Stargazer

Adaptation

How many times have I told myself NOT to count on things, people or events and yet I DO, every time? After congratulating myself on the tile progress in my master bathroom, today Dave informed me that he was five tiles short. Who knows when the addition box will come in? I allowed myself to believe that that floor would be finished this week. Ha effing Ha. In another huge blow to my optimism, I'd been feeling moderately confident that Younger Daughter was on the right track...which has also come to a screeching halt. Remember when I mentioned my nervous gut at the lack of communication? Unfortunately, my mother's intuition is usually spot on. Sigh.

Amongst those disappointments, I've found solace in this sun loving kitty, as well as...

 this cherubic sweetheart who loves to "style" his hair with his morning smoothie. :)

And beautiful tulips abound on my daily walk, opening to the sunshine as we all must learn to do, even when we're feeling gray and cloudy. 

 

 

A Day of (Mostly) Progress

In a tale of the mundane, I had a 20-year-old dilapidated rug in my tiny laundry room; the backing was disintegrating, so it desperately needed replacing. And although I had qualms about the color and style of this one, I'm delighted with how it looks in there! Is it weird to be ridiculously excited about a new rug? 

I was also delighted to see some tulips opening up. Color in the flowerbed is very cheerful.

My master bathroom (finally) has a partial floor. Choosing the tile was a dilemma, but I love the way it looks so far. I'm hoping the grout I picked isn't too light...

The muted calmness of the tile pattern goes well with my granite and backsplash which are much busier. And I'll be thrilled to eventually get my toilet and bathtub back! Simple things can feel so important.

This is John's world right now. Due to the heat without A/C, the blowing dust and general discomfort of Big Bend, he's on the move: first a visit to Terlingua Ghost Town and Cemetery and now off to either Carlsbad or Guadalupe National Park. (where it will be cooler, he hopes) In typical John fashion, his last sentence was, "But I'm still having a great time!" We are definitely very different in personality. I have my positive qualities but sitting around in a small, hot camper with dust in my eyes would try my patience and good humor to the utmost. 

I find this kind of scenery interesting but don't have a burning desire to visit. I guess I'm a PacNW girl at heart. :) Where is the color? Where are the trees? As for Younger Daughter, I'm trying not to fret too much or bug her incessantly about how she's doing. I've heard from her sparingly which I've realized is probably a normal level of communication between a 32-year-old (working full time) and her mother. But I don't have to like it. 

 

 

The Day of Little

This hasn't been my favorite type of day since it's included little progress on my house, little exercise (lots of waiting and sitting) and little communication. I got up promptly at 6:30 to shower and organize the smallest of details like pulling my car out of the garage in case the repair carpenter (Dave) wanted the paint and pulling the clothes and toiletries I needed out of my master bathroom/closet. Finally, fortified with my mocha, I was ready for Dave and his crew to arrive. At 7:50 the construction office emailed me that he would be there later than the scheduled 8, actually between 10 and 11. Although it's NO big deal, I was annoyed at the delay. Mari, however, was delighted to have more lap time! 

Dave was alone without any sheetrock guys, so I still have my open concept kitchen ceiling. 

Unfortunately, the pounding upstairs dislodged a painting and all sorts of stuff that's now on my floor and counters. :(

Whatever this pink sealant (?) is, it smells REALLY bad. 

Although John has no cell signal at Big Bend National Park, he managed to find a little internet somewhere to call me on a Google number (don't ask me how, he's the computer savvy one), and then texted me this photo of a roadrunner who was visiting him. I inquired whether the bird said "meep meep" or if there were any sign of Wile E. Coyote! No and no.

Mari and I are both troubled: her by the racket from Dave, and me from the lack of texts from Younger Daughter. (NEVER a good sign) To pass the time, I watched "CODA" on my iPhone which is my only access to Apple TV. I was disappointed by the film; it seemed predictable, reminiscent of "Mr. Holland's Opus" and not as well-acted as I expected. I much preferred "The Sound of Metal" in spite of its different deaf storyline. My Little Guy is repeating everything these days. "Night, night sweet baby love," he said back to his mother last night. What a joy he is! Eventually, he won't live 2,800 miles away. 

