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July 26, 2022

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Mary

I think it's the engineer personality. My husband is also kind, and would do anything for anyone, but emotionally he's not all there. I got news tonight that my beloved aunt has decided to stop trying to prolong her life. She's 92 and has had a great life, and is very much at peace with her decision, but I'm a little teary tonight, and Joe has gone off to Home Depot. Sigh. At least my kids are good at hugs when needed!

DrumMajor Linda in Kansas

Take a day for yourself to do as you like! Glad John let you escort him to the colonoscopy. At least he got a short nap! Find your favorite condiment and spread it on your sandwich. Hang in there! You got a kiss from the cat today. Maybe she was looking for something from your meal with John. Come visit KC. We've had 76 or so the last 2 days with some sprinkles of rain. It'll change back to scorching soon. Linda in Kansas

Pixie

My parents died awhile ago, dad 22 years ago and mum 13 years ago. I'm turning sixty this year but when they were sick, Katie was little and it was hard trying to help them and take care of Katie.

We can't just pick up and leave either, between Jack and Miss Katie, but to be honest there's not much that I would want to do, except taking more photos. I would like that but I know I'll have time eventually. It's hard being stuck in the middle.

AC

I have never been sandwiched. My parents died while my daughter was here and I was there. It wasn’t until after we moved here that the grands came along.

Ed

I've gone in the opposite direction as you. I have lived close to my parents for 20 years. My brother has always lived away but came back semi regularly so we could spend time together. But in the last three and a half years, my mom passed away and my dad moved away and so it is just us now and our holidays are usually spent inviting other stray loners to join us if they desire.

Arkansas Patti

Men are the providers and protectors while we are the caregivers and comforters. Pretty fair balance for which we are both suited. I'd much rather make soup and bring a smile than do the heavy lifting.

PipeTobacco

Starting with a big, furry-faced grin:

1. This has to be one of the most gentle, calm, and kind VENTING POSTS I have ever seen! :{)> I am impressed with your ability to be such in the middle of venting. It is seemingly beyond my capabilities.

Now onto other items:

2. I can sympathize with you about being in the "sandwich". For the last eight years of my Mom's life (following a blood clot induced heart attack, where the blood clot was formed by a stent surgically implanted the day before) she lived with me and my wife and I was her primary caregiver because she no longer felt safe driving, etc. Being in the "sandwich" is a tremendous amount of pressure. I heard an adage once that I probably cannot tell with enough finesse to make it meaningful but:

Diamonds are made from carbon experiencing extreme pressure, perhaps we should think of the "sandwich" experience as being akin to being squashed into a diamond by the time we are done?

3. You know I can understand and sympathize with children challenges. Again, another difficult part of the "sandwich" especially when children may not recognize (or may CHOSE to not recognize) the effort, time, etc that we put in to try to be helpful.

* * * * *

In one of the comments above, the commenter discussed how the engineer personality seems to be less emotional, less focused on the hurts, etc. Well, with that idea seemingly a potential truism.... I can now better understand how I never went into engineering. I am the polar opposite. I am g*d-awful emotional about damn near everything. That said, I DO try (to the best of my ability) to keep my emotions under wraps. But it is damn hard and tiring to do. I am "emotional" about everything.... good or bad.

I wonder if this idea of emotionality somehow relates in some fashion to Meyer's Briggs identifiers? I have typically fallen into the INFJ group most frequently.

PipeTobacco

Catalyst

I don't think John is the proverbial nice guy finishing last. After all, he has you! (And beautiful Mari.)

Joanne Noragon

If the person making unreasonable demands on your time were one of your daughters, you have every right to be unhappy, peeved, angry. But an acquaintance? At this age? Don't bother yourself.

Maureen

I've been the middle of the sandwich for so long, I don't even think about it. My friends do get put off quite often, but I just tell them I can't commit to that (whatever carefree scheme they propose) right now. Don't fret over living up to someone else's expectations. We haven't retired and built this life to do anything but what WE want to do.
Even though I've tested negative, this covid continues to dominate me. My energy level is shot by late afternoon, and I sound as hoarse as can be - one friend says its a sexy rasp, but I'm just tired of not being my usual energetic self. I've had to cancel a bike ride and a hike this week. I have hope that I'll be back to normal next week.

Anne@HeadFullofBooks

I agree with you about Birch Bay. Boring. When we went there we couldn't find enough to do so kept driving to other towns to find entertainment. Just say no, thank you. An explanation about your mother should be enough, but grandson babysitting can be played up, too. Glad that I got to see you today. What a weird book. We really had a rather terrible disucssion, if you ask me. No one could remember anything. Ha!

Susan

As women, we are always drawn in to multiple directions simultaneously and this can be hard. I tend to push off what I can and do things in order of priority as I see it. Everything generally gets done on my timetable. Given my timetable, some things just disappear entirely which is good because this tells me they were not that important in the first place. Mari looks very happy and she certainly loves all your care and attention. Sweet Mari kisses! My experience is: Many men don't like conflict and prefer going with the flow (sometimes at all costs) and remaining somewhat detached as compared to we, as women, can be the opposite. I like working toward balance. Perfection? It'll never happen!

Steve

This is "venting"? LOL! You're the most polite venter I've ever come across. It's often hard for others to understand our own individual pressures and obligations.

Jenni Elyse

I'm sorry your friends and even John aren't understanding of your situation. Unless people deal with it themselves, they're often oblivious to things. I deal with that a lot with my BFF. Sometimes, I wonder if she's truly my BFF because of the aloofness. Anyway, I hope you get things figured out with your friend and that John's more understanding in the future.

Matt

It is a bummer that your friends don't understand or respect your expectations especially now that you are needed more than ever since the grandson is in town.
I hope you are able to find a happy medium.
Love the picture of you and Mari.
The first dog Mrs. Shife and I had when we started living together had the worst breath as well but I didn't care. We just love our animals no matter what.
We are supposed to hit 107 this weekend. Yikes.
Stay cool and take care.

Zazzy

Frustrating for sure, no one wants to be a sandwich. But I'm sure most of your good friends will understand when you thank them for thinking of you, perhaps reminisce over previous trips you enjoyed together, and explain how you need to be there for your mother and grandson right now. They may not realize the pressure they're putting on you and only you can tell them. Hugs!

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