!

Still Life

We're standing still and not going anywhere for the moment, asking ourselves the question: Colds or Covid? Not too long after writing my last post, Older Daughter and I decided to get a PCR test. (results in 2-3 days) The timing of these "colds" is suspicious since the kids traveled on the 11th, using a variety of public transportation. On the other hand, Grandson does go to daycare and is consistently bringing home viruses. Older Daughter is 100% sure we have Omicron, whereas Son-in-Law is more 50-50. I'm about 80% sure, mainly because I rarely get colds and had a couple of sneezing fits that are very unusual for me. Our symptoms are so mild that they barely qualify for a cold, which Omicron apparently mimics to perfection. If it is Covid, it's totally disheartening since we're all triple vaxxed, fanatical mask wearers (KN95s) and have done everything we could to avoid this scenario. Have I mentioned how heartily tired we are of this stupid virus? 

Here is my very own Still Life; instead of fruit/veggies, I have my straws for my car coffee date (Sbux no longer has them for hot drinks), my KN95, and my pepper spray for my trip out to Younger Daughter's neighborhood. Her little apartment is adorable and homey, but the area is surrounded by a homeless camp and LOTS of garbage and dog crap. I've never felt threatened or even seen anyone sketchy, so I don't know why I even carry the Mace. I'm probably less safe walking around in my own town. (because...guns)

Younger Daughter's cat Carol enjoys playing with her feather toy and was delighted to see me!

I sure hope my mom doesn't get this on top of her other health issues. I picked her up for a salmon dinner here last night; although she couldn't wait to get out of her house for a while, and loved the hugs from Baby, she seems so fragile these days. I would have taken her dinner, but she insisted, no matter the risk. She's lonely and bored, plus she adores and misses her family. 

Ironic, no? Just test frequently, they say. Use the rapid antigen ones before getting together, they advise. I went to two stores and saw the same empty shelves at both. Not so easy. I have to agree with Older Daughter's opinion: "I'm so tired of this sh*t!"
 

 

    

In health and in sickness

We are all sick with what appears to be an unwelcome yet "normal" rhinovirus; it came from Grandson who had a runny nose and lots of sneezes. That traveled to his mother, then to me and finally to his father. Because of the d*mned Omicron variant, we figured that one of the travelers should take a Covid test (I have two rapid antigen ones) Son-in-Law volunteered and he's negative. I'm not sure whether to trust it 100% but we have no other symptoms, so we're going with that. I'm sick to death of viruses, and variants! Although I refuse to be terrified or cower in my house, I'm also hesitant to expose myself to others or them to me, especially with the Little Guy here. And my sympathy reserves for the anti-vaxxers/deniers who get seriously ill or even die are on empty, to be brutally honest.

For only the second time in my 65 year old PacNW life, I visited Zoo Lights which was spectacular, although the weather was cold and a bit rainy. Grandson seemed to love the decorations and I was happy we went. But then we returned home, and my fireplace was still broken, like so many things around here. :( It would have been wonderful to thaw out in front of a roaring fake gas fire! 

No one cared about the Seahawk tree except me.

We all liked this spectacular one; how long did it take for how many people to put so many lights everywhere? 

There was this beautiful depiction of Mount Rainier with the Narrows Bridge in the background. I would have taken many more photos but each time I wanted to, I had to take off my gloves and figure out how to juggle them, my purse and my phone. It was exhausting.

Baby stayed warm in his cozy mittens that his mother knitted for him; his first initial is on them which has to remain mysterious. ;) Older Daughter is gifted at knitting and crocheting, unlike her mother. 

In spite of the darkness, I wanted this quirky butterfly shot!

John came over for dinner last night (Korean tacos-delicious!) and volunteered to take some family pictures. I wasn't in any of the photos because I was feeling underdressed. Covid isolation has made me very lazy about dressing up. Doesn't Little Guy look grown up in his precious sweater? 