 

The Day of No

Although I was (mostly) psychologically prepared for the restoration company to start putting my kitchen ceiling back on, nothing was actually started today, just planning out the schedule for the next two weeks of h*ll. There were no materials yet and no workers except the carpenter, Dave. Being me, I learned all about him: he has cancer on his spine and has periodic radiation, he's married with a teenage daughter, four cats and many other animals, he lives in the country, and he gushed over my house which he found "beautiful and so neat." (his standards are low) Something horrible that I hadn't realized is that for THREE days this week I won't have access to my master bathroom or closet where all my toiletries, hair products and clothing are located. Of course I won't be able to walk on the new tile, duh! It's a guarantee that I'll forgot to move something over into the other bathroom or neglect an important article of clothing. Even as I type this, I'm thinking of a few items that I should transfer immediately before I forget...

Tomorrow I won't be able to relax in the recliner with Mari; I'll be up at 6:30 to take my shower, have my coffee and get ready for the 7:30 arrival of the work crew. I'm telling myself that everything will be fine or at least OK. The repairs will get done and my house will look normal again. No more open beam ceiling in the kitchen or bare wood floor in the bathroom. In order to make an omelet, you have to break some eggs, right?

Since the day was now open unlike the rest of the week, I quickly called my hairdresser and voilà! Eventually, I'll go for the inverted bob that I'm interested in but a little scared of. Can I trust my judgement after the time I got an ill-advised perm and looked like a poodle?

While Older Daughter was freezing in New York in 20 degrees with no power and John was sweltering in 92 degrees in Big Bend National Park with no A/C, I was enjoying a 60-degree day. :)

It was perfect weather for a walk! In another "no," the NY kids lost out on the lovely blue house, coming in a strong second. The other buyers waived an inspection in spite of the age of the house and its knob and tube wiring. Although there were many positives to this place, the kids weren't willing to forgo an inspection of its wiring. So... the hunt continues. 

 

 

Reflections

When people either suddenly (or predictably) lose their spouses, my thoughts go back to the days when I was in the ugly stages of grief. It reminds me of trying to stay busy, of accepting people's help as their gift to me, and of forcing myself to see and engage with the world. All I wanted to do sometimes was withdraw. Another effect of the "Harlem Shuffle" book reference from the last post was that I hunted down photos from 2009 when my late husband and I were moving Older Daughter into 45 Tiemann Place in the Upper West Side of NYC. It was an exciting but extremely stressful experience. (understatement) The IKEA trip to Brooklyn stands out in my memory like scenes from a Horror Film. I've never been near an IKEA since. 

Believe it or not, I was wearing this same jacket today. I didn't realize how old it was. :)

My husband liked to hide from pictures if possible. When he got cancer though (which was only a few months after this), his attitude changed. He knew we would want images of him...later on.

Being NYC newbies, we'd never seen windows with grates over them. We weren't familiar with cockroaches either. The encounters didn't go well.

We called this "The Closet Kitchen" because that's exactly what it was. The building was a former hotel made into apartments, so this was the best they could do. Older Daughter eventually bought a multi-level rack that she used for storage and counter space. 

I had never seen such a narrow refrigerator crammed into such a tiny space. If you were getting something out of there and another person opened the front door (to the left), you could get crushed. 

I still have nightmares about the 1,000 parts to each piece of IKEA furniture, as well as the crazy little tools. These two made a great team though and made fairly short work of the puzzles furniture. And me? I used my own expertise to break down boxes, take them to the dumpster, make the bed and organize what I could.

With the past weighing on me a bit, it was both comforting and distracting to visit this bakery with Younger Daughter. She took the time to photograph her vegan pot pie and cupcake whereas I gobbled up my vegetable frittata and Tiramisu cake pop in no time. I still have an unfortunate fast eating habit from teaching. We only had about 15 minutes for lunch if you counted walking to the lunch room, heating up your meal and having bathroom time before the return to class. 37 years of that routine obviously had an effect--not a good one.

After our brunch, YD and I drove 10 minutes away to scout out a house that the New Yorkers are interested in. Nice neighborhood, many walkers and children, a busy street across from an elementary school, a color scheme just like mine and an outrageous price. Sigh. 

Younger Daughter's job was to hunt down any "sketchiness" in the area; as a former Tacoma resident (although in a much different part), she has become quite the expert. She seems much happier in her new place in P-town, so that's a plus. May it lead to good things or at least better ones. 

Post Venting Post

Don't worry--I've finished ranting about relationships and my injured feelings. Unfortunately, I'd forgotten that although the people in question don't read this blog, Older Daughter does. And of course, she wanted to know what had gone on and with whom. At that point I could have lied because one of them is also close to OD and has pulled some of the same crap with her. Being an honest type, I chose to 'fess up. The other person had made a probably innocent but not very flattering remark about Older Daughter's husband. Feeling a little cornered I decided to tell her what had been said... to which she replied, "Well, Mom, that's sort of true." WAIT, don't I have the right to my outrage? :)

Today has been a better day; my boots are fixed, I got a hopefully sincere apology, and the weather is better than expected. Spring is everywhere! (just don't look at my weedy flowerbeds)

It almost looks like fall although these are red buds instead of leaves. I love the burst of color! I've also downloaded the latest Book Club book from my library (Colson Whitehead's "Harlem Shuffle) and am enjoying the glimpses of New York City. Older Daughter lived right next to Harlem while earning her M.A. at Columbia. In fact, her subway stop was 125th and Broadway, and when the main character strolls through Tiemann Place from Harlem(125th), I realized that her apartment was on that street! It's wonderful when you can exactly picture the scenes in a book, isn't it?

This bunch of tulips is looking promising. In other promising news, I'm supposed to have a coffee/pastry date at this place with Younger Daughter tomorrow unless it falls through. Fingers crossed for a positive outcome and outing!   
 

Space

Without naming any names, several people have hurt my feelings and my heart lately. My first reaction toward their texts, the words (or the lack of them) has been anger mixed with frustration. But I do need to do a better job of letting go and giving space, both to them and to myself. Just the other day I was writing about being lonely and wanting more outings whereas now I'm sick of people and their crap. I'm tired of reaching out and being slapped away. I'm peeved at others criticizing my life and my choices when I've been so tactful and careful NOT to do so with them. EVEN THOUGH I EASILY COULD. As my late blogger buddy Hoss used to say, "So it goes." Relationships can certainly go sideways. Friendships fracture. Communication withers. My late husband would get (rightly) extremely nervous when I went quiet. He knew that was a danger sign. I'm not there yet...but I'm close. 

At least I finished mowing both lawns although I smell like cut grass. :) Making lines out of a shaggy mess has always been therapeutic for me.

And it's looking like I will get a few Rembrandt tulips! 

My most unpleasant task of the day was taking these brown boots (my favorite, so comfortable) to the shoemaker. They are fairly old but still in great shape except that one of the heels is coming apart. At his little shop I was treated to the Lunatic Fringe. He only takes cash or checks; I made an innocent comment that I understood because merchants have to pay a fee. But NO, it wasn't that; he doesn't believe in plastic at all. It's an Evil Conspiracy to control us and our funds. His bearded friend chimed in with, "Yes, those Canadian truckers had their bank accounts frozen! Because of plastic!!" I wanted to ask, "Where does the cash come from?" "What do checks draw on if not a bank account?" However, I figured that I would be wasting my breath. Hoo-ee, there are some CRAZIES out there. Another reason not to "people."

My sweet kitty enjoys sunning herself; she is neither as complicated nor as exhausting as human beings. That's certainly part of her charm these days. 

Daily Doings

Mari and I are re-adjusting to our solitary existence; she's loving having me and the recliner to herself whereas I'm floundering a bit. It helped to meet up with my eight Book Club friends yesterday; one of them (a former student now close friend and former colleague) took this photo of our well-written and much loved read next to the Ukrainian Honey Babka. Whether married, alone or dating. Book Club has been a constant in my life and these ladies have served as a marvelous support group. Plus, I adore discussing books!

I think this will be my first tulip! Since I planted them nearly 10 years ago, I've lost a number of them: all the parrot ones and many of the Rembrandts. The ordinary tulips that I'm not as fond of have thrived. Is that a message to me? Keep it simple, stupid? Today I saw "Cyrano" at the Grand Cinema with a friend; it was 100 times better than the horrible "Licorice Pizza." Sadly, I'm not a fan of musicals, and although Peter Dinklage was excellent as Cyrano, I often showed the French version in class and was attached to it. In my opinion Cyrano is perfectly played by the homely/dissipated/big-nosed/poetry-quoting roué, Gérard Depardieu, (great actor, terrible person) 