Today we took a short trip down to our local fair to see the dinosaurs at Jurassic Quest. They move! I would have sworn that Grandson would be too young to enjoy it, but he was interested and animated. He especially liked the slide in the play area and the lights that illuminated the dinosaurs. :)

He was pointing at everything much of the time with his mouth in an O. He is SO personable, says his proud Mémé. 

By the way, this event was indoors...with proof of vaccination and masks required. And incidentally, wearing a mask with a cold isn't the most pleasant experience. 

No trip to the Fair is complete without buying some Fisher scones. They bring back fond memories, although they are going way too heavy on the jam and too light on the butter these days. Perhaps I should make my own?

Older Daughter found a Blender Cookbook that goes with my 37 year old Osterizer. We had a much needed howl over some of the recipes. In spite of my Granny Nannying while the kids work, I'm still trying to be there for my mother, who is lacking medication, not hearing back from her medical clinic or doctor and is extremely short of breath and discouraged. I'm checking in on Younger Daughter's cat in a sketchy area of Tacoma (with my pepper spray) while she's camping in 20 degree weather in Leavenworth. I'm wrapping my mind around bad news about a former colleague and friend who just got a terrible cancer diagnosis. He may survive but the details are horrific and I'm sick at heart. Sometimes it's all just too much, isn't it? 







 

Tuesday tidbits

In a huge relief to both Mom and me, she finally has a Medicare supplement; it required a fight on the insurance agent's side, approximately 100 phone calls and emails on our end and a whole lot of stress. The brutal truth is that insurers don't want an 89 year old diabetic with a pacemaker. Even in Open Enrollment, most states require underwriting which my mother would not pass. Thankfully, we live in Washington State where there is guaranteed issue. (the other GI states are Oregon, California, Missouri and a couple others that were unnamed) That means that the insurance company can't turn her down for a supplement change during open enrollment --whew! If you live in one of those many other places, tough luck if you have any pre-existing conditions.😳 Unfortunately, mom is still trying to get medication for the Nebulizer that the clinic nurse gave her; it appears to help with her shortness of breath, but no one answers or returns her phone calls. We don't even know what the medicine is, just that we need MORE. On the plus side, Mom's doctor finally sent the referral to her cardiologist(after at least three phone calls) so she could make an appointment about her too low pulse, wheeziness and shortness of breath. As many people have said, old age isn't for sissies. 

It's kind of crazy around here with Grandson, two remote workers, and a frazzled and sometimes overwhelmed Mémé. Mari has discovered peace and safety in the laundry basket. Is there room for me?

When Older Daughter came back from the store with a zillion groceries, we unloaded a variety of types of apples, including Red Delicious. I was appalled because no Washingtonian would lower himself/herself to eat those. However, they weren't actually for consuming; she wanted to make a pomander with cloves and cinnamon. It smells great, very Christmasy. Thankfully, she had also bought Honey Crisps for herself, and Cosmics for me. What a good daughter! :)

In a break from our Christmas Eve at my parents' home and lasagna dinner, we'll be having Mom up here where the house may be torn apart, but it's decorated at least! On the menu: Wild sockeye salmon, chicken, scalloped potatoes, green beans and salad. For dessert: Our usual frosted sugar cookies and possibly a French silk pie. It'll be so different anyway without Dad, so we might as well start some new traditions. It's been a very hard year and who knows what 2022 will bring? I'm preparing myself for challenges both known and unknown.

A quickie

I think I'm being tested, and I'm not sure I'm living up to the challenge. My mom's shortness of breath has gotten worse and she's not capable of doing very much. It's frightening, sad and so unlike her. Thankfully, I live two minutes away and can help out as much as possible, but it's still difficult and painful to deal with, especially with guests and my house torn apart. Then today, in the midst of cold weather, my 25 year old gas fireplace decided to give up the ghost. Great timing, eh? NOT. Naturally, the furnace company is installing new ones no earlier than the end of January. :( There are times that I definitely want to walk away from home ownership! I'm holding on to as much holiday spirit as I can...with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I won't even bring up Younger Daughter and her woes...

Although he hates to go to bed, which is frustrating and exhausting, Little Guy is so precious.