Also, in spite of his short stature, Peter is way too good-looking to play Cyrano. After the film, my friend and I discovered that the coffee shop next to the theater had just closed (at 4!), thus we didn't get to indulge in the treat that we were so looking forward to. Such a disappointment, especially since we had to pass by the cases full of delicious looking pastries. :( I did enjoy the treat of spectacular views of Mt. Rainier on my way home though. In news from John, he'll be staying in Texas for a week longer which is logical since he drove so far to get there. I hear from him occasionally, but he feels very distant right now. I don't handle long-distance relationships well, becoming somewhat neurotic and detached. April 8th is his late wife's birthday; he may be en route home on that date. That will give him time alone, which he likes, being more of a loner than I obviously am. However, I shouldn't whine because I've actually had a couple of very nice days. *looking over my shoulder superstitiously as I write that*

 

Colors

I looked all over for this photo yesterday but couldn't find it anywhere. Then it showed up today in my Facebook memories. It reminds me that I do look quite awful in powder blue. I still resent that the guys in my high school class got to wear navy which is a much more flattering color for me. 

48 years later I am not as young and fresh; I'm exhausted after doing a massive cleaning of my house. Younger Daughter moved into her new apartment yesterday (still transferring things from her old apartment and from here) so I did a much-needed vacuuming, sheet washing, bathroom cleaning, hardwood polishing extravaganza. I miss YD and worry about her and how she'll manage by herself. It's tempting to text her every hour, "Are you doing OK? How is it going? Do you need anything?" She's 32, but still my baby. Frankly, her situation is touch and go. As much as I care and would like to control her, she needs to figure this out on her own, even if she falls on her face. :(

The colors of spring are uplifting. These trees along my walking route are blossoming.

I like this color combination! 

Thankfully, I have no allergies; my mom is pretty miserable right now. She dreads the blooming of all the trees and plants whereas I can simply admire their beauty.

Mom's azalea is now fully open and it's such a pretty color. Since it was a gift in memory of Dad, it's very appropriate that it's flowering now. 

Before she left, Younger Daughter and I made Nanaimo bars. They're very difficult to ruin although I tried to do so. I told her to mix all the cookie ingredients together when they should have been done separately. Then I accidentally put 1/2 cup of butter in the frosting instead of 1/4 cup, so we had to double the recipe. I'm happy that they're still delicious! 

Mari is certainly delighted that Carol is gone, giving her the house all to herself. It was tedious to have to switch the cats out every couple hours and they both did damage to the carpet at the thresholds of their respective doors. (a repair project I'm putting off) In positive news, Book Club was excellent today; we all adored "The Lincoln Highway!" Our discussion was interesting and our host had prepared a Ukrainian dessert for us. Sadly though, my pleasure reading isn't giving me much pleasure at the moment. I usually like C.J. Box and Elizabeth George but their latest books are convoluted, with too many characters and too much of a focus on politics. I read to escape that! Speaking of escape, I have two social events on my calendar currently: "Cyrano" at the Grand Cinema tomorrow and a Happy Hour next Friday. Especially with John away for several more weeks, it's wonderful to be invited out. I'm remembering now how hard it is to be alone; you can color me a bit blue.  

 

 

Immortality

A year ago today was one of the worst days of my life so far. I lost my dad who, at 92, had enjoyed a contented and mostly healthy life. Although we (including him) were extremely grateful for that, there can never be enough time with those we love. Never. Dad was expected to die, so it wasn't a shock-- yet I find myself still bereft at his absence. I've thought of him and missed him every day. I will always treasure his kindness, his humor, his intelligence, and his wisdom. His sweet tooth, his booming laugh, and his love of reading were legendary. In spite of the sadness, the memories of him are unfailingly sweet and positive. 

I see him every time we have a family celebration and remember his hugs and smiles.

I recognize him in the face of my younger brother, as well as one of my late brothers. 

I

I think of him whenever I look at my daughters, my niece and nephew (pictured here) and my grandson whom he doted on. Can you tell that my parents had never done FaceTime? I love the joy on their faces. :)

The many book chats, cups of coffee and amber ales we shared will always be precious. 

Every time I wear his very bright yellow rain jacket I'll thank him for my high vis! As a genealogy lover, I believe that family lines are never truly lost. My dad's dark brown eyes are reflected in his great-grandson. His sarcastic sense of humor often comes out in me. My surviving brother is thoughtful, kind and affectionate like Dad always was. Students he taught, as well as friends and family, carry his impact forward. 

In his memory, I ate a couple of his favorite Girl Scout cookies, Samoas. Breakfast of champions! 

I can hear dad saying, "Today is just another day. Don't waste a moment of it in tears."

"I carry you with me into the world,
into the smell of rain
and the words that dance between people
and for me, it will always be this way,
walking in the light,
remembering being alive together”

― Brian Andreas, Living Memory